Archive | February, 2015

sometimes I make posts for ME

28 Feb

Sometimes, I write posts because I have something to say. Sometimes, I write posts because I want to make people laugh.

And sometimes, I write posts as a cataloging system for Space Jam remixes.

You say “self indulgent”, say “insurance in case the economy crashes and we have to pay in Space Jam remixes from now on”.

Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight

27 Feb

Welp, I’m drunk enough to think this is a good idea again. Boot up Necrosleep!

[Editor’s Note: You don’t “boot up” Creepypastas.]

No, but I’ll boot up your ass if you don’t shut it.

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on Necrosleep: Sleep happened, except it didn’t. Plot twist.

Ahem!

“HGWishingWells: In all seriousness I had nothing to do with this. I swear on my great grandmother’s life!”

Does that mean if I off your great grandmother, reality will realign itself so you’ll have had something to do with this? This require scientific testing. Somebody get me a mallet.

“Reedman07: Swearing on the life of a dead person isn’t exactly the most convincing way to plead.”

What if it’s a zombie? Does your oath stay, or do they cancel each other out? These are integral questions, people.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: I think the joke’s gone far enough. HG, did you do it or not?”

If the answer if yes, can we go home now? It’s past my bedtime.

“HGWishingWells: I really didn’t do it. The admins and I were genuinely perplexed when we saw where the message came from. Or should I say, where the message DIDN’T come from. It was certainly not from any registered user on the inside.”

If anyone uses the phrase “ghost in the machine”, I am going to hate you until the sheer power of hatred makes your head explode.

“B3457w4rf4r3: If they actually send you the pills are you going to take them? You couldn’t pay me a million bucks to try that [expletive].”

Spoiler alert: It’s actually just licorice jellybeans. Which means it’s six times more toxic than actual poison would be.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: I can personally guarantee you that stuff is too good to be true. Nothing can make you stay awake forever.”

Looks like somebody has never tried cocaine! Cocaine (trademark pending)! It does nothing but good things!

“HGWishingWells: I agree with Cosmic. Don’t take this any further.”

And if I were a wise man, I’d take that as an excuse to stop writing this post!

I am not a wise man.

“Reedman07: Even if they do send me the pills and it’s not just junk mail, I’m not going to take it unless I find some more information on it. Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

Yes. Yep. Yup. Definitely. Absolutely. Totally. Yeppers.

“Chill out guys. I probably won’t update this thread anymore, so follow my blog if you want to know what’s up with me. The link’s on my profile.”

Pssh, what kind of guy who ask people to read his blog!

SMOKEBOMB!

Yellow, the colour of fear! And lemons! LEMONY FEAR!

“Well, we pretty much ruled out the possibility that it’s a prank by the admins. I don’t think HGWishingWells would carry on a prank this long, nor would he lie so blatantly. And even if one of the other admins were to prank me, I can’t imagine they would do it with some Russian supplement pitch. It’s just all too strange.”

Namedropping me is not going to get you out of this, Reed.

“Last night, I had a buddy of mine deliver the mail to my doorstep in exchange for some coding work on his Flash site.”

Now please, bare in mind, this is Reed before he goes crazy. This is Reed when he’s sane.

“I’ll do just about anything to avoid leaving the building. But that’s not the point; the point is that I received an envelope with no return address. Yet I immediately knew who it was from.”

… The mailman?

“The envelope was old. Very old, like it’s been sitting in a dusty attic for decades.”

Huh. I guess Amazon Prime hit a time warp.

Again.

“I opened the stained envelope only to find a smaller manila envelope inside, also rather old-looking. Inscribed on the small envelope was the word “Necrosleep” and a word of advice on storing the packet in a cool, dark place for maximum potency. The words appeared to have been stamped onto the envelope rather than printed.”

And what, was it wax sealed too, as long as we’re pushing the “OH MAH GAWD SO OLD” card?

“I opened the small envelope, and sure enough, there were 30 black pills inside, more crude than what you might get from your local pharmacy.”

… Oh god, they ARE licorice jellybeans!

“Now before you all start freaking out, I’m NOT going to take these. At least not until I can dig up some more reliable information on it.”

I give it five minutes before he stuffs them up his nose.

“Now I know that these Russian dope dealers weren’t just trying to send me junk mail. The question is, why would they send me the pills if they don’t actually work?”

Because they had an over-supply of Viagra and needed to get rid of it in the most convoluted way possible?

“Surely they must want my money, which they wouldn’t get after a failed 30 day trial. What if they’re trying to kill me? I never did have a good feeling about any of this. But the curiosity is killing me.”

No, no, the one killing you is me.

Your Basic, Average Omegle

26 Feb

Oh, for- at this point, I am quite literally just taking whatever sentence I’m reading at the current moment, and slapping Omegle at the end. What a stirring representation of workmanship! Alas, anyway, Omegle, and the mocking thereupon.

Ahem!

pretend you accedentally walk into pony-con (my little pony btw) what would you do? (sorry for misspelling)

So, you felt bad enough about your bad spelling to apologize about it, but not enough to actually fix it?

Oh, it’s going to be one of those days.

dont touch me there

Ah, it’s like my first date all over again. Well. Fine, add Doodles Weaver.

thoughts on a 17 year old girl dating a 23 year old guy

Sounds like a set-up to Endless Love 2: Electric Boogaloo?

if i murder and escape out of my country, do they still have legal authorities to convict me in foreign land?

Isn’t that what Batman is for?

What came first the chicken or the egg hint: what incubated the egg/what fucked the chicken

Um. ‘True’, I’ll go ‘true’.

What makes you happy?

[Insert stock “dark” answer to make me seem edgy]

do girls care about dick size?….if so what siz

Three feet. Fully prehensile. With a stinger- wait, no, I’m getting genitals confused with scorpions again.

Can you still be considered a “Neckbeard” even if you have a circle beard and are by your own genetics a skinny dude?

Eh, whichever response would insult you more, just pretend I said that.

madonna fell off stage and DIED!!!

And her cone bra rose in three days.

Man, I hope she’s not really dead. Or this is going to be really awkward.

“our angst is entertaining”

25 Feb

They say you can feel a paradigm shifting.

They say you can just tell when reality changes around you.

When all the stars align, time stops, and you feel something is instantly, impossibly different.

SINCE WHEN WAS THERE AN EXTENDED VERSION OF THE CLONE HIGH THEME SONG?!

Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven

24 Feb

You know, when I began this review, I had the slightest suspicion that separating each part would make it more tolerable.

Nope!

internet_campfire_tales

 

Previously, on NecrosleepThings happened, words were involved, and I contemplated lighting things on fire.

Ahem!

“I got another PM from Revelation666. Am I the only one who gets creeped out by that name?”

What, you mean after the paralyzing laughter?

“Knowing what I know now, it makes me uneasy to think about the great lengths this user went to contact me specifically. For some reason, they stealthily bypassed the system just to send me these messages and make me this “offer.””

He also sent out three carrier pigeons, knitted you a doily, and texted you in Esperanto, as long as he’s having fun using the most pointless communication methods possible.

“Here is the message I just received:

To: Reedman07

From: Revelation666

Subject: Necrosleep.net/backdoor

Congratulations Reedman07. You’ve been selected to receive a free 30 day trial of Necrosleep. Claim your exclusive reward at Necrosleep.net/backdoor

Find out what you’ve been missing your entire life, risk free.

Necrosleep.net/backdoor”

Gosh, if I had a dollar every time somebody told me to use their backdoor.

“Once again my curiosity got the best of me. Bracing myself for whatever scam was coming my way, I clicked the link.”

You are just wonderful at decision making. Just super.

“I was taken to a page asking for my address, nothing more. I thought about it carefully, knowing full well that these people likely have malicious intentions.”

… Oh, really. Whatever gave that away, the fact that the Russian Sleep Experiment is selling you pills named after death and made by Satan?

“But if I entered my post office box, what’s the worst that could happen? Worst case scenario they send me some junk mail or some faulty pills.”

Or they’re a serial killer who is performing all of this to find your address, sneak into your house, and sew all of your various orifices closed after filling you with cockroaches.

Or junk mail. Either or, really.

“The point is that I’ll finally know what they want from me.”

Did you miss the whole cockroach thing?!

[Editor’s Note: He can’t actually hear you. It’s a fictional story.]

… Well, now you tell me.

“I entered the address.”

And somewhere, the cockroaches are celebrating.

“Ain’t no party like an orifice party ’cause an orifice party’s sewn shut!”

“I decided to go back to the thread I posted on Nocturnal Underground and let people know what’s up. Sure enough, their reactions were amusing.”

Hah. Hah hah hah. Oh boy. More comic relief. Let me get the mustard gas, and I’ll be ready to laugh along.

“Reedman07: Well guys, it happened again. Look at the attachment. [Message2.jpg]”

I’d like to assume that Reed literally just said “message2.jpg”. The idea that he’s a complete psychopath whose life is a complete delusion on a downward spiral just makes me happy.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: Don’t tell me you clicked on this one too.”

Huh. I didn’t know that was in this story.

“Reedman07: I did. Then it asked me for my address. But don’t worry I only entered my PO box.

Cosmic_Trashbin: Are you out of your [expletive] mind?!”

Okay, there’s no way this is a real forum. Everything is spelled fine, for crying out loud.

“Reedman07: I take it you couldn’t persuade the admins to disable the profanity filter.”

Yes, because the author is still drunk enough to think this is funny.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: No [expletive] Sherlock. Apparently they get a huge kick out of watching us quarrel over it.”

It’s not, by the way. Funny? This bit? Yeah, no. Not going to happen. Ever. Go home.

“Reedman07: I wouldn’t be surprised if HGWishingWells sent me these weird messages just to stir up some controversy around here.”

I’d be surprised! After all, that’d be the first interesting thing to happen.

“HGWishingWells: Neither would I… ;)”

My god! A winky-faced emoticon! He must be evil!

“Cosmic_Trashbin: The mystery has been solved. Everybody go home.”

Oh, okay.

Bye.

He Whistles When He Walks VIDEO

23 Feb

Oh, what’s that? You weren’t sated with yesterday’s video? BAM DOUBLE VIDEO ACTION! See, a couple months ago, back when Internet Campfire Tales was just starting out, I wrote my own Creepypasta! And yesterday, a very nice gentleman decided to record a dramatic reading of it! Check it out! It ROCKS SOCKS.

OMANDS AND DRAGONS REVIEW

22 Feb

Well, I’ve had to sit out the last couple of posts, so here’s my apology! NEW VIDEO REVIEW! OMANDS AND DRAGONS! LET ‘ER ROLL!