If You Go Down To Found Footage Today: Evidence Review, Part Two

12 Apr

Just warning everyone, if this really does turn out to be some variety of magic ghost gorilla, they shall never find the bodies. Of anyone. Ever again. I shall steal them all. Everywhere. You’re not getting them back.

“I’m not toooooouching youuuuu…”

Previously, on Evidence: There was evidence of things. Other than that, I’m afraid I really can’t attest to anything.

… Well, if you insist. Four California human-y types headed off to go camping, while our camera-man proceeded to infuriate everyone by begging them to pretend this is a documentary. And then, they spotted some bizarre creature in the distance who proceeded to lope away like a gorilla. Which lends a certain credence to the “documentary” angle, I suppose. I’m sure Richard Attenborough released gorillas to kill campers all the time. It gets dreadfully boring being the Beastmaster.

Ahem!

While the rest of the group proceeds to react with fear and worry over their close encounter of the Hominidae kind, our camera-man proceeds to force everybody to explain their personal feelings on camera, which bums everyone out even more. There’s yelling, hating, hurt feelings, gossiping, and they proceed to… stay there. For the night. Because… they’re stuck there? Why wouldn’t they simply leave if they’re feeling uncomfortable- oh, I forgot, we wouldn’t have a movie then. Forget I said anything.

Eventually, the camera-man gets the party pepped up again, with copious amounts of Jack Daniels, which is clearly magical, as the bottle has the exact same amount in every shot. And when one of them falls asleep before the others, they draw dicks on her face. I’ll give this movie one thing, it neatly sums up the feeling of being the only sober one at the party. Stupid android liver.

And before you know it, the Ghost-rilla starts screaming through the darkened forest, scaring everyone to bits. They try to stay up the night, before getting spooked by a random man walking into their camp, who proceeds to ask if they’ve seen a dog, drink from his flask, carry a gun, and stoke up their fire. I’d say that in a way that makes sense, but you don’t speak crazy. Or French, but that’s unrelated.

Eventually, the guy, who looks like the mountain man love-child of Ethan Hawke and Tom Cruise, wanders off back into the night. And afterwards, as the group tries to get their sleep, something starts shaking one of the tents. Which I believe elevates the Ghost-rilla to Blair Witch-rilla.

The camera-man heads off into the forest to see if he can find it, but instead finds carvings in the trees.

“WHAT IS THAT”

“DO YOU HEAR THAT”

“LISTEN”

Sorry, Ghost-rilla, but that’s a terrible haiku.

While two of the group sleep, the camera-man and his girlfriend stay up by the campfire. They set up the camera on the tripod, but a few minutes later, the Ghost-rilla lets out another trademark scream, and… knocks the camera over. So, the only person in this film with an aversion to being recorded is the monster? Makes sense, the camera adds ten victims.

The camera-man runs off to go find it, and the rest of the group decides to go find the RV. Yes, they completely abandon him, but in their defense, he’s a terribly written character. As the Ghost-rilla, still unseen, chases them down, they somehow manage to find the RV. In the dark. Which makes sense, of course, because it’s not as if the wilderness is terribly hard to navigate in the dark. Oh. Wait. You idiots.

Eventually, the camera-man also manages to find his way back to the RV, and they debate whether or not they should leave. They decide… to wait till the next morning wait what. Oh, yes, because when an unknown creature is literally trying to break down the walls of your only haven not even ten minutes ago, the best course of action is just to relax. That makes complete and utter sense. Hah hah hah.

The next morning, they discover that one of their numbers- the boy who isn’t the obnoxious camera-man- is missing. Cue the girls worrying about him, while the camera-man obnoxiously insults them for it, because this is a movie who is deliberately trying to make me want to strangle this fucker in his sleep.

“Thirty minutes, and nobody has talked to me? Really, guys.”

Oh, and if only that could have been in real time. Thirty minutes of nothing but scenic hiking while everybody tells you to shut the fuck up? Bliss.

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One Response to “If You Go Down To Found Footage Today: Evidence Review, Part Two”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. You’re In For A Big Surprise: Evidence Review, Part Three | A VERY STRANGE PLACE - April 14, 2015

    […] on Evidence: Well, we have one meatshield down, three to go. Come on, Ghost-rilla, pick up the pace. Or just […]

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