Internet Campfire Tales: Cupcakes, A Creepypasta Review

4 Jun

And exam week is just about over! Which means we’re just about out of ‘putting together multiple part posts into a single one’ filler! Aww, I was having fun. Anyway, Cupcakes! Torture porn! With ponies! Torture ponies! My Little Torture!

Wait, wait, wait, there’s a NSFW section of Creepypasta?! And I haven’t been reading them the entire time?! Fucking witchcraft, Horatio!

[Editor’s Note: … Who’s Horatio?]

Don’t vex me, Frank.

internet_campfire_tales

And bless my lucky freaking stars, because it’s Cupcakes! A fanfic that is supposedly one of the dark and grittiest ones out there, and has picked up quite a bit of buzz for all the general fucked-upedness, and ball-throbbing terror. And according to the foreword, this is the original version! And it’s uploaded on Creepypasta, so it counts even though it’s a fan fiction hah hah hah eat my ass pedants.

Ahem!

“The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day.”

Oh, right, I forgot to mention what this was a fan fiction of.

You get three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

“The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be.”

Pony peasants were crushed underfoot, by the heel of a tyrannical queen!

“All, except Rainbow Dash. Her place was in the sky. She freely tore through the air, speeding one way and the next. She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind.”

The wind is picking up speed! It’s going to be a close finish- oh, oh god! The wind broke 200 kilometers per hour! A tornado has broken out in town square! Oh god, the loss of life is tremendous!

“The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children. Climbing several hundred feet, she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.”

As opposed to “emotionally dead inside”, like everybody else in Ponyville.

“Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. She’d gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.”

Oh, don’t worry, I’d find an excuse to stay away from the Pink Abomination too, even if it involved my own leg and a hack saw.

“Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. She didn’t say why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.”

It could be anything, but it’s definitely going to stick with “fucking annoying”.

And yes, I will STILL force you look at pony porn! Choke on it! CHOKE ON IT YOU BASTARDS!

“She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying. But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them.”

Please be a suicide pact, please be a suicide pact, please be a suicide pact…

“She considered it and thought “why not.” What did she have to lose? Heck, it might be more pranking. Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks. They’d so much fun the last time. Dash kicked it into overdrive, mostly to make for lost time, and sped to her appointment.”

She broke the speed limit, and was arrested after racial slurs against the giraffe police officer.

“When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement. “Yay, you’re here, you’re here. I’ve been waiting allll day.” Said the jumping pony.”

‘You can tell how excited I am by my complete refusal to use exclamation points. Yay. Woot. Huzzah.’

““Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time.” Dash apologized.”

Well, either that, or Rainbow Goth hit 88 miles per hour and traveled back to the future.

“Pinkie giggled and responded, her tone gleefully reassuring, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes. I’ve been sooooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breath I’ve been so happy.””

Seriously, did an exclamation point kill your puppy? Refuse to use a coaster? Made a shockingly slip-shoddy sequel to a movie that wasn’t that memorable to begin with?

Oh, that reminds me, I need to go see Woman In Black 2 tomorrow.

“Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She always appreciated Pinkie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but her overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. Dash was polite, however. If Pinkie was got this worked up, then it must good; whatever it was.”

Hmm. Five bucks says she’s crossing over with the weirdest fictional choices at possible, like, oh fuck it, I dunno. 2001: A Pony Odyssey? Aliens Versus Ponyator? Oh god, I know, I totally fucking know, Portal!

That’s not a real thing, right?

Right?

What’s with the weird silence-

OH YOU SONS OF BITCHES-

““So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything all ready.” The pink one said.”

See, I’m not the only one who refuses to use the Pink Abomination’s name!

“Dash psyched herself up. “ You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…””

It’s been so long since I reviewed Equestria Girls, I just assume Rainbow Goth talks in a perfect Gene Wilder impression.

““MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.”

Roll credits.

““Baking”? Dash was disappointed. “Pinkie, you know I’m not good baking. Remember the last time?””

‘We’re still cleaning up the blood, and hell, I’m not sure where we even got a gazelle.’

““Oh that’s not a problem at all. I only need your help making them. I’ll be doing most of the work.” Pinkie explained. Dash thought for about it for a second and replied, “Well, alright, I guess that’s ok. What exactly do need me to do”?”

‘Drum up view counts, mostly, ponies tend to send it through the roof.’

““That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake. Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.” “You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.””

‘Yes, I made a single cupcake. That’s how recipes work, right? GODDAMMIT DON’T QUESTION ME! EQUESTRIA, MOTHERFUCKERS!’

““So, is this like taste testing or something?” “Sorta” Pinkie said. Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.”

‘… Wait, how the fuck did you manage to bake without hands-‘

EQUESTRIA, MOTHERFUCKERS!’

““Ok, now what?” Dash asked. “Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.” Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded. Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor.”

LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE PONIES HIT THE FLOOR-

“When Dash regained conciseness, she found herself in a dark room. She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to the upright planks.”

Man, if had a dollar every time I woke up in bondage!

[Editor’s Note: … D- do I want to know?]

I am allowed to have layers, you know.

“Her legs were spread wide apart. The only part of her not tied down were her wings as the frame was backless. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.”

Imagine you were dying. Imagine you were afraid and a long way from home in terrible pain. Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, you looked up and saw the face of the Devil himself. Hello, Pink Abomination.

““Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started.” She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth.”

Ponies don’t have hands, guys. I know I’m breaking new ground in comedy and scientific observation, but it’s true.

““Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said in a worry. “Well, duh, you’re tied down.” Pinkie chided “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you needed to told that.””

Ask a stupid question, get tied in leather bondage to a stupid answer.

Wait, how the fuck does leather exist in a world of sentient ponies?!

““But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.” “You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.” “Special ingredient”? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient”?”

SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF POOOOONIES!

“Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly.””

Yeah, sorry, but meat does not belong in cupcakes. I’M CALLING FOUL ON YOU, FAN FICTION ABOUT MAGICAL PONIES.

“Dash’s eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh ”Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made to a cupcake. I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.“”

Annnnnd you win, a new car!

“Pinkie giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise.” Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.””

I dunno, it kinda is.

““Then why were you laughing”? Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready. There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them.”

HOW COULD A PONY POSSIBLY USE MEDICAL INSTRUMENTS WITH NO HANDS.

I MEAN, HONESTLY.

SCIENCE, PEOPLE.

AND HOW COULD THEY GROPE WITH NO HANDS.

“Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing and she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!””

Um. Wait, can’t Rainbow Goth fly? I know she’s strapped down and everything, but it seems something that has absolutely no baring on reality anyway would have pretty interesting results when you added it to leather straps!

““I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy it’s that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.” She was skipping again.”

This is all canon, right?

““But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.” Dash was desperate.”

… Wait, what?!

““Oh, Dash” Pinkie said “don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?” And with that the lights suddenly came to life and showcased the rest the room.”

‘Showcased’? Cool, so Vanna White was showing off the horrors while Chuck Woolery voices the Pink Abomination?

““Oh god, no” Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her.”

Reeling is surprisingly difficult while you’re in leather bondage!

[Editor’s Note: Seriously, are you ever going to explain that?]

Not until I can get the ball gag out.

“The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs.”

That is… not even close to how organs work. You can’t just fill them with helium and turn them into balloons.

AND WHERE THE HELL DID PONIES GET HELIUM?!

“The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her.”

But only that center piece, everything else in the room was fine.

“The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate. Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled in red.”

If that’s not already a part of a fraternity, I will be shocked.

[Editor’s Note: The motto that life is a party, or the violent and visceral evisceration of screaming innocents?]

Yes.

“Dash’s attention was brought back by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She gaped at Pinkie Pie, who was standing right in front of her. “

Wait, if she was standing right in front of her, how the balls could Rainbow Goth not notice her?!

“The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from dried skin, emblazoned with cutie marks.”

Five bucks says that’s already on Etsy.

“On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all of different colors. As the earth pony skipped in excitement, her necklace of severed unicorn horns clacked together loudly.”

Okay, so now she’s the Earth Pony? You said she was the Party Pony a minutes ago! I am extremely confused by equine eschatology.

““Like it?” Pinkie asked. “I made it myself.””

‘Well, okay, I got the design off Pinterest first.’

“Desperately, Dash pleaded with the smiling pony before her. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.””

‘Pssh, where’s that “not telling anybody” shit come from? I’m livestreaming this!’

“Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?”

It’s a Creepypasta, it happens. Remind me to tell you that time I had to kill an alien shapeshifter with nothing but kung-fu and a bottle of moonshine.

““Aww, don’t be sad, Dash,” said Pinkie. “Look, this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.””

Dude, I saw Equestria Girls, you don’t want to fuck around with that. Friendship qualifies as a war crime in this universe.

“Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie produced a brightly painted blue and yellow skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.”

Buckbeak, NOOOOOOO!

SOMEBODY GET ME A TIME TURNER, ASAP!

“Dash gaped in shock. “Is… is that… is… that?””

You… didn’t actually say what you think it is? Unless this is just leading up to the wackiest game of Charades in history, of course.

““Hey, Dash, let’s hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs,” Pinkie mimicked. “I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course; I had to wait till after the party to do that.”

‘What’d you play? Scatagory? Tag? Mario Kart?’

‘Goddammit, Rainbow, you are not helping the whole “scary” thing.’

“But boy am I glad I did. It was worth it for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing. I know she didn’t have a number like everyone else in Ponyville, but when was I gonna get another chance to try griffon?”

Well, you could always hit the local KFC, I’m pretty sure we’re only a couple weeks out from getting a Gryphon Double-Down.

“I probably should have asked where she came from so I could have gotten more, but I forgot. I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. She lasted a long time, which was a lot of fun for me.”

Wait, didn’t you leave the party for “only twenty minutes”? How did you manage to catch up to a gryphon, beat it into submission, and hide her somewhere, especially if she was a “fighter” who “lasted a long time”?

“I got the chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It’s too bad she had such a meanie mouth. She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue out. You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Rainbow Dash.””

Okay, I’m getting lost in the terminology, are you fuckin’ these ponies, or are you just killing them?

[Editor’s Note: Is she boinking them, do you mean?]

Is she knobbing?

[Editor’s Note: Boff-knocking?]

Givin’ them the ol’ salty pillar?

[Editor’s Note: Playing genital pattycakes?]

Slap-jacking?

[Editor’s Note: Clam wrestling?]

Doodle-dancing?

[Editor’s Note: … We’re both making things up now, right?]

God, I hope so.

 

I think the Pink Abomination is the only one I don’t have any porn for, and you know what? I’m perfectly comfortable with that fact.

“Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed in her tight bonds. “Well” said Pinkie with an air of finality, “that’s enough reminiscing. It’s time to begin.””

‘TIME TO BEGIN THE SEINFELD MARATHON TO END ALL SEINFELD MARATHONS! … Why, what did you think we were going to do?’

“Putting down Gilda’s skull, the pink pony gripped a scalpel in the cleft of her hoof and walked over to Dash’s right flank. Without any flair, Pinkie placed the blade an inch above Dash’s cutie mark and began a circular cut around it.”

You still haven’t explained what would have happened if Rainbow decided to try and fly, by the way. S- still waiting on that one.

“Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away, but the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed a curved skinning knife from the tray. Screwing up her face in concentration, she worked it under Dash’s skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle.”

I… do not have a freaking clue if it works that way. One second, somebody get me a skinning knife and a horse, let’s find out!

[Editor’s Note: All we have is a potato peeler and a guy in a horse mask.]

Close enough.

“Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched her flesh peel off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and repeated the process on Dash’s left flank. Once she had finished, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms. Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned like nothing she had felt before.”

My god! She has perfectly replicated the sensation of using a Thigh Blaster!

“Placing the ragged patches of skin down, Pinkie selected a large butcher knife and walked behind the blue pegasus. “Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now,” Pinkie laughed.”

My god! She’s going to drink Redbull?!

Oh, right, you mean you’re going to hack her wings off while she screams in futile agony.

Easy mistake.

“She grabbed Dash’s left wing in her mouth and played with it for a few seconds, yanking it back so the sharp pain reignited the fire in Dash’s flanks.”

Oh, now you acknowledge the fact that ponies don’t have hands?! We left that behind when the Pink Abomination was doing her alas poor Yorick routine!

“Then, stretching the wing out, Pinkie brought the blade down hard at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage.”

And instantly, a thousand butchers teleport into the room to decry her lack-luster carving technique.

HOW THE FUCK IS SHE HOLDING A KNIFE?! WE JUST ACKNOWLEDGED THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN’T HAVE HANDS! IS SHE TELEKINETIC? ARE HER HOOVES ARTICULATE? DOES SHE HAVE HOOVES, OR ARE THEY ACTUALLY SOME KIND OF WEIRD-ASS HAND-HOOVES?! I’LL ACCEPT WHATEVER WEIRD EXPLANATION YOU GIVE WHEN YOU ACTUALLY GIVE AN EXPLANATION!

“The movement threw off Pinkie’s aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed, and carved a huge slice into Dash’s back.”

You suck at this, Abomination. And I’m not just saying that because I’m praying for your inevitable death by firey electro-saurs.

[Editor’s Note: Are you just saying that because she’s a serial killer now?]

No, actually, I find her far more likeable in this reality.

… Wait, did she steal my haircut?!

““Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing,” scolded Pinkie as her friend howled.”

Yep. Rainbow Jock turned into a werewolf.

What? That is what you were trying to get across, right?

“Pinkie took another whack and hit her target. She swung again and again. Blood sprayed into the air, but Pinkie realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.”

Which means this monstrous serial killer is less dangerous than your average session of Surgeon Simulator.

““Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else,” stated Pinkie matter-of-factly as she tossed the knife over her shoulder, embedding the blade in the table.”

Wait wait wait, the knife that wasn’t sharp enough to cut through bonewas sharp enough to impale a wooden table with an absent minded, accidental toss over her shoulder?! Are Rainbow Jock’s bones coated in fucking adamantium?! 

“Through the haze of pain and tears, Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing. “Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw? It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.””

Yes, we did notice that this is pretty much a MLP version of Saw, thanks for rubbing our faces in it.

“Pinkie placed the tool over the mangled flesh of the last attempt. Standing on her hind legs, she worked the saw back and forth with her front hooves.”

Oh, so she does have hooves!

WHAT?!

“It sliced effortlessly through the bone and skin. The feeling of the jagged teeth grinding into her made Dash want to vomit. She watched numbly as her wing flew over her head and landed with a fluff on the table.”

The secret origin of goose down pillows.

“Pinkie moved to the next wing and started sawing. Dash didn’t struggle this time; she’d given up trying to fight and focused on choking back screams of agony. Abruptly, the sawing paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by a sliver. “Hey Dash,” Pinkie piped up. “Think fast!” Suddenly, Pinkie yanked the wing as hard as she could. The bone snapped but the blue pony’s skin held, then tore away. The pull ripped away a long strip of flesh all the way down Dash’s back to her rump.”

Yeeeeah, I’m fairly certain that’s… not how that works. Skin isn’t like some kind of bizarre lovechild between wrapping paper and Laffy Taffy, and even more importantly, I’m fairly certain you have no way to prove that it is how it works! CHECKMATE ATHEISTS!

And even if we assume that the properties of pony skin is different from the skins of anything on earth, then we still have one, serious, important, mind-blowing question… namely, HOW THE NINE HELLS DID THE PINK ABOMINATION MANAGE TO YANK SOMETHING WHEN SHE HAS HOOVES?!

“Her body seized at the unexpected trauma. As her pelvis tensed up, Dash felt a warm release between her legs, and her loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.”

… I’m going to pray that that means she just pissed herself, and it’s very sad that that is the best choice out of all the options.

“Dash awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils. As her vision swam into focus, she saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing a large adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out at her helpless victim.”

This is completely unrelated, but I am so glad that I found the WordPress hotkey to turn underlining on. Seriously. Having a level of emphasis higher than bolding or italics?! FUCKING GENIUS!

““Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them. How would you like it if I came over to your house and went to sleep?”

Well, going to sleep is more interesting than reading this, that is true.

“‘Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re so boring I think I’ll take a nap.’ You think I like always doing this by myself?”

… Why am I getting flashbacks to my sex life?

“I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate.”

This is by far the weirdest, and greatest romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.

“You know, I thought you were tough. I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you! Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?””

This is… this is so motivational! My god, I’m going to go get killed by a pony right now- wait, no.

“As Pinkie stopped to catch her breath, Dash blinked and sobbed softly. Her back was in agony, her sides were on fire, and there was an intense pain in one of her legs. As she blinked again, she saw Pinkie pop something red into her mouth and began to chew.”

The secret origins of Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Seriously, who ever thought that looked like a Gobstopper?

“Noticing Dash’s stare, Pinkie quickly gulped the morsel down. “What?” Pinkie asked. “Oh, this?” She held up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself to a small sample. I got it from your leg; you’re not bad. Wanna try some?””

That must be delicious.

“Without waiting for a response, Pinkie shoved the strip of meat into the revolted pegasus pony’s mouth. Dash gagged, and immediately spit it out.”

Aww, come on! You weren’t going to even try it?! This is a rare, once in a lifetime experience! 

[Editor’s Note: … You have issues.]

I am aware, yes.

“Pinkie frowned, and picked up the chunk of flesh. “If you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She contemplated the discarded snotty morsel, then gulped it up. “It’s not like you haven’t had my cupcakes before.””

Seriously, cupcakes aren’t supposed to have meat in them. Fuck you. You’re a disgraced to your apron carved out of human flesh.

“Swallowing, Pinkie turned her attention to a small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with red-hot coals.”

Red hot coals? In… a can? Where did they come from? Why are they still hot?! My suspension of disbelief is ruined!

“Lying on top of the coals were several large nails. As the adrenalin filled her veins, Dash began to panic again. Picking up the can, Pinkie walked over to Dash’s left. Holding some tongs with her mouth, Pinkie carefully picked up a nail and positioned it at the seam between her victim’s front left leg and hoof. She then grabbed a hammer and took careful aim.”

To be fair, with the Abomination’s track record for actually cutting into the things she’s aiming for, I’m betting you’re going to end up with that nail in your ear or something.

““No Pinkie!” Dash screamed. “NO! NO!””

“The hammer came down and the nail punctured Dash’s skin. The white hot burning was too much. Dash screamed as she pulled and thrashed at the braces, causing her raw skin to rub and tear.”

Second weirdest Crucifixion ever.

“Pinkie tried to line up another nail, but couldn’t find her aim, and let out a frustrated grunt. When Pinkie brought the hammer back to take a wild swing, Dash burst out crying and begging.”

Bang bang, Abomination’s silver hammer came down on her head…

““PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!””

Oh, really?

Okay, see you guys tomorrow.

“Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting down the hammer and tongs, she walked back in front of her friend and stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she had a live parasprite stuffed down her throat.”

Oh god, please tell me “parasprite” isn’t some kind of euphemism.

*googlegoogle*

Oh! So you made her eat Navi. Good to know.

“Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next, then had a sudden spark of inspiration. Rotating a wheel on the rack, Pinkie laid Dash on her back, then moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her.”

Wait… “laid Dash on her back”? I thought she was tied to the rack. So, didn’t you just… turn her upside down? With the rack now completely blocking off her back?

“Picking up her tools, Pinkie drove a searing hot spike of metal directly into the bottom of Dash’s hoof. “

Oh, so they do have hooves. So, every single point I made about how fucking stupid it is for them to pick things up is even more valid? Fucking phenomenal.

“As Dash yelled in pain, Pinkie moved around and drove a second nail into the other hoof. Next, Pinkie went back to her cart and located an enormous battery and controller, which she dragged over to where she was working. She tied copper wires between the terminals and the nails driven into Dash’s hooves, then gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch.”

You know, in some places, you’d have to pay extra for service like this.

“Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body. The blue pony reacted immediately; her body seized, and her muscles snapped taut. Dash’s hips thrust skyward, her eyes rolled back, and she let out a deep, throat shredding cry.”

Oooh, nice scream! With pipes like that, you’ll have a solid career in a hair metal band.

“Pinkie giggled and danced in place, then reached down and turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably, and her bladder emptied once more.”

Jesus, again? I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in there at this point, she’s just pissing dust.

“After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power. Wisps of steam rose from the singed fur around Dash’s hooves, and the area reeked of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. Pinkie rotated Dash upright again and tried snap the drooling, delirious pony back to attention.”

You spin me right ’round, baby, right ’round, like a record baby…

““Dash? Dash! Rainbow Dash, wake up!” Dash moaned and managed to give a modicum of weak acknowledgment. Pinkie studied her handiwork, then reached into the medicine bag and produced a large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round.””

‘Time for the Lightning Round! Win this, you’ll get double or nothing! And I might even spare a bit of your skin!’

‘You know it’s been a weird day when that’s the nicest thing anybody’s said to me all day.’

“Dash focused blearily on the needle, which Pinkie took as a question as to what it was.”

… Insulin?

““This is a little something to take the pain away,” Pinkie informed Dash as she walked around to her victim’s ruined back. Dash flinched as Pinkie jabbed the needle into the lower part of the blue pony’s spine. Moving in front of her friend again, Pinkie leaned down and elaborated.”

Wait, how the fuck did ponies create needles?! Do ponies even have drugs?!And why would they invent a technology that requires pressing a plunger down WHEN THEY DON’T HAVE FINGERS?!

““In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.””

Pictured: The grittiest Harvest Moon Let’s Play yet.

“Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie?” she choked out.

“Yeah?”

“I want to go home,” Dash sobbed.”

YOU’LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME I’M NOT AT MY BEST I’VE BEEN GONE FOR A MONTH I’VE BEEN DRUNK SINCE I LEFT.

… What? Look, there’s very few occasions when I’ll get to quote that song.

““Yeah, I can see wanting to do that,” replied the party pony. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, just say ‘I’m done with this mess’ and go to bed. But you know what? You can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.””

That is… oddly motivational. Seriously, why is the murderous version of the Pink Abomination so much nicer to be around than the normal one? Something seems off here.

“Dash hung her head and cried. Minutes passed as the drug took effect. Eventually, Dash was completely numb from her chest to her flanks. At this point, Pinkie approached with a scalpel. Glancing at Dash and smiling, Pinkie made a long horizontal cut across the pegasus pony’s pelvis, just above her crotch. Moving up Dash’s body, Pinkie made a similar incision under her ribs. Finally, Pinkie made a long vertical cut down Dash’s stomach, connecting the first two.”

Take notes, kids, there’s a quiz later.

““Looks like I got my ‘I’ on you, Dash,” Pinkie giggled.”

YOUR JOKES ARE WORSE THAN MINE.

“With a moist, gooey sound, the flaps of skin opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie carefully sliced open Dash’s abdominal sac and grabbed her large intestines.”

Oh.

Disemboweling.

I suddenly desperately want to study pony anatomy, just to find out all the things that the author got wrong.

[Editor’s Note: Dude, what is your problem?]

I can only get an erection if I’m making somebody, somewhere, cry.

“As she separated the organ from the rest of the digestive tract and pulled it out of the new cavity, Pinkie grew jovial. Laughing as she gutted her friend, Pinkie began to make jokes. Dash, growing weaker from this new source of blood loss, tried desperately to shut out the macabre comedy act.”

Hey look, it’s how people react when try and tell jokes!

““Look at me, I’m Rarity!” Pinkie laughed, slinging the intestinal tube around her neck and spraying blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty?””

This is one weird episode of Say Yes To The Dress.

… Of course I’ve never seen that show, don’t be ridiculous. *cough*

“Reaching back inside, she sliced the smaller intestine off from the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement, Pinkie filed the slimy organ through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.””

Hah hah, so funny!

Wait, do dentists exist in this world?

“Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Disappointed, Pinkie dived back into the blue pony’s guts, ramping up her routine.”

And this is somehow less painful than her normal comedy, go figure.

““Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” Pinkie started pulling out the rest of Dash’s organs, pausing with each removal. “I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.””

Please, please, please, Refracted Light, die a little faster so we can shut her up.

“Pinkie placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. “Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the end of Dash’s esophagus in her mouth and the stomach in her armpit. She squeezed, and a spurt of acid hit her tongue. “Eww! Oh hey look, there’s your cupcake, Dash!””

Damn, this is shaping up to be one damn fine sequel to The Human Centipede.

“Dash didn’t hear her tormentor. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago. Pinkie, not yet satisfied, hit Dash with another adrenaline shot. Dash woke up for the last time, her heart pounding. Warm blood flowed out from the wound in her chest in great spurts. It wouldn’t be long now.”

Seriously, how the fuck do they have adrenaline shots in this world. I am asking.

“Pinkie brought Dash around onto her back again and straddled the blue pony’s chest, scalpel at the ready.”

This just got… dangerously erotic.

Wait, no it didn’t.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

““Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault; I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well. It was really was nice knowing you, Dash!””

Ah, I haven’t seen such a tearful goodbye over a disemboweled corpse since Casablanca. 

It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, admittedly.

“The blade sunk into the blue throat and worked its way up to Dash’s chin. Coming back down, Pinkie’s scalpel then circled Dash’s neck. The last thing Rainbow Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, and the metal of the blade scraping her teeth.”

Which just sounds… terribly pleasant. Better than toothpaste and orange juice, though.

“Then she was gone. Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She had done a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, and Dash winked back. Pinkie smiled.”

Um. Okay, is the Pasta done? Can we… can we leave now?

“But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. Dash had only lasted fifty minutes, not nearly as long as Pinkie had wanted. She looked back at the cadaver hanging in the center of the room, the last of her friend’s fluids draining into a pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.”

And somewhere, the people who like making “Rainbow Dash Is Gay” jokes for no reason, cry a single tear.

“As she looked, Pinkie cocked her head. She began to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t much damage to the corpse. “In fact,” the pink pony mused, “I think….” An idea exploded in her head.”

Actually, that was the sniper, taking her out from behind.

“She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do was put them back together.”

That is not even close to how taxidermy works.

“Yeah, she just had to get some stuffing and bingo, she’d have Rainbow Dash forever.”

No, seriously, you’d need embalming fluid, for one, and- actually, no, let’s stick with that. You need to preserve the materials, or else you’re just going to be left with a slowly rotting teddy bear.

“In fact, thought Pinkie, that’s what she’d do for all her best friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped right over to the body with her skinner to get started. The cupcakes could wait; Pinkie Pie had a friend to make.”

TAXIDERMY! DOESN’T! WORK THAT WA- wait, we’re done? I can leave? Oh, thank god.

So, that was Cupcakes! How was it?

… Seriously, cupcakes should not have meat in them. That’s just wrong.

In all honesty, it was pretty good! Not very scary or creepy, admittedly, but all of the descriptions of the various torments were well handled and delivered, and the Pink Abomination’s cheerful demeanor makes for some great dissonant serenity. But the biggest problem is, torture was all it was, with very little actual meat to the story, which puts it on the same level with August Underground, in my opinion.

Get it? Meat? Cannibalism? God, I’m funny.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: