Nightmare Moon Versus The World: My Little Pony, “Friendship Is Magic” Review, Part Two

Welcome back to our My Little Pony review, and- BAM MORE PONY PORN.

Aaaaaaand you can no longer maintain an erection! You’re WELCOME.

… Yeah, sorry, but I figured you’d want to get a clear view of what you’d be getting in to right off the back. Anyway! Back to reviewing the first two episodes of My Little Pony!

Last episode, on My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic: It’s the thousand year anniversary of the imprisonment of Nightmare Moon, the pony-queen of darkness, and now that she’s on parole, has come to Ponyville (ugh) to fight Princess Celestia’s seven evil exes!

Ahem!

After we get our own “previously on segment” (GODDAMMIT THAT IS MY THING), we get back to the episode. Nightmare Moon makes for the exit, despite the fact that, you know, she has ultimate fucking power. What, didn’t want to scuff up your hooves?

Twilight Sparkle heads back in to her library to start researching how to deal with Cthulhu-Pony, and the rest of the gang- you know, Rainbow Goth, Blandity, Alduin, Brokeback Pony, That Buttery One, and The Pink Abomination- all gather around to help research. They find the book about their magical MacGuffin, which tells them that the “Elements Of Harmony”, whatever the fuck they are, are in the Trademark Dark Spooky Forest. Of fucking course, why wouldn’t it be.

One dissolve later and the whole gang is there, and Twilight Sparkle tries to tell them to very diplomatically fuck off. But of course, friendship is better than sex, so Brokeback tells T.S. that she’s stuck with them. Oh, right, I forgot the second moral lesson of this show: Brokeback Pony wants to ride T.S like a bedside carousel!

… Ahem.

As they wander the spooky haunted forest, Rainbow Goth tries to spook them with a scary story, which causes the entire mountain to fall down. Well. That’s what happens when you sin against God, ponies, he smites you, I hope you’re happy.

Rainbow Goth, Brokeback, and the Buttery one save everyone, which is so nic-

“RAAAAAAAAAWR!”

… Oh. Right. It’s the next challenge. Could we maybe have a little breathing room between the forces of Satan, pretty please?

This time around, it’s a manticore, who manages to kick everyone’s ass, until the Buttery one pulls a thorn out of it’s paw. Yes, little known fact, paws are actually weak points for massive damage! After everyone leaves, it turns out that the thorn was really Nightmare Moon in disguise, and she rushes ahead to set up the next problem. Annnnd it’s a series of demonic trees. Okay, who’s turn is it to save the team this time?

…

The Pink Abomination?

…

Okay, hand me the suicide gun.

…

What’s that? She’s saving the day with a musical number?

…

Okay, hand me the Pony Killing Gun.

They sing the trees away (… moving on), and our next trial is a raging river and a whiny river dragon. Okay, well, seeing as it’s Blandity’s turn, and her only personality trait thus far is being prissy, the dragon is of course being whiny about his physical appearance. Sigh. Resolve the plot in one, two, three… moving on!

Next, they find the ruins where the “Elements Of Harmony” are stored up, and Rainbow Goth flies across a gap to tie a bridge for the others, and Nightmare Moon plays up some illusions to try and convince Rainbow Goth to go all evil. And, of course, it works and Rainbow Goth kills the whole team-

Hah hah hah, just kidding. Sadly.

They make it in the ruins, and after they gather all the Elements together, Nightmare Moon steals both them, AND Twilight Sparkle! And she takes them to her dastardly hideout… five feet away. Gee. Nice try, but you kinda rolled a one on the whole “arch villainy” thing.

Twilight Sparkle tries to activate the Elements of Harmony anyway, but Nightmare Moon just bitch slaps her away and smashes the stupid crap. But, oh ho ho, you thought THAT could kill this plot? YOU HAVEN’T MET TWILIGHT SPARKLE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

T.S realizes that the team (sans Alduin, who’s not here, because we hate him… apparently) represent the Elements of Harmony, because of blah blah blah metaphor, and they all join together, and-

– Exactly, they nuke Eldritch-Abomination pony from fucking orbit! And then, just as they’re admiring their new fancy Elements of Harmony jewellery, Princess “Sit On Her Fucking Ass And Hope Everything Sorts Itself Out” Celestia shows up and claims this was aaaaaaall according to plan. Yeah, sure, you totally intended a momentary apocalypse to be solved by magic artillery strikes!

Turns out, Nightmare Moon isn’t evil any more, because, well, the Equestria Girls movie taught us that getting your fucking ass kicked turns you good again, despite all the ruptured organs! They throw a party, everything’s happy, and we leave off with the Pink Abomination teaching us to hate again.

So, that was the first two episodes of My Little Pony! How was it?

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…

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Okay, fine, it wasn’t that bad. I actually kinda liked it!

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…

…

Oh god, trying to approve of something HUUUUURTS.

Sucking Her Sugar Cubes: My Little Pony, “Friendship Is Magic” Review, Part One

I really ought to change my name! I mean, maybe A Very Erection Killing Place would be more fitting, because we’re back to My Little Pony! Annnnnd you know what that means! MORE PONY PORN!

And thank your lucky stars I censored it for you.

Today, I figured views could use another bump- er, I mean, I’d give you all a treat, and review the first episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic! I mean, I already did Equestria Girls, might as well figure out exactly what was happening in it!

Ahem!

Our first episode opens with a story book narrator, talking about the backstory. Okay, here we go: In Equestria, there were two unicorns, Day Unicorn and Night Unicorn. Day Unicorn brought day, Night Unicorn brought night. As if you couldn’t fucking tell.

Anyway, eventually Night Unicorn got pissy that she’s stuck with the night, and became Nightmare Moon because… you become Satanic when you get mad, don’cha know. Day Unicorn wasn’t having any of that shit, so used the Force- er, witchcraft- er, psychic powers- er, “Elements of Harmony”, and stuck Nightmare Moon on… well, the moon.

YOU SHUT IT.

Shiny Royal Day Unicorn took on both the moon and the sun, because… apparently that’s something you can just do yourself. (Seriously, why did we need two of them? Why didn’t you just hire a magical intern?) And we zoom out, to see Twilight Sparkle reading the boo! … Aloud to herself. Alone. In an empty field.

… Methinks somepony’s gone a wee bit ’round the bend.

Annnnnd- oh god, the theme song. It’s… it’s… why yes, it DOES make me flashback to me days in ‘Nam, thanks for asking!

[Editor’s Note: You never WENT to Vietnam.]

You don’t know that! I have a LIFE when you’re not around, you know!

Anyway, after you’re done contemplating self harm and confessing all your sins, we see Twilight Sparkle getting asked to go hang out at a party by three ponies whom I’ve never seen before, so I assume they’ll never matter again. Yes, yes, nice meeting you, redshirts, go die in animation irrelevance now. Twilight Sparkle blows them off to go study, because she’s never seen this show before and doesn’t know that uniting with her friends is better than a fucking artillery strike!

She runs… home, I guess, though it looks more like Elizabeth’s room in Bioshock: Infinite, and uses her magical powers to make a mess of the whole place. She’s looking for a book, see, because she’s trying to research the “Elements of Harmony”, and in the process, bitch slapping Alduin, that green little dragon thingy! Oh, I FORGOT why I liked Twilight Sparkle! Hit him once for me!

… GAAAAAAAAAH THAT IS NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT.

Twilight Sparkle finds the book she’s looking for, and it fills us in that once the stars align, Nightmare Moon will get free and destroy the world with eternal night. Um. I’m sorry, was this My Little Pony, or Call Of Cthulhu?! Alduin writes a letter to Princess Shiny Regal Sun Pony Celestia, Twilight Sparkle’s mentor, who quickly tells them to shut the fuck up and get some fresh air. No, really, as in she gets them a royal guard to take them to… ugh, “Ponyville”, just so she can get a life. And, considering the fandom that’s developed, also get laid. Lets face it, it’s inevitable.

Twilight Sparkle is… less than enthusiastic about her new job, “get the town ready for the upcoming festival”, and she’s even less enthusiastic when… the Pink Abomination shows up. Oh god, she’s here! Kill her now! SLAY THAT PINK MONSTROSITY OR I SWEAR TWILIGHT SPARKLE I WILL DO IT MYSELF! HER REIGN OF TERROR MUST BE STOPPED NOW!

 … Erm. Anyway, that… thing runs off, and Twilight Sparkle checks in with Brokeback Mountain, who’s running the apple farm. Annnnnd cue crazy shenanigans involving rednecks? Good god, it’s like the Equine version of I Spit On Your Grave.

Next on the list of “establishing character moments”, Twilight Sparkle checks on Rainbow Goth, the pony in charge of clearing the sky of cloud. Because… that’s a thing ponies can do now? She smacks around Twilight Sparkle a bit, expresses her character traits, annnnnnd moving on. Oi! Next character introduction! Come on, we ain’t got all day!

Twilight Sparkle runs in to Rarity, the pony in charge of being completely fucking bland- er, I mean, decorations! She does her “yammer yammer talk about friendship and character traits” routine a bit more, and Spike is… bizarrely in to her. Jesus, you wouldn’t think someone could pitch a tent when they’re not wearing pants.

Presented without comment.

Okay, who’s left? Oh, right, that shy buttery pony! Her trait… is that she is shy.

…

…

…

Moving on.

Twilight Sparkle finally gets away from Buttery and gets home, where… oh god. The Pink Abomination has thrown her a surprise party. And, naturally, the first thing Twilight Sparkle does is pour herself a nice, stiff drink. Because of course she does, Twilight Sparkle is my spirit animal. Now all you have to do is shank that pink… thing, and you can take your place at my side!

Twilight Sparkle hides away from the party, because she is apparently me, before everypony gets called to meet Princess Celestia for the raising of the sun. And of course, she doesn’t show up! Why, what could have happened-

“CTHULHU FTAGHN TAAAAHG.”

Oh. Right. Cthulhu Pony. Almost forgot we had an ancient eldritch horror in this story.

Nightmare Moon cackles maniacally, as an evil villain is wont to do, annnnnd what’s that? To be continuted? Oh, right, this is a two-part episode! Come back next time, and find out just WHO is pregnant with whose baby!

… That happens in this show, right?

Omegle What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

I swear to god, one of these days, I’m just going to hire somebody to come up with these titles. It’s simpler than just randomly mashing pop culture references with the word “Omegle” and hoping desperately that something coherent will happen. Which, of course, IT NEVER FUCKING DOES!

… Erm. Yeah, anyway. Omegle. I mock it. Moving on.

Ahem!

are you gay??

I dunno, lemme check.

Yup.

You are gonna die next.check all your windows

I ALREADY AM A WINDOW.

*plot twist*

 how many times have you had sex?

I’m pretty sure I’m in negative numbers at this point. If I have any less sex, my genitals are going to collapse in on themselves and punch a hole through the space/time continuum. 

How does it make you feel that I have set known rapists in my area on fire?

The fact that it’s “pluralled” really makes me worried. What, do you live in Rapeytown Junction, home of the Rapetown Cougars? Rapetown, U.S.A?

What is the most effective way to build upper body strength in 2 months?

A scalpel, a tire pump, and no questions.

I love everything about the female butt

And you find yourself incapable of telling falsehoods about them?

i ate my hand

So there really IS porn about everything.

My boyfriend barely kissed me all day, do you think it was a coincidence or he just doesnt like me anymore?

Clearly, he has been sucking EVERY cock, and now his mouth permanently tastes like a bus station bathroom.

Do you have a movie suggestion?

Well, lemme tell you about a little movie called Trash Humpers…

MAGICAL DIFFICULTIES

Oh my GOD, I am just so fucking done with today! With all the- and the terrible- and my crippling inadequacy- gah! I am just so looking forward to sitting down, writing my next post, and-

*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

… Oh, right. I forgot I tend to fry technology when I’m in a bad mood. Game called on account of magic, people, check back in tomorrow!

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON

Hey, everybody, this month was officially OUR MOST VIEWED MONTH YET! Celebrate! Throw confetti in the air! Have sex in unwise places! Get drunk-

[Editor’s Note: Hey, wait a second, wasn’t last month also the most viewed month at the time?]

… Well, yeah, I guess so.

[Editor’s Note: And wasn’t the month before that also the most viewed month at it’s time?]

… From a certain point of view, I suppose.

[Editor’s Note: And before that?]

… HEY LOOK, SMOKEBOMB!

*pssshhhh*

*run run run*

Rapping Up The Smut: Pornhub Review

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…

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There is a Pornhub rap song.

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…

WHAT THE F-

Um. Okay, so… wow, this is a thing that happened. According to the behind the scenes article that led me to this… “marvel”, Hi-Rez over there is a twenty-something Florida rapper- wait, this came from FLORIDA?! Well, there’s your fucking problem right there!

Anyway, apparently this guy wanted a lifetime subscription to Pornhub, an adult site (as if you couldn’t fucking tell), so he recorded this rap for them. I… wait, a lifetime subscription? Isn’t Pornhub… you know, free? Jesus, who knew a guy who devoted so much of his time to a rap about smut could know so little about it.

“Pornhub is my favorite site

Morning, afternoon, and night”

Wow, you’re devoting THAT much time to masturbation? Nobody has ever told you about chafing, huh.

“Black, Asian, Spanish, and White”

Why, yes, we were already kind of assuming you weren’t a bigot about the women you jerk off to, but thanks for having to take the time to prove that.

“Live chat for a low ass price

Mobile app on my cell phone”

Cell phone? Dude, the video SHOWS you using a laptop, why the cell phone all of a sudden? Decided that, hey, tits are great, but they’d rock if they were too tiny to actually see?

And hey, speaking of the music video, lets talk about it! It’s pretty accurate, considering that it’s putting together the worst parts of a rap video, AND a porno! Oooh, yes, putting the awkward, over-the-top, forced eroticism of porn with the open misogyny of a rap video together, it’s like the diametric opposite of two great tastes that taste great together.

Like the Negative Universe Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

“Jerking off ’til my el-bow

Is fucking sore as hell though”

… THEN STOP MASTURBATING. Seriously, if you’re getting to the point of physical injury with his wanking, put the dick down, step away from the computer, and do LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE! Hell, grab a fleshlight if you think it’ll help, just stop trying to beat your dick in to submission!

“I don’t really care though”

Oh, okay, you’re a fucking dumbass, carry on.

“Bad bitches with a fat ass

Pornhub in the back of class”

… Hi-Rez, please stop yanking it in public, there are children here.

“And while I’m driving I hope I don’t crash”

This has gone beyond simple enjoyment of masturbation. No, this is like some kind of bizarre, life ruining compulsion, that is CAUSING HI-REZ TO KILL PEOPLE WITH HIS FUCKING CAR! Dude, maybe nobody told you, but mangled corpses aren’t sexy!

…

To most people, anyway.

… I may be wrong.

“I like my girls skinny, thick, and fat

Missionary with a White girl

Cowgirl with a Black girl”

We get it, you’re not racist, go on already! And, seriously, dude. Stop trying to insert yourself in to these sex boasts, a guy who does THIS much masturbating obviously hasn’t touched a vagina since he got shoved out one.

“There’s naughty girls and there’s nice girls

There’s good girls and there’s bad girls”

Rhyming Words With Themselves: Helping lazy writers since the dawn of fuck you!

“With pussy I ain’t picky”

That’s… not really something to boast about. “Pssh, I’m such a hardcore gangster, I have absolutely no standards for my sexual partners!”

“I still leave bite marks and hickeys

No wifing up just a quickie”

So, to recap, he thinks you have a terrible vagina, he masturbates twenty-four seven in public, puts people at risk, and no matter how much physical trauma he leaves on his partner’s vagina, he’ll never consider making them a long term commitment?

…

But on the bright side, at least he’s still not racist.

… Yay?

“Rolling up blowing on that sticky

I watch Pornhub when I’m at the club”

Yep, he does drugs while he wanks it in public too! Seriously, are you doing this simultaneously? Smoking pot in one hand, wanking with the other? Impressive, admittedly, but try not to mix those up and jam a lit weed up your dick!

“Pornhub when I’m eating subs

Pornhub in the bathtub

Girls face down with they ass up

Believe that”

No, no, I don’t think I DO believe that. I refuse to believe that you simultaneously wank while eating sandwiches, taking a bath, and… giving girls a time out?

… Not even sure I want to know, really.

Anyway, so that was Pornhub, and-

[Editor’s Note: Actually, that was just the first verse.]

Wait, WHAT?! Does anything exciting happen in the second verse?

[Editor’s Note: Um, lemme see… saying that everyone likes sluts, talking about how he wants to boink hot moms, and saying that world peace could be achieved by copious use of vaginas.]

… My god. The idea that this whole thing was made high of his ass suddenly makes a LOT more sense.

Going Vanilla

You know, I have to wonder, how LONG has it been since I watched a horror movie without reviewing it? Jesus, a year? Maybe two? I should try not reviewing it! Hmm, dial up… oh, lets say, Creature!

…

Okay, this is… wow, this is pretty bad.

…

Thank you, that random tit shot was very necessary.

…

Um. Hello, incest, nice to see you today.

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…

…

OH MY GOD I CANNOT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE! 

For Little Girls Get Bigger Every Day: Dark Touch Review, Part Four

You know, I think I’m starting to see the errors in my “spend a thousand words per twenty minutes of film” master plan: It takes me a goddamned WEEK to get anything done! Seriously, you wouldn’t think “girl ghost-fucks abusive parents” would take me this long.

“Show me on this dark where he touched you.”

Previously, on Dark Touch: Neve consistently kills people with her magic ghost powers, and everyone seems surprised that she’s not the most popular girl in school. But she somehow got invited to another girl’s birthday party, because this movie is trying to keep it’s infant mortality rate going!

Ahem!

Neve shows up to the party, with her brand new creepy doll (insert JoCo song here), but it’s pretty clear Neve wants nothing to do with this collection of brats. Of course, Nat apparently thinks “forcing the traumatized child to do something she hates” is not nearly important as slapping a motherfucker, so she tosses her ass in regardless! Wow, even when she’s not being physically abusive, this woman has the parental instincts of a deaf polecat.

All the little girls are playing with their dollies under the hot sun, but either she’s in a birthday party with the Children of the Corn, or she’s having a psychotic episode. Regardless, all the girls start insulting Neve and staring at her, so she just lights all the dolls on fire with her mind. Hah hah, eat hot melting plastic, creepy British girls! Nat runs outside to help, but when the ghosts are a’rocking, the tables are a’knocking in to her and pinning her to the wall.

Neve calms down a bit, and after staring at all of the little girls, compels them to wander towards the fire. Well, obviously, they need to walk through the fire, and let it-

– burn, yes, I was just getting to that.

The other mom runs out and breaks the trance, so all of the little girls run inside, but somehow in the chaos, Neve disappears. Quick, in to the Terrible Mother Figure Mobile! Scour the country! Not a single little girl will be left unslapped with you on the job!

Eventually, Nat’s search ends with a simple fade to black, and we cut to her two other kids, waking up in the middle of the night to fetch some milk cartons. My god. The diabolic… ness? Diabolicocity? Diabolicipedes? Anyway, spooky shit. The duo gather up food and supplies, and meet Neve at the school, followed by… an entire mob of possessed little kids?! Did… did I miss something? Since when did this switch from Carrie to The Pied Piper Snapped?!

Neve leads all the kids inside the school, but the second they’re all inside, Neve and the two sibling-ish ones leave, and smash the entire building in to toothpicks with their minds. See, this is what happens when you don’t teach your children how NOT to wish someone in to a cornfield. Cut over to Nat, who is apparently STILL driving around the countryside, looking for Neve, and is finally checking her old house. And of course, that’s where she is! Because… I dunno, the set was cheap?

Nat follows Neve in to the parents bedroom, and after hearing a baby crying, as well as that high pitched whine that’s been following her around, she starts flashing back. Not sure to WHAT, mind, but she does the whole Wayne’s World schtick and everything. When she comes back, she chases Neve downstairs to demand answers, and gets fucked over by a ghostly end table for her troubles. Neve, naturally, starts lighting candles. Yeah, spoiler alert, this whole thing was just a PSA against incense.

After such a mighty… light tapping with the end table, Nat is crippled, and she tries to answer her phone to talk to Lucas, and despite Neve tossing the phone away, we cut to… Lucas is here! Gee, sure was important that they through THAT in there, I mean, if they didn’t, the movie would have been a minute shorter. Lucas demands answers, and slaps Neve across the face- Okay, goddammit, people, stopping bitch slapping the demigod. Ghosts, show them what I mean.

*CRUNCH*

THANK you.

The ghosts smash a plank of wood on both Nat’s and Lucas’s hands and feet, and with them at her disposal, Neve… pulls off Lucas’s belt, strips naked, starts smoking a cigarrette, and grinds it out on Nat’s neck?

…

I think I like this new movie more.

Next scene, Nat and Lucas… are naked (why hello, random tit shot, how lovely to have you awkwardly shoehorned in today), in a bathtub of blood, getting scrubbed by their children. Well, you know, it was certainly nice of the movie to suddenly go BATSHIT FUCKING INSANE all of a sudden!

Suddenly, Neve is dressing them up again, talking to them like they’re her children, and next, she’s… brushing Nat’s hair with a knife? And before you have time to process that, it’s time for dinner! Make sure to wash your hands first, shoving any semblance of common sense to it’s knees and slapping it with your own cock tends to leave germs!

Dinner is, overall, an awkward mess, so Neve decides to lighten the whole affair up. No, literally. Billy Joel, think you can summarize this?

Yes, that’s right, the little motherfucker douses the whole affair in kerosene, and as the adults scream their last breath, she starts crying blood.

…

Okay, fine, I’ll do the joke.

Easiest. Joke. Ever.

So, that was Dark Touch! How was it? Pretty good!

I gotta say, I was surprised! Neve is a surprisingly good actor, in fact, all of the kids are, the ghost effects are good (and yes, Neve was totally possessed by the ghost of Nat and Lucas’s dead daughter, so I can totally fucking call them ghost effects, just try and stop me), and writing isn’t half bad- really, give it a watch!

…

Also, seriously, people, stop bitch slapping little girls. They tend to have super powers.

Without Them, What Would Little Boys Do? Dark Touch Review, Part Three

Just… just to be clear, do ANY of you know what those titles are referencing? Any idea at all?

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Seriously? None of you?

…

You guys suck.

Previously, on Dark Touch: Neve, our bargain bin Alessa Gillespie, is being stalked by the most proactive ghosts in movie history. They’ve followed her over to House Number… Two? Three? Chronology, are you there?Anyway, ghost gon’ fuck things up.

Ahem!

We come back, to Neve walking down the streets in the middle of the night, humming “Mockingbird”. Aww, what a shame, I hoped she was about to leap in to the Eminem rap. She wanders around, probably passing the Trash Humpers, until she finds her way to an abusive mother, beating her children. Neve walks in, and apparently the ghosts had nothing better to do, because they pin the mother against the wall with a cabinet. Annnnnnnd of course, nobody has any questions about this. Why, of course, oak wood is often a spiteful bitch.

The kids beg her to take them with her, but Neve says “fuck that noise”, and leaves. But, apparently, that’s just because she doesn’t want to get blood on her clothes when the ghosts go to town, because after Neve steps out, the ghosts begin their “murder somebody using every single item in their house” routine. Only this time, the mother goes the extra step of still trying to beat her children while she’s getting murdered.

Jesus, lady, there’s “being a dick”, and then there’s “from hell’s heart, I bitch slap thee”.

After Neve gets picked up by her… new fatherish guy, I guess, in the middle of the street, we cut to the next day. The cops are questioning Nat and fatherish guy, apparently Lucas, because of the similar circumstances of “ghost fuckery”.

… Oh, and Neve’s fingerprints are at the crime scene. I guess that too.

Fingerprints: More conclusive than ghosts?!

Things are awkward around the little hellspawn for a while, because of the whole “accused of a boatload of homicides” thing, and Neve proceeds to stare sadly out of windows for a while. Eh, everyone needs a hobby. And of course, when Neve tries to play with all the other kids at school, they all react to her like, hey, you got tied to two massive gory murder cases, what’s up with that. Gee, it’s almost like someone can’t get away with murder in this country any more!

One of the parents convinces her kid to invite Neve to a birthday party, but that doesn’t stop the ghosts from rattling their sabres while she’s getting stressed out in class. Cracking the glass, shaking the knives, crumbling the ceiling tiles, and so on. But apparently Neve is smart enough to connect “shaking things” with “horrible murder”, and sprints out of the classroom. Aww, and I thought this movie was trying to keep it’s infant fatality rate going!

Neve runs off to the welfare lady, and tells her about how people tend to die when she gets upset, but the welfare lady just brushes it off. “Pssh, what’s that? You’re murdering people with your mind? Fuck that! Lets go get some tater tots!” They talk a bit, about normal life stuff, and totally not about being able to kill people with her mind. You can tell that’s not what they’re talking about, because the welfare lady then invites Neve to touch her baby-stomach.

And no, the second Neve touches it, it DOESN’T explode in a massive geyser of blood. Yes, yes, I was shocked too.

And disappointed.

Like this, but, you know. With vaginas.

Neve’s teacher, whom Neve keeps getting tense around, walks in and reveals that he’s the baby’s father, and… everyone just sits around and awkwardly stares at each other for a while, until Neve starts nuzzling the baby some more.

…

“Well, there’s a lot of unanswered questions here.”

You said it, welfare lady.

After Neve is done with that and leaves, the welfare lady and teacher guy postulate on the possible connection between the murder and domestic abuse. No, wait, the welfare lady muses, the teacher just says she should probably stop thinking, and leaves. OUR PROTAGONIST- wait, I take that back, I have no idea WHO the fucking protagonist is.

We cut to the Nat/Lucas household, where they’re finishing up dinner, in their trademark awkward style, and Nat forces Neve to hug her. Well. I can’t see THAT going badly. Annnnd cut to Nat and Lucas, dragging her back inside from one of her late night strolls! Wow, fastest foreshadowing payoff EVER. She’s screaming her head off, so Nat slaps her across the face and demands that she “just be a good girl”, so Neve… starts pulling her dress off?

…

…

…

No no no no no, whatever you do, don’t use that joke-

– YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Neve falls silent after the slap, and Lucas decides that he’ll be the one to stay with her, to keep her from any more late night adventures. She starts whistling, and pulls out those pictures of the bruised girl that she took from the photo album. Which, it turns out, was Nat and Lucas’s daughter, the one who had died! And THEY DELIBERATELY MADE A POINT ABOUT HOW MUCH NEVE AND HER LOOK IDENTICAL SO THE FACT THAT I SAID THE PICTURES WERE OF HER WAS COMPLETELY OKAY AND LEGITIMATE YOU BASTARDS.

Lucas, naturally, freaks out at this, so Nat has to shush him away so he can talk to Nat. Wow, you know things are fucked up when the physically abusive one is the most rational one in the room. “Neve, these pictures are of our dead daughter, why would you take them?”

“I dunno, why would you let her die?!”

“… Neve, you do realize that real life isn’t like a video game, right? We couldn’t just hand her some more game tokens and get her back in.”

“Wow, that explains a LOT, actually.”

One Day Will Flash And Send You Crashing Through The Ceiling: Dark Touch Review, Part Two

You really have to love how much Hollywood hates little girls. I mean, even in Dark Touch, where the little girl ISN’T the monster, they still cover her in Veiny Willow make-up and plaster her mug on all the ads! Seriously, guys, it’s the same as a little boy. Only, you know. With a vagina

Fun Fact: 90% of this movie’s budget went to those novelty contact lenses.

Previously, on Dark Touch: People with unspecified relationships to Neve got fucked over by ghosts, and a baby got smothered to death, because TODAY IS THE HAPPY CHEERY FUN TIME REVIEW.

Ahem!

After the fire, some other people with an unspecified relationship to Neve discuss her familial relationships, which is just tandy in a movie with no chronology or exposition. Seriously, could we please get some nametags? Maybe labels? Hand out big signs? I’m just spit ballin’ here.

A “welfare officer from the school” (thank you, exposition at last), heads into the hospital to see Neve, who is kind of freaking out after the whole “locked in a small flaming box with a dead baby thing”. The welfare lady then pokes one of Neve’s burns, and yells at her for flailing in pain, because everyone in this movie who isn’t Neve or a dead baby is a fucking moron.

The welfare lady offers to help, and we cut to those random people with ill-defined connections to Neve, discussing how they shouldn’t get too attached to Neve. Turns out, she’s staying there for the time being. Also, it turns out that Neve despises everything around her with a flaming passion. Ah, I think I’m finally starting to bond with her!

Later, the woman of this new house, “Nat”, as her subtitles helpfully provide, wakes up in the middle of the night. She starts freaking out over some high pitched keening she keeps hearing, and checks out Neve. Who is, of course, staring dramatically out the window. Pssh, not even CLOSE to the creepy things I did as a little kid! (Which, of course, consisted of whispering “they’re heeeeeeeeeeere” to my parents in the middle of the night. I had issues. A LOT of issues.)

I also had pancakes, but that’s besides the point.

We cut to Neve at school, where they’re learning about swords because British schools fucking rock, and she has a staring contest with some creepy children. Well. The bright side, at least it’s not high school. Next, we see Neve talking to the welfare lady, who of course, immediately starts bugging her about the gruesome murder of her baby brother and family. Jesus christ, I haven’t seen such an incompetent counsellor since since Deanna Troi.

After that joyous incompetence, we cut to Neve looking through a photo album of people I don’t recognize. Gee. How exciting. Look, I’m not a fan of photo albums even when I KNOW who I’m looking at, so this has the relevance of… that Deanna Troi metaphor, I guess.  But in all of the pictures, Neve is covered in dark bruises, which I assume is unusual from her reaction. Well, I guess it’s better than that Lovely Molly thing, replacing all the pictures with horse heads. That was some foal play.

Neve decides, for no discernible reason, to go check on Nat giving… two kids a bath? Wait, there are OTHER kids in this house? Are they related to Neve? To Nat? Do they have NAME?! LEARN TO ESTABLISH THINGS, MOVIE!

Anyway, after they’re done, Neve takes a dip in the dirty bath water (thankfully fully clothed), which pisses off Nat to no end. “That is MY dirty bath water, bitch!” She drags Neve out, and then… starts scrubbing down the naked and weeping Neve?

…

…

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Ghost, would you please?

Thank you.

The ghost hits Nat with a shelf, tosses some laundry around, and messes with the lights, while all the while, Neve sobs the tears of “you all be fuuuuuuucked”. But apparently, soap isn’t THAT big of a sin, because the spook just stops at that. Oh, come on, you smack-tease! If you’re going to punish, FUCKING PUNISH!

…

That came out wrong.

Later, at dinner, one of the other little twerps starts speedily running through plot details about how people confused Neve for his little sister Mary who died of cancer and used to be friend with Neve. Why, hello, foreshadowing, how are you this fine evening? Eventually, Nat and the twerps go on a beer run to the cellar, so the dad of the house and Neve have a little talk.

“So, how was the whole ‘locked in a flaming box with a dead baby’ thing?”

“It was cool, it was cool. How was the ‘baby dying of cancer’ thing?”

“Eh, can’t complain, can’t complain.”

Down in the cellar, the lights go on the fritz, and in the dinning room, a pitcher decides to commit high velocity suicide off the side of the table. And EEEEEEEE HIGH PITCHED GHOST NOICE AAAAAAAAAAH. It freaks everyone out, and the whole house starts tossing shelves and tables and chairs and fridges around. A moment of silence for the production assistants who had to clean all that up.

Nat and the kids are fine, and after the dad brings them back up, they see every single thing in the kitchen strewn across the floor. Why yes, lets blame Neve for that, because she can OBVIOUSLY tear apart an entire kitchen apart with her bare fucking hands in less than a minute!

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Wait, can little girls actually do that?

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One minute.

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OH GOD NOT THE SILVERWARE.