Internet Campfire Tales: The Enigma Of The Deathbringer, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two

2 Feb

Really, the title “Enigma Of The Deathbringer” is just not living up to it’s fullest potential. We obviously need a few metal bands under this title. Or maybe just a few sexual positions.

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on The Enigma Of The Deathbringer: Our protagonist who isn’t particularly pro or tagonist has found the first film ever made, which appears to be haunted. Which is impressive, given that it’s dated before the technology necessary for film even existed.

Ahem!

“Sometimes the crowd of people walking would change into a crowd of people fighting.”

The shocking true story behind “Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting”.

“Brutally assaulting each other using blades, blunt weapons, and sometimes guns.”

I don’t think it’s haunted, I’m pretty sure you just have a grainy copy of The Purge. Not that that’s less evil, mind.

“Sometimes the crowd would be replaced by a pile of bloody, sometimes dismembered, bodies. Things just got worse and worse from there.”

Well, that’s not a very flattering description of your own Creepypasta.

“A man slamming a baby repeatedly on the pavement, a woman gutting a man while a child shoved her own thumbs into her very own eyes, a man in a wheelchair set on fire and pushed down the street between the two sidewalks. “

Huh. Say, do you know about those “Ebonics” translators? Turns written text into stereotypical blaxsploitation dialogue? I’m suddenly very curious about what’ll happen if I run a Creepypasta through one of those.

“uh n***a slamming uh baby repeatedly on da pavement, uh beotch gutting uh n***a while uh child shoved her own thumbs into her very own peeps, uh n***a in uh wheelchair set on fire an’ pushed down da street between da two sidewalks all ye damn hood ratz.”

… Well, everything got a lot less scary all of a sudden.

“Horrible, awful things happened, and they just got progressively worse and worse.”

And presumably more peeps were involved.

“After about thirty-five minutes, we all started hearing sound coming from the film. This was also impossible, every film made back then was incapable of having sound.”

Okay, I hate to keep harping on this- that’s a lie, I love to keep harping on this- but films made back then were mirrors that spun around over and over again!

“This made things so much worse, it’s one thing to just watch people die, but having to hear their cries and screams and such makes it so much harder to bear.”

‘We considered turning it off, but… you know, the remote was all the way over there.’

‘And turning it off just seemed rude.’

“We could now hear the sound of knives cutting through the flesh of the victims, the screams of children as they are tortured, the sounds of explosions coming from off-screen.”

… Okay, more ebonics!

“Yo we’s could now hear da sound o’ knives cutting through da flesh o’ da victims, da screams o’ chil’ns as dey is tortured, da sounds o’ explosions coming from off-screen Don’ make me come ova there bitch…”

Oh, that will never get old.

“Eventually, the building behind the sidewalk opposite of the lone man walking had disappeared completely and showed off two towers side by side. The twin towers.”

… Wait, WHAT?!

“We all knew what was coming next. The first plane hit, next play, the second plane hits, next play, people are jumping off the building and hitting the ground, making horrible sounds. This film was made in 1877, there should be no possible way for this to be happening.”

If you can listen very carefully, you can hear the author desperately tossing tragedies at us, praying desperately that at least one of them will be scary.

“It showed off multiple other tragedies, the Columbine shooting, V-tech, that Colorado theater shooting, public executions by the Nazis, and many more.”

And none of them are working. Not even a little. I mean- you had to Godwin’s Law this whole thing, for god’s sake.

“That’s when I noticed one thing hadn’t changed this whole time. The man in the black suit walking on the sidewalk hadn’t changed once at all. His movements, suit, face, hair, hair color, skin color, height, everything remained the exact same.”

‘And that’s when I knew… he was my soul mate.’

“The sidewalk, as well, never changed. This is when I gave him the moniker, the “Deathbringer.””

And that’s when you stopped, realized how fucking stupid that name is, and came up with a better name, right?

“Eventually, I started to feel physically and mentally sick. I felt like I was going to vomit, I felt tired, ridiculously hungry, insane, dizzy, cold, I felt like I was dying.”

Then stop watching it. Why do Creepypasta protagonists have some bizarre fixation with smashing their heads against a problem until they awaken Yog Sothoth, to horribly mangle a metaphor?

“I passed out on around sixty minutes of viewing.”

SIXTY MINUTES?! And you never once decided that continuing to watch this was perhaps not the wisest idea?!

GLaDOS, honey, if you may?

Thank you.

“I woke up hours later. Apparently, the others had passed out as well. We were all bleeding from our nose, and mouth. We looked up and saw one last play on the projector, it was the Deathbringer walking on the side walk outside of the building we were watching the film in.”

I’m going to presume you mean “moonwalking”, it’d make him at least a little interesting.

“When he reached the end of the street this time, he started turning his head to the building. And then the projector died.”

You were projecting a Praxinoscope? That’s impressive.

“Since then, we have had the film taken from us by what I assume to be F.B.I. or C.I.A. people or something like that.”

‘Man, who are these SCP guys, and what do they want with this thing?’

“We were told not to say anything, but as you can see, that didn’t stop me from talking. Not like anyone is going to believe me. That’s why those guys aren’t even keeping an eye on me.”

Yeah, that’s… that’s totally what shadowy government organizations do. Absolutely. Dude, I’m pretty sure every object in your room right about now is actually a sniper.

“Well, at least I hope not. Anyway, we were then taken to a hospital to be checked out. Surprisingly, we had nothing wrong with us physically, but mentally was the complete opposite of okay.”

You DO seem fairly stupid, so I’ll give you that much.

“Since then, my memories of that night have become very blurry. Initially, I started writing this as an attempt to remember more from the incident, but as I continued to write, I found out that I really don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember a goddamn thing.”

Neither do I; can we wrap this up?

“I have nightmares every night of horrible, awful things now. Something like that film would have shown. It’s been that way for the past year and I’ve had it.”

I will take that as a no.

“As for my friends that were in that group, I haven’t heard anything from them and they’ve since been reported missing. Apparently this happened over a time span of one year, but I didn’t even know until I attempted to reach one of them through their family.”

Nah, that’s what normally happens when somebody gets wrapped up in a new game. Dragon Age: Inquisition, amirite?

“I didn’t keep in contact with them, I didn’t really want to. If I had talked to them, that would only result in my memories of that awful night becoming even clearer. To be honest, I was relieved to hear that they were missing.”

‘I owed them a LOT of money.’

“Since they are gone my memories of that night will be forever obscured. I guess I knew that I really didn’t want to remember that night subconsciously. I see no reason to keep on going like this.”

And yet, you’re still writing! Funny how that works.

“Ever since that day, I stopped going outside less and less, I am now starving, but I can’t build up the courage to go out. Why? Because sometimes at night, when I look outside, I swear that I see a man in a black suit walking on the sidewalk opposite of my house.”

Okay, one more time.

“Yo Ever since dat day, ah stopped going outside less an’ less, ah be now starving, but ah can’t build up da courage ta go out. Why? cuz sometimes at night, when ah peep outside, ah swear dat ah see uh n***a in uh black suit walking on da sidewalk opposite o’ muh motha fuckin crib just like mammy.”

Seriously, I’m onto something here. I’m going to have to try that with The Shining later. Anyway, that was The Enigma Of The Deathbringer! How was it?

… THAT FUCKING TITLE- not very good.

I feel bad, because it was very well written! Whoever did this definitely has all the mechanics down, buuuuut there’s no emotional connection, the facts are screwed up, it’s blatant with it’s use of tragedies, and the ending is just so cliche!

But really, with that title? It could have been a hell of a lot worse.

I wonder…

“Yo da Enigma o’ da Deathbringer , wOrd!”

Why am I even surprised.

 

Advertisements

6 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: The Enigma Of The Deathbringer, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two”

  1. Saansilt February 3, 2015 at 8:25 pm #

    Hey Strange, that was pretty schlochy even for a riffing. Very boring pasta.
    Might I suggest this one for next time?
    http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Necrosleep

    • Saansilt February 3, 2015 at 8:25 pm #

      I meant that the pasta was schlochy, not the riffing. The riffing was good.

      • Saansilt February 3, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

        Schlocky dagnabbit!
        I will be articulate!

      • averystrangeplace February 3, 2015 at 8:54 pm #

        Hey, thanks! It was a pretty tough one to riff, there was just so much nothing going on! Oh, and as for Necrosleep… WHAT.
        I mean, okay, so it’s supposedly based in 2023, because… why? It’s all based on contemporary technology, so why the 9 year time skip? Just so you can have a “this was a cold case” bit at the beginning? And then, you have that dumb title! I mean, not as bad as “Engima Of The Deathbringer”, but seriously, Creepypasta writers, stop having “death” in your title, no matter that language! It never ends well! And the forum bits? They’re kind of amusing, I guess, but they’re completely at odds with the rest of the piece’s tone! And that opening? Thanks for spending, what, a thousand words? Just giving us background information that won’t play into it at all? I mean, I always say that building an emotional connection is crucial, but there’s a tremendous difference between THAT and GIVING US HIS A&E BIOGRAPHY. How the HELL did this get to be “Pasta Of The Month”?! And “Hail A. Satan”?! And that discount Russian sleep experiment garbage?! AND THAT PART WITH THE CHILDREN’S SHOW-
        Ahem.
        Lemme rephrase that: Yes, that will DEFINITELY be my next “Internet Campfire Tales”. Thank you for showing me that!

  2. OneAwfulWriter March 4, 2015 at 5:52 am #

    The riffing on this little piece of shit I wrote a while ago was more than necessary, and I really have to thank you for it. I’m very sorry you had the unpleasant experience of reading the entirety of this piece of uninspired and nonsensical rubbish. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking when I put this soulless mistake on the internet. And goddammit, that title is just awful. Again, I am very sorry that you read this. That being said, I find your review quite humorous. I got a pretty good laugh out of it.

    • averystrangeplace March 4, 2015 at 9:57 am #

      Oh! Hello! Well, I’m glad you enjoyed the review! I’m getting the impression that there isn’t much love lost over this story? It’s kind of a shame, because while I stand by everything I said about this story, it had fantastic mechanics! It was very structurally well written, even if the text itself left something to be desired. I’d love to read anything you’ve written lately, just to see how your talents have expanded!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: