Archive | November, 2013

Shockingly Finite, Part Ten: Deus Ex Musical Number

30 Nov

Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And remember, you’re only allowed to gleefully celebrate Slate’s death if you’ve brought streamers and noise makers for everyone!


PREVIOUSLYON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Elizabeth and I have FINALLY managed to gun down all those war heroes and grabbed our electrical Deus Ex Machina! Now to fight our way out of Shockingly Racist Disney Land!


After chugging down the Shock Jockey and getting my hands covered in electric crystals over it, Elizabeth asks me about killing. “Do you ever get used to it, Mr. DeWitt? The killing?”

“Well, I never got an erection over it, if that’s what you’re asking!”

“… Darn.”

On the way out through the exhibit, we find Slate’s men standing around, ready for an “epic” fight. And on a completely unrelated note, they’re standing in a pool of water HMM I WONDER WHAT I SHOULD DO.


Apparently “electricity + water” not only fries people, but it makes the goon’s heads explode, then disintegrate their corpses. I presume it also tickled them in just the wrong spot and stubbed all of their toes at the same time!

We make it to the lobby, filled with more of Slate’s schmucks, and I take the time to personally ram my birds down each and everyone’s ass. “Mr. DeWitt, I can tell what Slate said bothered you.”

“What are you talking about, I’m having a wonderful time!”

I grab a sniper rifle, and get stopped by another busted power conduit. “Oh, jesus fuck, who designed this crap? The stuff in Rapture didn’t break this easily, and that stuff was held together with chewing gum and pretension!”

“… Rapture?”

“Think of a goldfish bowl filled with mind rape.”

And masquerade masks.

We finally get out of the Hall of Whores- er, Heroes, to find Comstock’s and Slate’s men fighting. “Oooh, me oh my, I’ve got my own genuine war zone! I bet ya five bucks I can clear the whole damn thing with headshots!”

“Mr. DeWitt, don’t be ridiculous! I can just Tear in that flying turret over other, there’s no need to-”

“Nah, that’s boring.”








“… What the actual fuck, Mr. DeWitt.”

“Ew, now I have jaw bone in my drink.”

We hop on to the skyrail and speed away, only to find another group of soldiers flying around and shooting me. “Oooh, please, Mr. DeWitt! Let me open that Tear and conjure in that Motorized Patriot!”

“Depends, do you promise to stop masturbating through your dress?”

“… Give me five minutes to think about it.”

After we watch the Motorized Patriot make quick work of the troops while we eat snacks, our final stop on the skyrail comes complete with soldiers and one Fireman. What, did every soldier in the world suddenly decide they wanted to attend the Whore of Heroes- er, Hall of Heroes?

A quick smattering of headshots, birds, and hookdrills later, and they’re all dead, Dave. So, once Elizabeth’s past her orgasm, she starts up again. “Um, Mr. DeWitt?”

“The name’s Booker. Please, it’s easier to type- er, I mean, say.”

“I’ll be certain to attend to that distinction, Booker, when there’s a moment we’re not being shot at!”

“… Oh, okay, fuck you.”

“You’re REALLY not convincing me not to shoot.”

The reason for her unnatural level of bitchiness is apparently she’s spotted supplies, and she points me to a bar. In it is a fair amount of loot and corpses, as well as a Vox Populi cipher on the wall. Oh, great, now I have to scour the level for a code book. Anyone remembers the Blue’s Clues theme song?

My grand search takes me to a candy shop, where I eat all the cotton candy and Elizabeth loots the cash register, and the ticket booth, where I find a flaming shirt and Elizabeth sounds confused, until I find the code book lodged in a cannon. So… not the best projectile, I assume?

The code we found turns out to be “Tip the hat to the Vox”, which naturally equals “we’ve hidden a secret workshop which can be opened if you go tug on that hat rack”. Okay, yeah, that’s the PERFECT way to hide a secret passage: Behind a thing that gets tipped over a lot, and if you tip it over, it opens it!


Now, with everything thoroughly well looted, we head back on our way! We pass a huge empty display case with ‘Motorized Patriot’ on the side, and… wait. Empty?


“Hi. Got a minute?”

Now, yeah, I keep making those “kill everyone with a headshot” jokes… but that’s only because I actually keep doing it. And, hey, I may not be one for boasting… but I do manage to kill the Patriot with two headshots before he manages to get a single shot off.

Please, draw your own conclusions.

We hop in to the elevator (You know, the one from A Hole In The World? Where she opened a Tear and almost got us killed to get rid of a bee?) and start the customary elevator ride/exposition. “So, Elizabeth, I don’t quite understand those Tears of yours!”

“Neither do I!”

“Okay, well, you’re just a big damn help, huh.”

“Well, Booker, when I was little, I remember actually being able to make Tears instead of just opening them! I went anywhere, but I always wanted to come back here!”

“So… you didn’t actually need me to let you out?”

“… I guess not.”

“Gotcha. So, I’m not saving you from your tyrannical father, I’m saving you from your own fucking laziness!”

“Zzzzzzzzzz… should probably escape one of these days… zzzzzzzzzzz…”

We finally find our way back to Soldier’s Field, and walk over to the gondola station. I shock it, which naturally fixes it immediately, and call the gondola. Unfortunately, that apparently also calls Comstock over the intercom! “MY DEAR SWEET ELIZABETH, HE WILL ABANDON YOU!”

“… Could you not call her ‘my dear’? I’m having enough trouble forgetting that ‘probable incest’ crap.”


“God, why does everyone keep bringing up the whole ‘killer of women’ thing! I said I was sorry!”

“Father- er, prophet- er, asshole- whoever you are! I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”


“Nice work, Elizabeth, taunt the religious extremist with a tiny dick, I’m sure that won’t go badly in any way!”


“Oh, please. You’ve got a Little Sister in your pants, while I’m swingin’ around a Big Daddy!”

And that makes a vagina… a Boy of Silence, maybe? And a dildo is a Motorized Patriot?

Comstock decides that the best way to safely return his daughter is… send gunships full of soldiers over the horizon to pepper Soldier’s Field with rockets! Of course, how obvious!

“Dammit, there are too many of them! Quick, Elizabeth, lay down a beat!”

“… Wait, what?!”

“I’m going to sing them a song of fierce battle! Any suggestions?”

“… Please don’t sing-”

“It’s down to me! Kill ’em all just ’cause I can!

Third big fight, ‘gainst a second string team, and one awful plan!

It’s up to me! This is what I came here for!

Had enough slaughter but the slaughter wants more!

I don’t want to straighten up, fightin’ as they fly right, I just wanna skyride ’round a while, and, bust a flying city up, ’cause fuck Comstock!

And I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already!

*guitar solo*

You don’t know, who you’re tryin’ to take from me!

You don’t like it messy but by god, I like it messy, so it’s gonna be!

Wind the drill! Hook it up and grind their brains!

You can see the bottom when I push you that way! 

I don’t want to straighten up, fightin’ as they fly right, I just wanna skyride ’round a while, and, bust a flying city up, ’cause fuck Comstock!

And I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already!”


“… Are they dead yet?”



After the musical number fails, bullets and hookdrills manage to save the day! Elizabeth picks the lock on the gondola, and we’re on our way! Elizabeth, and the writers, decides to pass the time with some dialogue!

“Booker, when you were on the beach, you kept repeating some woman’s name.”

“I’d… really rather not talk about it!”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry! … Where are you from?”

“… I thought you said you didn’t mean to pry.”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry! … What did you do?”

“… Siiiiiiigh. Detective work, and professional badass. Not stuff you generally put on a resume, unless you’re applying for a job as the Punisher.”

“Well, it was certainly fine that you came along when you did!”

“Why do you think I even came here? I was gambling. And now I owe money to some people you would really rather not owe money to! Me busting you out- what did you think that was? Just your general fairy tale rescue?”

“Who sent you?”

“People who were willing to take my marker in exchange for you.”

“… That’s not an actual answer.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m just stalling till the plot twist.”

“Damn, the plot twist’s running late today.”

The gondola lands, and we head off to… wait. I forget, what’s the plot?

Oh, right! Find the airship! Damn, I kinda forgot over the whole “killing war heroes” thing!

Anyway, the big gate for the airship is filled with more goons, who have no answer for a swift hookdrill to the face. After killing them all, I step behind a corner for a minute, and, I swear this is true, I come back to find Elizabeth crouched with her skirt over a corpses head.

“… Do you need a minute?”

“Yes. Yes, that would be appreciated, thank you.”

After she’s done, we’re on the elevator to the airship, with the “False Shepherd” PSA on the wall. “So, Booker, looks like they call you the False Shepherd.”

“And you’re the Lamb. Baaa.”

“Let’s not call each other that.”







We finally find the airship, and after stealing all the money on the counter, we’re off! I slide up to the console and immediately know how to pilot the airship, because I’m fucking awesome, that’s why! I set the coordinates, and settle in for the ride.

“You alright, Elizabeth?”

“I wanna see Paris. I wanna see… everything!”

“Well, that’s up to you now! Nobody will control what you do ever again-”

“Wait, Booker, that’s not the coordinates for Paris, that’s New York!”

“… Shit.

“I had a lot of time in that tower! Time enough to discover several things you can do with a table leg, true, but I also learned about geography!”

“Look, I owed money. And there’s a fellow, he offered to wipe away my debt in exchange for you.”

Waaaaaaah! Waaaaah, waaaaaaah, waaaaaaaah!”

“Oh, stop crying! It just-”

Waaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!”

“Elizabeth, I’m sor-”


Fortunately for people who aren’t a fan of crying, a ‘Talk to Elizabeth’ prompt appears, and I walk over to her. “C’mon, everything is going to be okay! Just turn around and talk to me, and we can-”


… Which is the exact moment that she smashes my face in with a pipe wrench.

“Oh, you stupid fucking biiiiiiiii-”

Fall to the floor.

Fade to black.

“Remind me to shoot you for this later.”

Oh Me, Oh My, Omegle, Omygle

29 Nov

Wow, these titles are slipping. I mean, that’s not even a pun. 


Anyway. Omegle. They yap about stuff. I make fun of them. Rinse and repeat until somebody, probably me, is driven in to a blood frenzy and slaughters everyone in the room.


How big is too big?

Bigger than a bread box, smaller than my dick.

I’m horny, roleplay together

Ooh, can I be the dungeon master?

i accidentally logged off on some people dicussing cupcakes and i wanted to appologize sorry




Do u like boobs??

Everybody likes boobs! Even mean old people and foolish children like boobs!

if superman and batman were to fight who would win?

The yaoi fangirls everywhere.

How would you have sex with each other?

At the end of a large, sterilized stick.

Have a sexy talk

Hmm, what’s the sexiest thing I know…


(God, that song is gonna be in my head all day.)

Blondes or Latinas???

… Nah, I’m still sticking with “gay bar”.

One of you is tied down to a bed naked, The other is free to do whatever he/she wants (First one to type gets to pick role)

I pick the role of “guy sitting in the corner, eating popcorn”.

What do you look for in people of the opposite sex?

Complimentary genitals?


Freshly Riffed 58: Turn Him ‘Round, Paddle His Rear

28 Nov

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series that will keep broadcasting straight through the zombie apocalypse… unless there’s anything good on T.V.

And if you actually PUT a zombie apocalypse on T.V, I’m pretty sure my head would explode.

According to the supernova I have lodged in my molars, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also, my dentist is gonna be PISSED.

Each title will be linked to the original author, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake only.


I May Shop On Thanksgiving

… You rebel?

To All The Parents I Judged: I’m Sorry

“Except for Jim and Wendy. Fuck you, Jim and Wendy.”

Striking Back Against Censorship

Wait, some people still insist on censorship? F*** that s***!

I mean, this is the internet, people.

And We Fade Into Darkness, Fade Into Darkness

And then we repeat what we already said, what we already said.

Unbecoming A Writer

“My god, he found the cure to the infection!”

“You’re right! His body is changing on the atomic level! He’s… unbecoming a writer!”

Domestic Experiments

“We’ve replaced the housewife with a self aware rat. Lets see if they notice!”

Time To Put Some Pants On


From Russia With… Love?

I don’t think that’s love- OH FUCK IT’S A GUN.

Is there even a difference?!

This Is Marriage

Really? Damn, I was hoping it was Sparta.

The Five Worst Things You Can Say To A Blogger

5: You’re a blogger.

4: You write a blog.

3: You own a blog.

2: You blog a blog.

1: Blog blog blog bloooooog.

Finally, Freedom!

27 Nov

Alright, we’re finally done our Doctor Who extravaganza! And we can finally get back to the high brow, freeform comedy that this site is known for!

Fuck, I got nothing butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts butts.


Idle Hands Are Pretty Much Everyone’s Playthings: Doctor Who Review, Part Four

26 Nov

It’s time to FINALLY get this celebratorial review of The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit for Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary out of the way! I swear, by the time I get this fucking review done, it’s going to be some entirely different anniversary!

“What is even going on.”

PREVIOUSLY: The Doctor’s jumping down the recursive pit to find Satan, Satan’s possessed an army of Zoidbergs, Rose and the crew have checked out each other’s asses, and Jefferson died so hard, he made Captain Jack say “daaaaaaaamn“.


After taking a short moment to mourn Jefferson in the vents, the crew opens the door to the next section, which happens to be filled with a frankly unreasonable amount of Ood. “Hey, occupado!”

Rose punches her way out of the vent, and pulls herself and Danny to safety. They try to help Toby up, only for him to very discreetly turn to the Ood, flash out his demony eyes, and shush them. “YES, I’M THE BEAST, AND I’M IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF ALL THE OOD, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T GET UPPITY EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE!”

Now that the Beast has thoroughly admonished… himself, I guess, he switches Toby back to “less overtly evil”, and he gets dragged up by Rose and Danny. Cue a Benny Hill chase scene as our wacky protagonists flee from Satan’s inhuman merciless minions bent on spreading the Beast’s power through the entire universe, oh you kooks! 

Finally at the Ood control centre, Danny sticks in his USB of plot convenience and technobabbles the Ood right out! Huzzah for the forces of “Fuck Ood”!

Back with the Doctor, he’s chatting with Ida about what the Beast is while he’s slowly lowered in to the pit. “The image of the horned demon is spread through pretty much every religion! Maybe they all came from the same place? One massively powerful entity capable of becoming the ultimate evil for billions upon billions of terrified souls? A single fear, emanating from here in to the back of every sentient mind?”

“… You’re really not making me feel any better about this.”

He runs out of wire, and is stuck dangling there with no bottom in sight. So he has a choice: Go back up and wait to die, or release the safety clip and drop to either his death, or the Devil. Well, no matter what he chooses, he gets away from Rose Tyler! It’s a win/win!

The Doctor has a quick conversation on belief, and tells Ida, “If Rose gets in contact, tell her… tell her… oh, she knows.”

“She knows how much you intensely loath her?”

“Yeah, that!”

He drops off, just as Rose finally manages to reconnect, because this episode likes making Rose suffer. And hey, speaking of suffering, we get a touching goodbye as Captain Flane tells Ida that they’re abandoning her! She cries a bit, and tells them to get out of here, but not before bragging about the scenery nobody but her gets to see!

You gotta love the interior decorator for Satan’s prison!

Flane, Danny, and Toby start preparing to leave, but when Rose demands that they leave her, the crew shrugs… then drugs her so they can get her on-board the rocket safely. Why, exactly, Mr. Flane, were you carrying that around? Just decided ‘hey, you never know when you might need some tranquillizers’?

Down in the final pit, the Doctor is waking up. His helmet shattered in the fall, but he’s still breathing. Which means air cushion! (… What ever that is.)

Rose wakes up in the rocket, just as it takes off. She panics a little, and even threatens Flane with the bolt gun. Geez, talk about gratitude! He says they’re not turning back, because piloting a spaceship directly into a black hole is only a slightly worse idea than doing it the first time.

Back with the Doctor, he’s examining some cave paintings. They detail a great battle of man against beast, and when the Beast was destroyed, it was imprisoned. In a pit, perhaps? Annnnnnd cue the Beasts big entrance, in the flesh!

Pictured: A face only a CGI student could love.

We briefly cut away to establish Toby giggling evilly to himself, before continuing our Doctor Versus Devil Final Showdown! “I accept that you exist. I don’t have to accept what you are, but your physical existence, I’ll give you that!”


“… Really? That’s it? I expected more verbal repartee.”


“I don’t understand, I was expected down here! I was given a safe landing and air! You need me for something, what for?”


“Oh, come on, you big nob! Talk to me!”


“You won’t talk?”


“… Or you can’t talk. Oh, great, I picked a fight with the world’s first mute eldritch horror.”


“But how does that work? I heard your voice! Pompous, arrogant, and really fucking annoying, but a voice! But looking at you now… all I can see is The Beast. The animal, just the body, the physical form! It’s like a muppet; really smart voice, but just a felt body!”


“Don’t ask, before your time. So, you were imprisoned, presumably you spent the first few millennia dropping the soap, and you can’t get out! If you open the prison, the gravity field collapses! You get dropped straight in to the black hole, which I assume isn’t the first time you’ve been forcibly introduced to a black hole, am I right?”


“You escape, you die! Brilliant! So, you lay here, festering away, eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew, just the body of the Beast! But the mind, oh, that brilliant mind! The mind of the great Beast can escape! Which is why they gave me air, because if your mind is escaping, then I need to come down here and pull the switch, finish you off and dunk you in to the black hole!”


“But… oh, you’re very clever. If I destroy Krop Tor, I destroy the gravity field. And drop Rose in to it too. If I kill you, I’ll kill Rose.”


“… You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a win/win scenario like this before!”

“Now, can you PROMISE she’ll die this time? ‘Cause, I don’t wanna half ass it like I did in New New York!”

Speaking of Rose, she’s finally starting to question why the Beast didn’t kill them in one of a thousand different ways. Which Toby is strangely against, hrm, I wonder why!

Finally, the Doctor is running through the deep moral quandary about whether he can do it. Can he kill the Beast, save the universe, at the cost of Rose? This is a deep, worrisome dilemma-


… Well. That didn’t take very long.

With the gravity field gone, the rocket is getting sucked in to the black hole, and the Beast responds with the expected dignity and restrained we’ve come to expect. “I AM THE BILE AND THE RAGE AND THE HATE AND THE DEATH! I AM FOREVER AND ETERNAL! I AM THE SOLE DESTROYER OF THE UNIVERSE! I AM THE ONCOMING STORM! I WILL NEVER DIE! NEVER EVER EV-“

“Look, I know he’s the ultimate evil, but can we please shut him up?!”

Rose takes the bolt gun and blows out the window, sending the Beast to his death that according to him “is impossible”. (Pompous ass.) And as the planet falls in to the black hole, tearing itself apart, the Doctor manages to find the closest thing he’s ever gonna get to a loving god: The TARDIS, fresh and unharmed!

*trumpet blow*

And remarkably, it’s not possessed by the Beast! Although, wouldn’t it be cool if it was?

This frees the Doctor for his big dramatic hero moment of rescuing the ship, saving Ida from oxygen starvation… but being unable to save the Ood. OH NO THE MURDEROUS SQUID FACES HAD TO DIE OH WHAT SHALL WE DO.

And that’s The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit! How are they?

(Dude, seriously. Would I have reviewed these episodes if I didn’t think they fucking rocked?)

The script is tight, the idea of the Doctor coming up against something so bizarre alien is a welcome change of pace, the characters are well rounded and likeable, the Ood make a convincing threat, and it manages to even pull off a creepy atmosphere at times!

The best of the two episodes is The Impossible Planet, as it gives us enough information to know what’s going on, without ruining any of the scares or mystery, and the tension is palpable! The vision of the black hole twirling above them is one that tends to stick with you after you’re done.

The biggest problem is the Beast comes off a bit pompous, with his boasting of ultimate evil, but he gets his just desserts, so I can’t really complain!

And, so ends our first Doctor Who review! What’d you think? And let’s make sure it stays dead this time, shall we?


Technical Difficulties, Fun, Fun, Fun!

25 Nov

Dear Santa: For Christmas, I’d like…

Complete immortality.

One small tiger.

A cabal of hookers.

Enough drugs for an entire cabal of hookers.

Dora The Explorer.

And a fucking computer that won’t die out 30 minutes before I have to upload so I can’t actually post anything today!

That last one would just be fucking GREAT.

The Doctor Wears Prada: Doctor Who Review, Part Three

24 Nov

Welcome back to our 50th anniversary celebration of Doctor Who, which we’re celebrating with a review of The Impossible Planet, and The Satan Pit! And yes, this IS going on way fucking longer than I thought it would, thanks for asking!

Pictured: The least filthy image when I googled “black holes”.

LAST TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, an asteroid orbiting a black hole that’s being kept in place by a power source in the centre. The Doctor and one of the human miners dig down to find out what it is, and lo and behold, it’s Satan!

Whoopsy daisy!


We come back to… the Beast monologuing about how great he is and how humans suck. (Oh, trust me, that’s like 90% of his damn dialogue.) He even takes the time to threaten Rose Tyler, which means he’s alright in my book!

After taking the time to personally fuck with each of the crew, the Beast says “Lates, I’m out”, and shuts up to let the humans panic. They do, because if something with a tentacled vagina for a face says that you’re a virgin, then clearly things are serious!

The Doctor sighs, makes his radio squeal like a piggy to shut everyone up, and points out that all the Beast’s done so far is show off his psychology degree and take over the Ood, which is quite frankly something anyone with a flash card and a loud voice could do.

But the Beast, like any good horror director, knows that the more you know, the less scary everything is, so he snaps the wire and strands the Doctor and Ida in the pit. Not the pit with the Beast in, or the pit they’re orbiting, but- oh, screw it, you’d need a freaking flow chart to map out all the pits in this episode.

With… math on it? Wait, that’s not right.

Rose and Jefferson contemplate getting them out for about ten seconds, before the next crisis arises: Seems the Ood have found some metal slicers, and are getting the doors open the old fashioned way! (By stabbing them. That’s the old fashioned way. FYI.)

They have ten minutes till the door breaks down, and while Flane in the command centre is still safe, Rose, Jefferson, Danny and Toby are still summarily screwed. Rose kicks the “let’s not die” plan in gear, and holy hell, Rose Tyler is doing the right thing, what is even happening.

Flane realizes that even if the Ood buttfucked the generator in to oblivion, the rocket still has power, so they reroute it and let there be light! Which, considering the way the Beast kept going on about “the darkness”, you can probably hear his erection quietly wilting.

Back down in the pit, with nothing to do, Ida and the Doctor decide to take all the wire that fell and use it to abseil down in to Pit Two: Electric Boogaloo. They’re running out of oxygen, and with nothing smart to do, they might as well do something stupid!

Wait, no, that can’t be right.

Up top, Danny’s created a great list of ways that we can’t stop the Ood with, because that is just oh so fucking helpful. But he eventually hammers out a way to [TECHNOBABBLETECHNOBABBLETECHNOBABBLE] the Ood, but he’ll have to do it from the Ood containment units, because [PLOTPOINT].

Technobabble: For when you absolutely, positively, don’t care!

The only way past all the Ood is through maintenance shafts underneath the base, but as they’re not designed for anything living, there’s no atmosphere. But Flane can fix that, make air bubbles through the whole thing by hand. Well. They say ‘by hand’, but I kind of doubt he’s manually putting the atmosphere in one molecule at a time.

Down in the pit, the Doctor and Ida have finally set up their little rock climbing in-reverse thing, and the Doctor philosophises about the human urge to fall… and then he does so, before she’s ready to actually winch him down.

Wow. What a dick.

She saves him from his own stupidity, and he starts his slow descent down. Meanwhile, up top, the crew is beginning their trek through the jefferies tubes. (See what I did there?) Of course, their daring adventure that will likely result in their grisly deaths starts with… everyone checking out everyone else’s ass.

When does Satan get here, again?

Beelzebub, where are you!

Flane gives them the directions as he feeds them air, until they stop at a gate while he oxygenates the next section. Which is just the perfect excuse for the Ood to catch up! “Hi. Have you heard the word of our tentacley overlord?”

Cue some very cramped chase scenes, with Jefferson lagging behind to shoot more Ood, because lets face it, if you can’t take the time to gun down a few brain washed Ood in your life, then what are you even doing? NOT shooting Ood? You pansy.

They hit the next gate, but Flane can’t fill this section without draining the last section… the one with Jefferson. He gets locked behind with the Ood, and seeing as the door can’t open without draining the air for all the others, Flane drains the air for Jefferson and gives him a nice quiet death.

Or, you know, at least until his corpse is eventually sucked in to the black hole and collapsed in to a pure nothingness.

Fun, fun, fun!

[Ack, time’s run out AGAIN?! Jesus christ, at this rate, I’m gonna have this review down till Christmas! Come back tomorrow for hopefully the LAST part of this review!]

The Devil Came Down To Krop Tor: Doctor Who Review, Part Two

23 Nov

Welcome back to our 50th anniversary celebration of Doctor Who, which we’re celebrating with a review of The Impossible Planet, and The Satan Pit!

(You just have to love any place with ‘Satan’ in the name.)

And yes, I saw “Day of The Doctor“, thought it was good, as long as you plug your ears and hum away the plot points.

LAST TIME: The Doctor and Rose Tyler are stranded on Krop Tor, a hunk of rock orbiting a black hole. Some massive source of energy is not only keeping the planet there, but projecting a massive gravity funnel to let in our team of explorers who wish to steal away the energy source, with their army of tentacle faced servants, the Ood.

Oh, and also, Satan’s there.


After the Doctor and Ida find the mysterious trap door at the bottom of the pit, the voice of ‘The Beast’ hops inside Toby, filling him with the creepy demonic lettering and red eyes like it’s the world’s quickest Satanic make-over. (Hah, take that, Pazuzu!)


“Damn. How do you fit all that on a business card?”

Jefferson threatens him with a gun, so the Beast attacks with his ultimate weapon: Vague guilt! (God, he’s just like every religion.) “TELL ME, JEFFERSON, DID YOUR WIFE EVER FORGIVE YOU? LET ME TELL YOU A SECRET: SHE NEVER DID.”

“God, spoiler warning, geez!”

Apparently vague references aren’t enough to scare off Jefferson, so the Beast sends his demonic symbols off, gives up Toby, and possesses the Ood instead. Oh hell, now you have an army of Zoidbergs to fight!

“Need a Satanic army to pervert the work of God? Why not Zoidberg?”

While the Ood start giving their “we are Legion” speech, they name drop some religious figures… including “Abaddon”, who showed up in Torchwood. Now, considering that the Torchwood Abaddon is supposed to be the Beast’s son, one may reasonably say “what the actual fuck”!

One of the nameless red-shirts gets taken out when the Ood’s little translator ball flies over and shocks him, and the Ood start menacing our team, all the while quoting the Beast’s fucking ad campaign.

“He’s the darkness in the night! He’s the bringer of despair! He’s sin and temptation! He’s Satan, Lucifer, Abaddon! He can cut through a tin can, and still slice through a tomato like that!”

Krop Tor starts shaking, and while Flane exposits about how the planet is losing it’s gravity, down in the centre, the Doctor and Ida watch the trap door open… to reveal another pit.

So… it’s a pit, at the bottom of the pit, on a planet that’s orbiting a pit. And, spoiler alert, at the bottom of this new pit? There’s another pit. It’s like the demonic equivalent of nesting dolls!

And somewhere in there is the TARDIS, which let’s face it, probably has a pit somewhere in there.


“… Which pit are we talking about here?”

The Beast cackles evilly, and part one is over! Part two opens with a ‘previously on’ segment, which cuts to Jefferson and a red-shirt opening fire on the Ood. “What’s that, you’re being brain-washed? Yeah, well, fuck you anyways.”

Flane reports that the planet is re-stabilizing, and Danny joins up with Jefferson, Toby, and Rose in the drill room. He informs them that the interface ball is a weapon now, and to prove it, an Ood walks in and kills the nameless red-shirt!

And nothing of value was lost.

A few Ood are coming for Flane, so he locks down his command centre and grabs a single shot bolt-gun, just in case he finds one Ood he really, REALLY doesn’t like.

Rose finally gets the radio working, and the Doctor and Ida report about the pit. They’re given an express order not to explore the latest in our grand series of pits, because if Satan didn’t actually leave the pit… then he’s still in the pit. And because even the Doctor isn’t dumb enough to jump down and fight the ultimate evil with nothing more than a screwdriver, they decide to leave!

“Aww, but I was getting my hair ready just for you!”

Jefferson has had enough of this whole “the manifestation of Satan himself” crap, and decides to off Toby. But considering that he’s no longer all demony, Rose manages to call him off. Yeeeeah, who wants to bet that’s a bad idea?

(I do! Me, me!)

Ida and the Doctor get ready to head back up, but just before they pull the transport up, the power gets sapped, and the Beast/Ood start their whole ‘I am the darkness, I am the devil, I am the walrus, coo coo cachoo” schtick again.

But the Doctor ain’t havin’ NONE of this crap, and demands to know which devil the Beast is.


“Now, does that include any Lovecraftian monsters? Are you Cthulhu, too? Yog-Sothoth? Nyathlotep? Or what about video games? Are you Diablo? Belial? The Lich King? Or, hey, fuck, are you the Darkspawn?”


“What are you even doing on this rock, anyway? How are you supposed to be ‘the devil’ when you’re about two inches away from falling to your death you pansy?”


“Damn, sounds like fun! Did I miss a party? When was this?”


“… Wait, what?”


“But you can’t be ‘before time’, time is just the term for the progression of events, if whenever that was had things occurring, than there had to be some way to not let it all happen at once. Therefore, the progression of events, or ‘time’, was-”


“But that’s impossible, time isn’t an actual thing you can just-”




“… Okay, you know what, asshole, I’m going to personally shove this black hole so far up your Ood Sphere, you’ll be coughing up Krop Tors.”

[Come back tomorrow for part three!]

The Devil, The Doctor, And Me: Doctor Who Review, Part One

22 Nov

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to our SPECIAL EDITION DOCTOR WHO 50TH ANNIVERSARY POST!

(Jesus, what a mouthful.)

Happy birthday, you beautiful blue box!

Doctor Who is a British science fiction series about a time travelling alien in a big blue box saving pretty much anything he can and killing everything else! It’s a science fiction staple, which you can tell by the fact that nobody’s lit in on fire and stomped up and down on the ashes yet.

In honour of it’s 50th anniversary, I have decided to review an episode! (Also, I’ve wanted to do this since before I started the site, but hush.) Now, seeing as my 666th post was a couple days ago, it’s only fitting that I review The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit!

But first, some back story! The show follows the Doctor, a 900 year old face-changing Time Lord (alien) with his TARDIS, a big blue police box that’s bigger on the inside as he explores all of time and space with a cast of dutiful and useful companions! And also Rose Tyler, for some fucking reason.


The first episode of the two parter opens with the Doctor and his companion… Rose Tyler (oh, for fuck’s sake) dematerializing the TARDIS in a spaceship storage unit. Yes, Doctor Who has the wonders of the universe, and also apparently “Storage Wars In Space”.

The TARDIS didn’t want to land, and the duo consider this a sign that maybe they should leave. But they don’t get paid unless they fill this entire run time, so they stick around. The Doctor uses his mysterious Time Lord ability to pull exposition out of his ass and starts listing the background information. “We’re in a Sanctuary base, deep space exploration base, there’s drilling underneath us, there’s a storm outside, and we’re standing in a cupboard.”

They head off, and find the kind of hello I usually get when I walk in to someone’s house: WELCOME TO HELL.


A giant message, “Welcome to Hell” is painted on the wall, along with some alien language, which the Doctor and Rose can’t recognize. Which is bad, because the TARDIS has it’s own psychic universal translator, which means it translates anything and everything. So something even the TARDIS can’t read is like if Google Translate just told you to fuck off.

They head off to go find the base’s commander, but when they open the door, they’re greeted by pale aliens with tentacles for jaws, carrying little glowing balls strapped up to their face. Well, don’t these guys just look like the happiest little-


– campers.

The Doctor and Rose try to talk their way out, but more and more of the aliens start crowding through the door. Then, the other doors start opening, and more of them walk in, all saying the same thing over and over again.




[Cue credit sequence.]


Oh, you cocktease! Don’t say you’ll eat Rose Tyler and then just leave us hanging!


Turns out the electro-magnetics were fucking with their speech balls (yeah, right, you guys couldn’t look more evil if you stapled horns to your head), and one of the supporting characters rush in to gasp at the fact that two random people have just shown up in the middle of deep space. Oh, trust me, this is Doctor Who. This isn’t even the most impossible thing this episode, never mind the series!

The fellow, Jefferson, takes the Doctor and Rose to the bridge… command centre… consoley room, I dunno! People gasp about the fact that they’re here some more, and an earthquake hits. Quick, everyone pretend that the ground is shaking! Now, flick the light switch!

After the “chaos”, introductions are given out: Jefferson, Captain Flane, Ida, Toby, Danny, Scooti. And now that you know the names of all the disposable characters, I can’t just make crap up! CURSES, FOILED AGAIN.

Ida pulls a switch, and reveals where they are: On a lump of rock… orbiting a black hole.

That sounds problematic.

“We… we should probably stay away from that. Just a thought.”

After establishing just how incredibly impossible it is to orbit a black hole, some details are established: This hunk of rock is Krop Tor, otherwise known as “The Bitter Pill”. The whole planet’s somehow generating a massive gravity field which is how Krop Tor stays in orbit. It also keeps a huge gravity hole open, to let anybody in to the planet while avoiding the black hole, which is also how hookers work.

While the Doctor gets to work calculating how much power this would take, Rose Tyler gets to the important job of laying out backstory for the aliens: They’re called the Ood, and they’re your basic maintenance slave race, nothing interesting, and the first person to make an “odd/Ood” pun dies loudly and messily.

The Doctor’s finally crunched the numbers, and to generate the gravity field, you’d need “a power source with an inverted self-extrapolating reflex of 6 to the power of 6 every 6 seconds”. I know nothing about science or math, so I have no idea if that’s accurate. Instead, here’s a kitten!

See? Kitten!

Such a techno-babble power source could veritably power an empire, so that’s why they’re here: To steal it! Which… would collapse the gravity field and drop them in to the black hole.

You guys didn’t really think this plan through, huh.

The Doctor fuels the Yaoi fangirls by hugging Captain Flane for being so stupid, and they start talking about how the Doctor even got here. “Oh, I have a ship! Over in that storage unit thing!”

“You mean Storage 6?”


“You mean… the part of the base that was dropped in to the core of the planet when the earthquake hit?”

“… Fuck.”

The TARDIS is now stuck in the centre of Krop Tor, which no way to get at it. Which means the Doctor and Rose are stuck on the Impossible Planet, which, and this is the best case scenario, will get dropped in to a black hole the second they yank out the power source. Worst case scenario, the power source is actually an ancient eldritch horror. But I can’t imagine THAT happening!

And it’s not as if this picture is foreboding at all!

Toby starts hearing voices, and meanwhile, Rose is trying to get some food. But while she’s awkwardly chatting with the Ood, he gives he an extra serving of spooky: “THE BEAST AND HIS ARMIES SHALL RISE FROM THE PIT TO MAKE WAR AGAINST GOD.”



Flane has a holographic demon suddenly appear while he’s working, and Danny has the computer warn him that “HE IS AWAKE”, while all the while, the spooky voice is telling Toby not to turn around. “Don’t look. If you look at me, you will die.”

“What, is this the Satanic version of ‘I’m Not Touching You’?”

He naturally turns around, and sees nothing, but soon after, he’s suddenly covered from head to toe in demonic script, and his eyes turn red. “For dry red eye, try Clear Eyes.”

“And on an unrelated note, my nose is itchy.”

The Doctor and Rose get to watch a whole star system get consumed by the black hole, and after that cheery moment, they discuss having to live a normal life without time travel now. And fortunately, they’re interrupted by the Devil calling Rose and telling her “HE IS AWAKE”. Well, good for him, I guess.

They pop down to the Ood, and Danny explains that the Ood all have a low level telepathy. “Basic 5”, and I’m sure we all know what that means! And… oh snap, now it’s basic thirty! Shit just got serious!

The Ood all turn around, and chant about how you will “worship him”. Which is interrupted when Scooti, while searching for Toby, finds him going for a walk… outside.

Without a space suit.


“Hi. Got a minute?”

Toby waves his hand, and the window shatters and Scooti goes flying outside. (And nothing of value was lost.) There’s some chaos, and everybody ends up together in the command centre. Including Toby, now distinctly undemonfied! Well, I’m sure HE won’t be doing anything bad!

They spy Scooti floating outside the window, and there’s a sad moment… which is interrupted when they hear the drills stop. “Well, fuck mourning, we have a giant rock to explore!”

The Doctor volunteers for the mission, and he and Ida hop in to a giant pod and get dropped down Krop Tor. Once they hit the bottom, they start exploring the tunnels, while exchanging pop culture references. Jesus, you might as well have sent ME down there.

Up with the Ood, Danny reports that the Ood are staring at him, while the scale is at basic 100. Which is apparently their equivalent of “brain death”.

… Why do you have a scale for that? Are you lobotimizing a lot of Ood in your off hours? Well, it’s better than what I do in my spare time, at least!

Down in Krop Tor, they manage to find a massive trap door, covered in runes. Presumably, the titular pit. “Hey, Toby, you’re the expert! Do you know what the symbols mean?”

“… I know what they mean.”

“Really? What are they?”


“… Oh. Alright then.”

[Come back tomorrow for part two!]

There’s Always Time For Unicorns

21 Nov

On the brilliant and opalescent coasts,

With all it’s shimmering, buried ghosts,

A house with peering spires sat,

With stained glass windows, topped with a top hat.

In the upper floor of these magnificent home,

Sat an wise old man, with his wise old bones.

He’d spent his youth making money, you see,

Which left him with little to do when he reached one hundred ninety three.

His family, daughters and sons and so on,

Stood around him, ‘fore his time to move on.

Before his death from old age and from pills,

It was time to ask for his will.

The eldest son asked him, and the old man started

What would he like to do before he dearly departed?

The billionaire sat, in his towers of porn,

And he said quite clearly, “I’d like a unicorn.”