Bells Are Now Tolling, Soon Heads Will Be Rolling: As Above, So Below Review, Part Four

27 Dec

Wait, crap, I haven’t been making enough French references in this thing! Um, um, baguette, cheeses, Les Miserables is a terrible movie, nuns, funny hats, Jerry Lewis. There we go, all good.

I AM RUNNING OUT OF WITTY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS POSTER, OKAY.

Previously, on As Above, So Below: Our team of adventurers have decided the best way to escape the French Catacombs is to… head even deeper inside, so they can find the secret for eternal life! Because becoming immortal with six million corpses about to fall on your head sounds so fucking pleasant, I’m a motherfucking rainbow.

Ahem!

So, of course they manage to figure out the correct rock to undo the ancient French puzzle lock, and get the door open without killing anyone. Which yes, means we’re over halfway through this horror movie, and nobody has died yet. Fuck me, My Little Pony has a higher body count.

[Editor’s Note: Does that mean you’re going to review MLP again?]

YOU GO SIT IN THE CORNER.

The group crawl through the door, and find a tomb on the other side, complete with a 700 year old dead man, who is completely preserved! And so, they naturally… continue searching for the next secret passage? Um, ambassador motherfucker, are you high?! You just found an unrotting 700 year old, undiscovered corpse! THIS IS THE FIND OF THE CENTURY!

The secret passage they find goes underwater, and the group heads through to find a hidden treasure chamber, complete with still burning torches. So, which is the least likely part here? The fact that the torches are still burning after seven hundred years, or the fact that we just proved they would have had to go underwater before getting here, and therefore would have been soaking fucking wet?

Scarlet manages to nab the Philosopher’s Stone, but the rest of the team accidentally set off the resident booby trap, and the ceiling starts caving in. Well, you guys just… suck at your jobs. And somehow, everybody manages to survive! Well, La Taupe disappears, but there’s no reason he should have survived this long in the first fucking place, so we’ll just say reality was ctrl-zing him out of life.

I just assume that’s how most major deities work.

Souxie took a nasty scratch in the cave-in, but thankfully, proximity to the Philosopher’s Stone manages to heal her. So- wait, this thing actually works?! Damn! That would explain why nobody in France ever, ever dies or gets hurt! I mean, they’re literally living on a big ball that irradiates increased cellular activity, so naturally, everybody is a rainbow forever!

… Wait, what?

They start searching for a way out, and find a big sign that basically translates to “As Above, So Below”. Which is apparently a basis for all magic philosophy, but for more importantly, it’s a title drop! Oh, and it also translates to “smash a great big honking whole in the floor if you want to get out”.

So, they do, despite the fact that they were already at the bottom of the Catacombs, and rappel into the depths below. And for once, God doesn’t take the opportunity to smite Benji! And what do they find down there? A big inscription reading “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”, which is supposed to be the inscription over the gates of Hell, and originated from Dante’s Inferno. Although Dante did exist before Nicolas Flamel, so it’s not entirely out of the question that Flamel would have heard the quote, I very much fucking doubt that he would have written it in some weird Druidic runes instead of Italian, or, fuck, what about French?! Plus, I’m betting the ancient alchemist would have cared enough to write the entire damn quote!

The group crawls through the gates of Hell, and find the room identical as the one they found the treasure in, only with left and right inverted. Oh, and the “As Above, So Below” sign is upside down now. And with the tunnel closing up behind them, they very naturally assume that they’re dead now! But fuck it, why should that mean we stop trying to escape? To be fair, once you’ve found the secret to eternal life, it’s very hard to see anything as a legitimate threat.

… Is it wrong if that looks surprisingly yummy?

They swim back to the dead dude room, and find La Taupe, who is completely fucking insane, which makes him only a slight exaggeration from what he was like before. Well, at least until he goes all Looney-Tunes, gibbering like an idiot and bashes Souxie’s brain in.

“Bring her back with the stone!”

“I can’t! It doesn’t bring back the dead!”

Yoooooou do realize that it takes some time before injury to eventually die, right? You could have probably saved her in the time it took to say that stupid sentence! And how the fuck do you KNOW it doesn’t bring back the dead?! That would be, quite possibly, the LEAST crazy thing to happen today!

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One Response to “Bells Are Now Tolling, Soon Heads Will Be Rolling: As Above, So Below Review, Part Four”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Wipe That Damn Smile Off Your Face: As Above, So Below Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - December 28, 2014

    […] on As Above, So Below: A team of adventurers have dug their way into Hell. Which, wow, why isn’t that […]

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