Internet Campfire Tales: Holder Of Absence, A Creepypasta Review

5 Apr

Oh, wow, this is going to be fun to explain. So, um, a while back, I reviewed something called The Holder Of The Script. It was some confusing little Creepypasta about how if you go to a halfway house and ask to see the “holder”, you get taken to some magical space and have to perform some stupid little song and dance, and then you get an object to do… something.

It’s confusing. Did I mention it’s confusing? And at the time, I thought that was all there was to it. But, as it turns out, there is more than one Holder story.

Closer in the neighborhood of… oh, you know, round the decimal, carry the one- TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING THREE.

*pinch nose between forefingers*

internet_campfire_tales

So! Better get started! Holder Of Absence, roll it. Which is, incidentally, the very first Holder story, alphabetically speaking. And every single Holder story in the “Holder” section is labelled under “H”, because the people who run the Creepypasta wiki are running on an amount of alcohol to get the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey tanked.

Ahem!

“In any city, in any country, go to any mental institution or halfway house you can get yourself to.”

Wait, wait, this is the first line from the other Holder story? Oooh, does that mean I can just repeat my first joke too?

“Wait, a “halfway house”? You mean those places where convicted criminals go to allow them a chance to begin to reintegrate into society? That’s completely fucking ridicul- actually, on second thought, crossing over convicted criminals and Creepypastas sounds awesome. I wanna see Jeff the Killer getting his ass kicked by a gang of skinheads, or Eyeless Jack having to pull a shank out of his socket, or what happens when Slendy drops the soap.”

… My god, is that seriously how I wrote back then? Past me was a dick.

“When you reach the front desk, ask to visit someone who calls himself “The Holder of Absence.””

Why are these Holders all guys? It was like that in the other one too. Are… are you not allowed to hold things if you have a vagina?

“Should the person at the front desk try to convince you that the person you wish to visit is no longer there, ask to visit their cell nonetheless.”

Halfway houses don’t have cells. At least, I don’t think they do. Hrmph. Be right back, going to dissect one and find that out.

“At this point, the receptionist shall show a look that can only be defined as emotionless.”

Vulcans make the best receptionists.

Live long, and don’t forget your keycard.

“The receptionist will lead you down a long wall with many doors on either side until you reach an iron door with one barred window on it. They will open the door for you but lead you no further. Beyond the door is darkness, nothing more.”

Oh man, best prank ever, bring a coffee table in there, so the next person after you bangs their shins in the dark.

“As you step into the darkness, the door will slam shut behind you.”

Never mind, that’s a way better prank.

“You are now trapped and the only way to go is forward. You will not be able to see the ground, the roof, or the walls.”

‘I brought a flashlight, dude.’

‘NO THAT’S CHEATING.’

“Be aware, you may be walking for a very long time, possibly days.”

So I should bring a segway. Got it.

“As you walk, you will begin to feel cold and empty inside. You will feel as if your soul has left your body as a shell.”

Because everybody knows how that fucking feels like.

“In time you may hear footsteps that echo loudly. Stop immediately and wait. If the footsteps do not stop, you must sit down and wait until they do.”

Tripping them is cheating.

“If they begin to grow even louder, then you will surely perish by an unimaginable horror.”

I don’t know, I can imagine quite a bit.

“If the footsteps do stop, you must press forward until you reach another iron door, illuminated by a light behind it. Open it and step inside.”

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’

“Inside will be a pitch black room.”

Which is so fucking different from everything else so far.

“Only a small circle of light upon the floor can be seen, lit by a small candle. Behind the light will be a chair with a coat on it.”

Wait, A COAT?! TOTALLY WORTH IT.

“Approach the chair but do not sit in it, no matter how long you have been walking. Wait until the candle burns out. When it does, reach out and take the coat.”

‘And ignore all the cat hair on it.’

“The next time you blink, you will find yourself in front of the desk in the mental institution or halfway house.”

With thirteen experience points!

“Reach into the right inside breast pocket of the coat and pull out a singed sheet of paper with red ink. Do not read this ink or the Holder of Absence will become present and destroy you with unthinkable pain and anguish.”

Dang, first unimaginable, now unthinkable? This story doesn’t have much faith in my ability to think unpleasant things.

“This paper is Object 39 of 538. Keep him absent. Keep them from coming all together.”

Oh god- this wasn’t the first one either?! Goddammit, which one is the first one?! WHICH ONE DO I SHOOT?!

… Um. Anyway. That was Holder Of Absence! How was it?

Lemme think, what did I say last time?

“… What the assbutt did I just read?!”

Yeah, that sums it up.

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