Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Six

19 Feb

It suddenly occurs to me, if we added “Ligo” to this title, it could technically be the title of a porno.

[Editor’s Note: Ah, yes. Making jokes to the Greek scholar crowd, are we?]

I’m the original gangster, thanks for noticing.

internet_campfire_tales

Previously, on NecrosleepI discovered that I am secretly made out of pure loathing, of an intensity not seen since the days of ancient eldritch abominations of chaos and blood, worshiped in the whispers and shadows of great wars. And also a forum happened.

Ahem!

“Reedman07: I leave this thread for 5 minutes and chaos ensues. Everybody calm the [expletive] down. Of course I’m not going to mess with it, these supposed miracle pills are $130 each anyways. Who do you think I am, Johnny Cash?”

My god, your jokes are worse than mine. 

“Thuglyfe4lyfe: Just because his name was Johnny Cash doesn’t mean he was rich or had lots of cash or whatever.”

You can tell how this is a horror story, because… they’re talking about country music?

“B3457w4rf4r3: Of course he was rich you dumb[expletive], he’s Johnny [expletive] Cash.”

I’ll just sit around and wait for the plot to start again. No, really, don’t worry, I’ll wait.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: Who’s bright idea was it to equip this forum with a profanity filter anyways? It’s [expletive] stupid.”

Lah dee dah. Sitting around. Twiddling my thumbs. Whenever you’re ready, guys.

“Reedman07: Before this thread deteriorates any further, let me just say I’ve put tape over my webcam just in case something slipped past my antivirus, but it’s probably just a credit card scam or something. I’ll do some research on it tomorrow, the sun’s been up for three hours and I’m running low on energy drinks.”

“Deteriorates”, yeah, let’s stick with that word. Or maybe “virus”. “Scam” could work too, or maybe “low”- really, any word that denotes something bad.

“Cosmic_Trashbin: I’ll contact one of the admins about this. Spam isn’t tolerated here. I ought to see if they’re willing to uninstall the profanity filter plugin as well.”

If this “profanity filter” becomes a running gag, I swear to god, I will hate you so hard, it’ll leave a dent in the wall.

“I got a message later on from HGWishingWells (one of the admins) saying that the user Revelation666 doesn’t exist in the database, and that the only way I could’ve received the message is if the mail client was bypassed somehow.”

Maybe it got in through the sheer power of cliche?

“In other words, somebody hacked the system just to send me a spam message. What the hell. -Reed”

I think the only reason this story exists is because somebody said, “Hey, you know that Russian Sleep Experiment? Let’s write it again, only we’ll add in technical garbage! And comic relief! AND SATANISM! Genius.”

“I finally got around to Googling Necrosleep. The results were mostly irrelevant YouTube channels and defunct ’90s screamo bands from the looks of it, but I noticed among the garbage results a link to a post on FastMD.com.”

Hmm, lemme check- nope. Nope, none of those things came up. Nice try. You get the bronze metal, and a small plush zebra.

“The preview said “Does anyone know if this Necrosleep stuff actually works?” So I clicked on it, only to be directed to a page stating “The post you’re looking for has been deleted and no longer exists.” I should have known. Nothing can ever be easy and predictable.”

Except for this Pasta, right? Because I’m willing to bet writing this was easy as hell, and it is nothing if not predictable.

[Editor’s Note: You seem… ornery today.]

I NEED A HUG.

“I returned to the results, and had to scan over several pages of them before finally running into an old gaming forum thread where the website Necrosleep.net was mentioned. This time the post hadn’t been deleted. In the middle of a conversation about maximizing crop production in some medieval strategy game, one of the users claimed to have taken Necrosleep in order to tend to his virtual farm 24 hours a day.”

I was about to make a joke about how maximizing crop production is more interesting than this story, but googling “crop” linked me to 50 Shades Of Grey and now I’m sad forever.

ALL I WANTED WAS CORN.

“Needless to say, the other forum patrons were highly skeptical. The guy posted a link to Necrosleep.net in an attempt to back up his claim, ultimately failing to convince them because—you guessed it—the site was bound to his IP address.”

Not only was it bound, it was also gagged to your IP address- okay okay I’ll shut up about 50 Shades Of Grey.

“He also had the same invitation code as me (DCLXVI) leading me to believe it’s just a formality intended to make you feel special. But that doesn’t explain why and how my IP—and apparently someone else’s—got singled out.”

The phrase ‘because you’re the protagonist’ comes to mind.

“The bragger then claimed that there was irrefutable proof of his ceaseless wakefulness in his in-game score. In relation to the length of time his account has existed, his score was excessively high.”

‘I was going to take some Necrosleep, but then I got high…’

“So high, in fact, that it would be impossible for him to attain so high a score in so short a time frame, unless he was playing the game for at least 21 hours a day, which leaves practically no time for sleeping.”

Impossible! Where’s the allotted time for masturbation?!

ZERO STARS.

“Despite all that, they attributed his accomplishment to an automatic bot program that operated the game for him during the night. Since cheating in this way is against the game rules, his account was promptly banned, according to the moderator at the end of the thread. Sure enough, in little red letters below his forum avatar were the words “Banned for bot abuse, 8/12/2006.””

Oh, is that what that means? I always just figured they said that when you fucked a robot.

“I couldn’t find any more relevant results for Necrosleep or Necrosleep.net other than what I’ve just told you about. Looks like these online dope dealers are pretty stealth. I’m just dying to know what their real motives might be, ’cause I could think of a million better ways to steal someone’s credit card number or peddle quack remedies.”

Because… um. Satan? I’m going to go with Satan.

“It could be a prank, but evidently this has been going on since 2006 at least. Perhaps some jokes just never die. -Reed”

… Like the Rick Roll-

GODDAMMIT.

2 Responses to “Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Six”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Seven | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 24, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Things happened, words were involved, and I contemplated lighting things on […]

  2. Internet Campfire Tales: Necrosleep, A Creepypasta Review, Part Eight | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - February 27, 2015

    […] on Necrosleep: Sleep happened, except it didn’t. Plot […]

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