Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two

4 Jan

Okay, I promise this won’t be a month long ordeal, like the last multi-part Creepypasta review! Which I’m sure is of great dissapointment to BEN.

let's drown ben

He’ll be fine. Anyway, previously on Cupcakes: Rainbow Goth has been drugged and tied down by the Pink Abomination, which is quite possibly the most likely thing to happen in a Creepypasta ever. The only thing out of character is the fact that the Abomination hasn’t yet killed every single pony in town.

Ahem!

“Dash’s attention was brought back by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She gaped at Pinkie Pie, who was standing right in front of her. “

Wait, if she was standing right in front of her, how the balls could Rainbow Goth not notice her?!

“The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from dried skin, emblazoned with cutie marks.”

Five bucks says that’s already on Etsy.

“On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all of different colors. As the earth pony skipped in excitement, her necklace of severed unicorn horns clacked together loudly.”

Okay, so now she’s the Earth Pony? You said she was the Party Pony a minutes ago! I am extremely confused by equine eschatology.

““Like it?” Pinkie asked. “I made it myself.””

‘Well, okay, I got the design off Pinterest first.’

“Desperately, Dash pleaded with the smiling pony before her. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.””

‘Pssh, where’s that “not telling anybody” shit come from? I’m livestreaming this!’

“Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?”

It’s a Creepypasta, it happens. Remind me to tell you that time I had to kill an alien shapeshifter with nothing but kung-fu and a bottle of moonshine.

““Aww, don’t be sad, Dash,” said Pinkie. “Look, this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.””

Dude, I saw Equestria Girls, you don’t want to fuck around with that. Friendship qualifies as a war crime in this universe.

“Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie produced a brightly painted blue and yellow skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.”

Buckbeak, NOOOOOOO!

SOMEBODY GET ME A TIME TURNER, ASAP!

“Dash gaped in shock. “Is… is that… is… that?””

You… didn’t actually say what you think it is? Unless this is just leading up to the wackiest game of Charades in history, of course.

““Hey, Dash, let’s hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs,” Pinkie mimicked. “I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course; I had to wait till after the party to do that.”

‘What’d you play? Scatagory? Tag? Mario Kart?’

‘Goddammit, Rainbow, you are not helping the whole “scary” thing.’

“But boy am I glad I did. It was worth it for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing. I know she didn’t have a number like everyone else in Ponyville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try griffon?”

Well, you could always hit the local KFC, I’m pretty sure we’re only a couple weeks out from getting a Gryphon Double-Down.

“I probably should have asked where she came from so I could have gotten more, but I forgot. I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. She lasted a long time, which was a lot of fun for me.”

Wait, didn’t you leave the party for “only twenty minutes”? How did you manage to catch up to a gryphon, beat it into submission, and hide her somewhere, especially if she was a “fighter” who “lasted a long time”?

“I got the chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It’s too bad she had such a meanie mouth. She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Rainbow Dash.””

Okay, I’m getting lost in the terminology, are you fuckin’ these ponies, or are you just killing them?

[Editor’s Note: Is she boinking them, do you mean?]

Is she knobbing?

[Editor’s Note: Boff-knocking?]

Givin’ them the ol’ salty pillar?

[Editor’s Note: Playing genital pattycakes?]

Slap-jacking?

[Editor’s Note: Clam wrestling?]

Doodle-dancing?

[Editor’s Note: … We’re both making things up now, right?]

God, I hope so.

 

I think the Pink Abomination is the only one I don’t have any porn for, and you know what? I’m perfectly comfortable with that fact.

“Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed in her tight bonds. “Well” said Pinkie with an air of finality, “that’s enough reminiscing. It’s time to begin.””

‘TIME TO BEGIN THE SEINFELD MARATHON TO END ALL SEINFELD MARATHONS! … Why, what did you think we were going to do?’

“Putting down Gilda’s skull, the pink pony gripped a scalpel in the cleft of her hoof and walked over to Dash’s right flank. Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.”

You still haven’t explained what would have happened if Rainbow decided to try and fly, by the way. S- still waiting on that one.

“Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away, but the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed a curved skinning knife from the tray. Screwing up her face in concentration, she worked it under Dash’s skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle.”

I… do not have a freaking clue if it works that way. One second, somebody get me a skinning knife and a horse, let’s find out!

[Editor’s Note: All we have is a potato peeler and a guy in a horse mask.]

Close enough.

“Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched her flesh peel off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and repeated the process on Dash’s left flank. Once she had finished, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms. Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned like nothing she had felt before.”

My god! She has perfectly replicated the sensation of using a Thigh Blaster!

“Placing the ragged patches of skin down, Pinkie selected a large butcher knife and walked behind the blue pegasus. “Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now,” Pinkie laughed.”

My god! She’s going to drink Redbull?!

Oh, right, you mean you’re going to hack her wings off while she screams in futile agony.

Easy mistake.

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2 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 6, 2015

    […] on Cupcakes: We added the […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 10, 2015

    […] on Cupcakes: Torture torture torture, blah blah […]

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