Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Four

11 Feb

Hear that? Hear the rhythmic slamming- well, I suspect you can’t, as this is a text format. But rest assured, if this was audible, you could hear me slamming my face into my desk over and over again because I cannot believe I have to keep talking about this.

internet_campfire_tales

BUT FINE! I’m game. Previously, on NecrosleepOur protagonist who is giving Ethan Safe a run for his money in the field of “most irritating fictional character ever”, has received an email from a mysterious Russian web-site called Necrosleep, which he is currently checking out. And by currently, I mean that I literally cut off the last post midway through.

I AM A PROFESSIONAL.

Ahem!

“Try it for yourself by clicking the purchase link. If Necrosleep doesn’t change your life, we will offer you a complete refund. Your astonishment is guaranteed.”

If I’m not, can I get a refund on the time I wasted on this story?

“What a bold claim these people are making. There’s no way this stuff actually works, otherwise everyone would be taking it. Obviously I was skeptical, and still am, but I clicked around the site a bit more just out of curiosity. I clicked the “Secret” hyperlink, which took me to another page. Here’s the text from said page:”

I’d quote from The Secret here, but… I don’t own that crap.

[Editor’s Note: … You own a movie called “Jive Turkey”.]

WHICH WILL CERTAINLY TELL YOU A LOT, NOW WON’T IT.

Yep. This is real. And if you’re all VERY VERY GOOD, I might review it one of these days.

“Necrosleep is comprised of special and rare ingredients, which we cannot disclose in order to ensure that our formula stays in private hands.”

The secret origins behind the Coca-Cola formula.

“In order to keep our product available, it can only be distributed through alternative means on an exclusive basis.”

‘Carrier newts, mainly. They’re a thousand times more ineffective than any other means of transport, but they’re so cute.’

“The active ingredient in Necrosleep has been sought after for years by doctors and scientists intending to displace sleep with wakefulness. Only we have managed to do what others could not, as permitted by the will of our master.”

Oh, yeah, scientists definitely have masters. Why do you think they tell you the safe word when you get your doctorate?

“We can assure you with full confidence that our product will change your life, and you will never feel need to sleep again.”

And somewhere, Freddy Krueger is shaking his fist.

“Feel free to indulge in our secret.”

Yep. Completely secretive secret. So secrety. Definitely not like this guy is posting it on his freakin’ blog.

“Alternative means? More like black market. Whatever’s going on here doesn’t appear to be… legal, exactly. Not that I care about the law, I just get untrustworthy vibes from this site.”

… Absolutely fucking ASTUTE, Sherlock.

“Anyways, I continued on and clicked the “Credit” hyperlink. My heart skipped a little when I was confronted with honestly the most uncanny photo of a living person I’ve ever seen. It was an old black and white photo of a tall man in a doctor’s coat.”

SCP-049, what are YOU doing here!

I think I actually own that outfit.

“If he wasn’t standing upright, I’d say the guy was dead, but my guess is that he was just cadaverously unhealthy, and probably blind from the looks of his pale, lifeless eyes. Not a trace of emotion could be found in his face.”

Hey, don’t be so hasty to judge. Maybe he’s just as bored as I am.

“There was a small bit text below the photo, which read as follows: Credit for the pioneering of Necrosleep goes to the brilliant Dr. Hail A. Stan, proxy of our master, and founder of the Ukrainian Institute of Occult Medicine. His work lives on.”

Hail A. Stan?

Hail A. Stan?!

HAIL A. MOTHERFUCKING STAN?!

If I could just go one post this week without being driven into an inarticulate rage, that would just be super.

 

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4 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Four”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 15, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: An irritating asshat is reading a Russian website that promises to erase sleep, and claims it’s […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 19, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: I discovered that I am secretly made out of pure loathing, of an intensity not seen since the days of […]

  3. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 24, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Things happened, words were involved, and I contemplated lighting things on […]

  4. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 27, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Sleep happened, except it didn’t. Plot […]

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