Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five

10 Jan

Alright, let’s polish this fucker off! After all, I have some very important work to do!

[Editor’s Note: What, marathoning Teen Titans Go counts as “very important work”?]

… Why are my posts so easy to interrupt? Seriously, you’d think I’d find a way to fix that by now.

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on Cupcakes: Torture torture torture, blah blah blah.

Ahem!

“Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting down the hammer and tongs, she walked back in front of her friend and stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she had a live parasprite stuffed down her throat.”

Oh god, please tell me “parasprite” isn’t some kind of euphemism.

*googlegoogle*

Oh! So you made her eat Navi. Good to know.

“Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next, then had a sudden spark of inspiration. Rotating a wheel on the rack, Pinkie laid Dash on her back, then moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her.”

Wait… “laid Dash on her back”? I thought she was tied to the rack. So, didn’t you just… turn her upside down? With the rack now completely blocking off her back?

“Picking up her tools, Pinkie drove a searing hot spike of metal directly into the bottom of Dash’s hoof. “

Oh, so they do have hooves. So, every single point I made about how fucking stupid it is for them to pick things up is even more valid? Fucking phenomenal.

“As Dash yelled in pain, Pinkie moved around and drove a second nail into the other hoof. Next, Pinkie went back to her cart and located an enormous battery and controller, which she dragged over to where she was working. She tied copper wires between the terminals and the nails driven into Dash’s hooves, then gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch.”

You know, in some places, you’d have to pay extra for service like this.

“Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body. The blue pony reacted immediately; her body seized, and her muscles snapped taut. Dash’s hips thrust skyward, her eyes rolled back, and she let out a deep, throat shredding cry.”

Oooh, nice scream! With pipes like that, you’ll have a solid career in a hair metal band.

“Pinkie giggled and danced in place, then reached down and turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably, and her bladder emptied once more.”

Jesus, again? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in there at this point, she’s just pissing dust.

“After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. Wisps of steam rose from the singed fur around Dash’s hooves, and the area reeked of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. Pinkie rotated Dash upright again and tried snap the drooling, delirious pony back to attention.”

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round, like a record baby…

““Dash? Dash! Rainbow Dash, wake up!” Dash moaned and managed to give a modicum of weak acknowledgment. Pinkie studied her handiwork, then reached into the medicine bag and produced a large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round.””

‘Time for the Lightning Round! Win this, you’ll get double or nothing! And I might even spare a bit of your skin!’

‘You know it’s been a weird day when that’s the nicest thing anybody’s said to me all day.’

“Dash focused blearily on the needle, which Pinkie took as a question as to what it was.”

… Insulin?

““This is a little something to take the pain away,” Pinkie informed Dash as she walked around to her victim’s ruined back. Dash flinched as Pinkie jabbed the needle into the lower part of the blue pony’s spine. Moving in front of her friend again, Pinkie leaned down and elaborated.”

Wait, how the fuck did ponies create needles?! Do ponies even have drugs?! And why would they invent a technology that requires pressing a plunger down WHEN THEY DON’T HAVE FINGERS?!

““In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.””

Pictured: The grittiest Harvest Moon Let’s Play yet.

“Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie?” she choked out.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go home,” Dash sobbed.”

YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME I’M NOT AT MY BEST I’VE BEEN GONE FOR A MONTH I’VE BEEN DRUNK SINCE I LEFT.

… What? Look, there’s very few occasions when I’ll get to quote that song.

““Yeah, I can see wanting to do that,” replied the party pony. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done with this mess’ and go to bed. But you know what? You can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.””

That is… oddly motivational. Seriously, why is the murderous version of the Pink Abomination so much nicer to be around than the normal one? Something seems off here.

“Dash hung her head and cried. Minutes passed as the drug took effect. Eventually, Dash was completely numb from her chest to her flanks. At this point, Pinkie approached with a scalpel. Glancing at Dash and smiling, Pinkie made a long horizontal cut across the pegasus pony’s pelvis, just above her crotch. Moving up Dash’s body, Pinkie made a similar incision under her ribs. Finally, Pinkie made a long vertical cut down Dash’s stomach, connecting the first two.”

Take notes, kids, there’s a quiz later.

““Looks like I got my ‘I’ on you, Dash,” Pinkie giggled.”

YOUR JOKES ARE WORSE THAN MINE.

“With a moist, gooey sound, the flaps of skin opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie carefully sliced open Dash’s abdominal sac and grabbed her large intestines.”

Oh.

Disemboweling.

I suddenly desperately want to study pony anatomy, just to find out all the things that the author got wrong.

[Editor’s Note: Dude, what is your problem?]

I can only get an erection if I’m making somebody, somewhere, cry.

“As she separated the organ from the rest of the digestive tract and pulled it out of the new cavity, Pinkie grew jovial. Laughing as she gutted her friend, Pinkie began to make jokes. Dash, growing weaker from this new source of blood loss, tried desperately to shut out the macabre comedy act.”

Hey look, it’s how people react when try and tell jokes!

““Look at me, I’m Rarity!” Pinkie laughed, slinging the intestinal tube around her neck and spraying blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty?””

This is one weird episode of Say Yes To The Dress.

… Of course I’ve never seen that show, don’t be ridiculous. *cough*

“Reaching back inside, she sliced the smaller intestine off from the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed the slimy organ through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.””

Hah hah, so funny!

Wait, do dentists exist in this world?

“Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Disappointed, Pinkie dived back into the blue pony’s guts, ramping up her routine.”

And this is somehow less painful than her normal comedy, go figure.

““Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” Pinkie started pulling out the rest of Dash’s organs, pausing with each removal. “I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.””

Please, please, please, Refracted Light, die a little faster so we can shut her up.

“Pinkie placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. “Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the end of Dash’s esophagus in her mouth and the stomach in her armpit. She squeezed, and a spurt of acid hit her tongue. “Eww! Oh hey look, there’s your cupcake, Dash!””

Damn, this is shaping up to be one damn fine sequel to The Human Centipede.

“Dash didn’t hear her tormentor. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not yet satisfied, hit Dash with another adrenaline shot. Dash woke up for the last time, her heart pounding. Warm blood flowed out from the wound in her chest in great spurts. It wouldn’t be long now.”

Seriously, how the fuck do they have adrenaline shots in this world. I am asking.

“Pinkie brought Dash around onto her back again and straddled the blue pony’s chest, scalpel at the ready.”

This just got… dangerously erotic.

Wait, no it didn’t.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

NO GODDAMMIT STOP.

““Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault; I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well. It was really was nice knowing you, Dash!””

Ah, I haven’t seen such a tearful goodbye over a disemboweled corpse since Casablanca. 

It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, admittedly.

“The blade sunk into the blue throat and worked its way up to Dash’s chin. Coming back down, Pinkie’s scalpel then circled Dash’s neck. The last thing Rainbow Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, and the metal of the blade scraping her teeth.”

Which just sounds… terribly pleasant. Better than toothpaste and orange juice, though.

“Then she was gone. Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She had done a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, and Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.”

Um. Okay, is the Pasta done? Can we… can we leave now?

“But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. Dash had only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as Pinkie had wanted. She looked back at the cadaver hanging in the center of the room, the last of her friend’s fluids draining into a pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.”

And somewhere, the people who like making “Rainbow Dash Is Gay” jokes for no reason, cry a single tear.

“As she looked, Pinkie cocked her head. She began to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t much damage to the corpse. “In fact,” the pink pony mused, “I think….” An idea exploded in her head.”

Actually, that was the sniper, taking her out from behind.

“She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do was put them back together.”

That is not even close to how taxidermy works.

“Yeah, she just had to get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever.”

No, seriously, you’d need embalming fluid, for one, and- actually, no, let’s stick with that. You need to preserve the materials, or else you’re just going to be left with a slowly rotting teddy bear.

“In fact, thought Pinkie, that’s what she’d do for all her best friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped right over to the body with her skinner to get started. The cupcakes could wait; Pinkie Pie had a friend to make.”

TAXIDERMY! DOESN’T! WORK THAT WA- wait, we’re done? I can leave? Oh, thank god.

So, that was Cupcakes! How was it?

… Seriously, cupcakes should not have meat in them. That’s just wrong.

In all honesty, it was pretty good! Not very scary or creepy, admittedly, but all of the descriptions of the various torments were well handled and delivered, and the Pink Abomination’s cheerful demeanor makes for some great dissonant serenity. But the biggest problem is, torture was all it was, with very little actual meat to the story, which puts it on the same level with August Underground, in my opinion.

Get it? Meat? Cannibalism? God, I’m funny.

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