Welcome back to Shockingly Finite, our multi-part analysis of Bioshock: Infinite! And remember, you’re only allowed to gleefully celebrate Slate’s death if you’ve brought streamers and noise makers for everyone!
*phweeeeeeee*
PREVIOUSLY, ON SHOCKINGLY FINITE: Elizabeth and I have FINALLY managed to gun down all those war heroes and grabbed our electrical Deus Ex Machina! Now to fight our way out of Shockingly Racist Disney Land!
Ahem!
After chugging down the Shock Jockey and getting my hands covered in electric crystals over it, Elizabeth asks me about killing. “Do you ever get used to it, Mr. DeWitt? The killing?”
“Well, I never got an erection over it, if that’s what you’re asking!”
“… Darn.”
On the way out through the exhibit, we find Slate’s men standing around, ready for an “epic” fight. And on a completely unrelated note, they’re standing in a pool of water HMM I WONDER WHAT I SHOULD DO.
ZOT.
Apparently “electricity + water” not only fries people, but it makes the goon’s heads explode, then disintegrate their corpses. I presume it also tickled them in just the wrong spot and stubbed all of their toes at the same time!
We make it to the lobby, filled with more of Slate’s schmucks, and I take the time to personally ram my birds down each and everyone’s ass. “Mr. DeWitt, I can tell what Slate said bothered you.”
“What are you talking about, I’m having a wonderful time!”
I grab a sniper rifle, and get stopped by another busted power conduit. “Oh, jesus fuck, who designed this crap? The stuff in Rapture didn’t break this easily, and that stuff was held together with chewing gum and pretension!”
“… Rapture?”
“Think of a goldfish bowl filled with mind rape.”
And masquerade masks.
We finally get out of the Hall of Whores- er, Heroes, to find Comstock’s and Slate’s men fighting. “Oooh, me oh my, I’ve got my own genuine war zone! I bet ya five bucks I can clear the whole damn thing with headshots!”
“Mr. DeWitt, don’t be ridiculous! I can just Tear in that flying turret over other, there’s no need to-”
“Nah, that’s boring.”
*blam*
*blam*
*blam*
*blam*
*blam*
*blam*
*blam*
“… What the actual fuck, Mr. DeWitt.”
“Ew, now I have jaw bone in my drink.”
We hop on to the skyrail and speed away, only to find another group of soldiers flying around and shooting me. “Oooh, please, Mr. DeWitt! Let me open that Tear and conjure in that Motorized Patriot!”
“Depends, do you promise to stop masturbating through your dress?”
“… Give me five minutes to think about it.”
After we watch the Motorized Patriot make quick work of the troops while we eat snacks, our final stop on the skyrail comes complete with soldiers and one Fireman. What, did every soldier in the world suddenly decide they wanted to attend the Whore of Heroes- er, Hall of Heroes?
A quick smattering of headshots, birds, and hookdrills later, and they’re all dead, Dave. So, once Elizabeth’s past her orgasm, she starts up again. “Um, Mr. DeWitt?”
“The name’s Booker. Please, it’s easier to type- er, I mean, say.”
“I’ll be certain to attend to that distinction, Booker, when there’s a moment we’re not being shot at!”
“… Oh, okay, fuck you.”
“You’re REALLY not convincing me not to shoot.”
The reason for her unnatural level of bitchiness is apparently she’s spotted supplies, and she points me to a bar. In it is a fair amount of loot and corpses, as well as a Vox Populi cipher on the wall. Oh, great, now I have to scour the level for a code book. Anyone remembers the Blue’s Clues theme song?
My grand search takes me to a candy shop, where I eat all the cotton candy and Elizabeth loots the cash register, and the ticket booth, where I find a flaming shirt and Elizabeth sounds confused, until I find the code book lodged in a cannon. So… not the best projectile, I assume?
The code we found turns out to be “Tip the hat to the Vox”, which naturally equals “we’ve hidden a secret workshop which can be opened if you go tug on that hat rack”. Okay, yeah, that’s the PERFECT way to hide a secret passage: Behind a thing that gets tipped over a lot, and if you tip it over, it opens it!
BEAUTIFUL.
Now, with everything thoroughly well looted, we head back on our way! We pass a huge empty display case with ‘Motorized Patriot’ on the side, and… wait. Empty?
…
Fuck.
“Hi. Got a minute?”
Now, yeah, I keep making those “kill everyone with a headshot” jokes… but that’s only because I actually keep doing it. And, hey, I may not be one for boasting… but I do manage to kill the Patriot with two headshots before he manages to get a single shot off.
Please, draw your own conclusions.
We hop in to the elevator (You know, the one from A Hole In The World? Where she opened a Tear and almost got us killed to get rid of a bee?) and start the customary elevator ride/exposition. “So, Elizabeth, I don’t quite understand those Tears of yours!”
“Neither do I!”
“Okay, well, you’re just a big damn help, huh.”
“Well, Booker, when I was little, I remember actually being able to make Tears instead of just opening them! I went anywhere, but I always wanted to come back here!”
“So… you didn’t actually need me to let you out?”
“… I guess not.”
“Gotcha. So, I’m not saving you from your tyrannical father, I’m saving you from your own fucking laziness!”
“Zzzzzzzzzz… should probably escape one of these days… zzzzzzzzzzz…”
We finally find our way back to Soldier’s Field, and walk over to the gondola station. I shock it, which naturally fixes it immediately, and call the gondola. Unfortunately, that apparently also calls Comstock over the intercom! “MY DEAR SWEET ELIZABETH, HE WILL ABANDON YOU!”
“… Could you not call her ‘my dear’? I’m having enough trouble forgetting that ‘probable incest’ crap.”
“ONCE HE HAS WHAT HE NEEDS, HE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE! WHAT ELSE CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A LIAR AND KILLER OF WOMEN!”
“God, why does everyone keep bringing up the whole ‘killer of women’ thing! I said I was sorry!”
“Father- er, prophet- er, asshole- whoever you are! I’m leaving and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”
“OH, SWEET CHILD… THAT IS WHERE YOU’RE WRONG!”
“Nice work, Elizabeth, taunt the religious extremist with a tiny dick, I’m sure that won’t go badly in any way!”
“HEY, I DON’T HAVE A TINY DICK!”
“Oh, please. You’ve got a Little Sister in your pants, while I’m swingin’ around a Big Daddy!”
And that makes a vagina… a Boy of Silence, maybe? And a dildo is a Motorized Patriot?
Comstock decides that the best way to safely return his daughter is… send gunships full of soldiers over the horizon to pepper Soldier’s Field with rockets! Of course, how obvious!
“Dammit, there are too many of them! Quick, Elizabeth, lay down a beat!”
“… Wait, what?!”
“I’m going to sing them a song of fierce battle! Any suggestions?”
“… Please don’t sing-”
“It’s down to me! Kill ’em all just ’cause I can!
Third big fight, ‘gainst a second string team, and one awful plan!
It’s up to me! This is what I came here for!
Had enough slaughter but the slaughter wants more!
I don’t want to straighten up, fightin’ as they fly right, I just wanna skyride ’round a while, and, bust a flying city up, ’cause fuck Comstock!
And I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already!
*guitar solo*
You don’t know, who you’re tryin’ to take from me!
You don’t like it messy but by god, I like it messy, so it’s gonna be!
Wind the drill! Hook it up and grind their brains!
You can see the bottom when I push you that way!
I don’t want to straighten up, fightin’ as they fly right, I just wanna skyride ’round a while, and, bust a flying city up, ’cause fuck Comstock!
And I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeel better already, and I feeeeeeel better already!”
“…”
“… Are they dead yet?”
“NO!”
“Dammit!”
After the musical number fails, bullets and hookdrills manage to save the day! Elizabeth picks the lock on the gondola, and we’re on our way! Elizabeth, and the writers, decides to pass the time with some dialogue!
“Booker, when you were on the beach, you kept repeating some woman’s name.”
“I’d… really rather not talk about it!”
“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry! … Where are you from?”
“… I thought you said you didn’t mean to pry.”
“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry! … What did you do?”
“… Siiiiiiigh. Detective work, and professional badass. Not stuff you generally put on a resume, unless you’re applying for a job as the Punisher.”
“Well, it was certainly fine that you came along when you did!”
“Why do you think I even came here? I was gambling. And now I owe money to some people you would really rather not owe money to! Me busting you out- what did you think that was? Just your general fairy tale rescue?”
“Who sent you?”
“People who were willing to take my marker in exchange for you.”
“… That’s not an actual answer.”
“Yeah, I know, I’m just stalling till the plot twist.”
“Damn, the plot twist’s running late today.”
The gondola lands, and we head off to… wait. I forget, what’s the plot?
…
Oh, right! Find the airship! Damn, I kinda forgot over the whole “killing war heroes” thing!
Anyway, the big gate for the airship is filled with more goons, who have no answer for a swift hookdrill to the face. After killing them all, I step behind a corner for a minute, and, I swear this is true, I come back to find Elizabeth crouched with her skirt over a corpses head.
“… Do you need a minute?”
“Yes. Yes, that would be appreciated, thank you.”
After she’s done, we’re on the elevator to the airship, with the “False Shepherd” PSA on the wall. “So, Booker, looks like they call you the False Shepherd.”
“And you’re the Lamb. Baaa.”
“Let’s not call each other that.”
“Let’s.”
“…”
“…”
“Baaa.”
“Baaaaa.”
“Baaaaa.”
We finally find the airship, and after stealing all the money on the counter, we’re off! I slide up to the console and immediately know how to pilot the airship, because I’m fucking awesome, that’s why! I set the coordinates, and settle in for the ride.
“You alright, Elizabeth?”
“I wanna see Paris. I wanna see… everything!”
“Well, that’s up to you now! Nobody will control what you do ever again-”
“Wait, Booker, that’s not the coordinates for Paris, that’s New York!”
“… Shit.”
“I had a lot of time in that tower! Time enough to discover several things you can do with a table leg, true, but I also learned about geography!”
“Look, I owed money. And there’s a fellow, he offered to wipe away my debt in exchange for you.”
“Waaaaaaah! Waaaaah, waaaaaaah, waaaaaaaah!”
“Oh, stop crying! It just-”
“Waaaaaaaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!”
“Elizabeth, I’m sor-”
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Fortunately for people who aren’t a fan of crying, a ‘Talk to Elizabeth’ prompt appears, and I walk over to her. “C’mon, everything is going to be okay! Just turn around and talk to me, and we can-”
“RAAAAARGH!”
… Which is the exact moment that she smashes my face in with a pipe wrench.
“Oh, you stupid fucking biiiiiiiii-”
Fall to the floor.
Fade to black.
“Remind me to shoot you for this later.”
A VERY STRANGE PLACE 