[Welcome back to Madhere, arc three! Or as I call it, “You Float Through The Door And I’m Tumblring In”!
[Oh my god, I have been sitting on that pun for SO LONG YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.]
[This storyline is… urgh. Just… just urgh. Basically, the idea was to throw in an unessential arc to add in time before major story events. The problem is, when you have a story where the characters don’t do anything… then you have a storyline where the fucking characters don’t do anything.]
[In retrospect, it was fairly obvious.]
[So, instead of any legitimate characterization, please enjoy this long of nothing but dick jokes! And if you’re in to that, congrats!]
[‘Cause I’m not!]
“Ladies, gentlemen, Darren.” intoned Todd seriously. “Let’s rap.”
“Erm. Literally?” asked Nina. “‘Cause we are WAY too white for that.”
“Is there any thing in here that isn’t covered in grease?” sighed Lilah as she looked for a place to sit.
“Hey, you can sit on my lap, Lilah!” offered Darren.
“Yeah, I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you.” muttered Nina darkly.
“Oi, back on topic!” snapped Todd. “Jesus, you’re like a bunch of toddlers! On cocaine!”
The entire staff of Madhere was currently holed up in Todd’s apartment/office. It was cluttered (“cluttered, cluttered, cluttered, cluttered…”) as usual, with the added bonus that Todd hadn’t cleaned in a while, leaving dirty dishes and unwashed bow ties everywhere.
“So, what’s going on? Why’d you drag me out of my hospital bed for this?” Darren sighed.
“Well, I- wait, what are you talking about? They let you out of the hospital days ago.” Todd frowned.
“Oh god, don’t get him started, he keeps bringing that up every time we ask him to do something.” Lilah put her head in her hands. “The worst was when I asked him to lend me a book and he started screaming about the white light.”
“Heh. I should remember that.” Nina giggled. “I’ve run out of standard wheelchair quips years ago!”
“Are there really standards for that sort of thing?” Darren asked.
“Yeah, it’s a very comprehensive rule book.”
“Well, dammit.” Todd sighed. “Now I can’t remember why I brought you here.”
“Can we go now?” asked Darren.
“No. Fuck you.”
END OF PART TWENTY ONE.
“Can we help you figure it out?” chirped Darren. “Maybe a game of Charades?”
“Okay, how many syllables? Is it a book? Movie? Video game? Is it Indiana Jones? SHOULD it be Indiana Jones? Why won’t you tell us?!” Nina slammed her fists on Todd’s desk.
“Now, now, guys!” tutted Lilah. “Don’t be so silly! And the answer is clearly Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs!”
“I swear, I will defenestrate every last one of you fuckers.” growled Todd.
“That sounds filthy.” muttered Nina. “Should we get you a condom first?”
“Oh, filthy! NOW I remember what I wanted to talk about!” Todd snapped his fingers.
“That… is a worrisome dot to connect.” muttered Darren as he leaned back in his chair.
Todd picked up his laptop with a flourish and opened it. He tried to turn it around on his desk, so he could show the other three, but it was plugged in. He tried, humiliatingly, to turn it around anyways, before giving up and forgetting it ever happened.
“I was reading Not Always Right the other day,” began Todd, “When I saw they added a “Tumblr” button! So, clearly Tumblr is officially a big deal!”
“Well, obviously!” scoffed Darren.
“Duh-doy!” laughed Nina.
“How could you not know that, Todd?” Lilah shook her head.
A silence fell over the room.
“None of you have ever used Tumblr before, have you.” sighed Todd.
“Nope.”
“Nyet.”
“Nein.”
“Oh, fuck you all.” Todd threw his hands up in frustration. “So, which one of you guys wants to handle Madhere’s yet-to-actually-exist Tumblr page?”
“Ooh, I wanna do it!” Darren raised his hand and started bobbing up and down. “I have a whole hard drive of nudie pics that’d be perfect for something like this!”
“How’s the penis to vagina ratio?”
“Favourable.”
“Coolio. Darren, you’re on it.” Todd tried, once again, to turn his laptop around. “You can just make the page here, and get started on uploading the pictures later.”
“No need, I have it here!” Darren pulled a hard drive out of his hoodie and waved it around.
“What the f- Darren, why are you carrying a hard drive of porn around?”
“Why are you not?
“I… I don’t know how to respond to that.”
“Hey, now wait a minute!” snapped Lilah. “Why are you just giving Darren this project? I have some very stirring political views about Canada’s current prime minister that I’ve been looking to share, and-”
“Hey, that’s right!” Nina piped up. “And I have a portfolio of fan art that I haven’t been able to show anybody! And Tumblr eats that crap up!”
Todd cradled his head in his hands. “Okay, guys, okay! We’ll figure this out! Just… just, whatever you do, don’t turn this in to some sort of bizarre contes-”
“A CONTEST IT SHALL BE!” yelled Darren.
“OH FUCK YOU.” Todd yelled back as he slammed his head in to the desk.
END OF PART TWENTY TWO.
There are one hundred and one things that Todd Arlong is ashamed of. (He keeps a numerical list of them in his pockets at all times.) And out of those one hundred and one things, at least thirty three involve coffee.
Which is why Todd is so ashamed to currently be sitting in the Café, enjoying a mocha.
“Mmm…” Todd leaned back in his green leather chair. “Tastes like shame.”
Cherri, behind the counter with her nose buried in a romance novel, silently agreed.
Before either of them could interact further, perhaps in a way that would start a burgeoning romance sub-plot, Darren burst in the door, with a jingle of bells and a rustling of papers.
“Todd! I was wondering where you ended up.” Darren burst out with a smile.
“What the hell are you talking about? I texted you, like, 20 minutes ago.”
“Yeah, I just ignore everything you say.”
Todd let out an audible sigh. “Okay, you already ruined my secret shameful time-”
“Don’t you need a massaging shower head for that?” interjected Darren.
“- So what do you want?”
“I still think I should get the Tumblr project!” pouted Darren. “Half of our views come from people looking for porn anyway, so why don’t we just start peddling it?”
“Oh, jesus, you’re still on about that?” moaned Todd. “It’s been weeks! Give it a rest, I’ll decide eventually! Or I’ll get bored and make you fight to the death, either or.”
“Not good enough!” snapped Darren. “I can’t take the chance that Lilah will get her filthy political activism all over my porn!”
“Good point, that stuff is impossible to clean off.” Todd frowned. “Hey… what’s with the rustling of paper when you came in?”
“Well, remember that hard drive I told you about?”
“No, no, no, no…” whispered Todd.
“Well, I took some of the more interesting pin-ups…”
“No, no, no, no…”
“… And then I printed them out! Wanna see?”
“NO, NO, NO, NO!” Todd screamed and covered his ears.
Darren sniffed. “You could have just said so.”
Cherri poked her head over the counter at the noise. “Could I borrow that when you’re done?”
“5.95 an hour.”
“Done.”
END OF PART TWENTY THREE.
“If the boss asks where I am, tell him I’m not masturbating on his desk.” Cherri grabbed the print-outs of Darren’s smut and dashed for the back room.
“There we go, the barista stole your porn. Leave now.” Todd slumped back in to his chair.
“Never! Porn is forever and eternal! Porn will burn forever and always!”
“You make porn sounds like a cult.”
“Yeah, but the communion is way more fun.”
Todd’s phone interrupted their conversation with a smug little “ding”, followed by the “Ur So Gay” song.
“Ooh, Lilah just texted me!” whistled Todd.
“Wow, you have ‘Ur So Gay‘ as Lilah’s ring tone? JESUS!” Darren shakes his head.
“Oh, really, Darren?” Todd frowned. “What do YOU have as her ring tone?”
“Er… ‘I Kissed A Girl‘.”
“Exactly.”
Todd flipped his phone open, to be greeted with, “give me tumblr!”
“Lilah, seriously, what do you have against grammar?” Todd typed with a sigh.
“cause i aint got time for writin. the lilahlord waits for no man! or thumbs!”
“Are… are you drunk?”
“very super ultra possible. i got in to merril’s rum collecction. now everything is suuuuuper plus okay!”
“How is she?” asked Darren nonchalantly.
“Erm. Super plus okay?” Todd frowned. His phone bleeped once again.
“so, ya, give it to meeeeee. doitdoitdoitdoti!”
“Why do you even want it? Don’t you keep busy with all your numerous life mistakes?”
“yur an assbutt.”
“I do try.”
“i wanna let my political views known! people need to know about the many assbutts of canada’s prime minister!”
“I swear to god, I will give you any amount of money if you DON’T explain your political views.”
“asssssbutt.”
“And NO YOU DON’T GET THE TUMBLR.”
“assssssssssssssssssssbutt.”
“And jesus christ, woman, get some water in you! I don’t wanna have to stab Darren again!”
Todd turned his phone off, just as Cherri walked back up the table, print-outs in hand.
“Here you go!” she handed them to Darren with a spring in her step.
Darren eyed the noticeably crumpled print-outs in his hand. “Please tell me you washed your hands afterwards.”
“Okay, I washed my hands afterwards!” Cherri replied easily.
“Thank god.”
“I totally didn’t, though.”
“ARGH!”
END OF PART TWENTY FOUR.
“Oh, Todd! You have to help me!” gushed Nina as she clung to his leg.
“What is it? Is it anything my giant penis can help with!” asked Todd as he hair billowed in the wind dramatically.
“My breasts are a bomb!” Nina tore her top off in a single tug. “And only my nipples can save the day!”
“I’m on it! Right after I finish eating this entire hot fudge sundae!”
“Only if you use my panties as a spoon!” Nina pulled off her skull patterned panties and thrust them in to Todd’s hand.
“Right on! But- wait. Where’s your wheelchair?”
Todd woke up.
“God, I need to watch less porn before bed- wait, I never went to bed. I… I think I’ve missed some very important points here.”
Todd slowly looked down, to see himself handcuffed to a chair in a dark room.
“Yup, yup, definitely something wrong here. Namely, why did I get sex dream after I got tied to the chair? This is raising some serious questions about my character, thank you!”
A shadow darted across the darkness.
“Ooh, is there somebody else here? Somebody who can hopefully answer the whole ‘chair’ thing, because frankly, that has not been answered to my satisfaction!”
“Tooooooodd. We have brought you here, with the help of a spiked coffee and distracted pornography.” a voice rasped in the darkness.
“Darren? Is that you?”
“Dammit, how the hell can you already tell?!” pouted Darren through the dark.
“You’re a writer, competent acting is counter-indicated.”
“How about artists? Where do we fall on the scale?” called Nina in the shadows. (Although, admittedly, the squeaking wheels kind of gave it away.)
“You guys don’t fall on scales, you guys just sprawl on the scale as you complain about how tedious it is that you have to bother to sprawl.” Todd yawned. “Any particular reason I was drugged, knocked out, and tied to a chair, or did you guys just decide to kill me again?”
“Nah, we’re saving that for a Christmas present.” Lilah said happily.
“Eh, I’ve gotten worse stocking stuffers.”
“Lilah, would you stop commiserating with the prisoner?!” Darren cleared his throat, and began his dramatic rasping again. “Todd, you have been brought here for the ultimate moment, the incredible decision, the moment all humanity has been leading up to… WHICH ONE OF US GETS THE TUMBLR ACCOUNT?!”
Silence fell over the room, until Todd groaned.
“Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.”
END OF PART TWENTY FIVE.
“This trial by fire is officially called to order!” barked Darren as he banged his gavel.
“Where’d you even get a gavel?” frowned Nina.
“Tore it off the body of an omnipotent time travelling judge who tried to kill me as a baby.”
“What?”
“I said, I bought it in a pawn shop.”
“Say, where are we, anyway?” yawned Todd. “The Grand Empire of Darkness? The Spectacular Caverns of Dumbasses? The U.S Department for Handcuffs? Actually, that last place sounds fun. Can we go there instead?”
Lilah ignored that last part with misplaced dignity. “Darren has a storage unit that we felt was appropriate. It doesn’t have lightbulbs for… some reason.”
“Hey, it saves on blindfolds!” Darren snapped.
Todd stretched in his chair as he turned to where he heard Darren’s voice. “Now, you guys DO realize this is a legitimate felony, right? Having you arrested and sent to Fuck-Me-In-The-Ass Prison is real option here.”
A silence fell over the room.
“Darren told us to do it! He had a gavel! The gavel gave him gravitas!” Nina yelled.
“Stay on target! He can’t call the police if he’s strapped to a chair!” Darren tried to calm Nina down.
“I also can’t give you the Tumblr account if I’m strapped to a chair.” Todd pointed out.
Another silence fell over the room.
“I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH.” Darren groaned.
“Oh god. We… we need to let him out,” Nina started wheeling towards Todd.
“What?! We can’t do that!” gasped Lilah.
“Um, yeah! You totally can!” Todd started rocking his chair back and forth.
Lilah continued, “If we let him go, he’ll just go to the police! And we’re way too pretty for jail!”
“Um, no! No, I totally won’t, and you totally aren’t!”
Lilah ignored him. “So, there’s only one thing we can do.”
The sound of a bottle breaking sounded through the storage unit.
“We’ll have to kill him.”
END OF PART TWENTY SIX.
A third silence fell over the room.
“Or not.” Lilah said lamely. “I… I guess that’s not what we’re doing.”
“Lilah, seriously, what the actual fuck.” Todd shook his head.
“I mean… JESUS.” Nina paced back and forth as well as she could.
“Lilah, sweetie, if you could maybe possible hypothetically NOT murder our boss?” Darren pleaded.
“You would get SO fired. Possibly literally, I haven’t decided yet.” Todd giggled to himself as he pictured it.
“Look, I said I was sorry!” Lilah slowly picked up the shards of the bottle.
Nina frowned. “No, you didn’t.”
“I thought it very loudly in your general direction, it still counts.” Lilah snapped back.
Todd wiggled in his restraints. “So, here’s my new plan: You guys let me out right now, and I don’t have you arrested for kidnapping! Is good plan. Is BEST plan.”
“How about… fuck you?” Nina suggested.
“Seeing as we’re both in chairs, that seems problematic!” Todd yelled back.
“Oh, you’d be surprised, you get pretty resourceful when you’re stuck in this thing…” Nina leered.
“Oooh, now you have my attention…” Todd arched a single eyebrow.
“Hang on, are you flirting?” Darren gasped in disbelief.
“He has Stockholm Syndrome down to an art.” Lilah shook her head in awe.
“Well, excuse me, princess, but I’m bored!” Todd sighed. “It’s either flirting, escape attempts, or promising the Tumblr account to whoever unties me first.”
For the fourth time, a silence fell over the storage unit. That is, till Nina, Darren, and Lilah rushed out of the darkness to free Todd.
“Oh god, not the face, not the face!” shrieked Todd, but far too late. The group smashed in to Todd at full speed, tipping him and the chair over. They fell over Todd, Nina grabbing at his legs, Lilah landing on his head, and Darren sprawled across his chest. Cue writing and grunting.
“Holy hell, what is going on?!” wailed Todd. “And why is it turning me on?!”
END OF PART TWENTY SEVEN.
Suddenly, Todd’s pocket let out a chipper “ding”.
“Ooh, that’s for me!” called out Todd. “Can one of you get it? Nina? Your hand is the one on my ass, right?”
“Actually, that’s me.” said Darren sheepishly. He stuck his hand in Todd’s pocket and pulled out the phone. “Who’s ‘Will DeBlank’, and why is he saying he’ll ‘do it’? Did you finally get that cult started?”
“Nah, that stupid things been caught in pre-production for years. He’s the guy who started the ‘Madhere Facebook Page’, and I offered him the opportunity to run our Tumblr page!”
Todd whistled nonchalantly, ignoring the others expressions.
“Sir…” growled Lilah through clenched teeth.
“You have got to be kidding me.” groaned Nina. “Are you seriously telling me you never intended to give this gig to any of us?! You ass!”
“Yeah, well, you guys kidnapped me. So you and your righteous indignation can fuck right off.” Todd stood up, erection proudly engaged. “Well, this was fun! The door’s that way, right?”
“I- bu- wait, what about my handcuffs?” pouted Darren.
“I’m actually a ghost, I just walked through them.”
“Really?”
“No, I stole the key while you were groping me.”
“Dammit.”
Todd walked with confidence to the door out, gallantly ignoring the fact that he just bounced off the door frame.
Nina, Lilah, and Darren sat in a pile, dishevelled, their mouths agape, silently fondling each other.
Lilah sighed. “New plan: We never mention this day again.”
“Deal.”
END OF PART TWENTY EIGHT.