Archive | March, 2012

Vacation!

27 Mar

Hey, everybody. I’m going to Mexico! This is going to be my first vacation ever, so I’m pretty excited. I might have thrilling insight after I get back, in one week, so there’s that. If you can’t get through the week, try out “The Adventures Of Dr. McNinja” It’s kind of like Evil Dead plus Deadpool. Anywho, see ya!

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The Conversational Cheat Code

26 Mar

There. I figured out a word that, when uttered, can get you out of any conversation. That word? Ragecliff. What does ragecliff mean? Well, ragecliff is actually shorthand for “Hello, person. I am sorry that due to current circumstances beyond my control, I am unable to carry a conversation. These reasons may include, but not be limited to, chores, I’m tired, I’ve got places to be, I hate you, and so on. Please do not take this as an insult, and I hope to see you again in the future.”

This one word can help people get out of any conversation, at a fraction of the time. See that intimidating block of text up there? Imagine trying to say that on the run. Impossible, if you’re in a hurry. Instead of slowing down your day with that tedious sentence, just say Ragecliff.

Ragecliff. Try it today!

Trolls 2 Review

25 Mar

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That is my one word review. What’s that, readers? You want me to be more in depth? Fine. But you will regret it, this is one of the WORST movies I’ve ever seen.

Sigh. So the plot of Trolls 2 is that a family has decided to take a vacation to Nilbog, which is goblin spelled backwards. That’s right, no trolls. AT ALL. Just goblins. Joshua, the son, is continually haunted by visions of his dead grandfather. Except it isn’t visions, his grandfather actually lives in “The realm of shadows” and is helping the family fight the goblins. Sure, Joshua, trust the man who lives in “The realm of shadows”. Who ever the man is, he is apparently omnipotent. He can teleport, go invisible, generate axes from nowhere, conjure molotov cocktails, and stop time. Holy hell, it’s Satan versus the goblins!

While this is going on, the sister, named Holly, is fighting with her boyfriend Elliot because Elliot always hangs out with his friends. After Holly goes on vacation, Elliot has the bright idea of taking the friends, who his girlfriend hates, to visit her in Nilbog. This is good, because they are by far the most entertaining. By which I mean, they die in the most entertaining ways. See, if you eat Nilbog food, you become plants. Which is good, because goblins are vegetarians. Why the hell goblins don’t just farm is beyond me. After one of the friends finds a random, unnamed woman being attacked by goblins, they escape to a house and find a witch. Said witch overacts and poisons both of them. The girl turns in to a plant, and the boy freezes in place, leading to THE BEST OVERREACTION EVER.

That cracks me up every time. After his little fit, do the goblins eat him? No, rendering that entire scene pointless. He instead gets turned in to a tree and gets chopped to pieces with a chainsaw by the witch while his poisoned friend dies on a comfy bed. Makes sense to me! But by far the most hilarious scene is the corn on the cob seduction scene.

The evil witch uses the ultimate power of an evil magical stone to seduce a virgin with corn. That. Is amazing. Seriously, that is the best. I would explain more, like what the goblins are or who the witch is, but, to be honest, the movie doesn’t explain. It just kind of trails off. There is some sort of twist, and bit of stock lightning effects, and a baloney sandwich.

Still, there is one question in all this mess. What do the goblins look like? Well…

Are you fucking kidding me?! Here, look at this.

THERE. I literally spent 2 minutes in paint, and it looks cooler then that piece of tihs.

For shame, movie. For shame.

 

Boots On My Hands

25 Mar

Having grown up with dogs all my life, I was always intrigued with how they moved. All four limbs at the same time! It was true versatility. At the ripe old age of 5 I was already studying how to walk like a dog. First, I practised walking down stairs on all 4 limbs, face first. Truly I was a veritable genius. Admittedly, this resulted in me falling down a lot.

I didn’t learn fast.

As my fascination with with four legged movement increased, so did the dents on the stairs. I actually still get nightmares about it. So, yeah, in retrospect that was an incredibly bad idea.

After a couple weeks of this, I came up with a brilliant idea. Dare I say it, more brilliant then the stair one. Wearing boots on my hands. 

I know, GENIUS.

Alright, motherfuckers. We got boots all up in this bitch.

After collecting my boots and attempting to escape to the park, I was stopped by a familiar adversary: Mom.  She stopped me with some silly facts about “Everyone will make fun of you.” What does that matter, Mom? I AM WEARING BOOTS ON MY HANDS. BOW TO MY WILL. Unfortunately for me, this was not a democracy. This was a dictatorship. I was forced in to my room and made to ruminate my fate. My sad, sad, bootless fate.

What did I do? Oh, I’ll tell you what I did! I did… nothing. Okay, I was never the evil one. That would be Morgan. She would stab people with forks or hit them with sacks of sugar. They kept having to think of new and creative punishments for her. Me, heck, all it took has a stern talking to, and I was reduced to tears. So I never struck back for the boot conflict.

In retrospect, Mom was right. If I wore boots on my hands, I would have been laughed out of the neighbourhood. But. Sometimes, sometimes I think of what could have been. I could have lived a bright, cheerful, boot-full life. But I will never know.

Someday…

Dear Bitchy Girl

23 Mar

Dear bitchy girl

In my social studies class

You should stop being

An attention seeking ass

Put down the cell phone

And pick up a pen

On the annoying scale

You’re a perfect ten

It’s really amazing

Astounding, in fact

How completely you lack

In wisdom, style or tact

I hate your appearance

Everything that you are

If it was my choice

You’d be hit by a car

What is that siren?!

Is a bombing raid near?

No, it’s just your voice

AND IT’S KILLING MY EAR

You have a bright future!

And by “Bright” I mean “None”

You’ll be the one in the street

Getting laughed at by bums.

Sandwich Of The Gods

22 Mar

They say that in every generation, a sandwich is born. One possessing of great tastyness, size, and ease of making. This sandwich can part seas, feed people, and bring the god to their knees. Both healthy, and delicious. If eaten, the effects are that of a Mario mushroom. As in to say, it increases your lifespan and makes you more powerful by tenfold. This sandwich is… Grilled Cheese.

[Insert angelic choir here]

A good grilled cheese sandwich can do far more with a simple brick of cheese then an entire tray of nachos. It can do miracles to a loaf of bread. Butter itself bow its will. And yes, I am really hungry so I made a grilled cheese sandwich. Gonna eat it now. Om nom nom.

The Puberty Diaries: Idiotproof

21 Mar

I finally got it! I have figured out the way to stop hormonal teenage punks from being… well… hormonal teenage punks. Whilst sitting at school, a kid started getting mean. Generally, “Todd” as I am going to call him, is a pretty nice guy. But he starts getting mean, defensive, onfensive, and whatever other fensive a guy could be. He was, to be specific, a dick. Other kids started getting in to an arguement with him about his arts and crafts project, and he resulted by getting angrier. I watched for a couple minutes before I told the kids:

“Hey, stop fighting him, Todd’s just hormonal.”

You could almost see the gears turning in his little head.

“He said that, so I should be angry. But he said I was angry, so that would be what he wants. So I shouldn’t to that. But I want to. But I’m being rebelious. butbutbutbut”

Then his head exploded.