Archive | April, 2015

Hot Time, Omegle In The City

29 Apr

Back of my neck, getting dirty and gritty… hmm? Ah yes, posting. Hello dick jokes, my old friend. Me, Omegle, and the mockery thereupon.

Ahem!

What do you think of fat girls? This mexican girl in my class is fat because her dad works as at mc donalds(lol!). Her mom is maid(also fatty) who barely speaks english. I prank called her everyday!!!

Ah. Now my hands are stuck on permanent trachea snapping mode. It will be like this for the rest of the day. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a pre-schooler to get this out of my system.

hi, any girls out there bored, curious or maybe naugthy enough to get rated?

Allow me to check my Bored, Curious, Or Maybe Naugthy Girl chart. Hmm. Nope. Fresh out.

If you raise your child correctly, they won’t become: feminist, nazi, communist, liberal, vegetarian/vegan, gay, trans*.

And here I am, being all of those things. Darn the luck.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD

AND SNACKS FOR THE SNACK GOD.

Fuck, I need some work or money.

Then, sir, it’s your lucky day! Have you ever heard of a little thing called… hired assassin? Or prostitute? Or, alternatively, both?!

I’m a guy looking for girls who will chat with me about sex while we both masturbate.

Well, as long as you’re direct about it.

reviewers have weird dreams

28 Apr

Taking today off of- well, most things, but posting in specific. Got no sleep last night, thanks to a particularly bizarre series of nightmares, in which The Babadook had two sequels, each one worse then the other, and I was forced to try and explain them to people on a bus.

This is what my life has led to.

This is what I am.

So many regrets.

From Beyond My Understanding: Banshee Chapter Review, Part One

27 Apr

Why, hello! Say, are there any H.P. Lovecraft fans in the audience?

Because if so, would you like to review this movie instead?

This is a DREADFUL sequel to Pin.

 

Look, I- I don’t have anything against H.P. Lovecraft! He seems like a talented, if tremendously racist, writer! But I’ve tried to sit down and read some of his works before, and my god, did that man need an editor. You need somebody to wade into his prose with a hedge-clipper and a fetish for cutting things before anything of reasonable size came out of the deal. Thankfully, that will hopefully not be a problem with Banshee Chapter, an 2013 adaptation of Lovecraft’s From Beyond!

… But I’m keeping my hedge-clipper nearby, just in case.

Ahem!

Our film opens with a text box, telling us about America’s old tests with mind control drugs, MK-Ultra, followed by old videos of people talking on the subject. Ah, yes, back when ugly people were allowed on TV. According to some modern footage of somebody discussing the project, each person given the drug claimed to see the same things. Presumably a Chapter- nay, even a Banshee chapter.

Our researcher guy turns out to be a friend of some lady, who talks about how he went missing, before cutting back to the past, with him taking a sample of said magical drug while his friend videotaped it. After a while of no effects, they both here some funky-ass warbling sounds (that’s the technical term), and head through the house to go investigate it. And it turns out to be… a radio. Like, a spooky radio, but still.

Eventually, the noise gets louder and louder, until something darts by the window, and everything gets all glitchy, and we get the scariest thing of all: the title. Cut back from that, and it turns out that both the guy who took the drug- his name’s James- and the guy making the film, disappeared soon after, and the lady who knew him back in college decided to investigate his disappearance. The lady, who I doubt is the Banshee- although she could be a chapter, I suppose, searched James’ house, and finds a some information about radio waves. Blues Clues would be so proud.

She heads to the local radio enthusiast for his opinion on the matter, and finds that the signal in James’ house was an old Numbers Station- creepy-ass old radio stations that broadcast numbers and letters and other incredibly useless information. To record the information, she’s told she has to head out into the desert in three in the morning with a receiver. Which I believe means that this movie is in canon with Fallout: New Vegas.

When I’m drunk, anyway.

 

She tells the radio enthusiast that she knows he used to work as a code-breaker for the CIA, which is… neat, I suppose. I’m sorry, I’ve met way too many government code-breakers to that to be impressive. (They drink a lot more than you’d expect, incidentally.) After waiting for several hours in the desert, she finally begins picking up the signal, which is more of a problem then you’d think, if only because scary voices muttering incomprehensibly over a staticy radio connection is about three levels of hell all in itself.

While she searches outside the car, she happens upon some terrifying monster- well, not exactly terrifying, more… blurry? It looks like a Silent Hill monster, only in the desert- so, a Welcome To Night Vale monster, then- look it was uncomfortable is my point gosh you asshats.

call for help, I’m stuck

26 Apr

Operation Become Slowly Enveloped In Steven Universe Until I Lose All Autonomy is progressing nicely. 

If I make a post consisting of fan art, or just straight up fan fiction, I apologize.

But not really.

“Forzare!”

25 Apr

Yet another sketch day, and yet another attempt at Dresden Files fan art! Grr, I WILL defeat you, art! 

forzare

quaffle off

24 Apr

… Why is Quidditch so… lame.

It just… makes me so sad.

I’m Not Gonna Teach Omegle How To Dance With You

23 Apr

Just one of these days, somebody is going to make an Omegle post out of making fun of me, and it’s going to blow my mind.

Ahem!

So, Honestly, what’s the naughtiest (wink wink) thing you would do if time was stopped, but you could still move?

With my freeze ray I could stop the world…

How do i stop from killing myself

Stop making nooses, for one. That seems like it would be awfully helpful.

Is it true there are no Germans in the U.S, except for Arnold Swartzeneggar and his family? Most White people in the U.S. are English.

Gosh, you’re wrong on about… every single point there. All of them. That’s kind of incredible, really. Bravo.

If Apple cares about environment then why does their desktop say “Trash” while Windows say “Recycle bin”?

Because this question is trash! BOOM! LEBRON! TWENTY POINTS!

drop down them users

LET THE USERS HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE USERS HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE USERS HI-

first gay experience

Well, if you’re offering…

I’m laying next to you, shirt off, breasts out, only panties on. What are you going to do to me?

Challenge you to a Yu Gi Oh duel, obviously.

After your death, would you rather being eaten by useful animals or being peed at by criminal, corrupt people? I’m gonna let myself rot happily. ouo

Dang, are those the only options? Where’s the They Saved Hitler’s Brain option?

Hey, that’s way more than a brain! I call fowl!

the dawn is your enemy UPDATE

22 Apr

No joke, I spent all the time I was supposed to be writing today researching that Creepypasta yesterday. Remember, the one about the commercial bump that I couldn’t find any consensus about whether or not is existed?

Well, near as I can tell, that creepy-as-fuck bump did exist! I mean, with a lot less screaming, but still! That’s kind of terrifyingly rad. Although, quite frankly, it would have been way scarier if it was about this commercial bump:

Internet Campfire Tales: The Dawn Is Your Enemy, A Creepypasta Review

21 Apr

Any Cartoon Network fans in the audience? Well, if not, I’m going to have to go hunting you people down with a net, because without you guys, this one really doesn’t make any sense.

internet_campfire_tales

Yes, welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, to yet another Lost Episode tale! But with this one, The Dawn Is Your Enemy, we’re taking that term a bit loosely, as it’s a… Lost Commercial Bumper. Look, don’t ask.

Ahem!

“Trying to look up background info on the bump, so I guess I will polish it later.”

Oh, well, that’s a good fucking sign, when your Pasta admits that it’s only half-done.

“You guys all know that Adult Swim sign-off bumper “THE DAWN IS YOUR ENEMY”? There’s a reason they don’t show it anymore.”

Because the vampires started complaining?

“The last day the bump was used as a sign-off, instead of a normal running time of (estimated) nine seconds, it ran for an extended period of time until the automated services were overtaken by manual operation.”

And because a pizza delivery boy spilled beer on the machines, cutting the signal off, irritating the Omicronians.

“We all know the sound that shook our childhoods (or teen years). The resonating metal, the rumbles, the sound of metal scraping against metal. Feel free to look it up if you’re a bit rusty.”

Um. About that. I… I… okay, never mind, I’ll tell you later. I’ll save that as a treat for the end.

“Now, when the audio cut, it doesn’t sound complete, it’s not finished, not over. The producers of AS/CN were purposely cutting off the rest of the sound, and for good reason.”

The rest of it was Turn Down For What, wasn’t it.

“The rest that followed was the exact reason why you’ll never see this bumper again on the air.”

Bumper?! I just met ‘er!

… Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the first joke I wrote for this review.

“Once again, it’s supposedly only run for about nine seconds, and this is a rough transcript of the usual audio: Resonating metal, followed by a rumble, followed by scraping metal, and other rumble. End bumper.”

Gosh, you’re a poet.

“So what could you put together with that? Nothing rings a bell, right?

Well, I-

“Exactly.”

Hey, I never answered! That’s entrapment!

“This part that they used is utilized effectively to scare off children that have still tuned in to Adult Swim. It even gives adults goose bumps because it’s that good. It’s closely rivaled with the hammer clinks in the “William Street” production card in nightmare fuel.”

Oh, please. William Street can’t be that scary-

Welp. Time to call up my nightmares, tell them to find something else to do for the next months, seeing as I’m never sleeping again.

“Getting back on topic, usually a Cartoon Network employee would enter the control room left by an Adult Swim crew member and take over for a day. It wasn’t quite the case that day, however.”

Presumably because the Cartoon Network and Adult Swim guys had both fallen madly in love, and were screwing in the production booth.

“The usual man schedule to cue the sign-on and such programming for CN for some reason did not start up the day schedule. No one knows if he did this purposely, and whether or not his contract was terminated.”

Just bangin’ away. Right there on the floor. It was pretty hot, too.

“This was the least of problems CN had at the time. What followed the common nine-seconds was an extended two-minute broadcast of some of the most horrifying audio ever heard on public television.”

Yeah, that’s because they accidentally left the mic on.

“The metal continued to resonate, and the scraping continued. Slowly, an uncontrollable sobbing came clearer. Not one person was crying, but a multitude of people were screaming and yelling.”

But on the bright side, it’s not Ben 10.

“As the metal scraped, the screaming grew louder. Soon, you could hear the slicing of flesh, the grinding of bones, the gushing of blood, and the guttural death rattles of people dying.”

The controversial season finale to Harvey Birdman continues.

“All across the United States, millions of children and adults were being exposed to what sounded like a barbaric mass murder. People were calling in all across the country, crying or screaming or begging for it to be turned off. Something kept their eyes attached to the screen and kept them listening to the broadcast.”

The same cannot be said for the poor people who watch the Annoying Orange series.

“People assume the control room was finally gotten into, and the bump was shut down, ending a traumatic experience no one could undoubtedly forget. In the last few moments as the resonating metal grew into an unbearable volume, the channel showed the peeking sun winking at the viewer, and the channel cut to Bars and Tones.”

Annnnnnnd I’m out of Cartoon Network jokes. Um. Any chance some Teletoon humour will work?

“How was Cartoon Network going to cover this up? No one knows their exact tactic to this day. Multiple theories have been thought of, ranging from a pre-emptive “cease and desist” to possible news articles to subliminal viewer hypnosis over the following weeks.”

Oh, yes, that’s the obvious answer. “Sir, we broadcast something strange-” “MIND CONTROL DANG IT.”

“While all public evidence does not officially exist, Cartoon Network officials do acknowledge a hijacking of the channel’s frequency on the day but go into no further detail. All late morning bumps, including TDIYE, were replaced with the corresponding ones from the 1:30 AM timeslot. Word is, however, that somewhere hidden in an onion site (accessible only via Tor) is a recording of the bump played that morning.”

I should go and find that cli- wait! I seem to have stopped caring!

“The question asked the most among the few who remember this is how Cartoon Network got the audio in the first place.”

Aliens, Satan, or audio-remixer Jesus. Take your pick.

So, that was The Dawn Is Your Enemy! How was it?

Well, that depends entirely on whether or not it’s real.

No, seriously. Not the whole demony part, obviously, but was there ever really a commercial bumper like this? I’ve found a version of it posted saying that they made it themselves, and the whole story is fake. Annnnnnd then the comment section is filled with people remincsing about it. Hell- I found another one, with a whole different crowd remembering it, and nobody saying it’s fake! I’ve found Cartoon Network forums saying it’s fake, but I’ve also found commercial bumper forums talking about it with complete sincerity!

Well, no matter the truth, I think we can agree on this much: That video is creepy as fuck.

and steven

20 Apr

I

I did a bad thing

I started marathoning Steven Universe

I didn’t know

I didn’t know it was the best

I HAVE FEELINGS AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE AND I WANT TO FEEL ALL OF THEM.