Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five

15 Feb

Hmm, I’m starting to develop a positive opinion of life in general. Looks like it’s time to dip my head into a seething cauldron of unpleasant teenage angst.

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on NecrosleepAn irritating asshat is reading a Russian website that promises to erase sleep, and claims it’s impetus is a man named Dr. Hail A. Stan, an anagram so obvious, it made 50 Shades Of Grey‘s colour scheme seem delicate and understated.

Ahem!

“Proxy of our master? Occult medicine? Maybe I’ve watched too many horror movies, but this isn’t your typical snake oil sales pitch.”

Wow, we’re barely a sentence in, and I already want to explosively punch his lungs out of his ass. This is not a good sign.

“Maybe they’re part of some deranged religious group or something? I admit I was slightly creeped out, but more fascinated. I clicked the “Purchase” hyperlink, out of mere curiosity once again.”

W- wait, what? Why? When somebody is trying to investigate something, since when do they hit the purchase button? When you order it, are you going to stick your dick in it while you’re at it, “out of mere curiosity”?

“Turns out each pill costs some absurd amount of Russian currency, which I found was equal to about 130 US dollars per pill. Ridiculous! Not that I would buy them even if I could.”

Look around, kid. Can you see the pyramids? Are your feet wet? Because you’re knee-deep in de-Nile.

“I immediately left the site.”

Which is what I should have done five minutes after finding this Pasta.

“At this point I’m guessing it’s probably a lousy foreign credit card scam, or some weird cult initiative. Either way it made my day more interesting than it normally would’ve been.”

Who are you trying to convince here? Me, or you?

“October 22nd, 2014. I posted a thread on Nocturnal Underground about the mystery user who sent me the strange PM. I found myself wanting to know more about this whole Necrosleep.net thing, so as a part of my investigation I sought to find out who the user was.”

And, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the massive chunks of this Pasta. Namely, the wacky and wild antics of this forum! Because that’s totally scary and appropriate for a Creepypasta, right?

As you can’t see me right now, feel free to assume I’m putting my fist through a wall.

“Here’s a transcript of the forum thread: Reedman07: Hey guys, I hope I’m not disrupting the order of things by posting this in the Trolling and Harassment section, I didn’t know where else to put it. I figured this incident of mine might qualify as a spam case if other people are getting the same advertisement message I am.”

‘Hmm, nope. Maybe try the Poorly Written And Infuriating section?’

“Basically the other day I got a PM from a user I’ve never seen before called Revelation666, and the message was an advertisement for some supplement. Has anyone seen this user on the forums before? I sure haven’t. If you have any information that’d be great.”

Oh, right, the… the name was Revalation666. I was wondering why I had carved that into all of my victims.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: I don’t recognize the username, he must be fairly new or just inactive. What were the exact contents of the message? We could probably get an admin to ban him for advertising.”

Wait, people can get banned from places for advertising? Hot damn, somebody should tell YouTube that.

“Reedman07: Here’s a screencap of the message. [Message.jpg]”

Turns out, he accidentally showed them a clip from that one Firefly episode.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: Strange. Did you actually go to the website? I hope not, it’s probably infested with viruses. Lol”

Look, namedropping me isn’t going to help.

“B3457w4rf4r3: Just tried going there, it’s just a black screen. The invite code didn’t work either, it just gave me a popup box that said invalid IP.”

Even the names- even the made-up names for every person on this forum makes me want to hit something. It’s like this entire Pasta is some kind of story-loaf, composed out of bits and pieces of everything that pisses me off.

“Reedman07: Of course I went there. I couldn’t resist.”

Reed, ladies and gentlemen: Future winner of a Darwin Award.

Oh, this needs to become the Creepypasta home page, ASAP.

“Thuglyfe4lyfe: Doesn’t work for me either. Invalid IP. Cosmic_Trashbin: If it only works for Reedman07 maybe it’s bound to his IP somehow. Can you get some screenshots of the site? You’ve sparked my interest.”

At least somebody is interested.

“Reedman07: Here you are. The page was initially in Russian so I had my browser translate it. [Main.jpg] [Purchase.jpg] [Secret.jpg] [Credit.jpg]”

Oh, what, you’re not going to say that “oooh, it’s so haunted, it won’t even let me take screenshots”? It’s like you don’t even know that you’re supposed to be a computer based Creepypasta.

“B3457w4rf4r3: Looks shady as hell.”

That’s what I’VE been saying!

“Cosmic_Trashbin: Wow. Don’t even mess with it, you’re asking for trouble just by clicking the link. You’re probably being keylogged as we speak.”

I’m going to assume “keylog” has nothing to do with peanut butter log.

… Dammit.

“B3457w4rf4r3: Not to mention the product they’re selling is probably laced with cyanide.”

Oooh, maybe we’ll get a happy ending after all.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: If he’s stupid enough to buy it, well, the gene pool is better off without him anyways.”

Hey, look, we just found a sympathetic character.

“B3457w4rf4r3: Never trust a Russian.”

And somewhere, Ivan Drago cries a single, manly tear.

“Thuglyfe4lyfe: I’m Russian and I find that offensive.”

I find this entire Pasta offensive.

“B3457w4rf4r3: You just said you were Asian last week, make up your mind.”

… Could somebody please, in no uncertain terms, explain to me what the point is behind this ridiculous comedy routine?! Why are we still here?! Why is this dragging on?! WHY WAS THIS NEEDED?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ACCOMPLISHING?! IT’S NOT SCARY, IT’S NOT ATMOSPHERIC- 

Oh, right, I forgot that this Pasta’s entire reason in existing is to make me unhappy. Mission accomplished, then. Stay the course!

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3 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Five”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Six | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 19, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: I discovered that I am secretly made out of pure loathing, of an intensity not seen since the days of ancient […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 24, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Things happened, words were involved, and I contemplated lighting things on […]

  3. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 27, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Sleep happened, except it didn’t. Plot […]

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