Archive | June, 2015

Last Omegle Tonight

30 Jun

The post of today shall instead be represented by the John Oliver episodes that I’ve been marathonning all day on YouTube!

No? Dammit. Worth a shot. Alright, back to Omegle!

Ahem!

Do you accept Jesus our lord and savior?

Accept him as what? A second baseman? Our prime minister? Gay?

am I worth it? cause I really don’t think so

Well, you’re definitely worth this handful of raffle tickets I have! That is what you’re talking about, right?

I SEROIUSLY WOULSNT HAVE TO MASTURBATE EVERY NIGHT IF PEOPLE HMU I JUST MASTURBATE TO FILL THE EMPTY VOID IN MY HEART

Simple Plan has gotten weird this year.

Who wants to swap nudes

Only if I am literally swapping entire naked bodies with somebody. Mine is out of warranty.

Why are you on here right now?

Because I haven’t gnawed through the handcuffs yet.

o sht! my plane crash11!!!! #Boring.

Yes, yes, you’re very clever. Have a cookie.

What is your most taboo sexual fantasy?

Only wearing THREE condoms instead of five.

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Internet Campfire Tales: Caved In, A Creepypasta Review

29 Jun

It’s alarming when I’ve seen this same premise for a Creepypasta story, as I have a Literotica story.

internet_campfire_tales

… Wow, I should start reviewing Literotica stories. Erm- I mean, hello! You had better be feeling claustrophobic today, because we’re looking at Caved In!

Ahem!

“It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt, It lies behind stars and under hills, And empty holes it fills, It comes first and follows after, Ends life, kills laughter.” – J.R.R. Tolkien”

Did… did we just open this story with a fucking Tolkien quote?

“We saw the already weak light vanish before us, tons of solid, cold rock collapsing behind us but we never gave up, well, until now.”

‘I mean, being trapped underground and starving to death was just sort of a bummer, but then we just couldn’t stand it!’

“Our water and food soon finished and fatigue came in. Most of our friend’s cold, vulnerable bodies were under that pile of rock.”

But it wasn’t a rock! It was a roooooooock lobster! 

… Er, I mean, I’m sorry for your loss.

“We have already passed our first night, I couldn’t sleep, there were shadows in that dark cave, they moved, writhing, twitching…”

Yes, in the completely pitch black cave, there was somehow shadows. Like… double-ply darkness, yo.

“There was also that scratching, never-ending, high pitched…”

We should never have invited that DJ into our cave.

“The next day I started exploring the empty cave but with no results. We were stuck, but when I returned to the group I could see heavenly beams of light filtering through the walls, but what I saw, illuminated by the light, was unearthly.”

Jesus, are you stuck in a cave-in, or a poetry club?

“Dismembered bodies, severed limbs, and dry corpses, full of flies. Flies!”

Flies? Flies. FLIES?!

“If there were flies there could be an exit to the surface!”

Yes, yes, but were there flies?!

“I couldn’t look anymore at the massacre so I turned around, willing to search for an exit, full of hope, but behind me there were figures, dark, bloody smiles, emotionless faces, black, empty eyes… They sat there, unmoving, unblinking…”

What the actual fuck are you talking about? This is a scary story, not slam poetry.

“They were the things we tried to repel by sleeping, the real light…”

… Good for you?

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”-Plato”

And we end with a Plato quote. We have officially hit Pretension Nirvana.

So, that was Caved In! How was it?

… What the ass did I just read. I mean- what?! The imagery involved was disconcerting, I’ll give them that, but it’s just way too flowery. I mean- two literary quotes? Two?!

TOLKIEN?!

Alone

28 Jun

Trying for a more “sketchy” style! And also, grey, evidently! Eh, as long as it’s not blue! 

alone

level up

27 Jun

I HAVE OFFICIALLY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

*achievement unlocked*

*confetti*

*uses diploma as drink coaster*

And that’s done with that. Let us never speak of it again.

arkham in my pants

26 Jun

Over the years, I’ve sorta fallen away from traditional video game reviewing. I mean- who cares what they even say? They’re probably paid for anyway. So, yeah, I have no idea how the rest of the world is treating Batman: Arkham Knight.

But I do know that I have had sex that wasn’t as fucking good as this fucking game. 

(And no, I’m not just talking about Nightwing’s spandex covered ass.)

(Buuuuuut that’s certainly helping.)

… what even is this

25 Jun

ACK! Sorry for the lack of post yesterday! Grad night, and everything. Forgot it went on so long! So, in penance, here is… me! As… a magical girl, I guess? I tried to draw myself in my suit from yesterday AND THINGS KIND OF GOT AWAY FROM ME.

magical girl me

anonymous

23 Jun

*awkwardly stands up*

*walks to the podium*

*clears throat*

I HAVE GONE TWO WEEKS WITHOUT WATCHING A MOVIE I DID NOT ENJOY.

*straightens tie*

*pulls up chair*

*sits down*