I Apologize In Advance: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part Two

15 Jan

… Does it still count as necrophilia if the corpse is the one doing the screwing?

(This is the kind of hard hitting journalism you come to me for, people.)

I should probably be censoring something here. Like, everything, for instance.

Previously, on Lust Of The Dead: An infestation of rape zombies has swept across the land, and our team of survivors have decided to… watch movies about global warming. And then flash back to the beginning of the apocalypse, with a PSA about self harm. Yeah, it’s been that kind of movie.

Ahem!

After Katana uses her dick-fu to dispatch the zombies, her rape sense starts tingling, and she immediately runs to go rescue the Temp. Oh, and she proceeds to pass other people getting raped and… refuses to do anything about it. Wow. What a bitch.

Anyway, Katana makes it to her in time, and hacks off the head of the rape zombie, but of course, that just makes him rape harder, so she has to hack off his dick too, while it’s still inside her. Jesus, I know it’s a desperate times desperate measures thing, but I would not let somebody swing a sword at my vagina. 

[Editor’s Note: Wait, you have a vagina?]

Only on weekends.

Of course, because it’s a zombie, the dick is still wriggling inside of the Temp, so Katana has to yank the slimy fucker out. And oh, while you’re currently contemplating that bit of horribleness, we cut over the woman that Katana let get raped, who is suddenly deciding that getting raped feels really good. Because, you know, that’s totally how rape works OH GOD EVEN TYPING THAT SARCASTICALLY MAKES MY SOUL HURT.

BE RIGHT BACK.

CASTRATING SELF WITH A CURLING IRON.

Wow, that was a really bad idea. Anybody have some paper towels?

And a new curling iron?

ANYWAY! After the woman orgasms from getting raped- AAAAARRRRGH THIS MOVIE IS LIKE A SOUL ENEMA- the zombies poison her, and we cut back to the present. Katana is put on look-out over night, and the Temp stays with her to keep her company.

“Must be a blind spot in the city. A dead zone?”

“…”

“Why don’t you get some sleep? I can cover your look-out shift.”

“Um, okay. Then, goodnight.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Well, I am!”

[immediately, Katana and the Temp start making out]

… No, seriously, what the fuck did I just miss here? Was there anything in that previous scene to imply they were hot for each other?! Where was the set-up?! Lesbians should not be this hard to figure out!

After they smooch a bit, Katana and the Temp seamlessly transfer into… talking about the time Katana got gangraped- wait, WHAT?!

THAT’S TERRIBLE FIRST DATE CONVERSATION!

So, yeah. We flash back to… that. All of whom are wearing the green striped shirt from Blues Clues, for some reason. And really, movie? You jump from “rape is great fun” IMMEDIATELY to “rape is super traumatic” in about ten fucking seconds flat?! One of these things is not fucking like the other, I’m just saying!

Back to reality (oh, there goes gravity), and the Temp and Katana are fuckin’. Which is just as inexpertly filmed as all the rest of the sex scenes. I fully expect Tommy Wiseau to show up in the next scene, showin’ off his ass and telling Mark what a funny story is.

The next morning, the local bespectacled dork sneaks in, complete with comic relief music, to ogle the sleeping lesbians. You know, this movie really has a fucking field day denigrating women in every single FUCKING SCENE.

Turns out, the Dork is just that, a dork, and he’s been living in the back of their little hide-out. Wait, seriously, they didn’t notice the Anime geek stashed away in the back? Did they not think to… I dunno, search the building for zombies at any point?! And oh, because he’s such an Anime geek, the only replacement clothes he has for the survivors… are a French maid outfit and a kimono.

THIS MOVIE IS PHYSICALLY TRYING TO EXIT MY SCREEN AND PUNCH ME IN THE SOUL.

The Temp gets the maid outfit and Apron gets the kimono- okay, so I guess I’m re-naming her “Kimono”, and after stealing his clothes, they proceed to tie up the poor bastard. Who is… also a priest?! I… I don’t… what even are you, movie?! And of course, it turns out that the perverted Dork who happened to have a bevy of Moe outfits… is a virgin?!

SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF: GONE.

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3 Responses to “I Apologize In Advance: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part Two”

  1. Saansilt January 16, 2015 at 10:48 pm #

    Oh dear, we’re losing you man…

    • averystrangeplace January 16, 2015 at 11:03 pm #

      Don’t worry, I have a contingency plan! Namely, in the event of my death due to rape zombie related trauma (all other deaths are invalid), a small box will open, at the center of a massive, evil labyrinth, filled with the worse monsters Jim Henson studios can provide. Inside that box, for any reviewer brave enough to seek it, is the password for logging into A Very Strange Place, a copy of the Human Centipede porno, and the souls of all those who have failed to surpass the labyrinth. And a coupon for Starbucks.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Please, Nobody Look Me In The Eyes: Lust Of The Dead Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 17, 2015

    […] fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I’m not summarizing the plot to this shit. We’re just going to get in, get out, and […]

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