Internet Campfire Tales: Elevator Safety Guidelines, A Creepypasta Review

12 Jun

… I could be wrong, but I believe that is the least threatening title ever made. Ever. In human history. So, bonus points, I guess.

internet_campfire_tales

 

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, where we will, among other things, learn how to ride elevators today! Which is good. Having to toss myself down the shafts head first gets boring fast. Elevator Safety Guidelines, everyone!

Ahem!

“Due to a number of recent incidents, we request that all customers observe the following guidelines when riding in the elevators. Thanks. The Management.”

‘This means you, John McClane.’

Do not overload the elevator; only ten people are allowed in the elevator at any one time.”

Ten people, or one medium sized forklift.

Do be prepared to give up your space for elderly and disabled passengers.”

Hah. Good luck with that. Elevation of the fittest, and all that.

Do not smoke in the elevator.”

Morticia Addams will not be happy about that.

Do not press buttons multiple times.”

Insert Elf reference here.

Do not depress and hold the buttons.”

Just don’t depress them in general, really. They’ve been going through a rough time.

Do be polite and courteous to all other passengers.”

Unless there’s an eleventh passenger. Then ANARCHY.

Do not attempt to tamper with the electronics or the lighting.”

Light switch raves are strongly discouraged.

Do not hold open the doors.”

In fact, never open the doors ever. Live in the elevator now. It is your new home.

Do know your destination before you embark in the elevator.”

If you don’t, it will just deposit you somewhere random. The last fellow who didn’t know ended up at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Tragic.

Do not attempt to open the doors while the elevator is in motion.”

Unless you want to know what the grey featureless walls look like, I assume.

Do not attempt to open the access panels on the roof or floor.”

… Wait, floor?!

Do not press the emergency help button outside of a genuine emergency.”

No, being forced to re-enact the movie Devil is not an emergency.

Do not press the fire alarm outside of a genuine fire.”

Literally, you have to be inside the fire before it’ll work. Damnedest thing.

Do not bring bicycles or pushchairs into the elevator.”

Cars are entirely acceptable, though.

Do not bring open food or drink into the elevator.”

Because I WILL steal some.

Do respect other passengers personal space.”

Unless they’re the eleventh passenger.

Do pay attention to the floor indications.”

Except for the ones in Esperonto.

Do not drop litter in the elevator.”

… How would somebody even DO that?

Do not leave chewing gum in the elevator.”

But if it hasn’t been chewed yet, lemme know. That stuff is tasty.

Do keep bags and possessions on you at all times while in the elevator.”

… Where would you even PUT them?

Do not leave bags unattended in the elevator.”

How big is this freaking elevator?!

Do not allow children under the age of sixteen to ride the elevator unaccompanied.”

Unless you don’t mind them returning with a few less limbs than usual.

Do ignore any screeching or thumping you hear outside the elevator; it’s just the brakes.”

… Huh.

Do not bring dogs in the elevator.”

Instead, mail them to the upper floors!

Do use the handrail, if available.”

… ‘Available?’

Do not vandalize the elevator.”

How could I, seeing as it’s apparently the size of a fucking YACHT.

Do not leave muddy footprints in the elevator.”

Muddy handprints are encouraged, however.

Do ignore the flickering lights.”

But do not blink.

Do not look at the floor indicator if it starts to display words instead of numbers.”

See?! Fucking Esperonto! I told you!

Do not touch the lights; they can overheat.”

Wow, what… awful lights, then.

Do not touch any of the hand prints on the walls or ceiling; once you get the ink on your fingers it never washes off.”

This is the weirdest Splatoon crossover.

Do not look at the reflections of passengers who aren’t there; they find it most disconcerting.”

Oh, they’re vampires. Everything makes sense now.

Do not press buttons for floors you do not need to go to.”

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DOOOOOO.

Do enjoy our wide range of elevator music.”

Wow, you really ARE evil.

Do stand clear of the doors while they are opening or closing.”

If, you know, you’re a NERD.

Do not get out on floors that don’t exist; the corridors tend to keep looping round forever.”

… Gotcha.

Do not use the elevator in the event of a fire; take the stairs.”

But I might run into the eleventh passenger on the stairs! I can’t risk it!

Do not listen to the voices.”

They’re just trying to sell you Amway.

Do not use the trade elevator; it is for staff only and it doesn’t stop on any floors.”

It never stops. Ever. We’ve lost so many staff members.

Do realize they are all in your head.”

Oh, okay! Everything is alright then!

Do not jump while in the elevator.”

You… MONSTER.

Do report any passengers who may be compromising the safety of others to staff immediately.”

Unless they’re compromising the safety of the eleventh passenger.

Do not look at the shape in your peripheral vision, especially if you are alone in the elevator.”

Aww, but what if it’s a cool shape? Like a dodecahedron?

Do not shake the elevator while it is in motion.”

Rock the boat (don’t rock the boat, baby)!

Do stop pressing the help button; help isn’t coming.”

… You guys have a terrible PR department.

Do not scream; remember, other guests are trying to sleep!”

Oh, how inconsiderate of me- heeeey wait a minute.

So, that was Elevator Safety Guidelines! How was it?

I feel so safe now!

I’ve always been a fan of these off kilter, strange, mundane ones, so yes, I really did like this one! Very scary and atmospheric, but I do wish that it was a bit shorter. Too much of the mundane to get through, before hitting the scary.

Unless I AM supposed to be scared of mundane elevator rules, I guess.

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