Archive | September, 2014

There’s A Gremlin Destroying The Plot: Area 407 Review, Part One

30 Sep

You know, sometimes, I have to wonder… when will I ever see another unique found footage film again? Will I ever see a movie that actually does something interesting with the genre?

[Editor’s Note: Well, I don’t know about that, but this one has dinosaurs in it?]


Pictured: The Lost sequel too awesome to actually exist.

Oh, I’m sorry, did I spoil the whole “dinosaur” bit? The whole marketing campaign for Area 407 tried to keep it a secret, but I guess nobody told whoever made that poster, because… yep, that’s a dinosaur eye! Maybe a velociraptor was the one driving the plane?


We open with- the IFC Logo?! Stop following me around, IFC! Erm, anyway, we open with a big title card saying that everything is totally real, fo’ shizzle. And in the plot proper, we see two sisters filming themselves as they board a plane. Wait, they let you board with cameras?! When I tried that, everyone was just like boohoo, your novelty shotgun tri-pod is totally inappropriate, blah blah blah.

The younger sister with the camera is all talkative, sayin’ hi to everyone, gossiping about people, making fun of them, and generally being that special brand of little kid that is simultaneously charming and I WILL PAY ANY DINOSAUR TWENTY FISH HEADS AND AN ACRE OF LAND TO WHICHEVER ONE GUTS HER.

[Editor’s Note: You’re not exactly a people person, huh.]

Is that really such a surprise?! I’M GRUMPY!

So yeah, they take off, and then they… just kind of waste time! Talk to people,gossip, film the backs of seats, they even- oh, for fuck’s sake, they film the safety procedures?! Nobody even gives a damn about those when they’re actually there, never mind in a fucking film!

You know, I’m not sure how many people actually know how I write these reviews, so lets give you a rundown. See, I usually have the movie open in one tab, and WordPress open in the other, and I write it literally at the same time as I’m watching it! I don’t do that for video reviews or my big projects, of course, but it’s my usual way of doing things. And I just bring this up because WE ARE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN AND THEY ARE DOING SMALL TALK THEY ARE JUST DOING SMALL TALK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL THAT IS HAPPENING HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE A REVIEW WHEN NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

Okay, okay, FINALLY something is happening! The flight starts to hit some turbulence, after about fifteen minutes of wasting our fucking time, and then- bam! Down it goes! The plane has officially crashed!

Alright, everyone is dead now.

Good night!

[Editor’s Note: … Dude, you’ve barely started-]

Shhhhhhh if I don’t acknowledge that the bad movie exists, it can’t hurt me.

This actually makes a very good metaphor for most of the movies I’ve watched.

Internet Campfire Tales: The Woman In The Oven, A Creepypasta Review

29 Sep

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, the only web series written entirely in a Bela Lugosi impression!

internet_campfire_talesOoooh, yessss, Halloween is sneaking up on us, and bringing with it a bevy of pumpkin related beverages. And hey, what with October almost upon us, let’s get busy with the foreplay and review another Creepypasta! This time, The Woman In The Oven! Let’s dig in!


“During the summer of 1983, in a quiet town near Minneapolis, Minnesota, the charred body of a woman was found inside the kitchen stove of a small farmhouse.”

Yeah, but it was Minnesota, so nobody cared.

“A video camera was also found in the kitchen, standing on a tripod, pointing at the oven.”

The inevitable future of all web based cooking shows.

“No tape was found inside the camera at the time.”

Oh right, people in the past had to use TAPES! Those were made extinct when they allied with the dinosaurs against God and he had to smite them, right?

“Although the scene was originally labeled as a homicide by police, an unmarked VHS tape was later discovered at the bottom of the farm’s well, which had apparently dried up earlier that year.”

V/H/S 3 has officially run out of ideas. Either that, or they’re starting some kind of gang war with the Ring Girl.

“Goddammit, where’s my glasses?!”

“Despite its worn condition, and the fact that it contained no audio, police were still able to view the contents of the tape.”

“It’s time to bust this case wide open-”

“It depicted a woman recording herself in front of a video camera, seemingly using the same camera that the police found in the kitchen.”

And… doing duckface, apparently.

“After positioning the camera to include both her and her kitchen stove in its view, she turned on the oven, opened the door, crawled inside, and then closed the door behind her.”

… Second worst recipe ever.

“After eight minutes into the video, the oven could be seen shaking violently.”

When the oven’s a’rockin’, please come a’knockin’ because that means I just locked myself inside and oh god I set it to broil this was a terrible idea.

“At this point thick, black smoke emanated from it. “

You know, they’re not getting the warranty back on that thing. So… you know, thanks, lady.

“For the remaining forty-five minutes of video, until the batteries in the camera died, it remained in its stationary position.”

Eh, still a better found footage film than Paranormal Activity.

“To avoid disturbing the local community, the police never released any information about the tape, or even the fact that it was found.”

Except for… you know, when they released this to Creepypasta. Yeah, the police stopped giving a damn YEARS ago.

“Police were also not able to determine who put the tape in the well, or why the height and stature of the woman in the video did not come close to matching the body that they had found in the oven.”

Oh snaaaaaap plot twist! And that’s it! Seriously, that’s the whole thing. Short review, huh? How was it? Actually, pretty damn good!

The use of a detached, analytical tone gives it a serious atmosphere, and it makes it seem more realistic. The story is creepy, unnerving, with a nice little twist, and it’s short enough for a quick little read! Seriously, I thought it was really nice!

Huh. I guess liking things isn’t nearly as funny as hating them.

That looks like a really unpleasant place to sleep.


Previews? Is That A Thing That We’re Doing Now?

28 Sep

Yesssssss, the latest video review is coming along just fine! Well. I’m over halfway done the script after about two weeks of writer’s block, so fuck off, this is finally working out! But writing two reviews in one day is a little much, even for me, so instead, here’s some of my favorite quotes from the in-progress review!

“I’d start a drinking game out of all the pointless scenes, but you’d be getting your stomach pumped before the plot got started.”

“You know, most movies would keep the fact that their protagonist is an utter dick weasel a secret, but no, this movie is bold enough to let you know that yeah, you’re gonna want this fuckbarrel to stick his cock in a blender by the time it’s over. I can’t wait for them to remake Silent Hill 2, ‘Oh And Did We Mention He Killed His Wife’ Edition.”


“Oh look, something promised to be exciting and entertaining and instead just leaves the faint odor of shame and disappointment. Either this is a preemptive metaphor for this movie’s entire existence, or somebody found the way to perfectly encapsulate my sex life!”


“For the first review, I found something notorious that isn’t actually that bad, and for the second one, I found something nobody had heard of that was just terrible. And so for the third one, I wanted to find something that is just unfucking watchable. SO! LET’S DIG IN!”

Omegle Versus The Lord Of The Dance

27 Sep

I eventually plan to make these Omegle titles so obtuse that not even understand them. ANYWAY! OMEGLE! I’M GONNA MAKE FUN OF IT! LET’S ROLL!


What is your gender?

What?! I have a gender?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

so you like sex

Wait, one second, I have to get the proper soundtrack for this question.

Much better.

Odd fact, go!

If you laid your internal organs out across an entire football field from end to end, you’d be dead when you’re done.

i fuck you?

Goddammit, Enrique Iglesias, I’m not falling for that twice!

Female who will rate your dick for a limited time.

Gosh, the Amazon “Customer Reviews” section has gotten weird.

Ever considered incest with a hot relative?

Be right back, going for a hot shower. Of battery acid. That might wash off the first five layers of AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

What is wrong in your life?

The fact that I’m on Omegle instead of marathoning Portal 2!


Your dick is so small I bet when you were born they thought you were a girl!

Pssh, oh yeah? Your dick is so small, you leave pinpricks when erected! You could probably use them to sew pants! You have to take a quart of  Viagra before you can replace a button! The medical community has praised your dick for it’s many invaluable uses in micro-surgery!

(You’d be surprised how much longer I can keep doing this.)

Now You’re Thinking With Procrastination

26 Sep

Just bury me in here. Nail up the windows, board up the doors, just leave me in my bedroom, I’ll be fine to die here.

[Editor’s Note: … I’ve always dreamt of hearing those words, but I never thought I’d live to see the day. What’s up?]

I may have made some unwise spending habits. Or possibly SUPER wise, depending on your point of view! I just bought Portal 2 for PC!

[Editor’s Note: Sooooo you no longer fear death?]

I found the Perpetual Testing Initiative. Infinite. Original. TEST CHAMBERS.

[Editor’s Note: … How long have you been playing?]

Sixteen hours.

[Editor’s Note: Annnnnd when did you buy it?]


[Editor’s Note: I’d consider an intervention, but to be honest, your descent in to Portal related dementia is pretty entertaining.]


The Beauty Of New Life And Also Ghosts In Yo’ Face: Fertile Ground Review, Part Four

25 Sep

… That title just utterly mystifies me, and I’m the one who wrote it. That’s never a good sign.

I think I have that thing as a paperweight.

I think I have that thing as a paperweight.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Stuff happened, go check the other parts to find out.


So yeah, Emily walks in on Possessed-Nate eviscerating the rabbit he just shot, and they proceed to eat it over a very awkward dinner. Oh, man, it’s just like the time my girlfriend vivisected a bison and expected me to dig in! Worst Easter ever.

[Editor’s Note: … Is that real?]

Oh, of course not! That would require that I have a girlfriend!

That night, while Nate stays up all night painting in the shed, Emily can’t sleep, and she spots a ghost child running in there to play with him. But of course, once Emily gets there, neither Nate nor the ghost are in there. Instead, the ghost leads her on a merry chase to… a child’s grave. And who does she find inside but Nate! Oh, and then the Ancestor ghost hits her with an axe, and she wakes up from this obvious dream. But… you know, with dirt on her hands from the grave! Ooooh, spooky!

(Either that, or her hands were putting on black-face while she slept.)

The next day, Emily kills time spelling out “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME” with alphabet blocks, until GHOST JUMP SCARE! HOLDING A DEAD GHOST BABY! She runs off (Emily, not the ghost), and finds Nate in his shed, who dismisses her and tells her that everything is just fine, and they should totally stay in this haunted house!

… Emily immediately runs off, tells him to fuck himself, hops in the car, and starts driving away. Which, and I could be wrong here, but I think that is officially the smartest thing anybody has ever done in a ghost movie. But before she can get too far, she starts convulsing and clutching her womb and drives back. Because… I guess she thinks her haunted house is bad and all but… like, fuck this car, yo.

Once she makes it back to the house and crawls in to bed, Nate’s voice chimes in over the inter-com and apologizes and says oh yeah I’d never hurt you Mary oh wait who the fuck is Mary?! And suddenly, Nate appears behind her! The woman who got tossed out the window is dead, and now he has to go into the city for some work, and you’ll totally be fine all alone in the haunted house, right, pregnant wife?

… In case it’s not clear yet, I want this film to end with this guy turned in to pink goddamn mist.

Pictured: This guy. Exploding.

We cut to- wait. No, no, it’s been a while, I know what’s going to happen, I know what’s going to fucking happen-



So, all alone, Emily wiles away her days, until she follows one of the ghosts to a big stack of papers in the middle of the room, with a big porcelain doll as a paper weight. And underneath said doll is Mary- the ghost who’s been following her around, the one Possessed-Nate keeps calling her, the owner of that skull they found- yeah, it’s her diary. And it turns out, every single thing that’s happened in this house has happened to the original Mary. The moving in, the house party, the woman tossed out the window, the pregnancy, the husband getting called away on work- everything, and it’s happened to every single couple who’ve lived here, right down to the very dates! Oh, and it ends with them dying. Just by the way. In case you’re curious. Little tidbit.

Emily calls up her best friend to come help her, because what with what happened before, she can’t leave without tremendous pain. So, the friend is on her way, and who decides to show up early for his murder spree, but Nate! So Emily grabs a knife and decides to start swinging at anything that moves!


Oh, hey, best friend. Here a little early, huh?

Emily accidentally murders her best friend with the knife, tosses Nate down the stairs to slow him down, then runs off. She makes it on top of the balcony, and Nate follows, and the two engage in an epic fight! … Well, epic, except for the fact that he looks like the ancestor ghost now and IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE A BAD GUY WITH SILLY MUTTON CHOPS SERIOUSLY.

They fall off the balcony, and she manages to wrestle the knife away from Ghost-Nate, and slices him and his silly facial hair to ribbons. And at the hospital, under police guard, there’s absolutely no sign that she was ever pregnant! Annnnnd cut to her singing creepy nursery songs in a padded cell at the asylum?!

Wait, so, was she crazy the whole time? Were the ghosts real? Was Nate really possessed, or did she just imagine it? Was the pregnancy real, or did the ghosts get rid of that too? Or did they just make her think she was pregnant? Or… what? A little more clarification would be appreciated, movie!

Also goddammit this was just Maternal Instinct, wasn’t it?!


So, that was Fertile Ground! How was it?


What, you want more than that?

It certainly had some interesting ideas and good acting, but a lack of decent scares and a lot of tedium keep it from being anything great! But hey, at least they’re trying, am I right?!

(I am not right.)

It’s A Baby Something! Fertile Ground Review, Part Three

24 Sep

I’m sure somewhere in this review I am just terribly insensitive. You know, maybe all those mentions of dead babies? Maybe just a little bit, or has the internet convinced us all that murdering babies is totally kosher?

(Incidentally, “Murdering Babies Is Totally Kosher” is going on a t-shirt.)

But waaaait, the skull they found wasn’t from a baby! PLOT HOLE.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate are going through your standard haunted house plot, completely by the numbers, nothing too interesting to say about it… except for the fact that Emily, whose womb is so scarred that she can’t carry a child… is now pregnant.

*cue monocle pop*


Emily is all excited over the news, because every woman wants to hear that they’re carrying the fucking Unborn, but Nate is all dour over it. Hey, don’t feel so upset, dude! You impregnated somebody who can’t get pregnant! Apparently your sperm is magic!

(Also a good thing to put a t-shirt, now that I think about it. Or maybe the name of a self-health book.)

We cut to Emily staying up late and realizing that the drugs she takes to help with her depression aren’t supposed to be taken by pregnant women, so she decides not to take them. Because, you know, it’s not as if the doctor’s would have gotten her some pregnant-friendly drugs when they heard the news. And while Emily gets the ghost treatment- namely, the old ancestor who killed himself wandering around the house and shutting doors, Nate is out in his little work shed painting. Yeah, yeah, we get it, he’s possessed by the ghost of Christmas past or something, can we move on? If it turns out he’s just painting “All Work And No Play Make Nate A Boring Character” over and over again, I’m dousing the film reels in kerosene. And disappointment.

The next morning, it turns out that Nate never came to bed, and stayed up all night painting. Said painting he refuses to show her, and oh, he also refuses to come with her to the doctor’s appointment! Wow, you are so possessed, you make the guy from Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones look subtle.

What, is he worshiping the Deathly Hallows? (And yes, I will be reviewing this VERY soon.)

She drives to the doctor’s appointment by herself, passing… a homeless woman selling rabbit skins and a time distorted traffic light? That is… that is… I don’t… okay! Nice of the movie to just go completely fucking insane for a moment! Anyway, she makes it back home after the appointment, and while she’s completely pissed, she gives him the lowdown: She’s a high risk pregnancy, but as long as she stays off her feet and doesn’t get stressed out, she’ll be fine, right?


Dammit, what’s with the ironic echoing ambient laughter?! I thought we fixed that!

So, cue montage! Nate paints, while Emily lounges around, reads books, plays cards, and watches… The Night Of The Living Dead? Huzzah for public domain! Anyway, Emily is bored out of her mind and decides to get her friends over for a house party, which pisses Nate off, because he has work to do or something! And also, he insinuates that he doesn’t care about the baby! Oooh, dude, you’re sleeping in the doghouse- wait, you already ARE sleeping in that tiny wooden shed. Um.

Moving on.

We cut to the gathering-


ANYWAY! All of their friends show up to the house, and everything is all cheery and happy and blah blah blah, and Nate even crawls out of the shed to come say hi! Gosh, everything is happy! Well. He came to say hi to that one woman who he is obviously screwing, all while Emily sits there and glares at them kissing on the stairs, but same thing, right?

[Editor’s Note: Not even close.]


While Emily sits around and tries to light Nate on fire with her mind, she spots the ancestor ghost wandering around the party, but gets interrupted when a hipster douche accidentally spills wine on her. Oh, and Avery’s shown up to tell her more about the house! WOOT! GO TEAM PEOPLE NAMED AVERY!

[Editor’s Note: That is SO not a team.]

Emily runs upstairs to change out of her dress, and runs in to Nate’s cheery-friendly-mistress, and we cut outside to Nate talking with Emily’s friend… until the mistress gets her ass tossed through the window.

*innocent coughing*

She’s still alive, apparently, and the EMTs cart her away. And we cut to Emily admitting to her best friend about how she sees ghosts, who is… surprisingly understanding! Damn, most of my friends would be halfway into slapping me into a straitjacket by now, and not in the fun way.

The friend has to go home, so Emily goes for some rest… until she hears a gunshot, and finds Nate eviscerating a rabbit on the kitchen counter.

Worst Bugs Bunny cartoon ever.

“Self Evident Title Card”: Fertile Ground Review, Part Two

23 Sep

This movie just confuses me. No, not all the dead baby stuff or how boring it is, I get all that, it’s just… why does it keep flashing up title cards to tell us what we already know is happening?! Was Fertile Ground originally made for TV? Or maybe just audience members too distracted by shiny objects to remember what the hell is happening?!

Actually, considering most people I know, that’s a valid concern.

This is just the happiest image to have plastered across my site, huh.

Previously, on Fertile Ground: Emily and Nate had a miscarriage, and moved out to a haunted house out in the country. The facts are presumably unrelated, but I cannot discount the theory that the dead baby was actually their real estate agent.


Anyway, we come back to- Nate and Emily about to fuck! Okay wow, this is an inconvenient time to come back to. But hey, at least their sex scene is lit by… creepy ambient back-lighting? Wait no that’s not a positive trait okay backspace, rewind.

But suddenly, midway through, Emily looks up at Nate and BAM! Now he has mutton chops! Not exactly the scariest of imagery, but it’s nice to know this movie is terrifying to barbers. And, like, no one else. 

The next morning, Emily is washing up in the bathroom, and suddenly the toilet sprays crap at her! Why, hello, most obvious joke about this movie being terrible ever. It turns out the piping is all buggered up, and when they bring some plumbers in to fix it, they find… an old skull! Well. Charming. They call the cops, but the cops say that the skull is probably too old for the killer to still be around, and they shouldn’t be in any danger. And so Emily and Nate-



Anyway, after the cut, Nate’s… friend? Sister? Co-worker? Mistress? Fuck-buddy? Anyway, she shows up to drag Nate to some galleries for the day, and is just… way touchy-feely with him. Jesus, either they’re fucking, or the actors are and nobody told them they couldn’t hump on camera. Anyway, with her day free, Emily heads down to the historical society to talk to… Avery?! Hey, that’s me!

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, no, it’s not!]

Eh, fuck it, that’s what everyone calls me anyway.

Avery runs the historical society, and presumably about a thousand tweed jackets. And he’s here to explain the DARK HISTORY ABOUT THEIR NEW HOUSE (trademark pending). But yeah, the guy who built it killed himself, his wife disappeared, a serial killer lived in the area, there was murder, a school-teacher got tossed out the window, etcetera, etcetera. Eh, that’s okay and all, but it’s sure no wine vat full of acid! The House On Haunted Hill forever!


At home, the ghosts jostle doors and jiggle jock straps or whatever the hell ghosts do, to freak out Emily, and at night, they… whisper at her. But… but you know, in an assuredly menacing fashion. She wanders through the amazingly well lit house for a bit, and then an abortion ghost jumps out at her! No, not the ghost of an abortion, that’d actually be kind of metal. It’s just some spooky woman covered in blood with a pool of blood between her legs. And then… Emily faints?


The doctor’s check her out, and start running some tests to figure out whether or not she’s crazy or haunted, and at home, Nate is back! Oh, and also, the tree they planted is dead! Man, that’s surely some strange happenings-



[Editor’s Note: … Do movies even have eye sockets?]


Anyway, back to the boredo- er, I mean, film! Nate and Emily’s marriage is getting more and more strained, and on an unrelated note, they identified the skull as belonging to an adult female! Oh, of course, it’s the lady who went missing. Because it’s the most obvious option, duh! Jesus, does this movie have any original ideas?

*ring ring ring*

“Oh, Emily, who was that on the phone?”

“It’s the doctor… I’m pregnant.”

… Wait, WHAT?!

I… I don’t… WHAT?!

Dead Babies, The Major Motion Picture: Fertile Ground Review, Part One

22 Sep

A movie whose poster is literally nothing but a dead baby’s skull.

Holy hell. What the hell am I getting into.

Geez, couldn’t you at least have put a little sombrero on that thing to liven it up?

So… yeah, this is going to be a cheery one! Produced in 2011 by After Dark Films, Fertile Ground is- wait, holy fuck, this is the same company that produced Prowl! So I guess I can expect about an hour of pointless padding, followed by a half-way clever twist, and maybe a hobo for dessert?


The film opens with- a woman admiring her pregnant naked body in the mirror while lullabies play. Um. Okay, movie, but if you jump in to Maternal Instinct territory, I’m pumpin’ you full of so much cooking oil that the baby will come out crispy. Anyway, Little Miss Pregnant- er, I mean, Emily, is married in New York with her loving husband Nate, and they hold a wonderful dinner party with all of their friends and everything is happy and cheerful and you aren’t even going to make it to the second course before the miscarriage, huh. I mean, come on, cheerful opening in a horror movie? You might as well be spelling “tragic twist” with magic marker on the fucking lens.

But yeah, halfway through the dinner, she runs off to the bathroom and miscarriages, which is… kind of grotesque and disturbing, to be honest, so… props to the movie? Anyway, she’ll never be able to conceive again, because of the scarring, and because the plot needed it, and we cut to Emily and Nate starting over! I know this, because a giant fucking title card told me. What, did they figure the audience was too stupid to figure that part out when the next scene involves the duo shopping for a house out in the country?

So, anyway, next scene, the two are checking out an old house they want to buy out in the country, which comes complete with ironic dusty cradles and child swing-sets! “Ah, yes, this is where we keep all of our dead baby paraphernalia. Please stay out of the hall closet, that’s where we keep all of our ‘dying of cancer’ mementos.”

They decide to take the house anyway, and we cut to them moving in-


… Okay, seriously, is the movie just fucking with me now?

“So, should we start unpacking the boxes?” “What do you mean, ‘unpacking’? All I own are boxes.”

They start moving everything in, and they discover that… the house has an intercom system that leads to the shed? Um. Why? How? What? What?! No, seriously, what?! WHY?! HOW?! WHAT?!

[Editor’s Note: Do you plan on continuing the review?]

Nah, this is more fun.

Once the moving guys are done and all go away, Emily finds a child’s handprint on one of the windows, which she shrugs and cleans up. Which means we’re about… 15 minutes in and nothing scary has happened! Eh, I’m game, I’ve seen four Paranormal Activity movies and nothing’s happened in those either. Oh, but the handprint re-appears after she wipes it off, so I guess that’s supposed to count as our scare for the movie?

Emily takes some stuff down in to the basement, which it turns out is actually the basement from Cabin In The Woods, and can somebody please tell me why nobody in horror movies who buy a house actually check the basement? Seriously, that’s like buying a house 101, guys. And she finds a chest of memorabilia from the first people who owned the house, which is- geez, all ever get in new houses are scratchy blankets and used condoms.

It turns out, the first people who owned the house are Nate’s relatives, and they find some pictures of the previous owners in the false bottom of the trunk. Including some good old fashioned Victorian porn! Ah, stiff photographs of naked people were the 1800’s equivalent to Slipshine.


So, after moving in, it’s time to start their new life-


… I swear to god, Fertile Ground, I will fuck you up.

ANYWAY! So, Emily and Nate are moved in now! Oh, and then Emily brings home a tree! Hah hah, get it? It’s a “new tree”? “NEW LIFE”? Eh, eh?!


As they plant the tree, they realize that they never decided on a name for their baby, and settle on Ruth. Well, fan-fucking-tastic, now your ghost-baby is either going to try and stop a whining Christian author avatar and get killed by a truck, or they’re going to get utterly tanked on gasoline-quality hooch and bully some ex-cheerleader so she can help herself to the most epic of hatefucks.

[Editor’s Note: … WOW, your references are just getting more and more obscure, huh.]

I figure sooner or later, I’ll just make references so obscure that even I, the author, can’t understand them!

Ruth’s the one with the knife, which REALLY doesn’t bode well for your ghost baby.

Internet Campfire Tales: When A School Trip Goes Wrong, A Creepypasta Review

21 Sep

Welcome back to Internet Campfire Tales, and you thought I forgot about this series, didn’t you!

(The answer is yes.)

internet_campfire_talesThat’s right, we’re back to reviewing Creepypastas! And today, we’ll be looking at When A School Trip Goes Wrong, and, spoiler alert, it’s going to involve a school trip going wrong.


“It was September 20, 2012, and our school was going on a trip. We were going to an amusement park called Walibi.”

Oh! So, it was, what, yesterday? Two years ago? … Topical?

“Me and my best buddy, Jake, were super excited, because we really loved the roller coaster ‘Goliath’.”


“I woke up at 6 AM, and I already felt the excitement in my stomach.”

He also woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy, but that’s besides the point.

“The bus would leave at 8 AM, so I quickly made myself a sandwich and ate it as quickly as I could.”

I can already tell, the story of this guy’s sandwich is going to be fucking riveting. Spoiler alert, the plot twist is that he thought it was a roast beef sandwich, but it was actually a reuben!

… Well, fuck, now I want a reuben.

“I took a shower and got dressed. I left for school, and Jake and I met at the bridge along the way. I waved at him, but he didn’t wave back. I walked up to him, and when I came close I saw he looked like shit.”

… Hopefully not literally. I can handle horror stories, but coprophilia is another bag entirely. (And I checked with the marketing people, and I’m not allowed to change the name to “A Very Shit Place”.)

“”What’s wrong mate?” I asked him.”

‘Well, see, you keep forgetting your commas and it really bothers me.’

“He said that he hadn’t got much sleep, because he had had a horrible nightmare. I knew what he meant, because Jake had strange nightmares for over a year now.”

‘Strange’ nightmares? He had nightmares about me? … Well, damn, now I just feel guilty.

“It’s always the same: a man with scars all over his face stares at him from a distance with a freezing look. It just stands there.”

That’s… that’s not actually that scary. Um. Kind of annoying, I guess, so you get bonus points for that?

“I figured it was pretty scary if a person stares at you the whole time you’re sleeping.”

… You figured wrong.

“But this was different, he said. “He slowly walks in my direction, and when I try to walk away, I can’t move. It’s like I’m frozen or something.” “

Dude, you have the weirdest wet dreams.

“I tried to cheer him up and he said, “Ah, fuck it! Let’s go to Walibi!””


“We sat in the bus for half an hour, and we were finally there! When we entered the park we could hear the screams from the roller coasters.”

Oh, PLEASE, why would something called “The Goliath” be scary-

Annnnnd now I’m peeing blood. Thanks for that.

“I was really excited but I was worried about Jake, I knew he loved Walibi but he seemed so quiet. He just walked, very slowly, without saying a word.”

Can they make this marriage work?

“”Let’s go to the Goliath!” I said with a big smile on my face, hoping that Jake would smile too. He didn’t, though. He just said, “Sure, but I got to take a piss first.” I should have stopped him…”

‘Never make the mistakes I made, people! Never let your boyfriend go to the bathroom!’

“I waited for a while and figured he was taking a dump or something.”


“I sent him a text saying, “I’m going for the first ride, see you there soon?”. He didn’t reply, so I just went to the Goliath. The waiting line wasn’t very long, so I was already happy and excited!”

Good god, this man has the emotional capacity of a goldfish.

“After about 10 minutes, it was my turn. I checked my phone, and I saw that Jake had replied, “You will see me, soon enough…””


“I got aboard and sat alone in a cart. The train went up and just before the drop I felt a chill going through my spine. And we dropped! I felt the adrenaline through my blood. And I screamed at the top of my lungs, but not because of the excitement. I saw someone tied down on the rails. I recognized the coat and shoes; it was Jake! “


… Also, seriously, tied to the tracks? Is this guy Snidely fucking Whiplash?

“The moment the train hit him, I will never forget. Blood all over the persons in the train.”

And I’ll never forget how you said “persons” instead of “people”! Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

“Limbs flying everywhere.”

Including, like, sixteen different left legs, which was just weird.

“I cried and threw up.”

Detailed story telling? What’s that?

“The police came. I wanted to see my friend, but he was gone. Nothing left of him.”

Except for… you know, all those limbs.

“I walked towards the bus and got in. I sat there, crying, and the bus driver looked over his shoulder. A man with scars all over his face. With ice cold eyes. He grinned and said, “Was it soon enough?””

Gasp! You mean that the guy that we never heard about was actually the guy we know nothing about the whole time?! IT’S SO POINTLESSLY EXCITING!

So! That was “When A School Trip Goes Wrong”! How was it?

… Well, it wasn’t fucking creepy, I’ll say that much!

It was… just, you know, competent. It wasn’t descriptive, but it wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t too cliched, the twist was sorta okay- it was, in other words, incredibly boring and mediocre.

But enough about my sex life, what about the Creepypasta!