Ten Very Important Questions Raised By Prozzak’s “www.nevergetoveryou”

22 Jan




Lemme tell you about a little band called Prozzak.

And no, I’m not bothering to write the umlaut. I’m pretty sure just writing the word umlaut is already giving my keyboard a headache.

Seriously. Those fuckin’ little dots.

Back in 1998, two band members of the Philosopher Kings, who… apparently didn’t get along, decided to start their own little group to explore a new musical direction. That band was Prozzak, and that musical direction was, as a wise man once said, really fucking whiny.

The basic premise was, Simon, the tiny purple one, and Milo, the big fucker who never opens his eyes, were on a quest around the world to find Simon true love. Which of course, as the whiny one, he never quite manages. Oh, and also, they’re time traveling conquistadors from the distance past.

… Don’t ask. It’s Canada, we were… we were going through some things.

And oh, they also released a bunch of music videos for their songs, to go along with their animated little characters! Including this one, from 2000, called “www.nevergetoveryou”.

Just… just watch.

… I have so many questions about this.

Number One: Okay, so the video makes sure to say what domain name there is, but the title on the song just say “www.nevergetoveryou”. So, which is it? Is it com? Is it ca? Is it net?! Org?! This is important, goddammit.

Number Two: Simon says he got an email from a girl, and that’s how he met her, right? So, how the hell did she send him an email? They obviously didn’t know each other before hand, so… was it a dating website? A forum?

Number Three: Simon doesn’t have a neck.

This bothers me.

Number Four: An entire sold out concert of fans for a Prozzak concert, and so many people that the line out front wraps around the back? Yeah, that… that never happened.

Addendum: They have giant versions of their own bisected heads on stage? … Why? Do they think they’d forget their own faces if they didn’t carry them around everywhere?

Number Five: Milo’s whole purpose in the band is to be the wingman, yet when Simon and the girl get their groins tied together, not only does he seperate them, but he does so by swinging giant scissors at their genitals.

That is not a good thing for a wingman to do.

Number Six: That’s… that’s not really how the animators think constructing a website is, right?

Number Seven: “And watch me crying”?! You made an entire website just to force her to watch you sobbing ALL NIGHT because she won’t bang you?! You emotionally blackmailing jackass.

Number Eight: Scanners do not work that way.

Number Nine: Simon doesn’t have a neck.

This still bothers me.

Number Ten: Simon is quite possibly the most passive aggressive, emotionally immature, completely pathetic excuse for a man I have ever seen. I’m not surprised that nobody will date him for long.



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