Evidence With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight? Evidence Review, Part One

11 Apr

Ah, my kingdom to make a found footage film. They seem terribly simple. First of all, make it take place in the woods. Secondly, force somebody to have sex. And thirdly, keep drinking until you’re convinced that it’s a good idea.

“Keep the camera rolling”, because otherwise, we’re all out of jobs.

This 2011 found footage film is notable in… absolutely no regards. Why am I reviewing it? Haven’t the foggiest. Perhaps it’s because I can only get turned on by shaky-cam. It’s a bizarre fetish and doesn’t make even the slightest sense in context to android sexuality, but I just work with what I’ve got.

Ahem!

The film opens with an establishing shot- and you’ve broken the found footage conceit entirely in the first two seconds. Bra-fucking-vo. Anyway, it’s an establishing shot of some sun-soaked American city that they just naturally expect everybody to know on sight. California, I’d assume, from the near lethal amounts of pretentious white people.

Eventually, we start filming from an actual camera, and we start getting introduced to our characters. Two guys, two girls- all of them white, of course, because this movie apparently decided to take my joke about white people and fucking run with it. And of course, when the filming protagonist starts filming his girlfriend, the first thing she does is flash her bare breasts to the camera. Because found footage has forgotten that most of the population of earth utterly loathes being filmed.

(Or is that just Canadians?)

Anyway, the four pick up an RV for their camping trip, and head off to their campsite. Well, I’ll give Evidence this much, it doesn’t take them fifty minutes to get out of their car, which puts it leagues ahead of Crowsnest, and oh god, how the hell does anyone remember Crowsnest?!

Spoiler alert: Doesn’t actually have any crows.

So, they hike a while away from their RV, filled with flowers, whining, a dead fish in the middle of the path (… wait, what?), and one of the girls shaking her ass to the camera. Realism. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly all right! After all, that night, when they set camp, the two girls make-out on camera! Perfectly normal!

*slowly pours vodka into cup*

Afterwards, the camera-man tries to scare the group by dressing up as an alien gorilla- and no, not the Ro-Man, I checked. And after that fails, they begin to hear something… howling- no, wait, not that’s the wrong word. Moving? Hissing? Screaming? Lurking. Definitely lurking. Anyway, that of course results in nothing, and we cut to the next morning.

Five minutes of faffing about later, which I shall mercifully spare you the details of, the group walks up the tallest ridge in the area, and look around. All that the light touches, is found footage. And that shadowy area? Well, that’s… something. As they watch, they spy what appears to be a bush, until it moves, loping away into the forest, like some manner of great ape.

(Warning: Ape may be more substandard than previously indicated.)

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2 Responses to “Evidence With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight? Evidence Review, Part One”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. If You Go Down To Found Footage Today: Evidence Review, Part Two | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 12, 2015

    […] Previously, on Evidence: There was evidence of things. Other than that, I’m afraid I really can’t attest to anything. […]

  2. You’re In For A Big Surprise: Evidence Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 14, 2015

    […] Previously, on Evidence: Well, we have one meatshield down, three to go. Come on, Ghost-rilla, pick up the pace. Or just aim for the camera, and end it all quickly. […]

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