Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part One

4 Feb

*sits at table, puts on business suit and tie*

Ladies and gentlemen, all rise: For a CREEPYPASTA OF THE MONTH.

*national anthem plays*

Oh god where is that music coming from.

internet_campfire_tales

As far as I know, this is the first Pasta of the Month that we’ve covered. Not sure WHICH month, mind, but it certainly is one. Namely, Necrosleep. So, let’s see what Creepypasta decided was so spectacular that it deserved a spot of honour.

Ahem!

“Cold Case File – Necrosleep.net – 4/18/2023. The following account is the only surviving evidence supporting the existence of Necrosleep.net.”

The really weird part is when I go to “necrosleep.net”, all I find is a website about helping your baby sleep. Which is… far weirder than anything else you’ll find here.

“The blog data was downloaded by a concerned reader just before it vanished from the internet in 2014. The data was not recovered until 9 years passed.”

It took… nine years for data recovery? Look, despite being an android and all, I won’t pretend I’m an expert in this stuff, but how in god’s name did it take you NINE YEARS to recover a single website?! I’ve been doing this for almost three years, and I severely doubt even have enough material to take that long and oh god I’ve been doing this for almost three years.

“These are the final moments of Reed Murdock, written in his own words.”

Yes, very specifically his ‘own’ words. He had his own language. Don’t ask.

“My Disconnected Life”

That’s his title? I hate him already.

“Blog author: Reed Murdock. October 16th, 2014. Hey guys, so I’ve decided to start a blog about my new life.”

If this is about your Life Of Deaths, I’m quitting now.

“Most of you reading this are probably my friends and acquaintances, but for the rest of you I’ll expose a little bit about myself.”

Oh god just keep your pants on.

“My name’s Reed, I just moved out of my stupid parents’ basement (thank God) and now I’m pursuing my own life where no one can push me around anymore.”

Sir. You named your website “My Disconnected Life”. I don’t care who’s basement you’re living in, you will always be pushed around.

“Technically I’m the one who ditched the place, but they all but kicked me out beforehand. Nobody gives a damn about a “crackhead” like me, not even my parents. Not that I care.”

Our protagonist is a whiny, over-dramatic drug addict. We’re about one musical number away from this turning into RENT.

“Anyways, I’m doing my own thing now. I had to give up a few luxuries, my Mom’s hellacious cooking not worthy of being called a luxury.”

DID YOU JUST SAY HELLACIOUS.

YOU FILTHY SON OF A PRAXINOSCOPE.

“I’d much rather live off discount ramen noodles anyways. Sometimes I’ll even have corn on the side when I’m feeling extra fancy.”

Make it rain, Reed.

“Speaking of fancy, I’ll admit my apartment is anything but. It’s the cheapest one I could find, in fact. I find the saying “you get what you pay for” to be especially true when I’m trying to sleep to the lulling sound of what I can only guess is some old lady getting mugged in the dark alleyway next door.”

That’s… that’s nice. Just to double check, there is a story here, right? And not just this guy’s A&E biography?

“My ghetto sanctuary consists of one living room, a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a closet. The walls are practically made of cardboard and the carpet is stained with God knows what, but it’s good enough for me.”

And who wants to bet that, say, none of this is going to be important later on? Ah, I assume the deafening silence is due to the fact that nobody on Earth is stupid enough to take that bet.

Oh, that, and the fact that I can’t actually hear you through your computer. That… that probably has something to do with it too.

“Living with me is my poor excuse for a cat named Twig. She’s one of those weird hairless breeds, and in turn, a real conversation piece. I’m often asked why the cat’s turned inside out, or if she was the victim of some perverse taxidermy project gone wrong.”

Everyone say hi to Twig! Hi, Twig! I look forward to your inevitable tragic death, which is obviously the only reason you’re in this story!

“As shoddy as my life seems, living on the cheap has its benefits.”

‘For example, sleeping on a bed of dirty needles is great for my posture, and the under-age prostitutes in the neighborhood are so desperate, they don’t even care that the rats have already gnawed off my feet!”

… Jesus fuck, that joke was so seedy, I think it just OD’d in the corner.

Look at this puppy! He’s not depressed, so you shouldn’t be either! OH GOD I’M SO SORRY DON’T CRY.

“My cost of living is next to nothing, so I can make enough money to survive by doing odd jobs on the internet without ever leaving the house.”

If one of the odd jobs is “reviewing”, I’m going to sue Adam And Eve for cheating on me.

“I spend half of the month writing bogus reviews for products I’ve never used and filling out surveys on political issues I know nothing about, then spend the other half surfing the web and watching pirated reruns of The X-Files.”

Aww, just The X-Files? Considering this Pasta’s wonderful ability to piss me off at every single turn, I’m surprised he doesn’t spend his days watching Grey’s Anatomy or Gossip Girls or something else that would make me want to punch his lungs out.

“I don’t even have to pay for internet service thanks to my neighbors’ complete failure to secure their Wi-Fi hotspot. I bet their data overages are through the roof now. Oh well, not my problem.”

… Okay, replace “punch lungs out” with “bake cupcakes in his eye sockets”.

[Editor’s Note: What does that even MEAN?]

It means something that I can’t say online. It also means I will bake cupcakes in his eye sockets.

“I’ll be updating this blog every day or two if I’m up to anything interesting.”

Spoiler alert: He won’t.

“Thanks for reading this boring crap, hopefully my life will get a little more exciting in the days to come. -Reed”

Spoiler alert: It won’t.

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7 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 5, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Absolutely nothing […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 9, 2015

    […] Previously, on Necrosleep: A whiny idiot is staying at home and refusing to interact with people. But enough about my life, how about the story? […]

  3. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Four | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 11, 2015

    […] FINE! I’m game. Previously, on Necrosleep: Our protagonist who is giving Ethan Safe a run for his money in the field of […]

  4. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 15, 2015

    […] Previously, on Necrosleep: An irritating asshat is reading a Russian website that promises to erase sleep, and claims it’s impetus is a man named Dr. Hail A. Stan, an anagram so obvious, it made 50 Shades Of Grey‘s colour scheme seem delicate and understated. […]

  5. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 19, 2015

    […] Previously, on Necrosleep: I discovered that I am secretly made out of pure loathing, of an intensity not seen since the days of ancient eldritch abominations of chaos and blood, worshiped in the whispers and shadows of great wars. And also a forum happened. […]

  6. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 24, 2015

    […] Previously, on Necrosleep: Things happened, words were involved, and I contemplated lighting things on fire. […]

  7. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 27, 2015

    […] Previously, on Necrosleep: Sleep happened, except it didn’t. Plot twist. […]

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