Ladies and (gay) gentlemen, make sure nobody’s standing behind you and grab your box of Kleenex, because we’re back at 1313: Frankenqueen!
Previously, on 1313: Frankenqueen: Dude. Come on. It’s a 1313 film. Do you honestly think you missed a big chunk of the story that just ruins the story without it!? It’s a bunch of shirtless models getting picked off in slow motion. Think porno, but without porn. Or ‘O’, to be honest.
Ahem!
Sunglass Douche, Senior Subtlety and Pool Prick are all lounging in the hot tub. They argue about who’s going to get more beer, check-out each other’s asses, and trade exposition. And yes, Senior Subtlety says “dry fusion laser” again, just to prove that I didn’t miss hear that. Good god, not even dead Einstein’s ghost would use something that stupid.
Finally, Dr. Kardashian has a meeting with all the spare penises- er, I mean, redshirts- er, I mean, characters. Turns out, her “evil plot” is examining them… while they engage in “various physical activities”. Oh, jesus christ, lady, are you doing all this to get laid? I mean- grrrrrr-
…
Oh, why am I even surprised, this is porn is sheep’s clothing.
There’s some lame attempts at characterization, with the Senior trying to smack down Dr. Kardashian and Sunglass Douche trying to get laid, but it’s about as interesting as an oatmeal convention. God, what is there to even say about this? There’s nothing actually solid here to make fun of! It’s like trying to mock air! It’s flacid and empty and meaningless and- and-
Okay, okay, come on, keep it together…
One sec, need to detox.
All better now!
The muscley models all head to the work-out room, and naturally, we get more slow motion close-ups over their flexy muscles. And as if this wasn’t creepy enough, it’s intercut with her fucking reviewing them. “Jesus, lady, we just met. Can’t you at least buy me dinner before you start trying to taste my nipples?”
They adjourn to the pool area, where more of the same follows, but at the very least, it comes complete with somebody ogling her instead… only for them to cut back inside as she ogles them again. Oh, you have got to be kidding, this whole film is just a Mobius Strip of Sexual Frustration!
…
Oh my god, I’ve just figured out what to name my autobiography.
We get slow cuts of the men flexing, slow cuts of Dr. Kardashian ogling them, so on and so forth until the very idea of nipples will make you gag and want to stab the nearest director with a spork, until they finally stop to start bickering with each other while she taps away on an iPad. Ah yes, I assume this is reverse product placement on behalf of Android?
After a bit of Shatnerian tussling, Dr. Kardashian tells them to shut the fuck up and start licking whipped cream off each other- er, I mean, quiet down. She takes the Senior aside for some triage after the fight, to show off the dry fusion laser. Turns out, it’s that reading light from earlier, and it can heal wounds with the power of the wet panties that this movie inevitable generated!
Outside, Sunglass Douche and the guy who got experimented on first, Mr. Guinea Pig, play catch in the pool.
It’s about as exciting as it sounds.
Mr. Guinea Pig is brought in to triage, and Dr. Kardashian starts rubbing a different shiny prop over his head to somehow completely scan his brain. You might say, “hey, how does that work”, but I’m pretty sure the director would just start screaming, “DAMMIT, MAN, DON’T YOU SEE THE BIG PICTURE?! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE NIPPLES!”.
This same process goes on for every single one of the men, with Kardashian condescending and bitching at every damn scan, until she finally reaches Workout Wanker… who she immediately brains with a roller skate.
OH GOD.
SHE’S GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLER SKATES.
AND THIS FALL… YOU’VE GOT A BRAND NEW KEY.