Archive | April, 2014

Nightmare Moon Versus The World: My Little Pony, “Friendship Is Magic” Review, Part Two

30 Apr

Welcome back to our My Little Pony review, and- BAM MORE PONY PORN.

Aaaaaaand you can no longer maintain an erection! You're WELCOME.

Aaaaaaand you can no longer maintain an erection! You’re WELCOME.

… Yeah, sorry, but I figured you’d want to get a clear view of what you’d be getting in to right off the back. Anyway! Back to reviewing the first two episodes of My Little Pony!

Last episode, on My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic: It’s the thousand year anniversary of the imprisonment of Nightmare Moon, the pony-queen of darkness, and now that she’s on parole, has come to Ponyville (ugh) to fight Princess Celestia’s seven evil exes!

Ahem!

After we get our own “previously on segment” (GODDAMMIT THAT IS MY THING), we get back to the episode. Nightmare Moon makes for the exit, despite the fact that, you know, she has ultimate fucking power. What, didn’t want to scuff up your hooves?

Twilight Sparkle heads back in to her library to start researching how to deal with Cthulhu-Pony, and the rest of the gang- you know, Rainbow Goth, Blandity, Alduin, Brokeback Pony, That Buttery One, and The Pink Abomination- all gather around to help research. They find the book about their magical MacGuffin, which tells them that the “Elements Of Harmony”, whatever the fuck they are, are in the Trademark Dark Spooky Forest. Of fucking course, why wouldn’t it be.

One dissolve later and the whole gang is there, and Twilight Sparkle tries to tell them to very diplomatically fuck off. But of course, friendship is better than sex, so Brokeback tells T.S. that she’s stuck with them. Oh, right, I forgot the second moral lesson of this show: Brokeback Pony wants to ride T.S like a bedside carousel!

… Ahem.

As they wander the spooky haunted forest, Rainbow Goth tries to spook them with a scary story, which causes the entire mountain to fall down. Well. That’s what happens when you sin against God, ponies, he smites you, I hope you’re happy.

Rainbow Goth, Brokeback, and the Buttery one save everyone, which is so nic-

“RAAAAAAAAAWR!”

… Oh. Right. It’s the next challenge. Could we maybe have a little breathing room between the forces of Satan, pretty please?

This time around, it’s a manticore, who manages to kick everyone’s ass, until the Buttery one pulls a thorn out of it’s paw. Yes, little known fact, paws are actually weak points for massive damage! After everyone leaves, it turns out that the thorn was really Nightmare Moon in disguise, and she rushes ahead to set up the next problem. Annnnd it’s a series of demonic trees. Okay, who’s turn is it to save the team this time?

The Pink Abomination?

Okay, hand me the suicide gun.

What’s that? She’s saving the day with a musical number?

Okay, hand me the Pony Killing Gun.

They sing the trees away (… moving on), and our next trial is a raging river and a whiny river dragon. Okay, well, seeing as it’s Blandity’s turn, and her only personality trait thus far is being prissy, the dragon is of course being whiny about his physical appearance. Sigh. Resolve the plot in one, two, three… moving on!

Next, they find the ruins where the “Elements Of Harmony” are stored up, and Rainbow Goth flies across a gap to tie a bridge for the others, and Nightmare Moon plays up some illusions to try and convince Rainbow Goth to go all evil. And, of course, it works and Rainbow Goth kills the whole team-

Hah hah hah, just kidding. Sadly.

They make it in the ruins, and after they gather all the Elements together, Nightmare Moon steals both them, AND Twilight Sparkle! And she takes them to her dastardly hideout… five feet away. Gee. Nice try, but you kinda rolled a one on the whole “arch villainy” thing.

Twilight Sparkle tries to activate the Elements of Harmony anyway, but Nightmare Moon just bitch slaps her away and smashes the stupid crap. But, oh ho ho, you thought THAT could kill this plot? YOU HAVEN’T MET TWILIGHT SPARKLE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

T.S realizes that the team (sans Alduin, who’s not here, because we hate him… apparently) represent the Elements of Harmony, because of blah blah blah metaphor, and they all join together, and-

– Exactly, they nuke Eldritch-Abomination pony from fucking orbit! And then, just as they’re admiring their new fancy Elements of Harmony jewellery, Princess “Sit On Her Fucking Ass And Hope Everything Sorts Itself Out” Celestia shows up and claims this was aaaaaaall according to plan. Yeah, sure, you totally intended a momentary apocalypse to be solved by magic artillery strikes!

Turns out, Nightmare Moon isn’t evil any more, because, well, the Equestria Girls movie taught us that getting your fucking ass kicked turns you good again, despite all the ruptured organs! They throw a party, everything’s happy, and we leave off with the Pink Abomination teaching us to hate again.

So, that was the first two episodes of My Little Pony! How was it?

Okay, fine, it wasn’t that bad. I actually kinda liked it!

Oh god, trying to approve of something HUUUUURTS.

Sucking Her Sugar Cubes: My Little Pony, “Friendship Is Magic” Review, Part One

29 Apr

I really ought to change my name! I mean, maybe A Very Erection Killing Place would be more fitting, because we’re back to My Little Pony! Annnnnd you know what that means! MORE PONY PORN!

And thank your lucky stars I censored it for you.

And thank your lucky stars I censored it for you.

Today, I figured views could use another bump- er, I mean, I’d give you all a treat, and review the first episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic! I mean, I already did Equestria Girls, might as well figure out exactly what was happening in it!

Ahem!

Our first episode opens with a story book narrator, talking about the backstory. Okay, here we go: In Equestria, there were two unicorns, Day Unicorn and Night Unicorn. Day Unicorn brought day, Night Unicorn brought night. As if you couldn’t fucking tell.

Anyway, eventually Night Unicorn got pissy that she’s stuck with the night, and became Nightmare Moon because… you become Satanic when you get mad, don’cha know. Day Unicorn wasn’t having any of that shit, so used the Force- er, witchcraft- er, psychic powers- er, “Elements of Harmony”, and stuck Nightmare Moon on… well, the moon.

YOU SHUT IT.

Shiny Royal Day Unicorn took on both the moon and the sun, because… apparently that’s something you can just do yourself. (Seriously, why did we need two of them? Why didn’t you just hire a magical intern?) And we zoom out, to see Twilight Sparkle reading the boo! … Aloud to herself. Alone. In an empty field.

… Methinks somepony’s gone a wee bit ’round the bend.

Annnnnd- oh god, the theme song. It’s… it’s… why yes, it DOES make me flashback to me days in ‘Nam, thanks for asking!

[Editor’s Note: You never WENT to Vietnam.]

You don’t know that! I have a LIFE when you’re not around, you know!

Anyway, after you’re done contemplating self harm and confessing all your sins, we see Twilight Sparkle getting asked to go hang out at a party by three ponies whom I’ve never seen before, so I assume they’ll never matter again. Yes, yes, nice meeting you, redshirts, go die in animation irrelevance now. Twilight Sparkle blows them off to go study, because she’s never seen this show before and doesn’t know that uniting with her friends is better than a fucking artillery strike!

She runs… home, I guess, though it looks more like Elizabeth’s room in Bioshock: Infinite, and uses her magical powers to make a mess of the whole place. She’s looking for a book, see, because she’s trying to research the “Elements of Harmony”, and in the process, bitch slapping Alduin, that green little dragon thingy! Oh, I FORGOT why I liked Twilight Sparkle! Hit him once for me!

… GAAAAAAAAAH THAT IS NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT.

Twilight Sparkle finds the book she’s looking for, and it fills us in that once the stars align, Nightmare Moon will get free and destroy the world with eternal night. Um. I’m sorry, was this My Little Pony, or Call Of Cthulhu?! Alduin writes a letter to Princess Shiny Regal Sun Pony Celestia, Twilight Sparkle’s mentor, who quickly tells them to shut the fuck up and get some fresh air. No, really, as in she gets them a royal guard to take them to… ugh, “Ponyville”, just so she can get a life. And, considering the fandom that’s developed, also get laid. Lets face it, it’s inevitable.

Twilight Sparkle is… less than enthusiastic about her new job, “get the town ready for the upcoming festival”, and she’s even less enthusiastic when… the Pink Abomination shows up. Oh god, she’s here! Kill her now! SLAY THAT PINK MONSTROSITY OR I SWEAR TWILIGHT SPARKLE I WILL DO IT MYSELF! HER REIGN OF TERROR MUST BE STOPPED NOW!

 … Erm. Anyway, that… thing runs off, and Twilight Sparkle checks in with Brokeback Mountain, who’s running the apple farm. Annnnnd cue crazy shenanigans involving rednecks? Good god, it’s like the Equine version of I Spit On Your Grave.

Next on the list of “establishing character moments”, Twilight Sparkle checks on Rainbow Goth, the pony in charge of clearing the sky of cloud. Because… that’s a thing ponies can do now? She smacks around Twilight Sparkle a bit, expresses her character traits, annnnnnd moving on. Oi! Next character introduction! Come on, we ain’t got all day!

Twilight Sparkle runs in to Rarity, the pony in charge of being completely fucking bland- er, I mean, decorations! She does her “yammer yammer talk about friendship and character traits” routine a bit more, and Spike is… bizarrely in to her. Jesus, you wouldn’t think someone could pitch a tent when they’re not wearing pants.

Presented without comment.

Presented without comment.

Okay, who’s left? Oh, right, that shy buttery pony! Her trait… is that she is shy.

Moving on.

Twilight Sparkle finally gets away from Buttery and gets home, where… oh god. The Pink Abomination has thrown her a surprise party. And, naturally, the first thing Twilight Sparkle does is pour herself a nice, stiff drink. Because of course she does, Twilight Sparkle is my spirit animal. Now all you have to do is shank that pink… thing, and you can take your place at my side!

Twilight Sparkle hides away from the party, because she is apparently me, before everypony gets called to meet Princess Celestia for the raising of the sun. And of course, she doesn’t show up! Why, what could have happened-

“CTHULHU FTAGHN TAAAAHG.”

Oh. Right. Cthulhu Pony. Almost forgot we had an ancient eldritch horror in this story.

Nightmare Moon cackles maniacally, as an evil villain is wont to do, annnnnd what’s that? To be continuted? Oh, right, this is a two-part episode! Come back next time, and find out just WHO is pregnant with whose baby!

… That happens in this show, right?

Omegle What You Want, What You Really, Really Want

28 Apr

I swear to god, one of these days, I’m just going to hire somebody to come up with these titles. It’s simpler than just randomly mashing pop culture references with the word “Omegle” and hoping desperately that something coherent will happen. Which, of course, IT NEVER FUCKING DOES!

… Erm. Yeah, anyway. Omegle. I mock it. Moving on.

Ahem!

are you gay??

I dunno, lemme check.

Yup.

You are gonna die next.check all your windows

I ALREADY AM A WINDOW.

*plot twist*

 how many times have you had sex?

I’m pretty sure I’m in negative numbers at this point. If I have any less sex, my genitals are going to collapse in on themselves and punch a hole through the space/time continuum. 

How does it make you feel that I have set known rapists in my area on fire?

The fact that it’s “pluralled” really makes me worried. What, do you live in Rapeytown Junction, home of the Rapetown Cougars? Rapetown, U.S.A?

What is the most effective way to build upper body strength in 2 months?

A scalpel, a tire pump, and no questions.

I love everything about the female butt

And you find yourself incapable of telling falsehoods about them?

i ate my hand

So there really IS porn about everything.

My boyfriend barely kissed me all day, do you think it was a coincidence or he just doesnt like me anymore?

Clearly, he has been sucking EVERY cock, and now his mouth permanently tastes like a bus station bathroom.

Do you have a movie suggestion?

Well, lemme tell you about a little movie called Trash Humpers…

MAGICAL DIFFICULTIES

27 Apr

Oh my GOD, I am just so fucking done with today! With all the- and the terrible- and my crippling inadequacy- gah! I am just so looking forward to sitting down, writing my next post, and-

*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

… Oh, right. I forgot I tend to fry technology when I’m in a bad mood. Game called on account of magic, people, check back in tomorrow!

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON

26 Apr

Hey, everybody, this month was officially OUR MOST VIEWED MONTH YET! Celebrate! Throw confetti in the air! Have sex in unwise places! Get drunk-

[Editor’s Note: Hey, wait a second, wasn’t last month also the most viewed month at the time?]

… Well, yeah, I guess so.

[Editor’s Note: And wasn’t the month before that also the most viewed month at it’s time?]

… From a certain point of view, I suppose.

[Editor’s Note: And before that?]

… HEY LOOK, SMOKEBOMB!

*pssshhhh*

*run run run*

Rapping Up The Smut: Pornhub Review

25 Apr

There is a Pornhub rap song.

WHAT THE F-

Um. Okay, so… wow, this is a thing that happened. According to the behind the scenes article that led me to this… “marvel”, Hi-Rez over there is a twenty-something Florida rapper- wait, this came from FLORIDA?! Well, there’s your fucking problem right there!

Anyway, apparently this guy wanted a lifetime subscription to Pornhub, an adult site (as if you couldn’t fucking tell), so he recorded this rap for them. I… wait, a lifetime subscription? Isn’t Pornhub… you know, free? Jesus, who knew a guy who devoted so much of his time to a rap about smut could know so little about it.

“Pornhub is my favorite site

Morning, afternoon, and night”

Wow, you’re devoting THAT much time to masturbation? Nobody has ever told you about chafing, huh.

“Black, Asian, Spanish, and White”

Why, yes, we were already kind of assuming you weren’t a bigot about the women you jerk off to, but thanks for having to take the time to prove that.

“Live chat for a low ass price

Mobile app on my cell phone”

Cell phone? Dude, the video SHOWS you using a laptop, why the cell phone all of a sudden? Decided that, hey, tits are great, but they’d rock if they were too tiny to actually see?

And hey, speaking of the music video, lets talk about it! It’s pretty accurate, considering that it’s putting together the worst parts of a rap video, AND a porno! Oooh, yes, putting the awkward, over-the-top, forced eroticism of porn with the open misogyny of a rap video together, it’s like the diametric opposite of two great tastes that taste great together.

Like the Negative Universe Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

“Jerking off ’til my el-bow

Is fucking sore as hell though”

… THEN STOP MASTURBATING. Seriously, if you’re getting to the point of physical injury with his wanking, put the dick down, step away from the computer, and do LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE! Hell, grab a fleshlight if you think it’ll help, just stop trying to beat your dick in to submission!

“I don’t really care though”

Oh, okay, you’re a fucking dumbass, carry on.

“Bad bitches with a fat ass

Pornhub in the back of class”

… Hi-Rez, please stop yanking it in public, there are children here.

“And while I’m driving I hope I don’t crash”

This has gone beyond simple enjoyment of masturbation. No, this is like some kind of bizarre, life ruining compulsion, that is CAUSING HI-REZ TO KILL PEOPLE WITH HIS FUCKING CAR! Dude, maybe nobody told you, but mangled corpses aren’t sexy!

To most people, anyway.

… I may be wrong.

I like my girls skinny, thick, and fat

Missionary with a White girl

Cowgirl with a Black girl”

We get it, you’re not racist, go on already! And, seriously, dude. Stop trying to insert yourself in to these sex boasts, a guy who does THIS much masturbating obviously hasn’t touched a vagina since he got shoved out one.

There’s naughty girls and there’s nice girls

There’s good girls and there’s bad girls”

Rhyming Words With Themselves: Helping lazy writers since the dawn of fuck you!

“With pussy I ain’t picky”

That’s… not really something to boast about. “Pssh, I’m such a hardcore gangster, I have absolutely no standards for my sexual partners!”

“I still leave bite marks and hickeys

No wifing up just a quickie”

So, to recap, he thinks you have a terrible vagina, he masturbates twenty-four seven in public, puts people at risk, and no matter how much physical trauma he leaves on his partner’s vagina, he’ll never consider making them a long term commitment?

But on the bright side, at least he’s still not racist.

… Yay?

“Rolling up blowing on that sticky

I watch Pornhub when I’m at the club”

Yep, he does drugs while he wanks it in public too! Seriously, are you doing this simultaneously? Smoking pot in one hand, wanking with the other? Impressive, admittedly, but try not to mix those up and jam a lit weed up your dick!

“Pornhub when I’m eating subs

Pornhub in the bathtub

Girls face down with they ass up

Believe that”

No, no, I don’t think I DO believe that. I refuse to believe that you simultaneously wank while eating sandwiches, taking a bath, and… giving girls a time out?

… Not even sure I want to know, really.

Anyway, so that was Pornhub, and-

[Editor’s Note: Actually, that was just the first verse.]

Wait, WHAT?! Does anything exciting happen in the second verse?

[Editor’s Note: Um, lemme see… saying that everyone likes sluts, talking about how he wants to boink hot moms, and saying that world peace could be achieved by copious use of vaginas.]

… My god. The idea that this whole thing was made high of his ass suddenly makes a LOT more sense.

Going Vanilla

24 Apr

You know, I have to wonder, how LONG has it been since I watched a horror movie without reviewing it? Jesus, a year? Maybe two? I should try not reviewing it! Hmm, dial up… oh, lets say, Creature!

Okay, this is… wow, this is pretty bad.

Thank you, that random tit shot was very necessary.

Um. Hello, incest, nice to see you today.

OH MY GOD I CANNOT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!