Internet Campfire Tales: The Enigma Of The Deathbringer, A Creepypasta Review

2 Jun

Aww, truth be told, I have a bit of a soft spot for Enigma Of The Deathbringer. Oh, YOU. Get over here, you genocidal sweetheart. All in one place, at last!

… There is no way that’s a real title. No. Fuck you.

internet_campfire_tales

Wait, seriously? The creepypasta we’re reading today is called “The Enigma Of The Deathbringer”? I feel there’s a practical joke being played somewhere here, and I have the sneaking suspicion that it’s being played on me.

Ahem!

“The first piece of film ever created was made in the year of 1877.”

Well, actually, most scholars place the creation of the first piece of film in 1890. What did happen in 1877 was the creation of the Praxinoscope, a way of generating animation by means of pictures viewed through rapidly rotating mirrors, similar to the Zoetrope, it’s most obviously precursor.

*puts on film nerd glasses*

 

“This film was under the title of “TEST,” we found it in a warehouse that belonged to my best friend’s long dead grandfather.”

And you didn’t immediately sell this obvious evidence of time travelers? Well, that’s just unrealistic.

“As the title says, this was simply a test film and nothing more. Or that is what the title would lead you on to believe.”

‘In actuality, it was a copy of Space Jam.

“Back in those days, a recording could only go on for less than a minute.”

Back in “those days”, “film” was just a rapidly spinning mirror and drawings of dicks.

“Anyone going into this wouldn’t expect much.”

Anyone going into this wouldn’t be expecting film to exist, so I’d say they’re already getting their money’s worth.

“Surprise, it wasn’t much at first. This film was like all early films, black, white, and soundless. Also, incredibly dull. It was thirty-five seconds long, and consisted of a man wearing a black suit walking on an empty sidewalk and a large crowd of people on the sidewalk opposite of him.”

Eh, still sounds better than 1313.

“It was nothing special, and again, it was only a test. But one thing was very strange about this film.”

Oh, that reminds me, I should go copyright “A Very Strange Film” for when I come out with my big budget release.

“After viewing it ten times in one sitting, we started to notice the small changes that would occur every time we watched it.”

No no, stop, rewind- you watched the “incredibly dull” thing ten times in one sitting? Why, was the TV test pattern too intellectually stimulating for you?

For when static gets too intimidating.

“Sometimes a man sitting down on a bench would be slightly moved over to the right or left. Sometimes a woman wearing what looked to be a light gray dress would then be wearing a dark gray dress. It was just small, almost unnoticeable changes.”

With such an eye for noticing completely pointless flaws in film? You sound like you have a bright career in reviewing, sir/ma’am/non-binary peep.

“This was fascinating to the few that watched this film, myself included. This was also completely impossible, but somehow it was happening.”

I know I was harping on the “film wasn’t invented yet” thing, but let’s be honest: If this was one of the old animation machines that predated film, this would be way cooler.

“The small group and I continued to watch for about ten minutes, the changes became bigger, more noticeable, more terrifying.”

I’ll take your word for it.

“One time, it was a minor car accident and the two drivers came out yelling at each other, nothing too bad. “

You know, the newest Grand Theft Auto game isn’t as good as everyone says it is.

“Another time, it was a couple arguing. Then we got twenty minutes in and things changed drastically. “

All of a sudden, my TV became a duck.

“Sometimes the crowd of people walking would change into a crowd of people fighting.”

The shocking true story behind “Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting”.

“Brutally assaulting each other using blades, blunt weapons, and sometimes guns.”

I don’t think it’s haunted, I’m pretty sure you just have a grainy copy of The Purge. Not that that’s less evil, mind.

“Sometimes the crowd would be replaced by a pile of bloody, sometimes dismembered, bodies. Things just got worse and worse from there.”

Well, that’s not a very flattering description of your own Creepypasta.

“A man slamming a baby repeatedly on the pavement, a woman gutting a man while a child shoved her own thumbs into her very own eyes, a man in a wheelchair set on fire and pushed down the street between the two sidewalks. “

Huh. Say, do you know about those “Ebonics” translators? Turns written text into stereotypical blaxsploitation dialogue? I’m suddenly very curious about what’ll happen if I run a Creepypasta through one of those.

“uh n***a slamming uh baby repeatedly on da pavement, uh beotch gutting uh n***a while uh child shoved her own thumbs into her very own peeps, uh n***a in uh wheelchair set on fire an’ pushed down da street between da two sidewalks all ye damn hood ratz.”

… Well, everything got a lot less scary all of a sudden.

“Horrible, awful things happened, and they just got progressively worse and worse.”

And presumably more peeps were involved.

“After about thirty-five minutes, we all started hearing sound coming from the film. This was also impossible, every film made back then was incapable of having sound.”

Okay, I hate to keep harping on this- that’s a lie, I love to keep harping on this- but films made back then were mirrors that spun around over and over again!

“This made things so much worse, it’s one thing to just watch people die, but having to hear their cries and screams and such makes it so much harder to bear.”

‘We considered turning it off, but… you know, the remote was all the way over there.’

‘And turning it off just seemed rude.’

“We could now hear the sound of knives cutting through the flesh of the victims, the screams of children as they are tortured, the sounds of explosions coming from off-screen.”

… Okay, more ebonics!

“Yo we’s could now hear da sound o’ knives cutting through da flesh o’ da victims, da screams o’ chil’ns as dey is tortured, da sounds o’ explosions coming from off-screen Don’ make me come ova there bitch…”

Oh, that will never get old.

“Eventually, the building behind the sidewalk opposite of the lone man walking had disappeared completely and showed off two towers side by side. The twin towers.”

… Wait, WHAT?!

“We all knew what was coming next. The first plane hit, next play, the second plane hits, next play, people are jumping off the building and hitting the ground, making horrible sounds. This film was made in 1877, there should be no possible way for this to be happening.”

If you can listen very carefully, you can hear the author desperately tossing tragedies at us, praying desperately that at least one of them will be scary.

“It showed off multiple other tragedies, the Columbine shooting, V-tech, that Colorado theater shooting, public executions by the Nazis, and many more.”

And none of them are working. Not even a little. I mean- you had to Godwin’s Law this whole thing, for god’s sake.

“That’s when I noticed one thing hadn’t changed this whole time. The man in the black suit walking on the sidewalk hadn’t changed once at all. His movements, suit, face, hair, hair color, skin color, height, everything remained the exact same.”

‘And that’s when I knew… he was my soul mate.’

“The sidewalk, as well, never changed. This is when I gave him the moniker, the “Deathbringer.””

And that’s when you stopped, realized how fucking stupid that name is, and came up with a better name, right?

“Eventually, I started to feel physically and mentally sick. I felt like I was going to vomit, I felt tired, ridiculously hungry, insane, dizzy, cold, I felt like I was dying.”

Then stop watching it. Why do Creepypasta protagonists have some bizarre fixation with smashing their heads against a problem until they awaken Yog Sothoth, to horribly mangle a metaphor?

“I passed out on around sixty minutes of viewing.”

SIXTY MINUTES?! And you never once decided that continuing to watch this was perhaps not the wisest idea?!

GLaDOS, honey, if you may?

Thank you.

“I woke up hours later. Apparently, the others had passed out as well. We were all bleeding from our nose, and mouth. We looked up and saw one last play on the projector, it was the Deathbringer walking on the side walk outside of the building we were watching the film in.”

I’m going to presume you mean “moonwalking”, it’d make him at least a little interesting.

“When he reached the end of the street this time, he started turning his head to the building. And then the projector died.”

You were projecting a Praxinoscope? That’s impressive.

“Since then, we have had the film taken from us by what I assume to be F.B.I. or C.I.A. people or something like that.”

‘Man, who are these SCP guys, and what do they want with this thing?’

“We were told not to say anything, but as you can see, that didn’t stop me from talking. Not like anyone is going to believe me. That’s why those guys aren’t even keeping an eye on me.”

Yeah, that’s… that’s totally what shadowy government organizations do. Absolutely. Dude, I’m pretty sure every object in your room right about now is actually a sniper.

“Well, at least I hope not. Anyway, we were then taken to a hospital to be checked out. Surprisingly, we had nothing wrong with us physically, but mentally was the complete opposite of okay.”

You DO seem fairly stupid, so I’ll give you that much.

“Since then, my memories of that night have become very blurry. Initially, I started writing this as an attempt to remember more from the incident, but as I continued to write, I found out that I really don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember a goddamn thing.”

Neither do I; can we wrap this up?

“I have nightmares every night of horrible, awful things now. Something like that film would have shown. It’s been that way for the past year and I’ve had it.”

I will take that as a no.

“As for my friends that were in that group, I haven’t heard anything from them and they’ve since been reported missing. Apparently this happened over a time span of one year, but I didn’t even know until I attempted to reach one of them through their family.”

Nah, that’s what normally happens when somebody gets wrapped up in a new game. Dragon Age: Inquisition, amirite?

“I didn’t keep in contact with them, I didn’t really want to. If I had talked to them, that would only result in my memories of that awful night becoming even clearer. To be honest, I was relieved to hear that they were missing.”

‘I owed them a LOT of money.’

“Since they are gone my memories of that night will be forever obscured. I guess I knew that I really didn’t want to remember that night subconsciously. I see no reason to keep on going like this.”

And yet, you’re still writing! Funny how that works.

“Ever since that day, I stopped going outside less and less, I am now starving, but I can’t build up the courage to go out. Why? Because sometimes at night, when I look outside, I swear that I see a man in a black suit walking on the sidewalk opposite of my house.”

Okay, one more time.

“Yo Ever since dat day, ah stopped going outside less an’ less, ah be now starving, but ah can’t build up da courage ta go out. Why? cuz sometimes at night, when ah peep outside, ah swear dat ah see uh n***a in uh black suit walking on da sidewalk opposite o’ muh motha fuckin crib just like mammy.”

Seriously, I’m onto something here. I’m going to have to try that with The Shining later. Anyway, that was The Enigma Of The Deathbringer! How was it?

… THAT FUCKING TITLE- not very good.

I feel bad, because it was very well written! Whoever did this definitely has all the mechanics down, buuuuut there’s no emotional connection, the facts are screwed up, it’s blatant with it’s use of tragedies, and the ending is just so cliche!

But really, with that title? It could have been a hell of a lot worse.

I wonder…

“Yo da Enigma o’ da Deathbringer , wOrd!”

Why am I even surprised.

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