Archive | August, 2013

GUEST POST!

31 Aug

Potatoes here! I am replacing Erik for two posts because he asked me to. Unfortunately, Erik and I are two very different people and so most this post will be a bit different.

See, while Erik leads a crazy life of watching bad movies, writing full length novels and commenting on porn at every given moment, I live a somewhat normal life. (Comparatively.) I work, I watch new movies that I find interesting and are generally mainstream and I actually sleep at night!

So, let me tell you a few things about Erik that you may not know!

1st. Erik is gigantic. Erik dwarfs Michael Jordan, he has to wear a blinking light on his hat late at night for low flying air-planes. I am 6,2 and my neck hurts after seeing Erik because I have to look up all the time. He is a fucking Goliath.

2nd. Most people enjoy watching good movies, reading good books, or playing a fun videogame. But Erik is the opposite. He enjoys watching terrible films, reading abysmal writing, and playing impossible games that frustrate people to insanity. He ENJOYS that.

3rd. Erik is strange (no, really?). He likes strange foods, has strange habits, strange family, and hangs out with strange friends (me!).

4th. Erik is a geek. Erik recently graduated with a P.H.D. in geek with full honours. He can name obscure game and references and is a geek in many ways, movies, tv shows, video games, card games, and roll-playing games.

5th. Erik has never been so dedicated in his to any one thing expect for this blog. I’ve never known Erik to get into anything. He doesn’t get obsessed with anything and generally seems disinterested. And that is why is astounds me that he can write upwards of 2 to 3 pages. Everyday for 2 years! He amazes me that he can write so much a day and all the way through just as unique as when it started.

And that concludes Potatoes’ first post on A Very Strange Place!

(No, seriously, he is a fucking giant.)

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The Summer Slump

30 Aug

You know, I hate summer. It’s the one time of the year when you people have better things to do than read my stuff!

JERKS.

But… what? Could it be? Is the summer slump finally over? 

“SEARCH ENGINE VIEWS: Strange place to insert your cock.”

PRAISE THE LORD!

Top 10 Horror Movie Trailers, Part Four

29 Aug

One day, somebody’s gonna have to explain the difference between a horror trailer, and a trailer with horror in it. I assume it has nothing to do with a whore-or trailer!

(Or, if you’re a Harry Potter fan, an Auror trailer.)

Don’t ask. Anyway, here are my next 10 favourite horror movie trailers.

Ahem!

Number 10: Hollow

Wow, really? A haunted tree?! Horror movies have officially stopped caring.

“Oh god, run! That tree is possessed by the DEVIL!”

“AHHHH! Does that mean it will follow us?”

“No, not really.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Number 9: Chimeres

Is… is that a French art film?

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Number 8: 616: Paranormal Incident 

Oh great, a Paranormal Activity rip-off, that dresses up like a Grave Encounters rip-off, plays like an Asylum Tapes rip-off, acts like a 1313 rip-off, and with the fake boobs of every horror movie ever.

Oh, and it’s made by The Asylum.

Jesus fucking christ, it’s like a triple word score of “oh god no”.

Number 7: ANTISOCIAL

So wait, I’m confused. Is this movie trying to say that social networking is what spreads the zombie virus?

That makes way too much sense.

Number 6: Dark Feed

I- just- what?!

But- I don’t-

I will pay five dollars, no questions, to the man who never explains this trailer to me.

Number 5: The Frankenstein Theory

I would love to be a fly on the wall for this pitch meeting.

“So, here’s my idea for a new found footage movie: Frankenstein’s monster is roaming the frozen tundra, and a team of scientists and-”

“Get the fuck out.”

Number 4: Osombie

This is, by far, the dumbest, most insulting, most wretched scum I’ve ever seen! It’s horrible! Deplorable! Nightmarish! Everybody involved should stick their balls in a microwave, just so we don’t have to worry about their genetic material infecting the gene pool!

*bookmarked*

Number 3: Tasmanian Devils

Uh oh, a Syfy original movie? So, how long before the giant evil Tasmanian Devils get sucked in a tornado and dropped on California?

Actually, wow, that sounds amazing. “Tasmanianados!”. Tagline: “This time… it’s preposterous”.

Nah, I’m just kidding! This looks more like the gritty The Killer Shrews remake the world was APPARENTLY asking for! Either that, or Weasels Rip My Flesh finally got a budget.

Wow, there are a lot of evil rodent movies, aren’t there?

Number 2: Frankenstein’s Army

What’s that? Soviet Russians sneak in to Nazi Germany, only to find a factory full of monstrosities, carved together from human flesh and forced to fight for the glory of the Third Reich?

Holy hell, that summary was so fucking awesome, I think I need a cigarette now.

I swear, this is all I want from a horror movie! What else is a horror movie supposed to be?!

Number 1: Shadow People

Oh, right! I forgot that horror movies are supposed to be scary! 

Well now I just feel silly.

Dear Diary

28 Aug

Dear Diary;

Today, I discovered the secret collection of used tampons that my dog was hiding under the couch. Some of which had been licked clean.

On a completely unrelated topic, I’m contemplating taking up self harm.

Freshly Riffed 46: They Just Have To Go, ‘Cause They Don’t Know Wack

27 Aug

Welcome back to Freshly Riffed, the only web series with words.

Literally the only one.

Hey, that’s my territory!

According to the tormented soul of Billy Joel I keep trapped in a snow globe at all times, Freshly Riffed is where I make fun of the titles of Freshly Pressed blog posts. Also… wait, is Billy Joel even dead? What the hell?

Each title will be linked to the original author, and remember; All mockery is for mockery’s sake only.

Ahem.

Confessions Of An Anthropological Geek

Every time I hear somebody refer to themselves as a “geek”, I die a little inside. I die of shame.

*quickly checking the “Newcomers” section to see if I referred to this site as geeky*

The Three Types Of English (According To Me)

There’s the normal English, the internet English, and then there’s the one we keep secret.

Shhhhh…. it uses a lot of swear words…

What Miley Taught Me About Parenting

Presumably she taught you to take the little bastard’s head off the second the Disney Corporation gets involved.

Google Designing It’s Own Self-Driving Car

The first person to make a Knight Rider reference gets made in to a smoothie.

Should Writers Read Outside Their Genre?

I certainly hope so, ’cause if not, I’m stuck reading dick jokes for the rest of my life.

Banding Hummingbirds For Science

So… am I the only one thinking of a hummingbird rock band?

N- no, not like that. You’re weird.

Mug Of War

What’s that? Is it what Kratos needs in the morning to wake up?

*BUH DUM TSH*

I Saw A Werewolf Drinking A Pina Colada

And the fucker didn’t even share.

The Body’s Narrative

Yeah, but my body’s narrative is poorly written and full of spelling mistakes.

Don’t Forget To Write

God, I would love to forget to write. It’d free up a lot of time for masturba-

Er. “Dancing”?

Yeah. Dancing.

We’re Still Mad Here

26 Aug

Sigh. Okay, lets get this over with.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to part two of my review of Madness, the BLANDEST HORROR MOVIE ALIVE. 

When we last left off our blandest brigade, a collection of psychotic hillbilly mooks captured two blond bimbos with indistinguishable accents, and two random schmucks. The blonds are still tied to the floor, one guy is free and is trying to fight back, and one guy is “free”, in that he just died.

(See what I did there?)

Lets get this over with. Our resident psychotic drags the dead guy back to the Shack Of Doom. because it makes a fetching centerpiece, presumably. He passes the Escapee, who takes the time to cry about it. Oh, boo hoo, so your friend is dead, big deal! We’ve all got problems! I’m out of milk!

Inside the Shack, the blonds have finally managed to pull the lock they’re tied to off the floor!

Just as the mooks walk in.

They get a little rapey, but before anything can get too nightmarish, the burnt victim in the corner manages to cry out. Goddammit, will somebody pop a cap in his ass?! He’s starting to bum me out!

*BLAM*

THANK you.

The mooks apparently didn’t notice the Blonds escape attempts, and the mooks leave. The Blonds begin their daring escape, CUE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME, GO!

Once outside, the Blonds manage to find a mass grave. Which is… a bit of a mood killer, I’ll admit, but they manage to cut their restraints off, which I’m sure is a big bummer for all the BDSM fans in the audience!

Which I assume is EVERYONE here. We are on the internet, after all!

One of the mooks manages to find the Blonds, but before he can stab them right in their various orifices. the Escapee manages to sneak up annnnnnd- BAT TO THE HEAD!

Home run!

The trio, now united, go for the boat the burnt guy mentioned earlier, but are stopped by… one of the mooks shooting at the lake?

Oh no?

We cut to the Escapee and one of the Blonds, now recaptured, and getting the crud beaten out of them!

Oh my god, this is horrific, and terrible, and nightmarish, and SO BORING.

Yawwwwn.

The duo get to listen over the radio as the other blond has weights tied to her feet and gets dumped in the lake. Aww, don’t do that! Now her hair spray will irrevocably damage every living thing in that lake!

The Escapee and the last Blond have been beaten unconscious off-screen, but that doesn’t stop them from being boring, no siree! The Escapee manages to wake up and free himself, just in time to murder another mook. Jesus, these things have the life spans of mayflies.

We cut to two mooks, loading corpses on to a truck. Gee, that’s not going to attract any attention at all. They take the corpses to a lake, and dump them in, leaving just enough time to cut away before each actor drowns.

Dammit.

The Escapee and the Blond have escaped, and are taking time to arm themselves with axes and molotovs. Damn, sounds like my kinda party!

The two walk leisurely down the road, ignoring the fact that they’re fleeing for their lives. Of course, they make sure to take the time to stop and try desperately to hammer out some form of character development.

(It doesn’t work.)

Of course, now would be the PERFECT time to run in to the mook brothers again! They take the time to park the car before starting their epic climactic battle… which is when the Escapee whips molotovs at them.

Hee hee hee.

Fire is FUNNY.

It only slows ’em down a moment, which is enough time for the Escapee and the Blond to flee in to the woods. They come across a house, which the Escapee decides would be a perfect backdrop for an epic climax! The Blond, meanwhile, says “fuck it” and runs off.

BITCH.

It starts raining, solely so we could have thunder for our epic final battle, and… cue drawn out fight scene! Said drawn out fight scene, between the Escapee and one of the mooks, is interrupted when the other mook realizes, “oh, right, I have a FUCKING GUN”. So, the Escapee hides in the shack, setting up the inevitable “Madness Meets Home Alone”.

And… oh, crap, yeah, that’s exactly what happens. At least until the Escapee remembers he is apparently a fucking ninja, and manages to take off one of the mooks hands with a thrown axe. Sweet!

And… then he hides some more.

Less sweet.

The mook who wasn’t just maimed, “Here’s Johnny”s his way in to the Escapee’s new hiding spot, and gets ready to shoot him, until he remembers that he can apparently kick his ass without it! He beats the Escapee in to a pulp, the Escapee manages to stab him in the foot, the Maimed Mook beats up some furniture, blah blah blah END ALREADY.

The Blond finally manages to wander back in, and puts a cap in the Maimed Mook’s ass, until the Main Mook (see what I did there?) sneaks up on her and knocks her on her ass. He then heads back to finish off the Escapee… until he falls in a hole?

Did I put in Looney Tunes all of a sudden?

That WOULD explain all the hilarious accents!

The Escapee manages to limb downstairs and finish off the mook, and he manages to limp upstairs to reunite with the Blond, and we have to sit through EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF IT.

JUST END.

We get a sloooooooow montage of all the carnage, then we slooooooooowly pan over to the two standing outside, and they slooooooooowly kiss. Operative word here being sloooooooooooooooooooooow.

Annnnnnd… IT’S OVER!

FUCKING FINALLY.

Jesus fucking christ, Madness manages to be gross, stupid, AND boring, all at the same time! I can’t even think of any good jokes for anything this boring! This is like the cinematic equivalent of plain white bread, being eaten by Kristen Stewart, in the middle of the “Blandest Thing Ever” convention!

Did you get my point yet?

IT’S BORING AS FUCK.

We’re All Mad Here

25 Aug

It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to review a horrible horror movie! Why is that?

Oh, right. The last one made me cry.

Hrm.

Well, time to get back on that wagon, with Madness, a movie with absolutely no notable features whatsoever!

Yay?

A game of “Got Your Nose” gone horrible wrong.

The film opens with their production logo, “Stockholm Syndrome Film”. Ooh, not a good sign. Titles should never reference mental disorders!

coughcough.

The production logo bursts in to flame, as production logos are wont to do, and we’re informed that “Over 2000 people are reported missing every day in the U.S along. Not everyone make it back safe”. Er, don’t you mean “makes it back safe”? You really need to edit this crap!

And I’M saying that.

Anyway, we cut to a bloodied up woman, tied up and sobbing. She’s in what appears to be a barn, when a man in a hoodie walks in and cuts her down. She sprints for safety, when the man manages to tag her with a throwing knife. Ooh, twenty points!

She falls over, dead, because apparently that was her weak point for massive damage. The man walks over, stomps on her gut… and a geyser of blood shoots out from under her dress?

Great. Five minutes in and we’ve already got one involuntary abortion under our belt. Isn’t that some kind of world record?

“And the award for ‘Jesus Fucking Christ What Is Wrong With You” goes to… Madness! Congratulations! You suck!”

We get our credits over a white rat as it wanders through the barn, until our mysterious murderer stomps him. Aww, this is the worst Stuart Little sequel ever.

We cut to two obnoxious blonds with indecipherable accents, driving to Minneapolis and discussing their sex lives.

Welcome to my hell.

They pull over at a gas station where two schmoes are repairing their car. The girls apparently decide to practice for competition, so they strip down to their cheerleader outfits and start… I dunno. Cheering? Leading? Pompoming? I do not know how cheerleading works.

The girls agree to give the boys a ride, and as the boys get ready to go, a creepy motherfucker with a bandanna over his mouth in a big black truck drives up and just stares at everyone for a while. Then he drives away. Dude, you are the worst Peeping Tom ever.

The boys and girls drive off, while our bandanna’d stranger watches through binoculars. He picks up his walky talky and calls for “Bob”, and- wait, does anybody still use walky talkies any more? Seriously, get a fucking cell phone.

He blathers to Bob in a foreign language (Um, some subtitles would be nice), and Bob blathers back while he buries a corpse in what appears to be delicious cake mix. Yay for multitasking!

Back with the Expendables (in that every single one of these characters are completely expendable), the boys say they’re from Minneapolis. Hah hah, yeah, sure. With that accent? If you’re American, than I’m Christina Hendricks.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Their inane conversation about who gets to bone who is interrupted when Bandanna drives by… and whips a raccoon at their wind-shield.

Oh my god, I love this guy.

Their car crashes, so they head off on foot because, even though this came out in 2010, of COURSE nobody has a cell phone. Meanwhile, we see someone with a great bushy moustache hopping in to a big white behemoth of a car. Jesus, I’m pretty sure that’s actually a yacht that grew wheels and came out on land.

Moustache picks the group up, and starts taking them to… I dunno. Thunderdome? Anyway, one of the boys leaps out of the car while it’s in motion, because apparently Moustache didn’t think locking the doors was that important in a kidnapping. God, this is the worst abduction EVER.

They park, and Moustache and Bandanna reunite! It’s a very touching reuinion, filled with hugging, and gleeful laughter, and flashbacks, and tulips, annnnnnnd okay, why aren’t the teenagers escaping? THE DOORS ARE UNLOCKED, YOU TWATS.

Moustache puts on a bandanna (NOW how the hell am I going to tell the two apart?!) and he and Bandanna pull the trio out of the car. The three get tied up and dragged along a dirt road, while they make absolutely no effort whatsoever to escape.

Oh, this movie is going to hurt.

This is going to HURT.

If this makes me cry again, I will NEVER live it down.

Meanwhile, back with the one guy who had the brains to escape, he’s finally woken up and is leisurely strolling down the road. Wow, good thing this isn’t an emergency, huh?

We cut to Bob, who douses the girls’ car in gasoline and burns it because, hey, we have a special effects budget and dammit, we’re gonna use it!

Our escapee accidentally wanders right in to Bob, who tries (and fails) to get his fancy schmancy chainsaw going. Aww, don’t worry, honey. It happens to every man!

Well. It happens to you. A lot.

Finally, the escapee manages to knock the chainsaw away from Bob. Quick! Cue Shatnerian fight sequence! 

Eventually, the escapee manages to get a hold of his previously discarded knife, and manages to take Bob out. Aww, don’t do that! He’s the only one here with a fucking NAME!

Meanwhile, back at the incompetency brigade, the two blonds have been tied to the floor. They attempt to escape their ropes using the wonderful gift of fire, and… yeah, that works about as well as you’d expect.

The one guy, on the other hand, as been tied up, bent over a work bench. I… do not like where that is going.

Over with the blonds, they’re apparently out of matches, but they’ve managed to spot the man doing a passable imitation of beef jerky in the corner! Who tells them to “get out”.

Gee, thanks. We… we really didn’t think of that.

One of the personality free mooks (they’re all kind of blending together at this point) calls up Bob’s walky talky, which sets the escapee on his quest for ass-kicking! Wow! If I pretend I know what’s going on, this is actually kind of exciting!

Meanwhile, at the shack, the guy bent over the work bench is… having his face licked by one of the mooks.

This just got… dangerously erotic.

BOW CHIKA BOW WOW.

WOOT RUNNING GAGS.

The captive starts having a hissy fit, which shows that… he’s not wearing pants. Dammit, I used the picture too early! Anyway, he fidgets around and manages to get one hand free. He tries to saw through his other handcuff, but is stymied by the fact that YOU SUCK AT SAWS. 

So, choosing the most obvious solution, he… saws through his own thumb?

You’re BAD at this.

Stumpy manages to flee, until one of the mooks tags him with an axe. Don’t worry, I’m sure it was an… axcident?

I’ll let myself out.

I’ll have my things packed by the morning.

Wait, so we’re almost fifty minutes in, and we’ve only had two fucking deaths?! I’ve seen episodes of Teletubbies with a higher fatality rate!

Okay, fuck it, TO BE CONTINUED. Come back tomorrow, ladies and gents, I cannot take this fucking movie any more tonight. JESUS.