Archive | April, 2012

Video Game Haikus: Dig Dug

30 Apr

Killed most enemies

Last one escaping, give chase

Get crushed by a rock

Wonders Of Webcomics

29 Apr

Whilst my brain was pretending to be a Newton’s Cradle (That is to say, bouncing ideas together), I came up with a webcomic. The general idea is that at a boarding school, St. Amber’s Academy, a blonde popular girl named Felicity and her posse (I am going to assume that makes sense) enjoys picking on Claire. Claire is a quite nerd with glasses, and is socially awkward. coughcoughcliché.

Claire and Felicity are incredible unlucky, and as Felicity tries to trip Claire (Felicity is a bitch) in the courtyard at lunch time, a space ship crash lands on top of them. They emerge completely unharmed, but with power. Red for Claire and blue for Felicity. It turns out that the ship contained an alien named… okay, he doesn’t have a name yet. Shut up.

The alien is the last of his race, and comes out as a ghost for exposition. He reveals he used a nanogel as he landed which partially transformed the girls in to the same species. He landed there because the school is built under a space ship from the same species. And the girls are in danger because an unseen force has hunted the species down and will hunt them down.

So the series is about the girls discovering how to use their new powers, and fighting a three front war between the aliens and their mercenaries, the government agents who have infiltrated the school and each other.

So! Who wants to be the artist?

Hello? I’d do it myself but I have the artistic ability of a troll on acid.

*cricket, cricket*

Anyone? I’d do all the writing?

*tumble weed*

You know, maybe this would work better if I knew more than 6 people.

The Truth Behind Stephenie Meyer

28 Apr

Everybody knows about Stephenie Meyer. She wrote the Twilight series, a stupid, silly, convoluted mess that completely fucks up all vampires. The main character is a blank slate with slightly less personality and character than Styrofoam on wheat toast. Meyer nabs practically everything from somebody else, she eats puppies, sacrifices virgins to demons, ties girlfriends to rail road tracks, etc, etc. I know, you’ve heard it all. However, you know what Meyer actually is?

Stephenie Meyer is a super villain. Think about it. It’s eerie…

She took some incredibly stupid things, made werewolves even less credible and yet some how she made a multimedia empire. She Macgyver’d some plot devices that were old when they came out, and got a whoooooole lot o’ money. I mean, geez! It’s kind of like if Dr. Frankenstein made a book with the discarded corpses of a thousand garbage romance novels.

On one hand, hers was the voice that launched a million self insertion fan fictions. But on the other hand, hers was the voice that launched a million self insertion fan fictions. Guh, self insertion is the processed cheese of writing. Just for that, someone needs to castrate her with a waffle iron.

But wait! There’s more!

Lets say, hypothetically, you made a pie. Out of asbestos, rat fur, and bow ties. Because you suck at baking, apparently. And because the teen demography is dumber than a sack of wet rocks, teens love it. You sell out your nightmare pie by the dozens! However, every other person in the sane universe except Belgians HATES it. (In my universe,  Belgians love all pastries) So they start coming to your bake sale and protesting it, because in my bizarre nightmare world nobody has anything better to do. AND YET, instead of hurting your business of melting people’s stomachs, all they do is spread the word! It is like the zombie apocalypse, except slightly less distasteful.

And you know what? IT WORKED. For example, here’s me, and my brain eats her’s for lunch. And I am wasting my time writing about her writing. It’s almost like…

Oh no.

I’m infected.

Help, I’m sparkling! Oh, spread the word!




Although, with this logic applied to other people, it means Michael Bay is the Ubermensh.

Video Game Haikus: Pac-Man

27 Apr

Run around a maze

Pellets are very tasty

Oh, and it’s haunted



How Not To Suck At Gym Class

26 Apr

When I eventually take over the world, or after my sister does, I will change gym class. Yes, yes, I know, you all know how I hate it. But after a couple more weeks, I’ve finally decided to say what needs to be changed. Here ya go.

1: Violence is not the answer. Okay, it’s the answer to many things. It is, however not the answer to gym class. Please see my previous gym class beating for some reference, but I am god damn sick and tired of getting a smack across the [INSERT ANATOMY HERE]. Gosh, that last sentence was suggestive.

2: Profanity is also not the answer. Swear words are like the sprinkles on the ice cream. So delicious, and useful. But if that’s true, then gym class in general, and the boys changing room in general, is the fucking sprinkle singularity. And yes, the swear word is necessary. Shut up.

3: Once again, PROJECTILE violence is not the answer. If at any point during any gym class you’ve found it necessary to hit someone in the face (Other than dodge ball), then please sell yourself to Taiwanese sex slavery as penance. I’ll wait.

Done? Okay, moving on.

4: Gay slurs haven’t been in style for 40 years. THINK OF SOME NEW INSULTS. You don’t sound “Mature”, “Intelligent” or “A sentient being” when every sentence out of your mouth is “fag”. Also, fun face: That means “Cigarettes” in Britain. That has nothing to do what I’m talking about. Just interesting.

5:It’s just a game. Calm the hell down! You really need to think “Gee. I just lost at Frisbee. Is that an expectable cause for smacking that girl in the face and setting a garbage can on fire whilst singing the entire soundtrack for Chicago?”

6: Don’t use too much perfume! Um. Actually, I just asked a classmate what she thought, so this was what she said. So don’t do that. No much perfume.

And if you do any of these things, I’m snapping both of your legs and dropping you in to a tiger pit. Possibly while wearing a silly hat, I haven’t decided.

Potatoes: Top 10 Ways To Travel

25 Apr

[This was written by the awesome writer and friend known as Potatoes, who sadly only travels by riding on Geckos. Enjoy!]

10. Jetpack: A jet pack seems awesome doesn’t it? You fly around anywhere you want with no inconvenience. It’s fast, cool, and looks great with avatars what more is there to say?

9. Gorilla: Gorillas are the kings of the jungle. They’re big, strong, and more intelligent than any other jungle animal. Not to mention its ability to scale anything would come in useful. And if anyone tries to intimidate you have a full-sized silver-back gorilla roaring in their face so loud they’re guaranteed to shit their pants.

8. Robotic dolphin: You’ve seen how cool dolphin riding looks in the movies. Now just imagine that same dolphin can reduce your obstacles and/or enemies to toast crumbs with its laser eyes. Not to mention the saw-blade launcher attached to its fins. And if you ever are thirsty you can grab an ice-cold can of your favourite carbonated beverage right out of its butt hole.

7. Tank: This one’s pretty obvious. It may be slow. It may be way too big for the current road system. And it may get in the way of everyone else. But since you’re a tank if someone has a problem with you, you can quickly solve it. With an exploding shell to the face.

6. Sonic the hedgehogs back: You want to know the definition of fast? Sonic. Sonic can run right the fuck over everything and everyone. He’ll be at your destination before you realize you’ve left. The only problem is that you always got to make sure that he has a least one ring on him.

5. Teleportation: This one is a particularly excellent way to get around. Because, simply put you don’t. Anywhere you want to go, you’re there instantly. No waiting, no restrictions, nothing. You don’t need to put up with anybody or deal with any uncomfortable situation because you’re anywhere you want the second you think of it.

4. Being Falco-punched: This way of travel is very similar to teleportation. Captain Falco will just zoom up anytime you want and Falco-punch you to your destination. Pretty cool huh? The reason its above teleportation is because in teleportation you don’t have the satisfaction of riding a red, fiery, torrent of death through anything in your way.

3. Giant stone golem: You remember the feeling of crushing ants from your childhood? Well imagine you could do that again except with cars for your ants. You would go around crushing “ants” all day. You would ride on its shoulders like a total badass everywhere you go and shout one-liners from atop your stone giant.

2. Private jet plane/skydiving: Having your own private jet would be nice right? You would go anywhere you want in class. Have selection to the finest strippers and drink/eat your way through every flight. Now imagine you could get to destination approximately 10 000 feet too high. Well jump, and pull your parachute at the last possible second so you could beat your high score from yesterday.

1. Weeping Angel: Suppose you could ride a quantum-locked being through time and space. Pretty awesome huh? Oh now imagine they could zap your enemies away and scaring them shitless while doing it. Weeping angels are scary as shit. Fast as fuck. And awesome as all hell. They could decimate anyone in their path travel through time to solve any problems you may have had. All while looking late a stone figure of a catholic angel. I suppose there would need to be a rule about proper pope-like wear while riding hem. And for these reasons weeping angel is deemed the number one way to travel.

So You Just Started The Apocalypse

24 Apr

So you just started the apocalypse! The undead are waking, the sea is boiling, the sun is going nova, and pigs are learning to fly. And it’s all your fault. Feel free to be ashamed.

Done? Good!

First thing you should do is alert your family and loved ones, like the good harbinger of the apocalypse that you are. Now, culture says that you should tell your loved ones in person, but that takes way too long. A much simpler way to do it is to send out a mass tweet. Example:

“The wrld is nding. My falt. Sry! Try nt 2 die. Luv! ❤ #we’reallgoingtodie”

Next on your agenda is escaping the horrible irony. As the one who started this all, you are clearly a villain, and will die as such. Expect falling rocks and misfiring guns in your future. The only way to escape this is to look deep in to your enemies eyes, and say “I’ve always loved you.”

Zing! Now, you have virtually made sure that your last moments before death are socially awkward.

Have fun being dead!

Cell Phones In School

24 Apr

Cell phones can be useful

Cell phones can be fun

But if you pull it out in class

I’m pulling out a gun

Why do you always risk it?

It makes the teacher hate

I’m gonna grab your I-Phone, bitch

And cast disintegrate

You’re not all that important

Don’t need it all the time

Your friends can live without you

You fetid piece of slime

Yes, it’s you I’m talking to

You cell phone using slut

Don’t preach ’bout how it’s “helpful”

Just flip the flip screen shut

And no, I don’t hate cell phones

They help people connect

But if you pull one out at school

I’m “connecting” through your neck

A Little Internet Song

23 Apr

The Internets a lot of things

For setting up your sexy flings

But one thing you’ll admit it’s not

Is entertainment for your tot

The Internets not made for kids

The Internets not made for kids

It’s full of things parents forbid

Full of spam and ads and porn

It’ll make you feel forlorn

It’ll make you flip your lid

Cause the Internets not made for kids

Look around and you may see

Good clean fun for you and me

But a second glance and you may find

That it’ll blow your kiddies mind!

Sex and games and penis pluses

Forums where you can raise your fusses

A flash game with a giant squid!

But just don’t give it to your kid

The Internets not made for kids

The Internets not made for kids

It’s full of things parents forbid

Full of spam and ads and porn

It’ll make you feel forlorn

It’ll make you flip your lid

Cause the Internets not made for kids

Just sing this song when you’re not sure

If what you gave your kid was poor

Just remember, everything is fine

As long as they don’t play Craft, Mine

The Internet King

22 Apr

Hark! Our nerdy voices sing.

“All will hail the Internet King!”

People of Earth, you shall not flee

Or else be sent to Lemon Party

And if the nations do attack

We will link them all to Cracked

With the Omegle host proclaim

“The Internet King will load flash games.”

Hark! Our nerdy voices sing!

“All will hail the Internet King!”

[Apologies to any offended parties. Calm down. Eat a bagel.]