Internet Campfire Tales: Satan On The Muppet Show

22 Mar

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series that started as a Doctor Who spin-off, but then we got confused.


Yeah, yeah, I know, we still haven’t finished Necrosleep, but I’m taking a bit of a break from that story for totally legitimate reasons, and not only because I hate it so much that all I can taste is hatred and it tastes like Nutella.

Anywho, Satan On The Muppet Show, let’s roll!


“When I was a child, one of my favorite television programs was The Muppet Show.”

I really have to wonder, why are none of these “lost episodes” about shows they just, you know, sort of liked? Kind of watched on the side? Caught an episode here and there- oh no, no no no, it always has to be “mah most favorite shows ev-ar”.

“Every night, before I went to bed, I would tune into the show. I would always get so excited when my favorite character, Kermit, appeared.”

Which, considering how often Kermit appears, means you were pretty much in a constant state of orgasm.

“Right after dinner one night, I tuned in to see the green frog that always brought a smile to my face. The show started out normal, with Kermit introducing a special guest star. However, things turned a little strange when Kermit introduced the special guest ‘Satan’, and instead of the normal, happy singing, there was no sound at all.”

Oh geez, I would love to see the “Scooter gets the guest ready” sketch for an episode like that. Couldn’t be any weirder than that time the cast of Star Wars was on the show, just saying.

“Instead, the camera faded into a black and white doorway. As the camera inched closer and closer, I began to hear small bits of white noise.”

Ah, white noise, the go-to for lazy horror writers who don’t feel like going into detail about their ambient noises. All I’m saying, you had a golden opportunity to have “The Rhyming Song” as your horror story soundtrack.

“It then cut to a scene of Kermit, in front of the standard red theater curtains. There were several things out of place, however, Kermit’s head seemed warped and longer than usual.”

My god, it’s PROTO-KERMIT! You know, the older Jim Henson muppet who starred in coffee commercials, and frequently slaughtered anyone who refused to drink the coffee, up to and including threatening to shoot the audience in the face?!

“The colors he was composed of were now different, and darker. The bricks were also covered with a very bright substance, which seemed to be carelessly spattered about the wall.”

I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to assume they’re talking about blood, but I’m willing to bet it’s just Wilkins Instant Coffee.

“Kermit did not say anything. Instead, he just stared blankly at the camera, barely moving. I’m not quite sure how long the scene lasted, but to me it seemed to go on forever.”

Staring blankly? Barely moving? But enough about my love life, how’s the Pasta?

“Finally, the scene transitioned to a very dimly lit room that seemed to be someone’s attic.”

Nothing says terror like dusty storage spaces.

“The film was in black and white again, and the only source of light came from behind some boxes in the back. The room was very dirty, and had random objects scattered across the floor.”

Just dildos. Dildos, like, everywhere.

“There was a dirty, old projector toppled over in the middle of the room as well. I stared at it for a bit, until something suddenly moved behind it.”

… Wait, why a projector? The Muppet Show is a stage show.

“What I saw will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

As long as somebody is getting haunted from this crap.

“An overstretched, limbless, and filthy Kermit puppet was being slowly dragged across the floor by an unseen string.”

“Iiiiiiii’veeeeee gooooooooot noooooooooo stiiiiiiiiiiiings toooooooooooo hoooooooold meeeeeeeeee doooooooooooooown…”

“It looked lifeless, until the head began to crane towards the camera, even though no one was puppeteering it. It took ages for the poor frog’s gaze to finally reach me, but as soon as it did, the program cut to static.”

… Wait, that’s it? That’s seriously it?

“I just sat in silence, frozen by fright, and staring at the TV. To this day, I still don’t have a clue what happened that night. The Muppet Show will always be one of my favorite television shows, but it’ll never be quite the same because of that fateful night.”

Oh my. That’s… wow. I think we may have actually reached the super-critical cliche. I… the floor is spinning, I need to sit town.

So, that was Satan On The Muppet Show! How was it?

… It’s called Satan On The Muppet Show, what the fuck do you think?

It’s cliched, too short, undetailed, and boring. Although, the idea of a filthy Kermit puppet dragging itself across the floor of dark attic is a pretty interesting image! I just wish the rest of it was as interesting.

… And let’s be honest, a Wilkins Instant Coffee Commercial Creepypasta would be the scariest of all.


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