You’re In For A Big Surprise: Evidence Review, Part Three

14 Apr

I am about ninety percent convinced that the camera-man character has been replaced by the monster. Partially to justify how annoying he is, partially because it would explain how he found his way back to camp after the Ghost-rilla chased him off, and partially to justify my title.

My budget doesn’t cover “including more than one variety of poster in every post”.

Previously, on Evidence: Well, we have one meatshield down, three to go. Come on, Ghost-rilla, pick up the pace. Or just aim for the camera, and end it all quickly.

(Oh, that’s a cheery line to end the “previously” on. ‘End it all quickly.’ Spot on, truly spot on.)

Ahem!

Everybody hates the camera-man- probably should have mentioned that in the previously-on segment- and he decides to rectify this by insulting the two women and screaming like a maniac. Which is, in a perfect movie, when they’d smash a rock through his skull and leave. But oh, there goes me and my wet dreams again.

Camera continues insisting that the missing guy is just fine, and drags the girls back to the RV, only to find a tree shoved through its engines. Fuck, you guys must have pissed off Man Of Steel. Camera starts freaking out a bit, and by “a bit”, I mean “threatening to murder the girls with the camera and storming out to go find whoever is doing this”. Well, whatever will lead to your inevitable death faster, sir.

He storms into the woods, and follows the sound of the Ghost-rilla’s screams, until he eventually finds his friend’s remains. Well. A foot. And a backpack. So- closed casket, is the point. Camera finally realizes that things have gotten serious, and he heads back to the RV. And they don’t bring up his little psychotic episode at all, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure he was more threatening then the monster ever was.

If it turns out not to be a gorilla, I’m going to be be so embarrassed. But not enough to come back here and change it.

Camera hands the girls the camera- well, now what am I supposed to call him- and heads off to get help. And by “help”, I mean “eaten”. Leaving the girls as the holders of the narrative- by which I mean camera. And eventually, the Ghost-rilla attacks, and we finally get a good look at it. Relatively. It’s still blurry and poorly lit, but it’s gone from vague shape on the horizon, to vague shape right up in our face. Victory for visibility!

The Rake Wrapped In Old Carpet- okay, Ghost-rilla is catchier. Either way, it eventually chases the two girls out of the RV and into the darkened and unprotected forest, because they brain smartly. And they, as before, just happen to wander into the remains of a friend: Camera, disemboweled.

That makes me happy.

The two run into the dark and blurry woods, and after an unfortold amount of time, they wind up in some kind of bordered in area, only for the lights to suddenly flare on, and a calm voice over the intercom informing them that they’ve just entered a restricted area. The Ghost-rilla runs in, sirens start flaring, and the military rush out and begin opening fire!

… On the girls, not the Ghost-rilla. Not that it matters, they don’t hit anything anyway.

Cue more running, and the two end up in… a stable. Right next to a military base. Unless you were trying to teach the monster to go horseback riding, you can officially fuck off. And cue more running. The Benny Hill theme is just begging to get dubbed over this movie.

Next up on their list of “random places that all happen to be right fucking next to each other”, they go under a bridge, and into a huge rickity cabin. And this one comes complete with a static-y TV that blares indescribable nonsense. A series of convenient jump scares later, they end up locked in the basement, with “OUR GREATEST FEAR IS ONE’S SELF” painted on the wall. Well, actually, our greatest fear is fear itself, but thanks for playing.

They tear open a panel in the wall, and find themselves in… what appears to be a massive building, lined with identical rooms like the one they just got out of, and filled with crazy people. And then a car drives by, guns down the lunatics, and proceeds to pick up the girls and lead them out of a massive underground facility utterly filled with lunatics and zombies and Ghost-rillas and WHAT THE UNGODLY HELL IS EVEN HAPPENING ANY MORE.

When the car crashes, their savior, a gruff military type with a gun, leads them deeper through the facility, passed bodies and bodies, until they find another survivor. Is… is this a zombie movie all of a sudden? Or a Resident Evil sequel! Or… or…

THIS IS CABIN IN THE WOODS, ISN’T IT?!

THIS IS LIKE A SUBTLE VERSION OF CABIN IN THE WOODS, ISN’T IT?!

They find their way into an autopsy room, coated in blood, with some inhuman body strapped down to the table, and the military guy bemoaning that they “got this far”, before the rest of the… monsters is the species neutral term, I suppose, begin attacking again.

And once they make it to yet another open area, before yet more Ghost-rillas attack, and yet more military types show up to get slaughtered- seriously, did this become Left 4 Dead or something? Like, a really weird version of Left 4 Dead? They’re even talking about having to make it to the evac. All I’m saying is, if a Spitter shows up, it’s no one’s fault but my own.

During the escape, one of the girls gets shot through the head and the survivor they just picked up gets grenaded, but the last one makes it top side, and manages to make it to the evac. And cue credits, intermixed with actual plot footage, so I have to watch it to make sure I don’t miss anything. Jerks.

So, that was Evidence! How was it?

Um. Surprisingly great.

No, really, I was… not expecting that to be good. Well written, well shot, well acted, nice twist at the end- and hell, we even got to see the annoying character disemboweled! And who doesn’t love that!

(That’s a rhetorical question. You love it. Don’t talk. No questions. Only organs.)

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