There’s Blood On My Bed, But Here In My Head, I’m Feeling Fine: Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart Review, Part Two

28 Jan

Oh. Right, I almost forgot this was a thing. Congratulations, and welcome back to the only movie that understands human anatomy less than me before my first autopsy.

That poster is pretty much MADE out of spoilers, now that I think about it.

Previously, on Cuckoo-Clock Heart: The fourteen year old Jack, and his clockwork heart, is on the hunt for Miss Acacia, the girl he’s fallen in love with. Only problem is, falling in love will actually make his heart explode. Oh, and of course, there’s the school bully, Joe, who also has a thing for Miss Acacia, but he’s a bit less of a problem. Seeing as Jack stabbed him in the eye with his cuckoo-clock. Which I assume is a perfectly normal part of human mating.


Jack runs all the way home, and tells the Midwife oh hi, school was fun, and I may have just killed a man, what’s for dinner? The police are coming up the hill, so while the Midwife gets ready to distract them, they make plans to fake Jack’s death. After Luna, Anna, and the man with the xylophone back, Arthur, sneak him out back, we cut to later. Namely, as Jack has his own musical number about his predicament, while he rides a completely badass steam-punk train. Seriously, it’s like if an accordion and a clock had a baby who decided it identified as a train and it’s parents were very supportive of it’s life choice.

As Jack sings, he… is suddenly confronted with a strange man on the train. Who sings about cutting women open. And confesses that he is Jack the Ripper, and proceeds to chase Jack down the train as he attempts to kill him with a knife.

Only in France can a children’s film randomly feature a world famous serial killer for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

As the train comes to a stop, just before the Ripper manages to nail Jack, an inventor wanders on to the train, sending the Ripper running. Said Inventor is trying to get his new camcorder invention work, and he offers to fix Jack’s clock in exchange for getting to poke around inside it. Yes, Jack, clearly you should let the man who can’t get a camera to work perform unlicensed open heart surgery. Make sure to tell me what a great idea that was while the maggots are making sure not to eat any of your clockwork.

But of course, the Inventor gets his heart up and running, and Jack confides in him about his fears: Namely, that maybe the Midwife is right, and maybe Jack can’t love Miss Acacia without dying, but of course, the Inventor tells him to go for it. Because Jack is evidently convinced that his life is now an RPG, he invites the Inventor to join his party.

(+2 EXP.)

They travel via musical number to an eerie little carnival in the middle of nowhere, and they soon hear over the PA that Miss Acacia is performing soon. They rush to her performance, and watch as she enchants the crowd of… well, about ten people, but she’s still enchanting. So, we’re counting it. In our big book of enchanting. We have one of those.

See, says right here. And it also says you’re… on the naughty list- wait, that’s not right.

While she’s getting applauded after her song, Jack sneaks into her room, and gifts her with… a bouquet of glasses- oh, he’s good. But while she’s happy to see him, he doesn’t quite have the clockballs to tell her that he’s the boy from years ago. So instead, he says he works at the Ghost Train! And thankfully, unlike every single sit-com ever, the Ghost Train is actually hiring, so the “comical misconception” lasts for about ten seconds.

Instead, we jump to the next day, with Jack running the Ghost Train, as Acacia takes a ride. And cue a musical number, filled with animators getting to be as creative as they very well choose. I’m fairly certain at least three of them orgasmed during this musical number alone. Anywho, after the ride is over, nobody is at all frightened, and the lady running the ride is absolutely furious with Jack, but Acacia had a great time, and apparently that’s all that matters.

Acacia and Jack take a walk along the tracks, and- okay, is it weird that these two animated puppets have more chemistry than most real life actors that I see? Either humans are especially lame, or animated cartoons rock. Anyway, he shows off his clockwork heart, but just before they kiss, she admits that her heart already belongs to another: A boy she met when she was little.

Gee. I wonder who it was. I wonder if I can even hazard a guess. Oh well.

She wanders off, and Jack heads back to the Inventor, who has been romancing a pair of conjoined twins this whole time, and tells him that he’s failed. Of course, the Inventor points out that she never actually SAID who the guy was, so Jack sneaks back into her dressing room to ask.

Annnnnnd she once again never says it.

For fuck’s sake.

After the duo go to a movie together, on behalf of the Inventor, they go for a walk outside the carnival, and Jack has somehow become convinced that the boy she fell for was Joe. Because I guess he never read TV Tropes. Anyway, she explains that the boy she loved was him, but she still can’t remember what he looks like. Annnnd even worse, he doesn’t have the balls to say it.

You surreptitious, stoma-sucking, steampunk pansy.


3 Responses to “There’s Blood On My Bed, But Here In My Head, I’m Feeling Fine: Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart Review, Part Two”

  1. Chris January 30, 2015 at 2:31 pm #

    Pretty sure Luna and the tubby one are not her children as it says somewhere she cannot have children. My 2 year old bloody loves this movie. Seeen it about 30 times arrrrgghhhhh

    • averystrangeplace January 30, 2015 at 4:22 pm #

      I can see why! It’s definitely very unique, buuuuut I can see it getting seriously grating after 30 viewings. My condolences!
      And as for the children thing, I did eventually realize that! I think I stuck it in part one, but in retrospect, I probably should have just gone back and fixed the original comment that called them her daughters. Erm. Whoopsie.


  1. It’s Easy To Sleep When I’m Not Buzzing All The Time: Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - January 31, 2015

    […] on Jack And The Cuckoo-Clock Heart: Jack, of the cuckoo-clock heart, has hunted down his long-lost sweetheart, Miss Acacia, at a […]

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