Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three

6 Jan

… I’m suddenly wondering, why is this rated NSFW? Is it because of the gore? Because, dude, most Creepypastas aren’t exactly shy on the tomato sauce, if you get my point. Or is it just because it’s My Little Pony? Because that’s racist!

[Editor’s Note: Wait, are ponies a race?]

Don’t make this weird, dude.

internet_campfire_tales

 

Previously, on CupcakesWe added the icing!

Oh, wait, you mean the Creepypasta?

Ahem!

“She grabbed Dash’s left wing in her mouth and played with it for a few seconds, yanking it back so the sharp pain reignited the fire in Dash’s flanks.”

Oh, now you acknowledge the fact that ponies don’t have hands?! We left that behind when the Pink Abomination was doing her alas poor Yorick routine!

“Then, stretching the wing out, Pinkie brought the blade down hard at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage.”

And instantly, a thousand butchers teleport into the room to decry her lack-luster carving technique.

HOW THE FUCK IS SHE HOLDING A KNIFE?! WE JUST ACKNOWLEDGED THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN’T HAVE HANDS! IS SHE TELEKINETIC? ARE HER HOOVES ARTICULATE? DOES SHE HAVE HOOVES, OR ARE THEY ACTUALLY SOME KIND OF WEIRD-ASS HAND-HOOVES?! I’LL ACCEPT WHATEVER WEIRD EXPLANATION YOU GIVE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY GIVE AN EXPLANATION!

“The movement threw off Pinkie’s aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed, and carved a huge slice into Dash’s back.”

You suck at this, Abomination. And I’m not just saying that because I’m praying for your inevitable death by firey electro-saurs.

[Editor’s Note: Are you just saying that because she’s a serial killer now?]

No, actually, I find her far more likeable in this reality.

… Wait, did she steal my haircut?!

““Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing,” scolded Pinkie as her friend howled.”

Yep. Rainbow Jock turned into a werewolf.

What? That is what you were trying to get across, right?

“Pinkie took another whack and hit her target. She swung again and again. Blood sprayed into the air, but Pinkie realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.”

Which means this monstrous serial killer is less dangerous than your average session of Surgeon Simulator.

““Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else,” stated Pinkie matter-of-factly as she tossed the knife over her shoulder, embedding the blade in the table.”

Wait wait wait, the knife that wasn’t sharp enough to cut through bone was sharp enough to impale a wooden table with an absent minded, accidental toss over her shoulder?! Are Rainbow Jock’s bones coated in fucking adamantium?! 

“Through the haze of pain and tears, Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing. “Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.””

Yes, we did notice that this is pretty much a MLP version of Saw, thanks for rubbing our faces in it.

“Pinkie placed the tool over the mangled flesh of the last attempt. Standing on her hind legs, she worked the saw back and forth with her front hooves.”

Oh, so she does have hooves!

WHAT?!

“It sliced effortlessly through the bone and skin. The feeling of the jagged teeth grinding into her made Dash want to vomit. She watched numbly as her wing flew over her head and landed with a fluff on the table.”

The secret origin of goose down pillows.

“Pinkie moved to the next wing and started sawing. Dash didn’t struggle this time; she’d given up trying to fight and focused on choking back screams of agony. Abruptly, the sawing paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by a sliver. “Hey Dash,” Pinkie piped up. “Think fast!” Suddenly, Pinkie yanked the wing as hard as she could. The bone snapped but the blue pony’s skin held, then tore away. The pull ripped away a long strip of flesh all the way down Dash’s back to her rump.”

Yeeeeah, I’m fairly certain that’s… not how that works. Skin isn’t like some kind of bizarre lovechild between wrapping paper and Laffy Taffy, and even more importantly, I’m fairly certain you have no way to prove that it is how it works! CHECKMATE ATHEISTS!

And even if we assume that the properties of pony skin is different from the skins of anything on earth, then we still have one, serious, important, mind-blowing question… namely, HOW THE NINE HELLS DID THE PINK ABOMINATION MANAGE TO YANK SOMETHING WHEN SHE HAS HOOVES?!

“Her body seized at the unexpected trauma. As her pelvis tensed up, Dash felt a warm release between her legs, and her loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.”

… I’m going to pray that that means she just pissed herself, and it’s very sad that that is the best choice out of all the options.

“Dash awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils. As her vision swam into focus, she saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing a large adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out at her helpless victim.”

This is completely unrelated, but I am so glad that I found the WordPress hotkey to turn underlining on. Seriously. Having a level of emphasis higher than bolding or italics?! FUCKING GENIUS!

One Response to “Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 10, 2015

    […] on Cupcakes: Torture torture torture, blah blah […]

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