Internet Campfire Tales: The Novel, A Creepypasta Review

31 Mar

A Creepypasta about literature? Well, isn’t that a… novel idea?

internet_campfire_tales

… Man, nobody appreciates my unique comic stylings. Anyway, I think the only other book related Creepypasta we’ve done is… Jason Loves To Read- oh, wow, that’s not doing this story any favors. The Novel! Let’s dig in!

Ahem!

“”Ten years after his sucessful novel, The Missing Ones, Nick Ashburn is releasing his second book. Mr. Ashburn, thank you for you time and congratulaiton on the second novel.””

‘Thank you for you time’? And ‘congratulaiton’? I hope Mr. Ashburn had a better editor than this story does.

“”Ha ha, thank you, Rachel. And please, call me Nick.””

I wonder, does anybody ever do the opposite? ‘No, please, call me by my last name, because I loath you. Entirely. Backwards and forwards. Anyway, on to my book!’

“”Your first book, The Missing Ones, was the best seller at the time. How does it feel to release second book after ten years?””

‘How does it feel to release second book’? I think you accidentally a word there.

“”Kind of nervous, acutally. Everytime I release a book, I feel like a student getting is work reviewed my the teacher. I don’t know what will the readers say.””

Oh for fuck’s sake- ‘Getting is work reviewing my the teacher’?! I’m supposed to be the reviewer, not the fucking editor!

[Editor’s Note: Oh, does that mean it’s my time to shine?]

No. Put the ball gag back on and get in the box.

It’s not a big box, either.

“”Is this a sequel from you last book?””

Sigh. ‘Is this a sequel from you last book’? This is what happens when you let spell reign supreme, people.

“”I guess you can say that.””

You can’t say it well, but you can certainly say it.

“”Could you give us a brief synopsis of the book?””

Or, in other words, read the blurb on the back? Because every book already has that you interviewer idiot.

“”Well…””

That’s literally it. It’s all from the point of view of a well. Very moving and emotional, to boot.

“Roy sat down on the couch as Nick brought tea. “Here, have this garden-grown herbal tea I’ve made. It’ll help you be at ease” said Nick”

Yes, let me explain the entire history and backstory of the tea and why I’m giving it to you before you drink it, it was fucking vital.

“”Thank you,” said Roy. Roy tok a sip form the tea”

Oh, fuck you. Now you’re just trying to piss me off.

“”Now, let’s start this from the beginning. What you are saying is, your daughter disappeared ten years ago, and shortly after I released a novel about a girl going missing that had a lot of similarities with your girl’s case?””

Or, you know, this scene could have started at the beginning, and we wouldn’t have to summarize this at all, but this is a Creepypasta, and making sense is something that happens to other people.

“”…””

My reaction exactly.

“”And you think I wrote based off your girl?””

‘No, I thought you wrote it based off Gone Girl YES OF COURSE I THINK YOU WROTE IT BASED OFF MY GIRL.’

“”As soon as I read the first sentence, I knew. I knew that the girl in the book too much in common with my daughter. Even the apartment complex where the kidnapping happened was almost identical. Didn’t you live in the same apartment as us ten years ago?!””

Oh god, grammar errors and awkward sentence structure. I honestly can’t tell if this is worse than the terrible spelling.

“”Please, calm down. Yes, I lived there ten years ago, but today’s the first time I heard about your girl. And I’m very sorry to hear that.””

We could… you know, give her a name, but no, just calling her “girl” seems to be just peachy.

“Roy got up from the couch, now raising his voice.”

He raised it from a little eight decibel cutie.

“”Please be honest! Our family has been living in hell ever since! My wife is in depression, and I quit my job to look for her in every way possible. Then, I saw your novel, The Missing Ones.“”

Which is the most cliche title for a novel about missing people possible. Somebody needs to be fired for that one. Out of a cannon. At the sun.

“Nick slowly got up from his seat.  “It’s very common to make a movie, drama, or book about children gone missing. Do you know how many kids are going missing every year? It’s over 3000. Now, as I’ve said, I’m very sorry to hear about your daughter, but you can’t really say I wrote about her.””

OH! Oh, okay, it’s over 3000! Everyone from the census, go home! Nick figured it out!

“”B-but the girl in the book! The apartment! The family in grief! For a novel, it’s way too similar to our case! Are you perhaps the witness? Did you see her being taken away by someone?””

For fuck’s- both of these men are idiots. You deserve each other.

“”I told you, I don’t know anything. Writing a novel means being as realistic as possible. Please, this is a simple coincidence. I think you are suffering from paranoia and delusion after the loss of your daughter. I’ll recommend you a good doctor friend of mine, so why don’t you go see-“”

Woooow.

“”…Paranoia? Delusion? BULLSHIT! You wrote that book after witnessing my daughter.””

Or he kidnapped her himself? Why doesn’t that seem to occur to you?

“”P-please, calm down, this is not how-“”

It’s almost as though telling a grieving man he’s paranoid and delusional will piss him off. WHO’DA THUNK IT.

“”SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHERE IS SHE?!””

Well, if you read the book, and the book was the exact same, shouldn’t you know?

“”There’s no reason to-” Roy rushed into Nick, and pinned him against the wall. He began to choke Nick. “NO, YOU WEREN’T THE WITNESS. YOU WERE THE CULPRIT. WHERE IS MY GIRL? HUH?” “I can’t breathe… Please, it’s just a novel. And you need you get help.” “I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I’ll… I’l…”  Roy began to lose grip on Nick, until he lost consciousness.”

Ah, I always love a happy ending. Well, that was The Novel! How was i-

“Roy woke you in a daze. The first thing he noticed was he was in some sort of bathroom, and his was tied up.”

FUCK.

“”What the fuck?!””

Right there with you, pal.

“”Ah, you are awake.””

As much as I wish I wasn’t, right now.

“”Y-you…” “I honestly thought you were going to kill me. Had the drug kicked a moment too late, I would’ve ben dead,” said Nick, soothing this throat.”

Oh, I guess “ben dead” is a thousand times worse than “being dead”?

“”You drugged that tea!””

Yep, with herbal!

… And drugs too, I guess.

“”You know, I was surprised to see someone was still digging around the case that happened ten years ago.””

‘Gosh, couldn’t you grieving families just get over it?’

“”Please… if you are going to kill me, at least tell me where she is…. where’s her body?””

In a middle school science class, like most people’s.

“”Body, no. There’s no body.” said Nick with a smile”

‘Turns out, you never had a daughter! OOoooooh.’

“”Th-then she’s alive? Where is she?””

Making it big on the Hollywood hills!

“”Nah,” said Nick, now with a grin and a tongue sticking out, “I ate her. Slowly, bit by bit, finger to finger… All of her…””

And by “all of her”, you apparently mean “her fingers”.

” “Could you give us a brief synopsis of the book?””

Oh god, we’re looping! I’m not going back, man!

“”Well, it’s about the culprit from the last book discovering cannibals.””

Not cannibalism, mind, just some cannibals. Living in the walls.

“”Wow, sounds scary…””

Not even a little.

“”Yes, you’ll see once you read it. I guess you could say, It’s very realistic…..””

Are we done? Finally? Done? Oh, thank fucking god, hit the goddamn escape pods.

Not to say that The Novel has nothing going for it, mind. The idea isn’t too bad, and the formatting is pretty nice, but my god, does the terrible writing shoot this one through the head.

All in all, it’s one I’m happy to close the book on.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

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