Back To The Future

… Okay, now people are allowed to start wishing me a Happy New Years! Stupid time displaced jerks.

Happy New Year, you degenerate motherfuckers! I’m gonna go make more fan-art so obscure, it can’t even make it on here.

Omegle, Do The Time Warp Again

… Okay, seriously, why does everybody keep wishing me a Happy New Year? Isn’t that… you know, tomorrow? Or did I get caught in a time warp and nobody decided to tell me about it? And if that is that happened, dammit, guys, you should have told me! I’D HAVE GOTTEN LOTTERY NUMBERS!

Um. Anyway! Let’s make fun of Omegle!

Ahem!

Why are white women stupid selfish slutty c**ts? They’re conceited, spoiled, entitled, privileged, vain and n*****s fuck them easily.

…

I need a minute.

*crying off into the horizon*

…

Okay, I’m back.

my gf says my dick isn’t good for her mind u its 10 inches long

Hah hah, oh, of course your dick is ten inches long. It can also make a woman orgasm instantly, provide reasonable car insurance, and cut through a tin can, yet still slice through a tomato like that.

Let me put my cock inside you. Im going to tear that ass up. My cock is throbbing for you

Since when does “I WILL CAUSE YOU PHYSICAL PAIN” count as a pick-up line?!

girls with big cup size please message me i have a big problem 

Yeah, sorry, man, by cup size is tiny.

…

And also, I don’t have boobs.

who is the best basketball player?

Space Jam, OBVIOUSLY.

OH MY GOD DOUBLE SPACE JAM IT’S FULL OF BEAUTIFUL STARS.

i want an eternal sleep so i can runaway from lifes problems

… Well, isn’t it harder to run away from something if you’re asleep?

Can’t trust white women these days, they’re trashy stupid slutty c**ts who are n***** breeders

HOW ARE THERE POSSIBLY TWO OF YOU PEOPLE?!

When you see a man naked and riding a horse on the side of the road, what kind of pudding will Jesus eat and why?

… Why do I even go to this website.

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE REVIEW

Another day, another script for a video review! God, this is fun! Here’s some snippets!

“Hell, even when I search for reviews, all I can find is a bevy of people talking about how “hardcore” and “extreme” it is. And… well, I don’t mean to nitpick, but hardcore and extreme aren’t actually synonyms for quality. Did you SEE the 90’s?!”

“Oh, fuck me with a cassette tape, this is a prequel to “Trash Humpers”, isn’t it.”

“I wish I could reach back in time and tell my twelve year old subroutine that one day I would watch people killing things, and be bored by it.”

“Man, it’s just like the time I butchered an orphanage, baked cupcakes in their eye sockets, and stacked their bodies together to create a vast and intricate equation to prove the non-existence of a kind and loving deity, and then I built a birdhouse!”

“[look of disgust, pulls out phone] Um, hi, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones? Yeah, you’re still worse than this.”

“Oh my god, GIVE ME SOMETHING NEW. A car chase, a musical number, a bank robbery, I’d take a fucking Sharknado at this point!”

“I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS, CAN’T YOU TELL. I AM A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOW.”

Wipe That Damn Smile Off Your Face: As Above, So Below Review, Part Five

So, we’re finally ready to wrap this up! It’s been a while, but this totally deserved a five part review, right?

[Editor’s Note: … You were just busy writing Portal 2 fanfiction, huh.]

… ANYWAYHAHAHHAHONWITHTHEREVIEW.

That’s… that’s not actually how the Catacombs work, guys.

Previously, on As Above, So Below: A team of adventurers have dug their way into Hell. Which, wow, why isn’t that a Minecraft sequel yet?

Ahem!

So, yeah, Souxie’s dead!

…

I really should have included that in the “previously on”, huh.

Anyway, they’re on the road again, and keep heading through Catacombs. But because everything is inverted this time around, when they go to head up one of the tunnels they rappelled down, they… still have to head down. Um. That isn’t even a little consistent with how the inversion has been working so far, it’s always been a “left to right” kinda thing, but whatever, it sounds spooky.

And of course, since Benji got injured when they went down this tunnel last time, this time around a spooky lady performs baby’s first jump scare and sends him hurtling down, head-first! Oh my god, only you losers could have two fatalities after you discover the cure for eternal life.

They crawl through the bones over water, and George sees his dead brother under the water, and… somehow believes it’s real? Yes, yes, because he’d totally be at the bottom of the French fucking Catacombs. Did somebody just take your “competency” switch and flip it completely around?

So, the team moves forward, until they find a big open space with screaming, and fire flicking ominously around the corner. And what is it? The clip that was in every single trailer! Er, I mean, a big flaming car with somebody just sitting nonchalantly inside. Papillon starts freaking out, screaming how it wasn’t his fault, which fulfills the foreshadowing with the “burn on his hand” thing, yadda yadda yadda, and then the car collapses in on itself.

Dragging him inside it.

And leaving his legs sticking out of the solid rock.

…

Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea we were in As Above, So Looney Tunes.

*hums “The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down”*

Cue more running through dark tunnels! Our three survivors, George, Scarlet, and… the third guy, run around and get to hear the spooky noises, as they pass… a guy in a cartoonish Grim Reaper outfit, sitting in a chair. Oh, lord. Nice to know that Lord Motherfucking Satan has the same effects budget as my high school drama class. And at least they could afford Bert and Ernie!

As they hide from the weak-ass reaper, a stone corpse bursts from the wall and takes a chunk out of George. And then, the third guy… kicks it into fucking dust! Jesus, for being dull as dishwater, he’s surprisingly badass. Could we have a Doctor Who episode with this guy? I wanna see him kick those weepy motherfuckers into gravel.

George starts bleeding out, so Scarlet tries to heal him with the Philosopher’s Stone, but it doesn’t work. A little bit more riddling, and she figures out that the stone is yet another trap, and she has to return back to the chamber to find the real one, and begins running back. You know, that’s nice and all, but this movie could have real taken advantage of the fact that if they wanted to, everybody could have been immortal. Imagine: All of their gruesome injuries, all of their falls, scars, broken limbs, all of that… only, they’re not allowed to die. These broken, bleeding, mangled husks of human beings would be trapped, and forced to feel each and every bit of pain, with absolutely NO release. Hell, if you wanted to, you could even end the movie with the entire party immortal… and then the French Catacombs collapse on their heads, and, buried under six million corpses and all of France… they are completely alive, aware, and screaming. For the rest of time itself.

But no, I guess your idea is pretty cool too.

“My god… it would make such a sweet tattoo.”

Scarlet begins the run back, only the pool of water and bones has been replaced with blood and hands that try and grope her- er, I mean, kill her. So, she makes it into the chamber where Souxie died, and finds her strung up with a noose. Why? Because clumsy jump scare, that’s why. She looks through the chamber, and notices a big, really freaking obvious gold orb. Wait, is that supposed to be the Philosopher’s Stone? Damn, he’s got big balls.

Back with Third-Guy and George, a big coalition of people with scary hoods come in, so Third tries to sneak the two of them away. And meanwhile, Scarlet has apparently mastered magic, and her repetition of one of the phrases controls the pool of dead people. Um. Okay, I’m choosing not to question that. And next, she finds yet another guy, strung up with a noose, and it turns out to be father! See, that’s why she kept seeing nooses, it was foreshadowing! Annnnd the question about why she saw it in freaking Iran before any of this happened is left to your fevered imagination, because the writer is far too baked to come up with a proper explanation.

Scarlet stops to snuggle her father’s corpse, because… she has some issues, I guess, and she makes it back to Third and George. She kisses him, because again, she has a thing for dead guys, and… he’s suddenly better now! So, what, how the fuck does that work? Is the Stone in her now? Is the Stone real now? Is she just a fucking wizard? Okay, got it, we’re sticking with that. Scarlet is a wizard now.

To escape the hooded goons, they find yet another big whole they have to rappel down, but they’re… sorta out of rope. But it’s okay, because Scarlet just casts Feather Fall, and they make it down okay.

…

No, I’m completely serious. That is exactly what happens.

…

Now you’re just trying to piss me off, aren’t you, movie.

STOP STEALING FROM D&D, MOVIE.

And what do they find down there? A manhole cover, which… leads directly back France! Yes, I’m still not kidding, they went so far down, they literally looped all the way back around, and now they’ve escaped! There’s no dramatic twist either, that’s where the film ends. They just went down so far that they went into Hell, and now they’re free, because they’re wizards now.

…

WHAT?!

Okay, to be fair, the fact that the remaining people did confess their misdeeds before their escape could be seen as a Karmic escape from Hell… or you could say that the only reason that worked is because Scarlet thought it should work, and her lessons in magic sprang from the phrase “As I believe the world to be, so it is”, which means that yes, this is still a stupid fucking ending!

Anyway, that was As Above, So Below! How was it?

… Well, it certainly wasn’t as cool as my idea for a horror movie. You butts. You super, super butts.

No, butt (heh) seriously, it was pretty decent! I liked the idea, although the execution could have used some work, it was far too reliant in jump scares and had a crappy ending, and the whole “wizardy” thing should have been excised and salted the earth. But it was definitely well acted and well shot, and it was even decently edited, not relying on camera glitches as most found footage does! Give it a watch!

Just… stop it five minutes from the credits.

Bells Are Now Tolling, Soon Heads Will Be Rolling: As Above, So Below Review, Part Four

Wait, crap, I haven’t been making enough French references in this thing! Um, um, baguette, cheeses, Les Miserables is a terrible movie, nuns, funny hats, Jerry Lewis. There we go, all good.

I AM RUNNING OUT OF WITTY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS POSTER, OKAY.

Previously, on As Above, So Below: Our team of adventurers have decided the best way to escape the French Catacombs is to… head even deeper inside, so they can find the secret for eternal life! Because becoming immortal with six million corpses about to fall on your head sounds so fucking pleasant, I’m a motherfucking rainbow.

Ahem!

So, of course they manage to figure out the correct rock to undo the ancient French puzzle lock, and get the door open without killing anyone. Which yes, means we’re over halfway through this horror movie, and nobody has died yet. Fuck me, My Little Pony has a higher body count.

[Editor’s Note: Does that mean you’re going to review MLP again?]

YOU GO SIT IN THE CORNER.

The group crawl through the door, and find a tomb on the other side, complete with a 700 year old dead man, who is completely preserved! And so, they naturally… continue searching for the next secret passage? Um, ambassador motherfucker, are you high?! You just found an unrotting 700 year old, undiscovered corpse! THIS IS THE FIND OF THE CENTURY!

The secret passage they find goes underwater, and the group heads through to find a hidden treasure chamber, complete with still burning torches. So, which is the least likely part here? The fact that the torches are still burning after seven hundred years, or the fact that we just proved they would have had to go underwater before getting here, and therefore would have been soaking fucking wet?

Scarlet manages to nab the Philosopher’s Stone, but the rest of the team accidentally set off the resident booby trap, and the ceiling starts caving in. Well, you guys just… suck at your jobs. And somehow, everybody manages to survive! Well, La Taupe disappears, but there’s no reason he should have survived this long in the first fucking place, so we’ll just say reality was ctrl-zing him out of life.

I just assume that’s how most major deities work.

Souxie took a nasty scratch in the cave-in, but thankfully, proximity to the Philosopher’s Stone manages to heal her. So- wait, this thing actually works?! Damn! That would explain why nobody in France ever, ever dies or gets hurt! I mean, they’re literally living on a big ball that irradiates increased cellular activity, so naturally, everybody is a rainbow forever!

… Wait, what?

They start searching for a way out, and find a big sign that basically translates to “As Above, So Below”. Which is apparently a basis for all magic philosophy, but for more importantly, it’s a title drop! Oh, and it also translates to “smash a great big honking whole in the floor if you want to get out”.

So, they do, despite the fact that they were already at the bottom of the Catacombs, and rappel into the depths below. And for once, God doesn’t take the opportunity to smite Benji! And what do they find down there? A big inscription reading “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”, which is supposed to be the inscription over the gates of Hell, and originated from Dante’s Inferno. Although Dante did exist before Nicolas Flamel, so it’s not entirely out of the question that Flamel would have heard the quote, I very much fucking doubt that he would have written it in some weird Druidic runes instead of Italian, or, fuck, what about French?! Plus, I’m betting the ancient alchemist would have cared enough to write the entire damn quote!

The group crawls through the gates of Hell, and find the room identical as the one they found the treasure in, only with left and right inverted. Oh, and the “As Above, So Below” sign is upside down now. And with the tunnel closing up behind them, they very naturally assume that they’re dead now! But fuck it, why should that mean we stop trying to escape? To be fair, once you’ve found the secret to eternal life, it’s very hard to see anything as a legitimate threat.

… Is it wrong if that looks surprisingly yummy?

They swim back to the dead dude room, and find La Taupe, who is completely fucking insane, which makes him only a slight exaggeration from what he was like before. Well, at least until he goes all Looney-Tunes, gibbering like an idiot and bashes Souxie’s brain in.

“Bring her back with the stone!”

“I can’t! It doesn’t bring back the dead!”

Yoooooou do realize that it takes some time before injury to eventually die, right? You could have probably saved her in the time it took to say that stupid sentence! And how the fuck do you KNOW it doesn’t bring back the dead?! That would be, quite possibly, the LEAST crazy thing to happen today!

What A Shame, I’ve Forgotten My Name: As Above, So Below Review, Part Three

… Maybe one day, somebody will get what I’m referencing with the titles. Erm, anyway! Enough with this being merry and goodwill on earth crap, back to being trapped underground with six million corpses!

I’m pretty sure that’s really how France looks. Completely realistic, people.

Previously, on As Above, So Below: A team of adventurers head into the Catacombs beneath France to find the Philosopher’s Stone, and instead, they’ve accidentally wandered straight into… the Twilight Zone, I guess. Whoops, bygones?

Ahem!

After the aforementioned “spooky piano” scene, they start hearing the phone ringing, so naturally, Scarlet goes running off! Into a dark cave! A dark cave in the French Catacombs where the laws of reality no longer apply! … Would you like red or black roses at your funeral? Because either way, I’m not springin’ for ’em, dumbass!

Eventually, the group catches up with her, and they manage to find the old rotary dial phone. And when Scarlet picks it up, she gets to hear… some creepy old man, asking to speak with her. Look, if he asks whether she’s got Prince Albert in a can, I am walking out. And seriously, why does Hollywood keep trying to convince people that rotary phones are scary? You already tried that in Black Christmas! What, did the ringing sound kill your parents once and now you’re getting revenge?

And who do they manage to find in the caves? Papillon’s old friend, La Taupe! Holy Coincidence, Batman! Who is… less than happy to see them, after the whole “abandoned for two years” thing. And is it even worth a minute of my time to question how he’s still alive down here without food or water for two years? No? Gotcha.

They start following the thoroughly crazy La Taupe through the tunnels, while the ceiling starts to crack right behind them.

“Is that bad?”

… No, jackass, the tunnel beginning to collapse around you is completely normal. Would somebody mind playing “rocks fall, everybody dies” on his forehead?

… This is one of the many reasons I should never GM.

So, cue the hike through the cave! Do we get a good travelling song? No? Darn, perfect opportunity. Anyway, Le Taupe leads them around to a huge well, and tells them that the only way out is down. Well, thanks for supplying our movie’s tagline, dude. So, they decide to give it a whirl, and see if the Philosopher’s Stone is down there. I- what?! You are trapped in the fucking CATACOMBS. It is remarkably difficult to think of a situation in which you are MORE SCREWED. Stop Indiana-Jonsing for five seconds!

Everybody makes it down the well, with the rope getting snapped on the last person, so they’re fucked even more. Oh, and so we can screw with Benji, I guess. He’s the one who gets the jumpscare, and it ends up making hamburger out of his hands! Seriously, is it just “fuck with Benji” day?

As they begin their hike once again, suddenly all of the sound goes out. Which, it turns out, is part of the plot! Okay, so the five minutes I spent trying to fix my speakers was completely pointless, good to know. And immediately afterwards, suddenly everything is just full of sound, with screeching and bumbling and rumbling! The ground shakes, the lights flicker, and we get industry standard ghostly hallucinations. Hello, spooky little kid that shows up in so many movies it probably has it’s own SAG card, how are you today?

La Taupe mentions about how “It’s not about WHAT that was, but WHO!”, and the group mentions to each other how fucking crazy La Taupe is and how they shouldn’t be following him. It’d be a decent scene, if they didn’t… immediately go back to following him. Anyway, they reach a dead end, which means… it’s time for some more discount puzzling! Yep, turns out that 13th France manufacturers had a way to build ancient locks that, unless you solved the right puzzle by happening to know the exact rules of ancient astronomy, would drop a metric fuckton of rocks on your head!

… Okay, so, what do we say about that?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Somewhere, Walnuts Are Roasting Menacingly

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I got one hundred old exploitation movies, and also a magic gun!

So, yeah!

Hugs and kisses and blackmail, 

Avery.

On The Twelfth Day Of Whatever The Hell Is Happening

ON THE FIRST DAY OF TODAY I GUESS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME, A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE.

ON THE SECOND ONE, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME A BURGLAR’S KIT.

THE THIRD ONE, THE ADDRESS TO THE NATIONAL CANADIAN MUSEUM.

FOURTH DAY, NOTHING HAPPENED THAT CAN BE TRACED BACK TO ME.

FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

AND OF COURSE, SIXTH DAY, THE POLICE WERE ALL “PLEASE SIR WE HAVE SOME QUESTIONS”.

THE SEVENTH DAY NEVER HAPPENED.

YOU CAN PROBABLY GUESS WHAT HAPPENED ON THE EIGHTH DAY.

ON THE NINTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, I HAD TO HACK UP MY TRUE LOVE TO KEEP HER FROM CALLING THE COPS.

TENTH DAY, I MAILED THE PARTS TO EVERY CITY IN THE WORLD.

THE ELEVENTH DAY JUST KEPT REPEATING.

THE ELEVENTH DAY JUST KEPT REPEATING.

THE ELEVENTH DAY JUST KEPT REPEATING.

AND ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY NEW TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME RICK JAMES, BITCH.

‘Fore Your Eyes, What A Curious Sight: As Above, So Below Review, Part Two

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Strangemas, because we’re looking at As Above, So Below! Or, as I like to call it, The Da Vinci Code, Alchemy Edition!

Well… the poster is really red? That’s, like, half of Christmas, right there!

Previously, on As Above, So Below: Scarlet, Benji, and George are on a quest for the Philosopher’s Stone, because this movie is trying to be even less respectable than most found footage movies, and have decided that it must be buried beneath France! In the creepy-as-balls Catacombs, to be precise! Well, I see nothing going wrong with this plan whatsoever!

Ahem!

The trio whip out their maps and start trying to figure out where the Stone could have ended up over the years, given all of the cave-ins and city sinking into the ground like a righteous deity on a pogo stick, and they eventually have a location in mind. And while George decides to take a raincheck on the whole “going into a mass grave to find buried treasure” plan, Benji and Scarlet take a public tour to get a lay of the land.

… A public tour where the walls are made out of the skulls of six million dead men, women, and children.

… Or, as it’s otherwise known, a public tour that KICKS ASS!

Benji freaks out, as most sane people would, while Scarlet skips through the mass cemetery giggling the whole time, like I would! Ah, it’s always nice to meet a fellow nightmare fetishist. The problem is, according to their calculations, the only way to the Stone would be a several mile hike… through solid bone. Yeah, unless you’re Kitty Pryde, that ain’t happenin’.

While Scarlet wonders aloud about how they could find a way into the off-limits section of the Catacombs, a helpful goth kid writing in his journal among the bones tells them to go ask for Papillon, as he’ll help them get in. All while the kid… has what looks like an Operator symbol drawn on the wall behind him?

… THAT IS VERY RARELY A GOOD SIGN.

The kid vanishes when they turn away, which is either scary, or your average goth kid’s reaction to attention. Anyway, they head to a goth club to find Papillon, who is naturally incredulous to the whole “hunt for buried treasure” thing, but decides to take them down their anyway, because fuck it! TREASURE! Ah, greed makes the plot unnaturally go round.

The next day, Papillon assembles his team of red-shirts! We have Zed, and Souxie! Who proceed to… beatbox. Eh, at least they’re cute. The crew, which now includes George because he was the man born without a backbone and just ended up dragged along, try to head down a crack in a train tunnel- until the cops come and fucking body slam Papillon. Well, I’m certainly a fan of slapstick, go ahead, movie!

Now with the cops here, Papillon tosses him off and everybody goes running down the crack, including George, much to his chagrin. As Scarlet explains, his little brother died in a cave once, so now he has a phobia. So, Scarlet decides this is the perfect time to… discuss their relationship issues! Because they used to date, I guess! You know, I really am a fan of assholes in movies, so it’s really no surprise that I find her fucking hilarious.

And cue the hike! They all go trudging through the flooded hallways of the tunnels, filled with water and presumably the splooge of anyone who thought it would be a romantic place to fuck, and they pass- a Satanic cult singing opera?

… Second weirdest thing to find in a subway tunnel.

Finally, they reach the point into the Catacombs themselves: A foot wide crawl through miles of bones. Understandably, Benji is less than enthused with the idea, but Scarlet has an alternate path. It’s faster, easier, and less dangerous, but the problem is, it’s sorta… evil. See, Papillon used to have a friend named La Taupe, who lived down in the Catacombs for years, and knew the entire system like the back of his hand. Except for that one tunnel, and the one time he tried it? He kinda sorta… vanished years ago, and nobody’s seen him since.

(The CHUDs are currently wanted for questioning.)

The crawl through the bones starts out okay, until Benji starts having a panic attack, and Scarlet has to talk him through it. Which works! Until the cave-in happens- or, it sounds like it, at least. And when they Benji finally makes it out, they look around and notice that the tunnel they’re in is the exact inversion of where they just came from. Which is not what’s supposed to be here, and for the double whammy, the only way out is the aforementioned cursed tunnel. And to make it worse, they’re all only way day left ’til retirement!

And what kind of cursed artifacts do they fiiiiiiind?! Um. Graffiti that only Papillon makes, but he swears it wasn’t him.

… Spooooky? Oh, and then a phone starts ringing. Great, Bill and Ted must be popping in. They find a sign on the wall, stating that this is one of the areas that accidentally sank into the ground years ago, killing fifty people. And anyone they sent in to fix the matter, to boot. You know, guys, this place already has over six million casualties, you don’t need to through a few more on to the pile.

Next on the list of weird is a big piano, just sitting in the corner. George mentions how it looks exactly like the old piano he and his brother used to play on, back in the day. But of course, one of the keys used to be fucked up! Which is, of course, the one that doesn’t work here. GOSH THAT WOULD BE SO SHOCKING IF IT WASN’T IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE FUCKING TRAILERS.

IT’S A RECURRING MOTIF, IS MY POINT.

Place Your Bets On Which Way The Heads Will Roll: As Above, So Below Review, Part One

Ho ho fuckity ho, it’s CHRISTMAS! And bugger all, I’m giving myself a Christmas gift: A movie I actually want to watch! Ladies and gentlemen, As Above, So Below!

I’d like to assume they do this to the Eiffel Tower once a day, just to fuck with people.

As Above, So Below is one of the very few found footage films I’ve seen advertised in a theater, and even more impressively, one of the very few with an interesting premise: A found footage movie taking place in the catacombs beneath France! Dude, that place is fucking terrifying even without monsters, you have my full and undivided attention.

The Catacombs of Paris came about in the 17th century, after a shortage of available cemetery space came about due to people… well, dying, those uncultured schmucks. So the French, in an awesomely insane solution, decided to take the tunnels that existed below the city since the 13th century and completely fill them with all of their dead people, so that by the end of it, the amount of deceased in the Catacombs is estimated at either six or seven MILLION dead people.

… WHY HAS IT TAKEN THIS LONG TO MAKE A HORROR MOVIE BASED ON THIS?!

Ahem!

The movie opens with the Universal logo- god, how long as it been since I’ve seen something like that on one of these movies? Er, I mean, the film truly opens with a woman filming herself sneaking across the Iranian border via bus! Um. Lady, look, sneaking into a place where the response to trespassing is execution is already pretty ballsy, but don’t fucking film yourself doing it! ESPECIALLY not on the middle of a crowded bus! What, are you just assuming you can pretend the camera is a chicken if you get caught?

Anyway, she’s here because the Iranian government is planning to collapse a section of underground caverns, which is a problem because the cave happens to have some ancient scripture carved into the walls, so she sneaks in with her underground railroad of archaeology enthusiasts to check it out.  While the lights shine red, and a Silent Hill foghorn signals the fact that they have about five minutes before a massive explosion dumps thousand of pounds of solid rock on her head.

… There is a thin line between badass and stupid, and this woman is doing a fucking soft-shoe across it, singing “I’m A Yankee Doodle Dandy” the entire time.

The woman, Scarlet, finds the scripture and starts inspecting it. Wait, did I say “inspecting”? I meant “smashing it open with a hammer to find the secret chocolate surprise inside”. On the other side of the wall is some more artifacts and scripture, and while her guide runs off, she stops to catch it all on film. And now, ten seconds before the explosives go off, she finally starts to leave, only to find… some random guy, hung up by a noose in the middle of the cavern? And then he explodes and has the cavern dropped on his head? Unluckiest man ever. Lemme guess, he also had a hangnail, an allergic reaction, and when the finger of god reached out to grind him in to the dirt, he just happened to land on his keys.

Scarlet manages to escape, fancy that, and her guide tells her how fucking crazy she is to be working on this treasure hunt. And while you’re enthusiastically agreeing with that, we cut to the shockingly brief title card! Almost as if they were embarrassed to include it, really. We cut to Scarlet, explaining her back-story to a camera-man, Benji, in the middle of an archaeology dig. Oooh, I know we’re not playing the Found Footage Drinking game but that’s just so bland that I have to take a drink!

*guzzle*

Mmm, that’s good cliche.

All of those. At once. And that hand, too.

So, she mentions her father, about the tenth time in a row in this damn opening, how he killed himself, and how he always pressured her to major in archaeology and fighting and language and blah blah blah, not interesting. Oh, and he spent his life searching for… the Philosopher’s Stone?! Wait, that’s the MacGuffin in this movie?! Fuck me, if this movie slowly becomes Fullmetal Alchemist, I’m going to… actually, that’s fucking awesome. Stay the course, film!

But yeah, cue a history lesson on the Philosopher’s Stone. It gives you mastery of alchemy, eternal life, ultimate power, a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, and was supposedly invented by Nicolas Flamel. And for everybody trying to remember where they heard that name, yes, it was name-dropped in the first Harry Potter book. God, this is a perfect storm of references.

As Scarlet explains, Flamel did live in France, which is actually true, and when graverobbers tried to loot from him and his wife’s supposed graves, they found them empty. Which obviously means that Tupak Shakur is still alive- wait, no, rewind.

They talk about how, supposedly, there’s a code in Flamel’s works to find where he hid the Stone, which should be easy to find now that they filmed the inside of the Iranian site and found “The Rose Key”, and we cut to Scarlet and Benji… breaking into a church?! The fuck?! We went from zero to sacrilegious in ten seconds flat!

Scarlet and Benji head up into the bell tower of the church to find an old associate of Scarlet, who’s hobby is to break into places and… fix things. Um. Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of, but okay, we’re buying the Philosopher’s Stone, so I guess we can buy the worst episode of Dirty Jobs too. The associate, George, tells Benji to get as far away from her as possible, because the last time George and Scarlet worked together, he got… locked in a Turkish prison?

…

You’re gift-wrapping these fucking jokes for me, movie.

Anyway, George is all hooked once she mentions the Rose Key, and besides, he’s fixed the church’s bells! So, he’s ready to help translate! YAY!

… So, are we going to get any repercussions for them sneaking into a church illegally and interfering with antiques over two hundred years old, that now every single person in earshot knows they’re responsible for?

…

No?

…

Moving on then.

In the middle of the night, the trio get into a museum by smooth talking the proprietor, so they can start the translation! And by that, I mean they go Da Vinci code on their ass and douse a priceless antique artifact in flammable fluid and light the fucker up so they can find all the hidden secrets on the back. Jesus fuck, can they go ANYWHERE without a felony?!

Scarlet and George start translating all the information, which is stupid, ridiculous, and I don’t feel like getting into it. I mean, come on, if you can’t find the stupidity of a 13th century French riddle translating perfectly to a modern-day English rhyme scheme, or the fact that an ancient alchemist would lack the equipment or know-how to figure out exactly how many feet straight through solid-rock he would need to hide his Stone, then nothing I say will sink in.

Anyway, they come to the radically ridiculous conclusion (which of course will turn out to be right) that Nicolas Flamel must have hidden his Stone 700 feet beneath his grave! Ergo, the Catacombs! Which, although they weren’t filled with corpses by his time, the tunnels did exist, so I guess that could check out. YOUR STUPID AND RIDICULOUS ASSUMPTIONS WIN THIS TIME, GADGET!