Shoot Them In The Head, So To Speak: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part One

13 Jan

“Offensive” is such a broad term, it seems impossible to define it. To some, a nun reading porn is wildly offensive, while to others, it’s a perfectly normal way to spend the afternoon. So, we have to wonder, is there such a thing as universally offensive?

As it turns out, yes. Yes, you can. Ladies and gentlemen? Lust Of The Dead!

Oh, not scandalized yet? What if I told you that the original Japanese title was, no joke, Rape Zombies.

Yeeeeah, it’s gonna be one of those reviews.

My god, that poster. It’s like if racism and sexism had a glorious baby.

So, yeah, this is a thing. Rape Zombies: Lust Of The Dead is, I shit you not, a fucking trilogy. Yeah, there are three of these things, and the funny thing is, whenever I find a review for it, they always say that they had to give up 20 minutes in! Pssh, fraggin’ lightweights. That’s not the reviewer way! No, no, the reviewer way is to dive straight in to the movie, dick first, no matter how bad it is! Let’s journey into Japan’s seedy underbelly and find out if the first of this blessed trilogy is truly as bad as people say it is!

(Spoiler alert: It totally is.)

Ahem!

The movie opens with a- a husband beating the shit out of his wife, before pulling her clothes off and raping her, while she screams and begs for mercy.

*rub temples*

You really want me to walk out early on this one, huh. Well, you shrimp-dicked pencil snorter, I sat through Nekromantik and Trash Humpers. My genitals have long since given up the ghost.

While the inhuman pile of scum known as her husband continues doing the kind of thing that would get you kicked out of Caligula, the news channel comes on and fills us in on the zombie hordes gang raping the citizens of the world. Oh, and as if to cap it off, the wife decides to cap her husband off.

She cut his dick off with scissors, is my point. Was that too subtle? I could make it clearer, if you want.

SYMBOLISM!

We get our hard rock credits, while we’re shown shaky cam footage of rape zombies chasing people down the streets with their pants around their ankles. Oh, and then the newscaster gets- you know, it suddenly occurs to me, wasn’t this exactly the same origin of the Reavers over in Firefly? Only… you know, one was well-written, tragic, took itself seriously, and the other is so sleazy, I’m surprised Netflix doesn’t send you your own personal drug overdose when you click on it.

Intercut with all the zombie rape, we get news clips of the Japanese people reacting to the crisis. And, namely, saying that all men are rapists, even without the virus. You know, I really don’t get these movies. They always go out of their way to establish that men are all reprehensible, monstrous rapists… and then proceed to advertise solely to horny men? Um. I’m sorry, am I missing something? Is “contempt of your core customer base” really that essential a note to get down? Or are angry Subway employees who spit in the sandwiches before making sure to pepper them with pure loathing more influential than I thought?

Anyway, exposition time. The rape zombies- god, do I really have to say something like that?! This fucking job. Anyway, all the rape zombies are technically dead, their semen is now a deadly poison, and, oh, the only way to kill them is to shoot them in the balls. Which the movie delivers to us without the shred of irony, and, my god, these people are serious, aren’t they?

Anyway, we cut to two women, wandering through the forest until they reach a temple. And one of them is carrying a katana, because… you know, all Japanese people carry katanas. I think that’s one of the three R’s. Anyway, as they huddle in the temple, one of them is convinced she’s going to dye, because one of them stuck his dick in- DO I REALLY HAVE TO KEEP WRITING THIS?! It’s not as though it’s going to be GOOD!

Okay, no, no, no, deep breath… give every movie a chance, give every movie a chance… remember Le Horde, remember Le Horde…

Katana Girl decides that she must be fine, because the guy never ejaculated- arrrgh– and two women sneak up behind them with machine guns, to check whether or not they’re been raped. And after a quick tussle, Katana convinces them that they’re both safe, and they join sides. Oh, great, it’s like a really rapey RPG. “School Uniform and Bloody Apron have joined the party! LEVEL UP!”

Apron and Uniform trade some guns for some food, which Katana is all too happy about. And even Uniform is pretty happy, if only because that means she gets to grin like a serial killer as she juggles some explosives. Katana breaks out a computer, and dials in to a talk show about whether or not global warming is causing the rape zombies.

… Goddammit, movie, what the hell are you doing? I feel like you’re trying to tell me something, but I have no idea what it is! WHY DID THE MOVIE ABOUT RAPE ZOMBIES ATTACKING ASIAN SCHOOL GIRLS TURN INTO “AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH”?! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

See, this is how you can tell that none of the reviewers before me ever watched the whole movie, because if they did, you’d hear a lot more people sputtering in confusion about the Birdemic cross-over.

Actually, wire hangers probably WOULD do pretty good against rapists.

The… I don’t know, the one who doesn’t have a name yet, flashes back to her time before the rapey apocalypse, as a clumsy office temp. Annnnnd now I get to name her “Temp”! Ah, life is good for people who don’t feel like using their real names. Anyway, the Temp embarrasses herself by spilling coffee and accidentally flashing her panties to the office, so she runs off hiding… to start cutting herself, moaning in pleasure as her blood flows out of her wrist.

Trigger warning, by the way.

One of the other temps finds her, pouring blood all over the office floor, before blood loss makes her faint, and we cut to her waking up in the hospital, with Katana as her nurse, and… sharing her own scars from self harm?! What… what is this movie? A zombie movie? A sex horror film? A cautionary film about global warming? A tragedy about bonding and self harm in the work place? I… I don’t… I am getting emotional whiplash. 

After Katana and Temp bond over their shared scars, emotional and otherwise, we cut to Temp getting chewed out by her boss. But midway through, he gets infected with the rape zombie, and after spurting blood out of his eyes, immediately assaults Temp. Meanwhile, at the hospital, the zombie doctors start raping the patients, a one eyed amputee, and after Katana flashes back to an unfortunate incident involving an entire rugby team, she’s in the game! And the woman in a nurse’s outfit uses Japanese dick-fu to slay the rape zombies!

Sweet buttery fucking jesus, this job. 

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2 Responses to “Shoot Them In The Head, So To Speak: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I Apologize In Advance: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 15, 2015

    […] Previously, on Lust Of The Dead: An infestation of rape zombies has swept across the land, and our team of survivors have decided to… watch movies about global warming. And then flash back to the beginning of the apocalypse, with a PSA about self harm. Yeah, it’s been that kind of movie. […]

  2. Please, Nobody Look Me In The Eyes: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 17, 2015

    […] Previously on fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I’m not summarizing the plot to this shit. We’re just going to get in, get out, and make sure to wash our hands afterwards. With fucking thermite. […]

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