Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part One

1 Jan

Wait, wait, wait, there’s a NSFW section of Creepypasta?! And I haven’t been reading them the entire time?! Fucking witchcraft, Horatio!

[Editor’s Note: … Who’s Horatio?]

Don’t vex me, Frank.

internet_campfire_tales

And bless my lucky freaking stars, because it’s Cupcakes! A fanfic that is supposedly one of the dark and grittiest ones out there, and has picked up quite a bit of buzz for all the general fucked-upedness, and ball-throbbing terror. And according to the foreword, this is the original version! And it’s uploaded on Creepypasta, so it counts even though it’s a fan fiction hah hah hah eat my ass pedants.

Ahem!

“The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day.”

Oh, right, I forgot to mention what this was a fan fiction of.

You get three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

“The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be.”

Pony peasants were crushed underfoot, by the heel of a tyrannical queen!

“All, except Rainbow Dash. Her place was in the sky. She freely tore through the air, speeding one way and the next. She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind.”

The wind is picking up speed! It’s going to be a close finish- oh, oh god! The wind broke 200 kilometers per hour! A tornado has broken out in town square! Oh god, the loss of life is tremendous!

“The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children. Climbing several hundred feet, she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.”

As opposed to “emotionally dead inside”, like everybody else in Ponyville.

“Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. She’d gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.”

Oh, don’t worry, I’d find an excuse to stay away from the Pink Abomination too, even if it involved my own leg and a hack saw.

“Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. She didn’t say why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.”

It could be anything, but it’s definitely going to stick with “fucking annoying”.

And yes, I will STILL force you look at pony porn! Choke on it! CHOKE ON IT YOU BASTARDS!

And yes, I will STILL force you look at pony porn! Choke on it! CHOKE ON IT YOU BASTARDS!

“She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying. But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them.”

Please be a suicide pact, please be a suicide pact, please be a suicide pact…

“She considered it and thought “why not.” What did she have to lose? Heck, it might be more pranking. Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks. They’d so much fun the last time. Dash kicked it into overdrive, mostly to make for lost time, and sped to her appointment.”

She broke the speed limit, and was arrested after racial slurs against the giraffe police officer.

“When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here, you’re here. I’ve been waiting allll day.” Said the jumping pony.”

‘You can tell how excited I am by my complete refusal to use exclamation points. Yay. Woot. Huzzah.’

““Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time.” Dash apologized.”

Well, either that, or Rainbow Goth hit 88 miles per hour and traveled back to the future.

“Pinkie giggled and responded, her tone gleefully reassuring, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes. I’ve been sooooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breath I’ve been so happy.””

Seriously, did an exclamation point kill your puppy? Refuse to use a coaster? Made a shockingly slip-shoddy sequel to a movie that wasn’t that memorable to begin with?

Oh, that reminds me, I need to go see Woman In Black 2 tomorrow.

“Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She always appreciated Pinkie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but her overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. Dash was polite, however. If Pinkie was got this worked up, then it must good; whatever it was.”

Hmm. Five bucks says she’s crossing over with the weirdest fictional choices at possible, like, oh fuck it, I dunno. 2001: A Pony Odyssey? Aliens Versus Ponyator? Oh god, I know, I totally fucking know, Portal!

That’s not a real thing, right?

Right?

What’s with the weird silence-

OH YOU SONS OF BITCHES-

““So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything all ready.” The pink one said.”

See, I’m not the only one who refuses to use the Pink Abomination’s name!

“Dash psyched herself up. “ You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…””

It’s been so long since I reviewed Equestria Girls, I just assume Rainbow Goth talks in a perfect Gene Wilder impression.

““MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.”

Roll credits.

““Baking”? Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good baking. Remember the last time?””

‘We’re still cleaning up the blood, and hell, I’m not sure where we even got a gazelle.’

““Oh that’s not a problem at all. I only need your help making them. I’ll be doing most of the work.” Pinkie explained. Dash thought for about it for a second and replied, “Well, alright, I guess that’s ok. What exactly do need me to do”?”

‘Drum up view counts, mostly, ponies tend to send it through the roof.’

““That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake. Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.” “You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.””

‘Yes, I made a single cupcake. That’s how recipes work, right? GODDAMMIT DON’T QUESTION ME! EQUESTRIA, MOTHERFUCKERS!’

““So, is this like taste testing or something?” “Sorta” Pinkie said. Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.”

‘… Wait, how the fuck did you manage to bake without hands-‘

EQUESTRIA, MOTHERFUCKERS!’

““Ok, now what?” Dash asked. “Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.” Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded. Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor.”

LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR-

“When Dash regained conciseness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks.”

Man, if had a dollar every time I woke up in bondage!

[Editor’s Note: … D- do I want to know?]

I am allowed to have layers, you know.

“Her legs were spread wide apart. The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.”

Imagine you were dying. Imagine you were afraid and a long way from home in terrible pain. Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, you looked up and saw the face of the Devil himself. Hello, Pink Abomination.

““Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started.” She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth.”

Ponies don’t have hands, guys. I know I’m breaking new ground in comedy and scientific observation, but it’s true.

““Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said in a worry. “Well, duh, you’re tied down.” Pinkie chided “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you needed to told that.””

Ask a stupid question, get tied in leather bondage to a stupid answer.

Wait, how the fuck does leather exist in a world of sentient ponies?!

““But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.” “You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.” “Special ingredient”? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient”?”

SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF POOOOONIES!

“Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly.””

Yeah, sorry, but meat does not belong in cupcakes. I’M CALLING FOUL ON YOU, FAN FICTION ABOUT MAGICAL PONIES.

“Dash’s eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh ”Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made to a cupcake. I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.“”

Annnnnd you win, a new car!

“Pinkie giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise.” Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.””

I dunno, it kinda is.

““Then why were you laughing”? Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready. There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them.”

HOW COULD A PONY POSSIBLY USE MEDICAL INSTRUMENTS WITH NO HANDS.

I MEAN, HONESTLY.

SCIENCE, PEOPLE.

AND HOW COULD THEY GROPE WITH NO HANDS.

AND HOW COULD THEY GROPE WITH NO HANDS.

“Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing and she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!””

Um. Wait, can’t Rainbow Goth fly? I know she’s strapped down and everything, but it seems something that has absolutely no baring on reality anyway would have pretty interesting results when you added it to leather straps!

““I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy it’s that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.” She was skipping again.”

This is all canon, right?

““But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.” Dash was desperate.”

… Wait, what?!

““Oh, Dash” Pinkie said “don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?” And with that the lights suddenly came to life and showcased the rest the room.”

‘Showcased’? Cool, so Vanna White was showing off the horrors while Chuck Woolery voices the Pink Abomination?

““Oh god, no” Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her.”

Reeling is surprisingly difficult while you’re in leather bondage!

[Editor’s Note: Seriously, are you ever going to explain that?]

Not until I can get the ball gag out.

“The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs.”

That is… not even close to how organs work. You can’t just fill them with helium and turn them into balloons.

AND WHERE THE HELL DID PONIES GET HELIUM?!

“The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her.”

But only that center piece, everything else in the room was fine.

“The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate. Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled in red.”

If that’s not already a part of a fraternity, I will be shocked.

[Editor’s Note: The motto that life is a party, or the violent and visceral evisceration of screaming innocents?]

Yes.

 

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2 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 6, 2015

    […] Previously, on Cupcakes: We added the icing! […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 10, 2015

    […] Previously, on Cupcakes: Torture torture torture, blah blah blah. […]

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