‘Fore Your Eyes, What A Curious Sight: As Above, So Below Review, Part Two

23 Dec

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Strangemas, because we’re looking at As Above, So Below! Or, as I like to call it, The Da Vinci Code, Alchemy Edition!

Well… the poster is really red? That’s, like, half of Christmas, right there!

Previously, on As Above, So Below: Scarlet, Benji, and George are on a quest for the Philosopher’s Stone, because this movie is trying to be even less respectable than most found footage movies, and have decided that it must be buried beneath France! In the creepy-as-balls Catacombs, to be precise! Well, I see nothing going wrong with this plan whatsoever!

Ahem!

The trio whip out their maps and start trying to figure out where the Stone could have ended up over the years, given all of the cave-ins and city sinking into the ground like a righteous deity on a pogo stick, and they eventually have a location in mind. And while George decides to take a raincheck on the whole “going into a mass grave to find buried treasure” plan, Benji and Scarlet take a public tour to get a lay of the land.

… A public tour where the walls are made out of the skulls of six million dead men, women, and children.

… Or, as it’s otherwise known, a public tour that KICKS ASS!

Benji freaks out, as most sane people would, while Scarlet skips through the mass cemetery giggling the whole time, like I would! Ah, it’s always nice to meet a fellow nightmare fetishist. The problem is, according to their calculations, the only way to the Stone would be a several mile hike… through solid bone. Yeah, unless you’re Kitty Pryde, that ain’t happenin’.

While Scarlet wonders aloud about how they could find a way into the off-limits section of the Catacombs, a helpful goth kid writing in his journal among the bones tells them to go ask for Papillon, as he’ll help them get in. All while the kid… has what looks like an Operator symbol drawn on the wall behind him?

… THAT IS VERY RARELY A GOOD SIGN.

The kid vanishes when they turn away, which is either scary, or your average goth kid’s reaction to attention. Anyway, they head to a goth club to find Papillon, who is naturally incredulous to the whole “hunt for buried treasure” thing, but decides to take them down their anyway, because fuck it! TREASURE! Ah, greed makes the plot unnaturally go round.

The next day, Papillon assembles his team of red-shirts! We have Zed, and Souxie! Who proceed to… beatbox. Eh, at least they’re cute. The crew, which now includes George because he was the man born without a backbone and just ended up dragged along, try to head down a crack in a train tunnel- until the cops come and fucking body slam Papillon. Well, I’m certainly a fan of slapstick, go ahead, movie!

Now with the cops here, Papillon tosses him off and everybody goes running down the crack, including George, much to his chagrin. As Scarlet explains, his little brother died in a cave once, so now he has a phobia. So, Scarlet decides this is the perfect time to… discuss their relationship issues! Because they used to date, I guess! You know, I really am a fan of assholes in movies, so it’s really no surprise that I find her fucking hilarious.

And cue the hike! They all go trudging through the flooded hallways of the tunnels, filled with water and presumably the splooge of anyone who thought it would be a romantic place to fuck, and they pass- a Satanic cult singing opera?

… Second weirdest thing to find in a subway tunnel.

Finally, they reach the point into the Catacombs themselves: A foot wide crawl through miles of bones. Understandably, Benji is less than enthused with the idea, but Scarlet has an alternate path. It’s faster, easier, and less dangerous, but the problem is, it’s sorta… evil. See, Papillon used to have a friend named La Taupe, who lived down in the Catacombs for years, and knew the entire system like the back of his hand. Except for that one tunnel, and the one time he tried it? He kinda sorta… vanished years ago, and nobody’s seen him since.

(The CHUDs are currently wanted for questioning.)

The crawl through the bones starts out okay, until Benji starts having a panic attack, and Scarlet has to talk him through it. Which works! Until the cave-in happens- or, it sounds like it, at least. And when they Benji finally makes it out, they look around and notice that the tunnel they’re in is the exact inversion of where they just came from. Which is not what’s supposed to be here, and for the double whammy, the only way out is the aforementioned cursed tunnel. And to make it worse, they’re all only way day left ’til retirement!

And what kind of cursed artifacts do they fiiiiiiind?! Um. Graffiti that only Papillon makes, but he swears it wasn’t him.

… Spooooky? Oh, and then a phone starts ringing. Great, Bill and Ted must be popping in. They find a sign on the wall, stating that this is one of the areas that accidentally sank into the ground years ago, killing fifty people. And anyone they sent in to fix the matter, to boot. You know, guys, this place already has over six million casualties, you don’t need to through a few more on to the pile.

Next on the list of weird is a big piano, just sitting in the corner. George mentions how it looks exactly like the old piano he and his brother used to play on, back in the day. But of course, one of the keys used to be fucked up! Which is, of course, the one that doesn’t work here. GOSH THAT WOULD BE SO SHOCKING IF IT WASN’T IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE FUCKING TRAILERS.

IT’S A RECURRING MOTIF, IS MY POINT.

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3 Responses to “‘Fore Your Eyes, What A Curious Sight: As Above, So Below Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What A Shame, I’ve Forgotten My Name: As Above, So Below Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 26, 2014

    […] on As Above, So Below: A team of adventurers head into the Catacombs beneath France to find the Philosopher’s […]

  2. Bells Are Now Tolling, Soon Heads Will Be Rolling: As Above, So Below Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 27, 2014

    […] on As Above, So Below: Our team of adventurers have decided the best way to escape the French Catacombs is […]

  3. Wipe That Damn Smile Off Your Face: As Above, So Below Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 28, 2014

    […] on As Above, So Below: A team of adventurers have dug their way into Hell. Which, […]

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