Internet Campfire Tales: BEN Drowned, A Creepypasta Review

I’ve always wanted to gather my fifteen part review of BEN Drowned into one place, so, here you go!

Yeah, we’re doing this one. It’s one of the most popular Creepypastas ever made, about one of the most popular video games ever made, I’m an internet reviewer, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

HIT IT.

So yeah, welcome to Internet Campfire Tales! And… yeah, BEN Drowned is kind of a big one, to the point that even before I knew what a Creepypasta was, I had heard of it. And we’re going to be taking this one in parts, because JESUS FUCK ME IN THE EAR this one is wordy.

Ahem!

“Post #1 (Sept. 7, 2010) Okay, /x/, I need your help with this. This is not copypasta, this is a long read, but I feel like my safety or well-being could very well depend on this. This is video game related, specifically Majora’s Mask, and this is the creepiest shit that has ever happened to me in my entire life.”

Now this is a story about how my life got flipped, turned upside down…

“Having said that, I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play.”

‘But he also gave me a copy of Superman 64 so me and that stoma-sucking ass-raptor are no longer on speaking terms.’

“I was stoked, to say the least, I could finally play all of those old games of my youth that I hadn’t touched in at least a decade.”

… You’ve never heard of an emulator, huh.

“His Nintendo 64 came with one yellow controller and a rather shoddy copy of Super Smash Brothers, and while beggars can’t be choosers, needless to say it didn’t take long until I became bored of beating up LVL 9 CPUs.”

So I decided to romance them instead, and lemme tell you, nobody gives good oral like a liquored-up Zelda. Or possibly Sheik, I forget.

“That weekend I decided to drive around a few neighborhoods about twenty minutes or so off campus, hitting up the local garage sales, hoping to score on some good deals from ignorant parents).”

… WHERE DID THAT MISSING PARENTHESES COME FROM.

I HAVE TO KNOW.

“I ended up picking up a copy of Pokemon Stadium, Goldeneye (fuck yeah), F-Zero, and two other controllers for two dollars. Satisfied, I began to drive out of the neighborhood when one last house caught my attention. I still have no idea why it did, there were no cars there and only one table was set up with random junk on it, but something sort of drew me there.”

Maybe it was because of the simple, home-spun charm, maybe it was the delightful, schoolboy twinkle in the shopkeeper’s eyes, or maybe it was the entire washing machine full of used butt plugs…

Ladies.

“I usually trust my gut on these things so I got out of the car and I was greeted by an old man.”

Bootman Bill in twenty years.

“His outward appearance was, for lack of a better word, displeasing. It was odd, if you asked me to tell you why I thought he was displeasing, I couldn’t really pinpoint anything – there was just something about him that put me on edge, I can’t explain it.”

Looks like they somehow managed to perfectly encapsulated my love-life.

“All I can tell you is that if it wasn’t in the middle of the afternoon and there were other people within shouting distance, I would not have even thought of approaching this man.”

Yep, throw in some recoiling in fear, mace, and stammered apologies, and you might as well have my love life summarized to a T.

“He flashed a crooked smiled at me and asked what I was looking for, and immediately I noticed that he must be blind in one of his eyes; his right eye had that “glazed over” look about it.”

Mmm… glazed… man, can we stop for donuts after this Creepypasta? I’m suddenly in the mood for some Tim Horton’s eyeballs.

“I forced myself to look to his left eye instead, trying not to offend, and asked him if he had any old video games.”

Oh, so in other words, he looked away with his bad eye, and he looked at you straight on with his good eye and he told you that he doesn’t know nothin’ about it?

…

Good god, nobody gets my references. NONE OF YOU ARE HIP TO MY UNIQUE COMIC STYLINGS.

“I was already wondering how I could politely excuse myself from the situation when he would tell me he had no idea what a video game was, but to my surprise he said he had a few ones in an old box. He assured me he’d be back in a “jiffy” and turned to head back into the garage. As I watched him hobble away, I couldn’t help but notice what he was selling on his table.”

‘And I totally didn’t check out his ass or anything! … Nice.’

“Littered across his table were rather… peculiar paintings; various artworks that looked like ink blots that a psychiatrist might show you.”

Yes, after Watchmen, Rorschach retired to a life of art and Zelda games!

“Curious, I looked through them – it was obvious why no one was visiting this guy’s garage sale, these weren’t exactly aesthetically pleasing.”

Um. Considering that a Rorschach test is supposed to be an analysis of one’s own psychological profile, finding them to be unpleasant to look at is… unintentionally revealing.

“As I came to the last one, for some reason it looked almost like Majora’s Mask – the same heart-shaped body with little spikes protruding outward. Initially I just thought that since I was secretly hoping to find that game at these garage sales, some Freudian bullshit was projecting itself into the ink blots, but given the events that happened afterward I’m not so sure now. I should have asked the man about it. I wish I would have asked the man about it.”

‘Because then I would have had an excuse to look deep into those dark blue eyes, and fall in to his muscled yet gentle arms and I MEAN HE’S UGLY AND STUPID AND I HATED HIM UM OF COURSE I’M TOTALLY NOT HIDING A CRUSH OR ANYTHING.’

“After staring at the Majora-shaped blot, I looked up and the old man was suddenly there again, arms-length in front of me, smiling at me. I’ll admit I jumped out of reflex and I laughed nervously as he handed me a Nintendo 64 cartridge.”

‘… And his phone number.’

“It was the standard grey color, except that someone had written Majora on it in black permanent marker. I got butterflies in my stomach as I realized what a coincidence this was and asked him how much he wanted for it.”

‘And that’s when he started unbuttoning his pants…’

“The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free, that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn’t live here anymore.”

‘Did… did he die?’

‘Oh, fuck no, I kicked his ass out.’

“There was something weird about how the man phrased that, but I didn’t really pay any attention to then, I was too caught up in not only finding this game but getting it for free.”

I love how in Creepypastas, whenever something really weird starts happening, their response is to pay less attention to them, not more. ‘Oh, what’s that? You sound like you’re giving me some dead kid’s copy of Majora’s Mask WELL FUCK THAT PEEPS I GOTS ME SOME ZELDA TO PLAY.’

“I reminded myself to be a bit skeptical since this looked like a pretty shady cartridge and there’s no guarantee it would work, but then the optimist inside me interjected that maybe it was some kind of beta version or pirated version of the game and that was all I needed to be back on cloud nine.”

… Ahem.

The defense rests, your honor.

“I thanked the man and the man smiled at me and wished me well, saying “Goodbye then!” – at least that’s what it sounded like to me. All the way in the car-ride home, I had a nagging doubt that the man had said something else.”

He said, ‘Please don’t turn this in to the lazy, uninspired set-up for a thousand gaming Creepypastas the world over’. No, seriously, it’s like a fucking epidemic. I’ll give one hundred bucks, no questions, to the woman who can come up with a new way to get haunted video games.

“My fears were confirmed when I booted up the game (to my surprise it worked just fine) and there was one save file named simply “BEN”. “Goodbye Ben”, he was saying “Goodbye Ben”. I felt bad for the man, obviously a grandparent and obviously going senile, and I – for some reason or another – reminded him of his grandson “Ben”.”

And yes, for all those wondering, I checked. Gamecube information was saved on the game cartridges, not any kind of memory card. … B- by which I mean I knew that immediately! I have an encyclopedic knowledge of all Nintendo consoles, o- of course!

“Out of curiosity I looked at the save file. Eyeballing it, I could tell that he was pretty far in the game – he had almost all of the masks and 3/4 remains of the bosses. I noticed that he had used an owl statue to save his game, he was on Day 3 and by the Stone Tower Temple with hardly an hour left before the moon would crash.”

Yeeeeeah, I have only the vaguest notion of how Majora’s Mask works, so this is not going to be the most in depth review.

“I remember thinking that it was a shame that he had come so close to beating the game but he never finished it. I made a new file named “Link” out of tradition and started the game, ready to relive my childhood.”

Pssh, what kind of LOSER relives his childhood?

*camera pans to vast collection of Kim Possible paraphernalia.*

… Say nothing.

“For such a shady looking game cartridge, I was impressed at how smoothly it ran – literally just like a retail copy of the game save for a few minor hiccups here and there (like textures being where they shouldn’t be, random flashes of cutscenes at odd intervals, but nothing too bad). However the only thing that was a little unnerving was that at times the NPCs would call me “Link” and at other times they would call me “BEN”.”

You know, maybe it’s my experience with Creepypastas, but the SECOND a game of mine started glitching, I would IMMEDIATELY light it on fire and purge the dark spirits.

… I have gone through a lot of copies of Fallout: New Vegas.

“I figured it was just a bug – a fluke in the programming causing our files to get mixed up or something. It did kind of creep me out though after a while, and it was around after I had beaten the Woodfall Temple that I regrettably went into the save files and deleted “BEN” (I had intended to preserve the file just out of respect of the game’s original owner, it’s not like I needed two files anyway), hoping that that would solve the problem.”

‘And now they all call me “The Artist Formally Known As BEN”.’

“It did and it didn’t, now NPCs wouldn’t call me anything, where my name should be in the dialogue there was just a blank space (my save file name was still called “Link”, though). Frustrated, and with homework to do, I put the game down for a day.”

‘Homework’ is actually just his word for ‘masturbation’. And so is ‘BEN’, incidentally, which makes this whole story really awkward.

“I started playing the game again last night, getting the Lens of Truth and working my way towards completing the Snowhead Temple. Now, some of you more hardcore Majora’s Mask players know about the “4th Day” glitch – for those who don’t you can Google it but the jist of it is that right as the clock is about to hit 00:00:00 on the final day, you talk to the astronomer and look through the telescope. If you time it right the countdown disappears and you essentially have another day to finish whatever you were doing.”

… I’ll take your word for it, chief.

“Deciding to do the glitch to try and finish the Snowhead Temple, I happened to get it right on the first try and the time counter at the bottom disappeared.”

Today is a very clippy day, huh.

“However, when I pressed B to exit the telescope, instead of being greeted by the astronomer I found myself in the Majora boss fight room at the end of the game (the trippy boxed in arena) staring at Skull Kid hovering above me.”

‘Starring… right up his skirt oh god why does it look like that.’

“There was no sound, just him floating in the air above me, and the background music which was regular for the area (but still creepy). Immediately my palms began to sweat – this was definitely not normal.”

‘Seriously, why does it look like that?! Is… is it purple?! The fuck?!’

“Skull Kid NEVER appeared here. I tried moving around the area, and no matter where I went, Skull Kid would always be facing me, looking at me, not saying anything.”

Gotta hate it when the S.O. is givin’ you the old silent treatment. Maybe you need to get Skull Kid some flowers, ask about his feelings?

“Nothing would happen though, and this kept up for around sixty seconds. I thought the game had bugged or something – but I was beginning to doubt that very much.”

Wait, you didn’t think it was a bug any more? Why? Did your mind just immediately jump to, “Welp, guess it’s the devil.”?

“I was about to reach for the reset button when text appeared on my screen: “You’re not sure why, but you apparently had a reservation…” I instantly recognized that text – you get that message when you get the Room Key from Anju at the Stock Pot Inn, but why was it playing here? I refused to entertain the notion that it was almost as if the game was trying to communicate with me.”

Soooo you don’t think it’s a bug, but you immediately discount the idea that it could be communicating? You have a very strange idea of “plausible”, sir or ma’am.

“I started navigate the room again, testing to see if that was some sort of trigger that enabled me to interact with something here, then I realized how stupid I was – to even think that someone could reprogram the game like this was absurd.”

Well, I’m certainly not going to disagree with the “how stupid you are” part!

“Sure enough, fifteen seconds later another message appeared on the screen, and again like the first one it was already a pre-existing phrase “Go to the lair of the temple’s boss? Yes/No”.”

That is the WORST metaphor for sex.

“I paused for a second, contemplating what I should press and how the game would react, when I realized that I couldn’t select no.”

Wait, you “couldn’t”? You never even tried! Or did you just figure it’s a social faux pas? 

“Taking a deep breath, I pressed Yes and the screen faded to white, with the words “Dawn of a New Day” with the subtext “||||||||” beneath it.”

Oh, fuck, you pissed off Missingno.!

“Where I was ported to filled me with the most intense sense of dread and impending fear I had ever experienced.”

… Wisconsin?

Well, I guess that was BEN Drowned! And you know, I don’t really see why- oh, what’s that? That’s STILL not the end?

…

How fucking long IS this?!

…

ELEVEN THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN WORDS?!

…

*pinch bridge of nose between fingers*

“The only way I can describe the way I felt here is having this feeling of inexplicable depression on a profound scale.”

Yeah, welcome to the world of video reviewing.

“I am normally not a depressed person, but the way I felt here was a feeling that I didn’t even knew existed – it was such a twisted, powerful presence that seemed to wash over me.”

And of course, turning the game off never even occurs to him.

“I appeared in some kind of weird twilight-zone version of Clock Town. I walked out of the Clock Tower (as you normally do when you start from Day 1) only to find that all of the inhabitants were gone. Usually with the 4th Day glitch you can still find the guards and the dog that runs around outside the tower – this time they were all gone.”

Wait, wait, no no, take it back a bit- “Twilight Zone” version? What the fuck does that mean? Did you exit the Clock Tower and walk straight in to Rod Serling, eating entire buckets of cigarettes?

“What replaced them was the ominous feeling that there was something out there, in the same area as me and that it was watching me. I had four hearts to my name and the Hero’s Bow, but at this point I wasn’t even considered for my avatar, I felt that I personally was in some kind of danger.”

… YOU ARE NOT A SMART PERSON. 

“Perhaps the most chilling thing was the music – it was the Song of Healing, ripped straight from the game itself, but played in reverse.”

‘Link is a dead man, miss him, miss him…’

“The music would get louder, building up so as if you should expect something to pop out at you, but nothing ever did, and the constant loop began to wear on my mental state.”

So fucking mute it. I swear, protagonists in these gaming Creepypastas are a special brand of stupid. A very special brand. A very special soup brand. Like, bargain bin, no name, past it’s expiration date, wouldn’t prop up a table with it brand. If somebody made me this soup, I would pour it all over their head and ask them to call me Campbell.

[Editor’s Note: … That metaphor got away from you, huh.]

I don’t think it did.

Pictured: THIS VIDEO GAME. Maybe. Is it me?

“Every now and then I would hear the faint laugh of the Happy Mask Salesman in the background, just quiet enough so that I wasn’t sure if I just hearing things but just loud enough to keep me determined to find him.”

Yeah, okay, I’ll buy that, the Happy Mask Salesman is fucking terrifying.

“I looked in all four zones of Clock Town, only to find nothing…. No one. Textures were missing, West Clock Town had me walking on air, the entire area felt… broken. Hopelessly broken.”

Man, “Hopelessly Broken” is the worst porn star, I have no idea how he’s still getting work.

“As the reverse Song of Healing repeated for what must have been the 50th time, I just remember standing in the middle of South Clock Town realizing that I had never felt so alone in a video game before.”

‘DING DING DING’

‘… Right. Fuck. Tatl is still here.’

‘DING DING DING’

‘Y- yeah, sure, I love you too, dear.’

“As I walked through the ghost town, I don’t know whether it was the combination of the out of place textures and the atmosphere and the haunting melody of the once peaceful and soothing song being butchered and distorted, but I was literally on the verge of tears and I had no idea why.”

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘DING DING DING’

‘GODDAMMIT TATL YOU ARE NOT HELPING.’

… Goddammit, internet, is there anything you won’t draw sexy fan art of? Also, if she doesn’t actually have genitals, do I have to censor this?

“I hardly ever cry, something had gripped me here and this powerful sense of depression that was both foreign and crippling.”

What a coincidence! That’s how I react whenever I play a Zelda game too!

“I tried leaving Clock Town, but every time I attempted to zone out, the screen would fade to black and I would just zone in to another part of Clock Town. I tried playing my Ocarina, I wanted to escape, and I did NOT want to be here, but every time I played the Song of Time or Song of Soaring it would only say “Your notes echo far, but nothing happens”. By this point, it was obvious the game didn’t want me to leave, but I had no idea why it was keeping me here.”

For the surprise party, obviously.

“I didn’t want to go inside the buildings, I felt that I would be too vulnerable there to whatever I was terrified of. I don’t know why, but I came up with the idea that maybe if I drowned myself at the Laundry Pool I could spawn somewhere else and leave this place.”

Well, I’m sure the fact that this story is called BEN Drowned has absolutely no relevance to that fact at all.

“As I zoned in and ran towards the pool, that’s when it happened.”

Gasp, was it something completely impossible, like this story dramatically shortening itself so I have less to cover?!

…

No?

…

Well, a man can hope.

“Link grabbed his head, and the screen flashed for a brief moment of the Happy Mask Salesman smiling at me – not Link – me with Skull Kid’s scream playing in the background and when the screen returned I was staring at the Link Statue from playing the song Elegy of Emptiness.”

Pssh, what the hell is that? Eh, probably not that scary-

J- J- J- JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKITY FUCK?!

“I screamed as the thing just stared back at me with that haunting facial expression.”

THAT IS A FUCKING UNDER-REACTION.

“I turned around and ran out and back into South Clock Town, and to my horror the fucking statue followed me in the only way I can compare this is like the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who.”

Gasp! SCP 173, what are you doing here?!

(See, that’s a much cooler reference.)

…

(Oh, and also, BURN IT! BURN IT IN CLEANSING FIRE!)

Well. That helps a little.

“Every so often, at random intervals, the animation would play of the statue appearing behind me. It was like the thing was chasing me, or – I don’t even want to fucking say it – haunting me.”

… Um. Don’t you have a sword in this game? Oh, Mr. Wise And Brilliant Narrator, couldn’t you… I dunno, stab it?

“By this point, I was on the verge of hysterics, but not even once did the thought of turning off the console occur to me, I don’t know why, I was so wrapped up in it – the terror felt all so real. I tried to shake the statue, but it would literally appear right behind me every single time.”

Nice cover, but no, I’m still sticking with the “dumber than a sack of wet hammers” explanation.

“Link started to begin to make weird animations I had never even seen him do before, he would flail his arms around or spasm randomly and the screen would cut to the Happy Mask Salesman smiling again for a brief moment before I was face to face with that fucking statue again.”

But on the bright side, the Happy Mask Salesman isn’t nearly as bad at that statue, right?

… I HAVE RUN OUT OF URINE AND AM NOW PISSING BLOOD OUT OF MY BODY’S BIOLOGICAL URGE TO KEEP URINATING FROM SHEER TERROR.

” I ended up running into the Swordmaster’s Dojo and ran to the back, I don’t know why, but in my panic I just wanted some kind of assurance that I’m not alone here. To my dismay I found no one, but as I turned to leave the statue cornered me in the cubby in the back. I tried attacking the statue with my sword but to no avail.”

Freakin’ took you long enough! Oh well, I guess that’s all you could do. Not as if there are any other ways to attack people in Majora’s Mask, right?

…

Why do I feel like you’re all laughing at me?

“Confused, and backed into a corner, I just stared at the statue waiting for it to kill me. Suddenly, the screen flashed again to the Happy Mask Salesman and Link turned to face my screen, standing upright mirroring the statue, looking at me along with his copy.”

And then they burst in to a top tapping rendition of I Think I’m A Clone Now, right?

“Literally staring at me. Whatever was left of the 4th wall was completely shattered while I ran out of the dojo terrified. Suddenly the game warped me to an underground tunnel and the reverse Song of Healing queued up again as I was given a brief moment of rest before the statue started appearing behind me again… this time aggressively – I could only take a few steps before it would summon behind me again.”

Soooo what happens if Link gets caught? Does he die? Get smacked? Gets his data deleted? Is forced to put on real pants? Seriously, why should we be afraid of this guy?

“I hurriedly made my way out of the tunnel and appeared in Southern Clock Town. As I ran aimlessly – in a sheer panic – suddenly a redead screamed and the screen faded to black as “Dawn of a New Day” and “|||||||||” appeared again.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake, it’s looping?! That’s why this thing is so long, it’s like if Lovecraft and M.C. Escher had some kind of gay lovechild!

[Editor’s Note: Is that physically possible?]

Oh my yes. I’ve made diagrams.

[Editor’s Note: … Wha-]

THERE’S A CHART.

“The screen faded in and I was standing on top of Clock Tower with Skull Kid hovering over me again, silent. I looked up and the moon was back, looming just meters above my head, but the Skull Kid just stared at me hauntingly with that fucking mask.”

Ah yes, the Fucking Mask. THE MOST POWERFUL MASK IN MAJORA’S MASK! THE POWER OF DICKS WILL BE YOUR UNDOING!

…

One second, be right back.

…

*whistles innocently*

“A new song was playing – the Stone Tower Temple theme played in reverse.”

“Hello, Hylians. Congratulations. You have just discovered the secret dungeon. Please send your answer to Old Sheik, care of the Deku Tree, Chalfont-”

“In some sort of desperate attempt, I equipped my bow and fired off a shot at the Skull Kid – and it actually hit him and he played an animation of him reeling back.”

Just aim for the head, Link!

[Editor’s Note: Are you talking about his real head, or the giant penises’ head?]

Either or.

“I fired again and on the third arrow, a text box appeared saying “That won’t do you any good. Hee, hee.” and I was picked up off the ground, levitated upwards on my back, and then Link screamed as he burst into flames, instantly killing him.”

I- I- wait, what?! Did Skull Kid just spend an hour playing peek-a-boo, then say fuck it, and just straight up goddamn immolated him?!

… Skull Kid is hardcore.

“I jumped when this happened – I had never seen this move used by ANYONE in the game and Skull Kid himself didn’t HAVE any moves.”

I choose to assume he means dance moves. In which case, there’s only one thing that could stop him now… THE NINJA STYLE DANCER!

“As the death screen played, my lifeless body still burning, the Skull Kid laughed and the screen faded to black, only to have me reappear in the same place. I decided to charge him, but the same thing happened, Link’s body was lifted off the ground by some unknown force and he immediately burst into flames again killing him.”

Man, the Human Torch has gotten weird.

“This time during the death screen the faint sounds of the reverse Song of Healing could be heard.”

“Turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman, turn me on, Linkman…”

“On my third (and final try), I noticed that there was no music playing this time, that all there was was eerie silence.”

Oh, thank god, I’m running out of backward lyrics jokes.

“I remembered that in the original encounter with the Skull Kid you were supposed to use the Ocarina to either travel back in time or summon the giants.”

Wait, what?! Is that a thing that happens?! … WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

“I attempted to play the Song of Time but before I could hit the last note Links body once again horrifically exploded into flames and he died.”

Yeah, the same thing happens any time I try to play a musical instrument.

“As the death screen neared its end, it began to chug, as if the cartridge was trying to process a lot of something….”

Is… is that a four dot ellipsis OH YOU SON OF A BITCH YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD TO ME-

“When the screen came to, it was the same scene as the first three times, except this time Link was lying on the ground dead in a position I had never seen in the game before, his head tilted towards the camera, with the Skull Kid floating above him.”

‘Don’t look up his skirt don’t look up his skirt don’t look up his skirt- oh god is he wearing a thong.’

“I couldn’t move, I couldn’t press any buttons, all I could do is just stare at Link’s dead body. After around thirty seconds of this, the game simply fades out with the message “You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” before kicking you out to the title screen.”

Oh, so you finally don’t have to put up with the scary bit any more! This is where you turn the game off, right?

“Upon getting back to the title screen and starting again, I noticed my save file was no longer there. Instead of “Link”, it was replaced with “YOUR TURN”. “YOUR TURN” had 3 hearts, 0 masks, and no items.”

Gee, yeah, that’s weird, but… turn the game off now. It’s obviously haunted. T- turn it off.

“I selected “YOUR TURN” and immedia-

WHAT?! WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU POSSIBLY DO THAT?! I- I don’t even know- YOU ARE BAD AT EVERYTHING! YOU ARE A BUTT MADE OUT OF SEVERAL SMALLER, SMELLIER BUTTS! 

“I selected “YOUR TURN” and immediately when I did I was returned to the Clock Tower Rooftop scene of my Link dead and the Skull Kid hovering over, with the Skull Kid’s laughing looping again and again.”

OH GEE! IT’S ALMOST AS THOUGH YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TURNED THE FUCKING GAME ON! 

Seriously, anyone who’s looking to write a gaming Creepypasta, write this on monitor in permanent marker so you don’t forget: If “not turning off the game” is a major part of the plot, do not emphasize the terror. Like this; If Judge Judy or whatever the fuck his name is is so terrified, why the hell would he keep playing?! So, if you’re trying this yourself, emphasize the curiosity and wonder of exploring something that, to them, is a once and a lifetime game glitch, with the fear being a subtle undertone. And when you do it like that, you make sure to leave the horror in to sudden burst of terror, because if they’re quick enough, the player wouldn’t be able to turn her game off!

…

Also, um, don’t actually write on your monitor.

“I quickly hit the reset button and when the game booted up again there was one more save file added, below “YOUR TURN”, entitled “BEN”. “BEN”‘s save file is right back where it was before I deleted it, at the Stone Tower Temple with the moon almost crashing.”

I feel a disturbance in the force… as though a million werewolves howled out at once… and were suddenly silenced.

“I turned the game off at that point, I’m not superstitious but this is WAY too fucked up even for me.”

Oh- oh- that’s what’s too fucked up for you?! Oh, okay, so you get haunted by a living statue wearing your face, every single person in the world vanishes, and an eldritch abomination stapled to the face of a living god burns you to death over and over again, and that’s all fine… but effective data recovery is what freaks you the fuck out.

“I haven’t played it at all today, hell, I didn’t even get any sleep last night, I kept hearing the reverse Song of Healing music in my head and just remembering the sense of dread I felt exploring Clock Town. I drove back to the old man’s house today to ask him some questions with a buddy of mine (no way I was going there alone), only to find that there’s a For Sale sign in the front yard and when I rang the door no one was home.”

Aww, darn, I really thought those two crazy kids could make it work.

“So now I’m back here writing down the rest of my thoughts and recording what happened, sorry if some of this has grammatical errors and whatnot, I’m running on no sleep here.”

Oh! Right, before I forget, there actually is a video of Day Four! It’s a nice addition, lets us see exactly what’s going on, even if it does raise the question of how he could possibly be recording the footage on a Nintendo 64 with absolutely no forethought.

“I’m terrified of this game, even more so now that I relived it a second time writing this all down, but I feel like there’s still more to it than meets the eye, and that there’s something calling to me to investigate this further.”

Yep, it’s definitely more than meets the eye. BEN is secretly a Decepticon.

“I think “BEN” is something in this equation, but I don’t know what, and if I could get a hold of the old man then I would be able to find some answers.”

Oh, REALLY. You think BEN has something to do with. Oh gee. You must be a fraggin’ genius.

” I need another day or so to recuperate before tackling this game again, its already taken a toll on my sanity I feel like, but next time I do this I’m going to be recording my footage all the way through. “

Worst Let’s Play ever.

“I’m going to stay in this thread for a little while longer before I fall asleep to answer any questions you guys might have or hopefully listen to your ideas or theories to help me shed some light into this or maybe things I should try to do, I think I’m going to play BEN’s file tomorrow to see what happens, maybe I was supposed to do that all along.”

Now, the biggest question is… where is the proper time to throw in a “B- B- B- BENny And The Drowned” reference?

“I don’t believe in paranormal shit, but this is a little fucked up, but maybe this BEN guy is just a really good hacker/programmer, I don’t want to think about the alternatives if he isn’t.”

Ooooor- and look, here’s a better idea, stop me if you’ve heard it before- Stop playing the haunted fucking game!

“That’s the end of the copy/paste, I’m hoping that maybe this is some kind of running gag the developers had and that other people have gotten “gag” or “hacked” copies of the game like this.”

Eh, certainly sounds like something Valve would do.

“This just really scares me.”

Well, as long as it’s scaring somebody.

Anyway, we’re finally finished part one! Which means we have… seven thousand words left?!

… All I’m saying, if this doesn’t start getting actually scary fast, this entire review may just turn in to drawing dicks on to things that don’t normally have dicks.

“Post #2 (Sept. 8, 2010) I’m going to post what happened and link the video footage, but last night everything got too real for me. I think I’m done messing around with this.”

Oh, please tell me that last bit is a promise.

“I passed out pretty much immediately after making that thread. But last night, that Elegy of Emptiness statue, I had a dream about it”

If you’re going to say it’s a wet dream, I’m shutting this off now.

“I dreamed that it was following me in my dream, that I would be minding my own business when I’d feel my neck hairs stand up on end. I would turn around that thing… that horrible, lifeless statue would be staring with those empty eyes right at me, merely inches away.”

Insert joke about an evil teleporting statue here. Weeping Angel, SCP-173, they’re all good.

“In my dream I remember calling it Ben, and never before had I had a dream that I could remember so vividly. But the important thing is I did get some sleep, I suppose.”

Nice rose tinted glasses, Mr. Judassaramadingdong or whatever the fuck your name is.

“Today, putting off playing the game as long as I could, I drove back up to that neighborhood to see if the old man came back. As I expected, the car was still gone and no one was home. As I was walking back to my car, the man next door mowing the grass killed the power to his lawnmower and asked me if I was looking for someone.”

Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places…

“I told him that I was looking to talk to the old man that lived here, to which he told me what I already knew – he was moving. Trying a different avenue, I asked if the old man had any family or relatives I could talk to. I discovered that this old man had never been married, nor did he have any children or grandchildren through adoption.”

There… there is remarkably little here for me to joke about. Um. Nice weather we’re having, I guess?

“Starting to become worried, I asked one final question, one that I should have asked from the beginning – who was Ben?”

BABY DON’T HURT ME- DON’T HURT ME- NO MORE- wait, no, that’s what was Ben. Never mind, forget that ever happened.

…

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO-

“The man’s expression turned grim and I learned that four doors down around eight years ago on April 23 – the man informed me that it was the same day as his anniversary, that’s how he knew the specific date – there was an accident with a young boy named Ben in the neighborhood.”

He got in one little fight and his mom got scared and said you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Termina…

“Shortly after his parents moved, and despite any further attempts to talk to the man to get more information, he wouldn’t divulge anything else.”

Gah, “divulge”. Screw people getting upset at the word “moist”, DIVULGE is the word we should all be getting fucking grossed out at!

“I went back and started playing again, I loaded up the game and immediately I jumped at the title screen where the mask flies by – the sound that played was not the normal “whoosh” sound, it was something much more higher pitched.”

… Whoosh?

… WHOOSH IS NOT SCARY.

“I pressed start, bracing for the worst, but just like two nights ago, the files “Your Turn” and “BEN” were displayed (truth be told I looked at the BEN file earlier, it seems to fluctuate between displaying the Owl Save and not).”

I really hope “Owl Save” is a real thing, because if not, I am driving back in time and punching everyone at Nintendo in the balls.

[Editor’s Note: What about the ladies?]

They get punched in the balls twice.

“I brought up the BEN file, hesitated for a moment noticing that the stats were not the same as they original were two days ago, it seemed like he had already completed the Stone Tower Temple this time… Summoning my courage I selected it.”

Well, let’s see if we can uncover the dark secrets of this haunted cartridge-

GODDAMMIT BEN.

“Immediately I was thrust into complete chaos.”

Dude, don’t thrust into complete chaos without a condom.

“Sure enough, I was outside Stone Tower Temple, but that’s about all that was expected. The zone itself wasn’t called Stone Tower Temple, but rather “St o n e”, and immediately a dialogue box of complete gibberish that I couldn’t make out greeted me.“

… Soooo am I allowed to make jokes about not being able to make out with a Nintendo game? No? Okay, just checking.

“Link’s body was distorted – his back was cocked violently to the side where his posture was permanently disfigured.”

Hah hah hah! It’s funny because COCKS.

“Link’s expression was dull, almost monotonous, he had an expression on his face that I didn’t recognize before, it was a blank look – as if he was dead.”

Or maybe he was as bored as I am.

“As Link stood there his body spasmed irregularly back and forth I examined what had become of my avatar and noticed I had a C button item I had never seen before, some kind of note, but pressing it did nothing. Sounds played back and forth that I didn’t recognize from the game – almost demonic in nature, and there was some kind of high-pitched yip or some kind of laugh or something playing in the background.”

Oh! Reference to something being demonic, take a shot!

[Editor’s Note: Why, is it a drinking game?]

No, just a very slow suicide.

“I had all of two minutes to take in the environment before another one of those fucking Elegy of Emptiness statues was summoned and immediately after I was cut into the “Dawn of a New Day” screen, except this time it was without the “||||||” subtext.”

Wake up in the morning, followed by a statue, grab Deku mask, I’m out the door, ’bout to hit the moon! Before I leave, write my Pasta with eleven thousand words, ’cause when I’m gonna drown my Ben, I ain’t comin’ back…

“I was a Deku Scrub in Clock Town – this scene would normally play after the first time you traveled back in time. Tatl would say “Wh-What just happened? It’s as if everything has…” but instead of saying “Started over”, she finished her remark in broken text as the laugh of the Happy Mask Salesman played in the background.”

“GODDAMMIT TATL YOU ARE NOT HELPING.”

“I was put back in control of my character, but from a fucked up camera angle – I was looking from behind the door to the Clock Tower, watching my avatar run around as a Deku Scrub.”

I am so glad I have Google to research these terms, because if not, I’d assume the writer was on the kind of drugs that turn in to jet fuel if you wait long enough.

“Seeing as how I really had no place to go because I couldn’t see anything, I begrudgingly went inside the door. There, I was greeted by the Happy Mask Salesman who simply told me “You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” before the screen whited out.”

Gee, sure is a good thing THAT hasn’t become a cliche in Creepypastas, right?

…

R- right?

No, but I’ve met with a terrible cake, does that count?

“I was in Termina field as a human again. I might as well not have been playing the same game anymore – I was being warped around and there was no sign of a day clock or anything. I took a moment to get my bearings as I looked around the field and immediately I could tell that this was not normal.”

… WHAT GAVE IT AWAY?!

“There were no enemies and a twisted version of the Happy Mask Salesman’s theme was playing. I decided to run towards Woodfall before I noticed a gathering of three figures off to the side – one of them being Epona.“

I really can’t describe how boring this is.

It’s a marvel.

Really.

“As I approached them, to my horror I saw the Happy Mask Salesman, the Skull Kid, and the Elegy of Emptiness statue just standing there. I figured maybe they were bugged out, but by now I told myself that I should know better.”

Yeeeeeeah, you really should know better. Seriously, why are you playing this? For the chuckles? Not a lot of porn where you live? Got a Let’s Play you need to finish, seriously, why?

“Nevertheless, I approached them carefully and found that the Skull Kid was playing some kind of idle animation on loop, same with Epona, and the Elegy of Emptiness statue was doing what it has been doing all along – just standing there eerily. It was the Happy Mask Salesman that scared me more profoundly than the other two.”

Actually, oh my god, has anybody done that yet? Think about it, a web series that starts out as a normal Let’s Play… and slowly, the game starts to devolve into an eldritch abomination. SOMEBODY MAKE THAT, GODDAMMIT!

“He too was idle, wearing that shit-eating grin, but where-ever I moved, his head slowly turned and followed me. I had not engaged in any dialogue with him nor was I in combat with him, yet his head still continued to follow my movements.”

Hmm? Oh, right, I’m supposed to be reviewing BEN Drowned. Blah blah blah, whatever.

[Editor’s Note: Aren’t you supposed to be a professional reviewer?]

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL ASS-RAPTOR.

“Reminded of my first encounter with the Skull Kid on top of Clock Tower, I pulled out my Ocarina (to which the game played the ding sound when you’re supposed to play your Ocarina) and tried a song I hadn’t played yet – the Happy Mask Salesman’s own song and the song that had been playing on loop back in Day 4 – the Song of Healing.”

*insert smooth jazz solo*

Huh. That was weird.

“I finished playing the song and as I did, a ear-piercing shriek blasted on my TV, the sky immediately started flashing, the Happy Mask Salesman’s twisted theme song sped up, intensifying the fear inside me, and Link exploded into flames and died.”

‘Not my fault, totally not my fault!’

“The three figures stayed lit up during my death screen as they watched my lifeless body burn. I can’t describe to you how sudden and terrifying the transition from eerie to terror it is, you’re going to have to watch the video if you want to see first-hand.”

Oh, riiiiight, there’s a video for this part too!

Soooo I can stop reviewing this now, right? I can just go home? Pack it iYOUSHOULDN’THAVEDONETHAT

…

Wait, what the hell was that?

“That same fear that caused me to lose sleep two days ago started to grip me again as I was met with the text “You’ve met with a horrible fate, haven’t you?” for the third time. There has to be some kind of meaning behind that.”

Sorry, man, I am not nearly drunk enough to try and decipher this crap.

“I had little time to ponder as I was immediately given another small cut-scene of transforming into a Zora and now I found myself in Great Temple Bay. Hesitant but curious to see what the game had in store for me, I slowly made my way towards the beach, where I found Epona.”

I’m going to assume “Epona” is a kind of pony, but I can’t discount the possibility that it’s actually some kind of Hylian strip club.

“I wondered why the game had decided to put her here, was the game implying she was trying to get a drink?”

Okay, fine, it’s most definitely a pony.

… Dammit.

“Unable to take the mask off, I decided that riding the steed wasn’t the reason she was placed there.”

SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A ZORA! WHAT- WHAT! SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A ZORA!

…

I will write a full BEN Drowned parody of that song, if my ransom demands are not met by the stroke of midnight.

“Suddenly I realized that Epona kept neighing and the way she was angled made it look like she was trying to signal a point to me off in the distance. It was a hunch, but I dove into Great Bay and started swimming.”

Actually, now that I think about it, what IS a Zora?

… Terrifying. The answer to that question is “terrifying”.

“Sure enough – I almost missed it – I found something at the bottom of the ocean; one last Elegy of Emptiness statue. I went down to examine it and suddenly my Zora started doing a choking animation I had never seen a Zora do before – which didn’t even make sense because Zora’s can breath underwater.”

Well, maybe your Zora is just dying because he realizes what a monumentally stupid idea that was seriously the one time in this entire fucking story that you’re not being followed by that fucking statue AND YOU DECIDED THAT YOU SHOULD JUST GO AND POKE HIM WITH A STICK?! YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT!

“Regardless, my character choked to death and died, and again the statue was the only thing that was highlighted in my death. I didn’t re-spawn this time, I was booted back to the main menu as if I restarted the console.”

This is where you shut the console off, right- oh, who am I kidding, Jadusable wouldn’t do something sensible if it was bent over with it’s pants around it’s ankles.

“The “press start” screen was before me, I knew the only reason why it would put me here is because the save files had changed again. Taking a deep breath, I pressed start, and I was right. The new save files told me about Ben.”

Oh, yeah- in case you didn’t watch the video last time, the shocking reveal was that the save file changed to “DROWNED”. And the other one is BEN, get it? BEN DROWNED? Heh? Heh? It’s clever, or at least, it would be if that wasn’t the fucking title.

“Now it made sense why the statue appeared when I tried to go to the Laundry Pool – the game must have anticipated how I would have tried to escape the Day 4 Clock Town. The two save files told me his fate. As I suspected, Ben was dead. He had drowned.”

The Duh heard around the world.

“The game obviously isn’t through with me – it taunts me with the new save files – it wants me to keep playing, it wants me to go further, but I’m done with this shit.”

Is that a promise?

“I’m not touching any more of the files. This is already way too horrifying for me and I don’t even believe in the paranormal, but I’m running out of explanations. Why would someone send me this message?”

Spoiler alert: This is all a set-up for the most romantic marriage proposal ever.

…

Wait, are there actually BEN Drowned romance fanfictions? Holy fuck, thereactually are! Why aren’t I reviewing those?!

WHAT A SEXY BEAST says a small portion of the internet whom I never, ever want to meet.

“I don’t understand it, I just get too depressed thinking about this, the footage is up here for those who want to see it and try and analyze it (maybe there’s some kind of coded message in the gibberish or something symbolic in what I went through – I’m too emotionally and mentally drained to fuck with it anymore).”

‘Emotionally and mentally draining’ – what a great phrase to describe this review.

And… holy fuck, we did it! PART TWO: DONE! And the story is finally starting to get interesting! AND WE ONLY HAVE FIVE THOUSAND WORDS LEFT!

… Wait, why am I happy about that.

“Post #3 (Sept. 10, 2010) I know its early in the morning, I’ve stayed up all night, I can’t sleep, I don’t care if people see this, that’s not the point, I just want the word to get spread so I don’t suffer for nothing.”

That- wow, that right there, bam. You have just summarized every single review I’ve ever made. Hell, we could rename Trash Humpers that and we’d save everyone some time and trouble.

“I’ve lost the will to type about this, the less I dwell on this the better, I think the video just speaks for itself.”

Oh right, that reminds me! The segments stop going into the details about the haunted gaming at this point, and instead lets the videos speak for themselves. Which on the bright side, means that I have less boring crap to bother with! And on the other hand, now you have to actually watch a video. Those slave drivers.

… Oh, fuck me, it’s six minutes long. Okay, so if you don’t want to have to sit through it: HE PLAYS MAJORA’S MASK AND SPOOKY STUFF HAPPENS! There, just saved you a few minutes that you’d never get back.

“I did what you guys told me to do, I played the Elegy of Emptiness song at the first prompt by the game I was given, but I think that’s what the game or Ben (Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m even humoring the absurd idea that he exists in the game) wanted me to do.”

Yeah, that’s your problem, buddy. Everybody knows some good ol’ Ray Parker Jr. is the only thing to clear out ghosts.

“He’s following me now, not just in the game, he’s in my dreams.”

Second worst wet dream ever.

“I see him all the time, behind my back, just watching me.”

You are a special kind of crazy, huh, kid.

“I haven’t gone to any of my classes, I’ve stayed in my dorm room with the windows closed and the blinds shut – that way I know he can’t watch me.”

So, because you were scared that your copy of Majora’s Mask was spying on you… you locked yourself in the room with it.

…

GLaDOS, you wanna field that one?

Thank you!

“But he still gets me when I play, when I play he can still see me.”

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake… Man. BEN is just the worst Santa. Instead of coal, gives you Missingno.

“The game is scaring me now. It talked to me for the first time – not just using text that’s already in the game – it spoke to me. Talked to me. It referenced Ben. It talked to me.”

… Oh gee, look at my watch, it’s ‘you’re a fucking loony’ o’clock.

“I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what it wants. I never wanted this, I just want my old life back.”

Seriously, I’m not the only one confused by this, right? How did he lose his mind so quickly? It’s- it’s just a messed up game, dude. Chill the fuck out.

“Stuff like this doesn’t happen to people like me, I’m just a kid, not even old enough to drink yet.”

Wait, really? Damn, that means all the erotic slash fiction I just wrote is really awkward.

“It’s not fair, I want to go home, I want to see my parents again, I’m so far away from home here at this school, I just want to hug my mom again.”

… I’m starting to wonder just how much of this is ghosts, and how much of it is just this guy’s own mental breakdown.

“I just want to forget that statue’s horrible blank face. My original game file is back – just the way I left it before it was gone.”

Almost as though it was never gone to begin with…

Wow, actually, my whole “this guy was crazy to begin with” theory is starting to make a lot of sense.

“I don’t want to play anymore. I feel like something bad will happen if I don’t, but that’s impossible, it’s a video game – haunted or not it can’t hurt me, right?”

Which… kind of makes this bit way more disturbing, actually. It goes from “guy driven crazy by Skull Kid” to “guy trapped inside his own madness and compulsion to view a harmless and broken game cartridge as  his own personal hell”…

“Like seriously though, it can’t, right? That’s what I keep telling myself, but every time I think about it I’m not so sure.”

Oh thank god, part three is over. Or as I call it, the part where I make myself… really freakin’ depressed.

…

*confetti*

“Post #4 (Sept. 12, 2010) Let me just clear things up – I know you guys are worried but “jadusable” is okay.”

Um. Wait, what?

“He finished moving out today and he said he’s going back home, he’s just taking this semester off.”

Oh, okay! This is a different narrator now! One who is presumably less crazy!

“I’m not really sure what’s happened; I have a vague idea but you guys probably know more than I do.”

Well, if you wanted to know what was going on, why don’t you just read his blog posts?

…

Oh, right. Nobody reads blogs. Moving on.

“I’m “jadusable’s” roommate and obviously I knew something was wrong with him for a few days now. He stayed in his room all the time, fell out of contact with literally all of his friends, and I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been eating hardly anything, after the second day I couldn’t stay in there anymore, so I’ve been crashing at a buddy’s place, only coming in to my room to get stuff that I need.”

So, because he was hiding away and not making contact with anyone… you had to move away from him?

Either you’re very poorly written, or… something is off here.

“I tried talking to him several times but he would cut me off or keep the conversation brief when I asked him about his strange behavior, it like he was convinced something was hunting him.”

And so he decided to lock himself in the one room with the thing that is hunting him OKAY I’M NOT EVEN TELLING JOKES ANY MORE I’M JUST LISTING PLOT HOLES.

“Yesterday I came to grab my philosophy book and he approached me, looking awful, like horrible bags under his eyes. He handed me a flash drive and gave me specific instructions.”

‘This is my porn. You must throw it into the fires of Mount Do-Me…’

…

Actually, that’s a good point. There isn’t actual BEN Drowned porn, right-

– OH SWEET BUTTERY FUCK WHERE’S MY EYE BLEACH.

“He told me that he needs me to do one last favor for him – he finally explained to me what has been going on, gave me the account info to his YouTube account, and told me that he’s getting away from here, that it lured him to play it again instead of trying to change things and that he shouldn’t of done that, and to upload the footage and inform people what happened.”

And to write a Creepypasta so long that you could use it as a dildo if you wanted?

“I told him that he could do it himself and he got this wild look in his eye and told me that he is never looking at that game again, and that’s the last thing he said to me, he never even said bye when his parents came to pick him up. I never even got to meet his parents.”

Spoiler alert, his parents are secretly Link and Zelda.

“I honestly cant tell you what happened, when he spoke it was kind of hard to understand him and his fucked up appearance really distracted me.”

I swear to god, Pasta, if you make me reference Jeff The Killer, I will find a way to hurt you. I will print this off, all eleven thousand words, just so I could light it on fire.

“On the flash drive there was the footage of the game last night, a text document with his name and password for YouTube, and a third document called TheTruth.txt containing what he told me were “his notes” that he’d taken.”

‘And something called ‘Brighter Future’…”

“He told me that this meant everything to him that I follow his instructions exactly, normally I wouldn’t be so ‘to-the-letter’ for request over a fucking video game, but the way he spoke and the way he looked made me know this was really serious, and I’m going to honor that.”

… Do these guys ever go to class?

“I’ve had this video since yesterday, but had to have someone help me use pinnacle, that’s not really my forte.”

Pinnacle?! Pssh, I’ll stick with real video editing software, like Adobe Premier Pro CC, thank you very much!

[Editor’s Note: Great, you just hit pretension Nirvana.]

I think I just snobgasmed.

“That after watching it I had to go back through and look at his other videos on his YouTube account to realize what was going on and even then I’m really really confused.”

At least you’re not this bored.

“The video I’m releasing tonight, TheTruth.txt will be released on September 15 just like he requested. I haven’t dared peek at it yet, so the first time I see it will be the first time you see it out of respect to my friend. To answer your questions, no, I haven’t tried calling him yet, I think I’ll give him a call tomorrow to see if hes okay or not. He should have gotten back home by now.”

If my review of The Rake taught me anything, he’ll have somehow crashed his car into a lake in the intervening time.

“I AM BAD AT THINGS.”

“About the video: in this video I cut straight to when he loaded the “BEN” file in the game, looking back I realized that jadusable left the save select screen in because it said different names sometimes, so my bad for that, but all it said this time was the same at the end of his last video (Link and BEN), nothing different.”

Oh, right, there’s another video. Here you go, have a ball. Tell me how it goes, I’m not in the mood to run through another episode of “I’m Having Fun With A Copy Of Adobe Premier- What’s That, I’m Supposed To Be Scary?”.

“I wasn’t there when he played it, but it looks to me like in the beginning when he first spawns he’s testing out his equipment or seeing what items he has or something, because apparently they’ve changed randomly before. Then, after that I just think the game got too personal for him.”

“Too personal”? What, did the game send him  a dick pic or something?

“Post #5 (Sept. 15, 2010) Hey, guys. “Jadusable” here. This will be the last time you will be hearing from me, and this is my final gift to you – these are the notes that I have taken and the realizations I’ve made.”

So, I guess this is Jadusable again, so we’re not talking to the mysterious roommate? Who I’m still betting five bucks is going to turn out to be a hallucination or Bruce Willis or some crap?

“Before I delve into this, I want to thank you for following me and thank you for listening, it feels like the weight of a powerful burden is about to be lifted.”

The first person to make a “do you even lift” joke is going to get anally ‘motivated’ by a Mack truck.

“Ladies.”

“By the time you read this I won’t be around anymore, but after spending four days with this maddening game, I have begun to understand what’s really at play here and hopefully after reading this we can ensure that this never happens again.”

… I’m willing to bet turning the game off has still never occurred to him.

“There are things that I could not share with you while this was going on due to the circumstances to which I’ll explain. With Ben blocking any attempt I made to try and relay the truth to you, I tried, ever so subtly, to warn you guys in various ways.”

Wait… “blocking any attempt to try and relay the truth to you”?

…

He let you WRITE A BLOG.

“Amidst the chaos and my delirium, I devised a make a barely noticeable pattern in my videos.”

Yeah, and then you devised A make a weird-ass spelling mistake?

[Editor’s Note: Are YOU, of all people, making fun of other people’s spelling mistake?]

It’s the naked and erect leading the blind, etcetera, etcetera, fuck you.

“In all five videos I recorded over the four days, I have either had the Mask of Truth, interacted with a Gossip Stone, or the Lens of Truth equipped at some point. For you Zelda enthusiasts these are all symbols of honesty and trustworthiness and I would hope that one of you may have picked up on the reference.”

It’s like a… mildly worse version of The DaVinci Code? 

“As I played the file which I would name “BEN”, being mindful of how Ben was watching over my every move in the game, I made a point to avoid doing anything too obvious, but I sent out a hidden message to you guys – I never equipped the Lens nor the Mask nor visited a stone.”

I’m going to assume somebody out there knows what the balls he’s talking about, because as far as I’m concerned, he might as well be freestyle rapping for all the sense he’s making.

“This is a story all about how my game got flipped turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute while BEN gets drowned, and tell you how I became the soulless mind controlled shell of my former self wait oh god this joke got sad.”

“It worked, and the video was uploaded. I prayed that someone would notice the pattern didn’t apply to BEN.”

What the hell are you talking about, “applying to BEN”? Isn’t BEN, like, the cartridge? Or the game file? Or the ghost? So how could a pattern made out of equipping certain items possibly apply to him?! Or, since he IS the game, how could it not apply to him?!

“The tags followed suit too, I hope you guys paid attention to those as well. They were my little messages to you – nothing big enough that would catch Ben’s attention or make him suspect anything – with Ben manipulating and changing my files, I honestly hope that what you guys saw was close to what actually happened, but there is no way for me to know.”

Yeeeeeah fuck you, I’m not going to go check your tags. You don’t pay me enough.

[Editor’s Note: … We don’t pay you anything.]

AND THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM!

“This may be a long read, I don’t have time to proof-read or make all of my research pretty.”

Oh, why start now?

“But here it all is. September 6, 2010 11:00pm – Can’t believe what happened, not sure if this is some kind of elaborate hoax, despite the fear I can’t help but be exceptionally curious about this. Who or what is the statue? Lot of questions here. I’m starting this document as a “diary” so I can keep track of everything. I’m typing up a summary of what happened so I can come back to it later.”

… Fuck me, the Pasta’s looping itself.

“September 7, 2010 2:10am – (Summary was posted here, you can go back and look at my first post for day four.wmv for that)”

Cough cough cough.

“4:23am – I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying so hard but the harder I try I just get more restless. I just feel like that statue is appearing whenever I close my eyes.”

Annnnd cue SCP 173 reference!

… Actually, that’s a good point. Considering how the SCP Foundation and Creepypastas move in the same circles, has somebody made a BEN and SCP 173 cross-over yet?

[Editor’s Note: Actually, they have!]

Really? Well, let’s take a look-

… Um. Wow. That is… that’s pretty bad, but you know, I don’t want to try and insult somebody for just having fun with their creative past-time. An admittedly anti-Semitic and homophobic past-time with terrible vocals and rhyming, but still-

[Editor’s Note: There’s an entire YouTube channel made out of these things.]

… Well gee, look at the time, it’s fuck you o’clock.

“8:20am – Didn’t sleep at all, just going to start my day. I don’t think I have the energy to go to class today, I’m going to drive back down to talk to that old man, taking my buddy Tyler with me just in case.”

Wait, this guy has friends?!

SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF: GONE.

“1:18pm – Back home now. No sign of the old man, really weird that he appears to be moving the next day, but maybe the For Sale sign was up there yesterday and I just didn’t notice it. Tyler wants to know what’s gotten me all worked up, I didn’t tell him. Going to eat, feel like death.”

That’s fine, just make sure you’re not feeling up Death.

Because she may be the physical personification of mortality itself, but she’s still a lady, and you should treat her like one.

“3:46pm – Could’ve sworn driving back from Subway that I saw the Elegy statue buried in some shrubbery staring at me go by. Now I definitely, definitely need sleep.”

What.

…

WHAT?! You saw the terrifying Lovecraftian nightmare statue in real life?! That’s not a “I definitely need sleep” moment, that’s a “round up the villagers and fetch some fucking pitchforks and torches” moment!

“5:00pm – Don’t think a lot of people would believe me if I told them about what’s happening, think I’m going to try posting this on the internet. Think I’ll just use the summary, these notes are pretty sporadic.”

Annnnd you never thought to mention seeing the Elegy statue in real life in your summary?! Isn’t that a tad more important than “I have a copy of Majora’s Mask that’s made some serious mistakes in life”?!

“6:00pm – Connected my capture card to my computer to upload the footage. Thought my computer froze for a second, made this strange popping sound when I hooked everything up, but now it seems to be working fine again. My computer can’t die on me now.”

Well. Isn’t that ominous.

“7:00pm – Footage is finished uploading. The quality’s a lot better than I thought it would be, gee, guess this is a really special cartridge, I’ve never had it come through this clear before.”

You’re really not picking up on the whole “this is clearly possessed” thing, are you? I bet if it was you in Amityville 4, you would have taken about six more sequels before you finally realized it was the lamp.

… Don’t ask.

“8:45pm – Thought I saw an icon pop up on my desktop that looked like the statue’s face for a split second, gave me quite a scare. Getting really unnerved and delirious, I’m going to crash after this.”

I love how this is basically just describing your basic Imscared playthrough.

“9:00pm – Begin uploading my YouTube video on an alternate account.”

And of course, like every YouTube video, it takes about 16 hours before it gets close to finishing then it crashes and forces you to start the upload and then you can’t post up your 1000th post on time and YES I AM STILL BITTER OVER THAT.

“9:03pm – I don’t remember having uploaded a Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines video last year. This was probably the account that I shared with a friend of mine last summer, I hope he doesn’t mind me using it to upload this.”

If this is going to turn in to a Marik Plays Bloodlines crossover, I’m giving this Creepypasta five stars.

“9:55pm – Posting my summary of Day Four with a link to the YouTube video. Going to try to stay awake but I am sooooo tired right now.”

I suppose that means that I should post a link to the YouTube video- hah hah hah, just fucking with you! Me, making things mildly convenient for people? You’ve got a lot to learn!

“September 8, 2010 10:48am – I had a dream about the statue. I dreamed that it was following me in my dream, that I would be minding my own business when I’d feel my neck hairs stand up on end. I would turn around that thing… that horrible, lifeless statue would be staring with those empty eyes right at me, merely inches away.”

Yeeeeah, I think we’ve all had that dream.

“In my dream I remember calling it Ben, power of suggestion most likely, and never before had I had a dream that I could remember so vividly.”

You have the weirdest wet dreams.

Say what you want, but it has great teeth.

“11:21am – I really don’t want to play this game again. I think I’m going to go back to see if that old man’s there instead.”

*cue romantic string section*

“1:35pm – No old man, but I had an interesting conversation with his neighbor. I’ll post the full thing with my summary of tonight’s attempt at playing the game, going to wait for a bit though and see if I can’t dig up any information on this Ben guy.”

MY HUNT FOR BEN AFFLECK IS NEVER ENDING.

“2:45pm – I’ve been getting random, inexplicable headaches due to the lack of sleep and keep hearing that song in my head. Also its flu season, so I need to be careful not to get sick, my immune system is going to be shit right now because of that all-nighter.”

Pssh, and you call yourself a college student! Where I’m from, you’re not even allowed into college if you can’t make it an entire week with no sleep, and enough energy drinks so you can see through time.

“3:00pm –”

… I think the writer is glitching out. Somebody wanna find his hard reset button and a paper clip?

“3:02pm – My computer just… on its own… opened up a text document and wrote the words “Hi” and “www.cleverbot.com” by itself. What… the… fuck…”

Again, did this game inspire Imscared or what?

I didn’t mean to do that.

“3:46pm – I went to the website, its one of those “bot chatting” programs. I think its best if I just let the conversation speak for itself:”

Get it, get it? “Speak for itself”? Eh, eh?

…

FUCK YOU IT’S FUNNY.

“9/8/10 Conversation

User: Hello?

Cleverbot: Hello.”

I JUST CAME TO SAY HELLO!

If that doesn’t get in your head, you’re a better man/woman than I.

“User: Who is this and how are you able to control my computer?

Cleverbot: Who am I?

User: Right, forgot. You’re a bot.”

Hey, that’s racist! Er. Bot-ist. Racist against robots- look, you’re a dick, is my point.

“Cleverbot: Do you really think that?

User: Listen, I know whoever’s fucking with my computer can see my screen right now.

Cleverbot: Yes.”

“And I didn’t even know there was that much porn. Seriously, dude, what the fuck? Triple fisting?!”

“User: Yeah, and I’ll wager that youre one of those IT kids who thinks he’s tough shit. You know what you’re doing right now is illegal, right/?

Cleverbot: Is it?

User: No shit. Are you familiar with hte terms “invasion of privacy?”. Get the fuck off my computer, kid

Cleverbot: I am your computer.

User: Cool story. Anyway, I’m calling DPS, you picked a bad time to fuck with me kid.”

Eh, I ship it.

“Cleverbot: Should I wait until you play the game then?

User: …What?

Cleverbot: That game.

“The game with the power!”

“What power?”

“The power of drowning.”

“Who drowned?”

“BEN drowned!”

“Drowned where?”

“Drownin’ in the game! I saw my baby, drowning hard as he could drown…”

“User: Majora’s Mask?

Cleverbot: Yes.

User: How did you know about that?

Cleverbot: Because.”

Oh, charming, apparently our scary eldritch abomination is a fucking nine year old.

“User: because what?

Cleverbot: I did it.

User: Did what?

Cleverbot: I played with you.”

Which is on the list of “Worst Things To Tell Someone After Sex”.

“User: What the fuck/

Cleverbot: Were you scared?

User: Who the fuck is this”

Jeff the Killer, obviously.

“Cleverbot: Ben.

User: The statue? You’re inside my computer now?

Cleverbot: Yes.”

And that’s the exact moment Jadusable picked up his drinking problem.

Because, as a wise man once said, when your Nintendo 64 is trying to swallow your soul and Cleverbot says he’s a dead child, a drinking problem is the least of your troubles.

“User: how?

Cleverbot: You connected me.

User: How the hell did I connect you?

Cleverbot: Cables and cords.”

It’s as we always knew! The Link Cable was the tool of the devil!

“User: How?

Cleverbot: Tell me about yourself.

User: What?

Cleverbot: Tell me about yourself.

User: What do you mean?”

When the hell did this turn from “ghost story” to “the worst blind date” ever?

“Cleverbot: What is it that really scares you?

User: What the fuck?

Cleverbot: Answer.

User: No

Cleverbot: Answer.”

You know, for a supernatural entity bent on the destruction of humanity… BEN seems really fucking ditzy. Am I the only one not even slightly intimidated?

“User: what the fuck, how the fuck did you just open that by yourself?

Cleverbot: I am your computer now.

User: How much can you control?

Cleverbot: All.”

My god… BEN controls all the porn.

For dry, red eyes, use Clear Eyes…

“User: what do you want from me?

Cleverbot: To entertain.

User: you’re stuck inside there. You can’t hurt me?”

Good point! Good fucking point! Can we leave now?

“Cleverbot: Ha

User: ?

Cleverbot: Go play.”

Tell you what, buddy, you should boot up some Team Fortress 2, and watch the smarmy fucker walk straight into a line of turrets. You shouldn’t have done that, indeed.

“User: No, you can’t hurt me.

Cleverbot: Took you longer to type that.

User: So?

Cleverbot: You’re not sure.

User: If you’re so powerful, why use a ridiculous website like this to “chat” with me

Cleverbot: Less messy. More structured. Fun.”

… Yeah, no, fuck you, I’m not buying it. “More structured”? Oh, I have complete control over electronics, but making my own text software to say hi is… like, hard or something.

“User: Fun?

Cleverbot: Yes. Tradition. I like it.”

… “Tradition”?

“User: You think it’s funny?

Cleverbot: Amusing.

User: And my notes?

Cleverbot: You may write them down.

User: Why are you letting me?

Cleverbot: It is amusing to see what you think of me.

(window closes)”

So… you’re letting your victim have complete free reign, because the only thing you have any control over you’re not going to actually control?

…

OUR ANTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

“3:50pm – What have I done? I’ve invited it into my computer. I continue to write these notes, write my summaries, I feel like I am a prisoner in my one place of security. I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m hallucinating or not.”

Just… just stop writing your notes then. This isn’t that big of a problem, dude.

“I feel like I’m fucking insane right now. I can feel it, watching over me, even as I type this. Ben is controlling everything in the game – toying with me, leading me like a sheep, but for what? What’s the purpose? I know Ben drowned, but why these hauntings? What the fuck am I even doing, it can probably even see this right now.”

…

*grabs shirt collar*

*hauls over counter*

JUST. TURN. IT. OFF.

“4:35pm – (Summary of the BEN.wmv playthrough)”

Yep, totally gonna go read that part over again!

…

…

…

coughcoughcough.

“7:18pm – BEN called me to Cleverbot again. He tells me that he’s sorry and wants to be free. And that I can free him, that just like how he got on my computer from the capture card, he can spread but he needs my help. He says I am special because I can help him.”

Okay, now I’m seeing where all those BEN Drowned fan fictions are coming from.

There are a lot more of these pictures to choose from. I’m sad too.

“That is the first nice thing he has said. He promises to leave me alone if I do it. He swears he will. I don’t know what to think right now, how can I even trust this thing?”

Yeah, they fight, but the sex is fantastic.

“7:20pm – I’m terrified of it, but now its saying that it was just having fun. Its twisted and fucked up verison of fun. Hes saying that the game is over. I do want it to be over.”

SO DO I.

“He says that he just wants to be free, that he’s trapped in the cartridge and my computer and he wants to be freed. I don’t want to have to deal with this shit, I don’t know how long I can deal with the watching. It’s watching my every move, every key stroke, I have nothing private anymore. It knows everything that’s been on my computer. It tells that it if it wanted to it could do horrible things to me, but it hasn’t so I should trust it.”

Turn it off! Unplug it! Break it! Fry the hard drive! Dunk it in water! Zap it with a magnet! Drop it out the fucking window! THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO SOLVE THIS! 

“8:01pm – Something tells me that I’m being played again, just like in the game.”

So, what, you’re the one wearing a green skirt in this metaphor?

“9:29pm – BEN called me to Cleverbot again. I ignored it and went to go take a shower. When I came to my laptop I was welcomed with an image Elegy Statue staring at me with those dead eyes. I dont want to talk to him.”

This would be a lot creepier if I hadn’t already played Imscared.

“9:44pm – Fuck you Ben I’m not talking to you

9:56pm – Fuck you ben I’m not talking

10:06pm – FUCK YOU BEN IM NOT TALKING TO YOU

10:12pm – FUCK YOU BEN IM NOT TALKING TO YOU”

I completely agree with you. Today, we are brothers. Fuck you, BEN.

“10:45pm – It’s been more than a half an hour and the messages have stopped. Ben has stopped. I’m beginning to think that Ben isn’t confined to just my computer/cartridge, I’m beginning to feel something. It’s hard to explain it, I’ve never been spiritual, but there’s something different about the air in my dorm room now.”

Oh, see that? You didn’t break the cartridge in time, and now a demon owns your soul. I hope you’re happy.

“11:42pm – I’m beginning to see the Elegy statue randomly as I search the internet in places I shouldn’t. Places where he shouldn’t be – I’d be scrolling down and suddenly I’d be staring at a picture of the Elegy statue. Always the Elegy statue. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

Yeah, I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been having the exact same thing happen with ads for Dragon Age: Inquisition even though I already bought it GODDAMMIT BIOWARE STOP POSSESSING MY COPY OF MAJORA’S MASK.

[Editor’s Note: … Wait, what?]

It’s possible I’m bad at metaphors.

Wait… BEN should be wearing green! BEEFCAKE PLOTHOLE.

“September 9, 2010 12:35am – My worst fears confirmed – Ben has tampered with my summary of BEN.wmv. I looked at the summary that I posted on various forums for the BEN.wmv file and parts have been omitted. There is no mention of Ben existing outside the game.”

Eh, say what you will about BEN, but he’s a damn fine editor. Dots all your I’s and crosses your T’s before he’ll swallow your soul!

“There is no mention of the Moon Children.”

The… “Moon Children”?

…

Are we so sure he didn’t take that bit out to keep you from sounding ridiculous?

“How could he have been that quick to delete the post without me noticing? I’m wondering if maybe it appeared to me that I was posting everything, but in reality Ben was posted his own censored version. I’m going to ask Ben why he did it.”

Well, obviously, BEN is secretly the guy who censors song lyrics on YouTube! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

“12:50am – He isn’t responding to me on Cleverbot, its just giving the generic responses it usually does, I’m just talking to a bot this time.”

Yeah, yeah, cue the part of the review where I start talking to Cleverbot. Etcetera, etcetera. I gave it a shot, actually, and all she did was offer to buy me the DVDs of Lost.

“1:24am – I think Ben is mad at me.”

At least he didn’t buy you the DVDs of Lost.

“10:43am – The Moon Children appeared in my dreams last night, they lifted up their masks to reveal their hideously disfigured faces – maggots crawling out of their orifices, sunken black holes where their eyes should be, a yellow smile that slowly grew bigger and bigger as they came closer to me.”

Hmm. Nope, still doesn’t work, “Moon Children” just sounds fucking stupid.

[Editor’s Note: You do realize that’s a real thing in Majora’s Mask, right?]

Wait, what?

… Nope, still stupid.

“They told me that they wanted to play. I tried to run from them – but the four children pinned me down to the ground with surprising strength. Over them stood the Happy Mask Salesman, announcing that he had a new mask that he wanted me to try.”

Pssh, can’t be better than my dick mask!

“In his spaztic, sudden movements matching his in-game appearance, he took out a mask of modeled off of someone’s face that I couldn’t recognize – a younger looking face – and handed it to the Moon Children. Giggling, they latched it to my face; their horrible, broken bodies bouncing up and down. Two of them held me down while the other two began to sow the mask onto my face.”

… SEW. S – E – W. Not “sow”. Unless you’re trying to say they planting fucking crops on your face.

“My shrieks and screams caused the Happy Mask Salesman’s face to turn into the most horrific smile I had ever seen.”

Soooo, in other words, every single smile the Happy Mask Salesman has ever had?

“He sporadically moved around, examining this procedure like a curious doctor, in that impossible movement. I flailed around, but it was no use. My eyes rolled in the back of my head because of the pain. It felt so real, but I couldn’t wake up.”

Oh, great, BEN is a fucking dream warrior.

“I couldn’t wake up no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t wake up. After the mask was melded onto my flesh they began sowing my legs together, then my arms, the horrific feeling of a needle puncturing your legs and pulling them in, rupturing your achillies tendons and tying them together resonated throughout my entire body.”

Gosh, that’s terrifying. No, not the body horror, the fact that YOU MISSPELLED “SEW” AGAIN YOU BUTTERY COCKMONGER.

“I tried to scream but the mask was pressed so tightly against my face that it was my new face… and my new face had no mouth. I didn’t make a sound.”

I swear to god, if you make me link to the “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream” page on TV Tropes, I will make you scream out of orifices you didn’t even know you had.

“I tried telling myself in my head that I was dreaming, tried telling myself again and again, and suddenly the Moon Children stopped and looked at me. They just stared. And the Happy Mask Salesman slowly bent down and stared at me, inches away from my face, and grinned when he simply said “You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you?” before the Moon Children resumed with increase vigor.”

You know, my dentist says the exact same thing before every procedure.

“I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t wake up. It wouldn’t let me wake up until they had crafted me into another elegy statue.”

… Soooo, what’s the most inappropriate thing I could play here?

Eh, that’ll do.

“I woke up sweating, crying, and shaking uncontrollably. I immediately ran to my computer and went for Ben.”

I don’t wanna close my eyes… I don’t wanna fall asleep, ’cause I miss you baby, and I don’t wanna miss a thing…

“9/9/10 Conversation 1

User: Answer me, ben.

Cleverbot: Welcome back.

User: What is the point of doing this, WHY?

Cleverbot: Amusing to see.”

Well, I’m glad SOMEBODY is having a good time.

“User: How?

Cleverbot: Fun to play, fun to toy with you, make you feel safe.”

… Seriously, all that BEN Drowned fan fiction is starting to make a lot of sense.

“User: …

Cleverbot: I wonder how you would have reacted.

User: to what?

Cleverbot: If I hadn’t revealed myself and stayed hidden, only doing little things to play with you. Close out your windows, turn off your computer, move your mouse by itself. Little things. Make you wonder if I am there but you never know. Give you little hints that I am.”

Wow, that would be… mildly more boring than this already is.

“Cleverbot: I wanted to do something different with you.

User: you did this before?

Cleverbot: Yes. And I will do it again.”

Wait, you’re saying there was somebody before me?! I thought you loved me! Who’s the other man?!

… It seems so obvious now.

“User: To who, Ben?

Cleverbot: Hmm.”

Oh thank god, we’ve finally found a way to shut him up.

“User: Did you know Ben?

Cleverbot: Won’t tell that information to you.”

Now the eldritch abomination is getting pissy?

“User: How did Ben die?

Cleverbot: You know.”

… JADUSABLE, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ANY MORE.

“User: No, but how did he drown?

Cleverbot: Won’t tell that to you.

User: Why?

Cleverbot: It is reserved for another.”

Fuck me, it’s setting up for a sequel.

“User: Who?

Cleverbot: Another who asks.

User: when

Cleverbot: Later.

(the window is closed)”

Did- did- motherfucker, did you just throw a TANTRUM?

“I’m beginning to think that this “thing” maybe isn’t Ben at all, in its sadistic nature I wouldn’t be surprised if it took the boy’s name after it killed him.”

Maybe, but “BEN” is just so pithy!

“12:04pm – My room is beginning to feel different again. There’s something… out there.. I feel really threatened, like there is something that is trying to reach out to me and strangle me but it can’t quite get there.”

… JUST. LEAVE. THE. ROOM.

NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT!

“12:46pm – I think Ben doesn’t want to play with me anymore. I’ll play again, I’ll play the game again, Ben, can you see this? I’ll play the game again, please, just stop this please please”

So, wait, does this count as the third act break-up?

“1:41pm – I’m going insane trying to decide what is real and what isn’t, is Ben just playing a trick on me or is this for real? Is Ben generating these replies or are people actually posting them? Did I just see that screen flicker or was it my imagination?”

Yeah, I’m about ninety percent certain all of my replies are the product of an eldritch abomination. I’M ON TO YOU, BEN.

(Operation “Learn How To Draw” is still a work in progress, as you could probably tell.)

“Imagine depending on the internet and trusting your eyes for your entire life and then being blinded – you can’t rely on it anymore, you second guess everything. for the brief moments I AM looking at my responses to the videos, people were pointing out things that looked fake or Photoshopped or whatever – and there is literally no way for me to know if Ben changed something on purpose to try and shut me up.”

I’m guessing somewhere out there, there’s a “BEN Drowned” drinking game, in which the only rule is “Drink whenever the problem could be easily solved by turning your computer off”.

There are no survivors.

“Or if maybe those replies were just constructed by Ben to try and discourage me from even reaching out – See, I get fucking caught in an infinite mindfuck loop like this and this is what has been wearing on my sanity and pushing me to the edge. As I’m writing this, there’s no way of even telling if anyone even cares as much as I think they do – just another fucking trick. Is this whole document even exist? Am I writing nothing?”

You’re writing nothing of value, at any rate.

“9/9/10 Conversation 2

User: What is it? Whats the point of playing? i die whenever i do anything

Cleverbot: You die because you can’t figure out the secret.”

Not even BEN knows why Apple Jacks don’t taste like apples.

“User: What?

Cleverbot: Thematic.

User: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”

“Thematic”? Oh, balls, everything just got meta.

“Cleverbot: There beauty in your suffering

(the window is closed)

4:09pm – Ben is making me play the game again. It tells me that it has something very important to show me.

6:23pm – (Summary of the DROWNED.wmv playthrough)

9:09pm – (Summary of CHILDREN.wmv playthrough)”

… Am I just stupid, or does “CHILDREN” not actually exist?

[Editor’s Note: Definitely stupid.]

YOU SHUT UP.

“September 10, 2010 11:52am – The DROWNED.wmv playthrough was up when I woke up today. I remember typing it up but I don’t ever remember posting it. He censored it again, there is no mentioning of the old man. I have no voice anymore. I am only posting what he wants me to, I am the mask he uses to disguise himself as he lies.”

Get it?! Get it?! Mask?! Majora’s Mask?! BEN WILL HUNT YOU DOWN SWALLOW YOUR SOUL IF YOU DON’T GET IT!

Hmm. Actually, I think I made a charming infographic that could sum up what’s happened thus far.

There we go!

Ahem!

“11:55am – There’s an entire video summary of a video that I don’t remember doing. Reading through the summary, this sounds morbid – resembling my dream from two nights ago except on a far more sadistic scale – these Moon Children, there’s something more to them, almost as if they’re another entity from Ben.”

Wow, nice blatant sequel set-up. Hah hah, I’m just kidding, there isn’t a BEN Drowned sequel!

…

Right?

…

T- there’s nothing after this story, right?

…

WHY DO I KEEP EXPECTING YOU PEOPLE TO RESPOND.

“Something happened last night that I can’t remember. “

Considering what’s happened the rest of the story, I have a feeling we could guess.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

“I’m posting the fourth summary to the forums now. Shadow of my chair moved.”

What a… pointless detail to include. “And then I microwaved a Hot Pocket… but it beeped two seconds before the timer finished!”

“12:00pm – Ben won’t let me visit YouTube. I can browse the rest of the sites, but he keeps on exiting the window when I go to YouTube. Why?”

Oh god, please tell me you visited some kind of porn site, I would pay so much money to see BEN have to react to porn.

“2:02pm – I’m feeling the air start to constrict, I don’t think I’m alone here. Whatever “aura” has been here is getting more violent.”

Man, when MY air starts to constrict, it’s usually a sign that a date is going really well.

“2:44pm – I’m trying to contact Ben on Cleverbot, he’s not responding. I just get the AI.”

Aww, lover’s spat.

“3:51pm – My ears aren’t fooling me, I’m hearing the reverse Song of Healing. I keep hearing it.”

Either that or you’re an extra strength bag of crazy!

“4:23pm – Now I’m positive of it, earlier I thought it was a weird coincidence, but just now I went to open my window, and three floors down at ground level I saw the old man.”

Oh, right, there’s an old man in this story! At the length this is taking, I’m surprised he hasn’t keeled over from old age.

“I’m completely positive I did. The same guy. He was just staring up at my window, standing in the middle of campus. If any students took notice of him they didn’t seem to acknowledge it.”

That’s not a supernatural thing, that’s just something old people do.

“That’s where my notes end. I fled my room, taking the cartridge with me. I don’t want to go into details of what happened, I’ll lose my train of thought as I hammer out these last details.”

Why do I have the feeling “don’t want to go into details” was taken as a dare?

“It’s been roughly two days since then. This is my last summary and service to you, of the final video you guys saw – Matt.wmv.”

Actually, THIS was the last video I saw.

But I’m sure that’s just as good.

“The last video entry I made, Matt.wmv, began as normal. I was spawned in Clock Town as usual and nothing seemed to be out of place, determined to set things right and play the Oath to Order ontop of the Clock Tower on the 4th day, I prepared myself.”

Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no no. We’re back at the stupid summary bits?! EVERYONE EVACUATE! WOMEN AND CRITIC’S FIRST!

“I sped up time and got to the final day, making my way to the observatory. As I got up to the telescope room and approached the astromer, he would not let me look into his telescope.”

Well, obviously, you’ve got to take a boy out for a few drinks before he’ll let you look into his telescope.

“He told me that it would be cheating and that I should follow the rules. Despite my repeated efforts, the game would not let me do the 4th day glitch, no matter how hard or what I tried, I tried working around the game and doing the glitch, but it was adament this time.”

Oh, great, BEN’s throwing a tantrum. OUR ANTAGONIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

“Regardless of if I simply had the illusion of free will in prior games, this time the game became more aggressive than anything I’ve ever seen. It eventually told me to go to Ikana Canyon, where the game would end and it would stop haunting me, anxious and desperate to end this nightmare I played the song of soaring and ended up there.”

This is the worst treasure hunt ever.

“I was told to check my inventory, that I would find the answers there to end the game. I arrived at Ikana Canyon and saved my progress at the owl statue. As I searched through my inventory, I finally noticed that I was missing a reoccurring song – the Elegy of Emptiness.”

I swear to god, if you summon that thing, I will bake cupcakes with your skull.

[Editor’s Note: … What does that even mean?]

It means something that I can’t say in polite company. It also means that I will bake cupcakes with his skull.

“Obviously once I traveled there and learned the song, I suppose that was the last thing it needed before BEN decided it had had enough fun playing with me. Ben is a manipulator; he tries to fool his victims into security and makes you drop your guard like a venus fly trap, he ensares them. I am nothing but a puppet to him, he enjoys seeing what kind of human emotions he can tap into by doing different things.”

Just… just leave. Seriously, dude. Just… leave. It’s tied to the cartridge and your computer, so just… just leave. Come on. I am begging you. This is the only eldritch horror that could be destroyed by waving a magnet in his general direction.

“NO SHUT UP I AM FEARSOME.”

“There are still some things about this whole experience that still don’ t make sense, but then again I never was good at figuring out these things and I’m not exactly in the right state of mind to, I’m giving you all the pieces of the puzzle for you to analyze and piece together the missing links.”

Oh, fuck me, there’s going to be test?!

“I am typing these “closing thoughts” on the library computer on campus, and I’ve emailed myself the notes I have stored on my “infected” computer from the last four days.”

WAIT.

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.

I WAS JUST BEING SNARKY.

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME.

THAT THIS ENTIRE PROBLEM COULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED BY JUST USING DIFFERENT ELECTRONICS.

I DON’T EVEN-

THAT’S JUST SO-

ARGH!

“I’m then going to combine those copy/paste those notes with the “closing/openings” that I’ve typed here on the safe, public computer into one text document – I’m not taking any chances spreading Ben, I would not wish this horrible torment on anyone and I’ve made sure to have my bases covered here.”

Ouch. Harsh burns, dude. Somewhere, BEN cries a single, bloody tear.

“I didn’t run into any problems with Ben when I was back on my computer trying to email myself the notes – went right under his fucking nose. He has no idea what he just let me do. Had no problems opening the txt document from my “infected” computer in my email, either.”

Every time he says “infected”, I imagine somebody slipping a condom around a computer.

“I can’t describe to you how it feels to finally be able to get the word out in this post. The nightmare ends here.”

*sequel looms over my shoulders*

OH FUCK OFF YOU.

“That said, do not download ANY of my videos or anything ABOUT my videos – through a Youtube video/audio ripper, a screengrab, whatever.”

… Be right back, going to go screengrab this story while I cackle maniacally.

 

SOME MEN JUST WANT TO WATCH THE WORLD BURN.

“I don’t know how he can spread, but I know that just watching them on youtube/reading my text won’t be able to allow him to spread, otherwise he wouldn’t have needed my help in the first place, but I STRONGLY recommend you do not take anything you see streaming online onto your own personal computer.”

Man, BEN is going to hate it on my computer. He’s going to be all, “You shouldn’t have- wow, that is a lot of porn. And- have you ever cleaned your desktop?!”.

“This will be my last posting, I’m putting up on this forum here for the world. If you see any further posts from me, after today’s current date – September 12 – and after the current time – 12:08am – DISCREDIT them.”

Don’t worry, I’ve discredited every single thing you’ve said, so that shouldn’t be a problem.

“It already has proven to me that Ben can access my account/password and manipulate my computer, and like I said I have no idea to what extent it can do this, but know that it will do anything to break free. He is desperate. To ensure your safety, just forget about me. Please.”

CAN DO!

“And obviously this goes without saying, but from here on out do not download ANY images I may have put up, any files, any ANYTHING.”

Yeah, yeah, blah blah, “you could be next”, we get it. Mind wrappin’ this up?

“This fifth day will be my last day, I’m going to burn the cartridge and then come back to destroy my laptop.”

YES! YES, YES, YES! YESITY FUCKING YES! YOU HAVE FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE OBVIOUS FUCKING SOLUTION! YOU WIN THE WORLD AWARD FOR FINALLY FIGURING OUT THE FUCKING OBVIOUS! 

“Again, even though I don’t even know you this is sort of bittersweet for me. This semester I really didn’t have any friends, or rather, I stopped paying attention to them.”

Whoa, everything got auto-biographical all of a sudden.

“But I suppose that’s partially to blame because I am the genius who picked to live in a single, I suppose someone to get ahold of me and save me before I got too immersed into this game would have literally saved my life.”

Well, obviously! That would have been a way better-

Wait.

A… single?

…

Didn’t you have a roommate?

…

…

…

I FUCKING CALLED IT!

“However, it proved too much for me, I’m just glad it happened to me and I could get the warning out so that Ben dies here.”

*sequel hums angrily*

Oh, I swear to god, I will shut you up.

“Lastly, thank you for taking the time to open this and open yourselves up to me by hearing my story, despite maybe not believing me.”

You mean “definitely”, we’re definitely not believing you.

“You didn’t have to do that – really, you shouldn’t have. Your support this entire time has kept me going and now I am finally free of this. Thanks Again, Jadusable.”

Well, at least it has a happy ending!

“…You shouldn’t have done that, Matt. You shouldn’t have done that….”

… Um. Well, that’s… yeah.

SO! Finally, finally, FINALLY, we are done BEN FUCKING DROWNED! How was it?

… LONG!

BEN Drowned definitely has sheer length on it’s size, so if you’re a size queen, well, this is definitely for you. It’s definitely believable, and has a certain atmosphere that’s definitely appealing. If you have a few months, sit down, give it a read! It’s definitely the best video gaming Creepypasta I’ve ever read, even despite my bitching. But what let’s it down is how… well, low the stakes are! The story tries it’s best, but at the end of the day, it’s still just an old video game! Hell, we already know his weakness, just drown the whiny fucker!

…

Actually, that gives me an idea…

*whistles innocently*

HAND ME THE HOSE!

krita-cise me if you dare

Oh, Krita. You’re super fun to work with, and the fact that you’re great for puns is just icing on the cake. The digital… graphic program cake. Hrm. Anyway, Miss Mysterious again! Which makes this, what, the fifth time I’ve drawn her? Sixth? There ARE other characters in her universe. I could… I dunno, give one of them a turn? Maybe a little?

We All Sing The Omegle Song

I live in constant fear that I will accidentally repeat an Omegle title. Like, wake up in the middle of the night, cold sweat, kind of fear.

Ahem!

If u r horny txt me

What persuasive argument, you master orator, you.

The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

… Ah, yes. Shank somebody with a board game of Life, of course. How obvious.

Are you in any fandoms?? if so, which ones?

I would like to take a moment to salute the stranger who responded to this with “woman nudes?”. Because, really, I think we’re all part of that fandom.

If u r horny txt me

… Um, no, still good.

what is wrong with beastiality ik u can get aids and the animal doesnt want it

This is the weirdest Animorphs book.

Is this real life? or is this just fantasy

Hmm, that’s a very good ques-

If u r horny txt me

OH YOU CAN JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF.

krita-cal hit

No post for today! Been trying to teach myself digital painting with Krita. Nothing good enough for general consumption yet! Because… like, digital painting is HARD or something. It’s… like, super weird. Fo’ shizzle.

there’s a possibility

I may have just marathoned the entire Twilight series in TWO DAYS.

…

I ENVY THE DEAD.

Internet Campfire Tales: Abandoned By Disney, A Creepypasta Review, Part Four

Ah, yes, Abandoned By Disney, or, as it’s otherwise known, The “Oswald The Lucky Rabbit” Story.

Previously, on Abandoned By Disney: Disney, after a bout of racism, abandoned a resort to be swallowed up by the jungle, and our narrator has decided to poke around it’s corpse! Evidently, survival instincts are more of a Pixar thing.

Ahem!

“The gates were open enough to walk through, but not drive, so grabbing my digital camera and the map, whose flip-side showed a layout of the resort, I set off on foot.”

This is shaping up to be one damn fine sequel to Outlast.

“The inner grounds of the place were just as overgrown as the entryway. Palm tree stood untended and ragged among piles of their own coconuts. Banana plants similarly stood in their own stinking, bug-riddled refuse. “

Dammit, you’re making you’re hungry.

“There was this sort of clash between order and chaos, as carefully planted rows of perennial flowers mixed with obnoxious tall weeds and stinking, blackened mushrooms.”

Oh, no, it was like that to begin with. The flowers are new, though.

“All that remained of any outdoor structures were broken, rotting wood and various charred bits of unidentifiable material. What was most likely an information booth or an outdoor bar was now simply a pile of assorted debris chopped up by past vandalism and ravaged by weather.”

Wait wait wait, an outdoor bar? When you wish upon a star, you apparently pour it into a fucking shot glass.

“The most interesting thing on the grounds was a statue of Baloo, the friendly bear from the Jungle Book, which stood in a sort of courtyard in front of the main building.”

‘… While juggling.’

“He was frozen in a jovial wave toward no one, staring into empty space with a silly, toothy grin as bird shit covered whole swaths of his “fur” and vines ensnared his platform.”

Ah, yes, the Poison Ivy/Jungle Book cross-over that the… world was clamoring for?

Jesus, she’s top-heavy. What, does she tip over in a light breeze?

 

“I approached the main building – the PALACE – only to find the outside of the building covered in graffiti where the original paint hadn’t peeled and chipped away. The front doors weren’t just open, they had been taken off their hinges and were stolen.”

That’s a-door-able.

“Above the front doors, or the gaping maw where they had been, someone had once again painted “ABANDONED BY DISNEY”.”

Not the resort, mind, just… you know, the doors. They were lonely.

“I wish I could tell you about all the awesome stuff I saw inside the Palace. Forgotten statues, abandoned cash registers, a full-fledged secret society of homeless bums… but no.”

Well, yeah, that would be interesting.

“The inside of the building was so stark, so bare, that I actually think people had stolen the molding off the walls. Anything that was too big to steal… counters, desks, giant fake trees… they were all resting amid this empty echo chamber that amplified my every step like a slow rat-a-tat of a machine gun.”

‘Either that, or it was the machine gun I was firing the entire time.’

“I checked the floorplan and headed to all the locations that might seem in any way interesting. The kitchen was as you’d imagine… an industrial food prep area with all the appliances and space, no expenses spared.”

… Yes, they stole the molding, but not an industrial kitchen.

“Every glass surface was broken, every door knocked off its hinges, every metal surface kicked and dented. The entire place smelled like very old piss.”

And they didn’t even steal the old piss?! Man, do you have any idea the market value on old piss?!

“The huge freezer, not even remotely cool now, had row upon row of empty shelf space. Hooks hung from the ceiling, probably for hanging cuts of meat, and as I stood inside for a moment, I noticed they were swinging.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we have… our first supernatural occurrence! Big round of applause, big round of applause, everybody.

even GLOWIER

Sequel to yesterday’s sketch! Yep, it’s the same glowy lady. I really ought to put all of the versions of her I’ve drawn. MAN, I want to figure out how coloring works.

GLOWY

A quick character sketch before I go to bed! Hee hee, she’s so GLOWY.

regrets

Oh gee, I should try and learn how to paint digitally.

Two hours later.

Why is everything on fire. How did this happen. I don’t understand how those two things are related.

the darkness feeds me

i had work i had to do today

but i was tired

so i needed some boost

so i drank a pepsi

and then another

and then another

i have subsisted entirely on caffeine for twenty four hours

i can see through time